DH wants to move out and date me

[canadianflower]

My husband has said he's not sure what he wants and says he wants to move out. We have a tiny house we have been trying to sell and he wants to move in here while he works out what he wants and "date" me. He also wants the kids there 50% of the time.

I feel it's unfair to disrupt everyone for a while but obviously appreciate this would be the new normal if we divorce. He's not saying he wants to divorce though, just that he needs space and wants to date me to revive the marriage.

What would you do?

I would bet my right arm there's another woman on the scene.

What he ACTUALLY wants is to have the freedom to develop his relationship with her, without you around cramping his style.

"Dating" you is a way of keeping you on the boil should things go south with the other woman.

Call him on his bullshit and kick him to the kerb.

Nope. Not your problem if he's sick of living at his mums. Sell the property, and no fucking way to 50/50. He thinks you'll still do drop offs, he's having a laugh.

If you let him, he'll walk away with the house, no CM to pay and his new woman to keep him occupied on the nights you have the children.

Get good legal advice and quickly.

You really, really need good legal advice: do not agree to ANYTHING without it.
Your marriage is over, because why on earth would you want to 'win back' a man who is demonstrating so clearly that he doesn't give a toss about you or DC: to him you are all just accessories he can play about with and then put back in the toybox when he wants to play with something else. It's worth pointing out to him that the decision about the marriage being over is no longer his to make - you don't want him any more. But probably wait to tell him this until after you have the necessary legal info.

Tell him to shag off.
FiIe for divorce.
He's going to fleece you, if you don't move quickly.

Move into the smaller house with your children & relinquish the rental house. Your marriage is clearly over, whether this is what you want or not, and you need to safeguard your assets. A house you're renting isn't an asset but a house you own even with a mortgage is. If it's his permanent residence & the children are there 50% of their time then he'll be allowed to remain there with you financing it. Don't waste time going over the pros & cons like too many of us have. If it's all going to work out hunky dorey then that'll happen if you & your DC are in the house you already own rather than a rental. I'm 62 & a lot more savvy with 2 failed marriages to total wasters behind me. We don't see them as wasters while we're still invested in the relationship unfortunately but I'm hoping the younger generations have more sense than I did.

When you say that you own the other house - do you actually own it, or have a mortgage on it?

It will be classed as a marital asset. As will any pension either of you have.

See a solicitor. There are too many variables for people to tell you what will happen if you divorce.
Proceed as if you are going to divorce - you can stop that process at any time. But if he's moved into the house/claimed 50% child time/hidden assets etc then you can't get that stuff changed back easily.
If at all possible, move into the small house. Take the kids. Tell him he can move back into the rental. If you have to, drive your oldest to school from the small house. Tell him to seek mediation and you can talk about how to co-parent the children and proceed financially.

Once the dust has settled, see if you want to date him. I'm another one thinking he has already seen a solicitor, and that it's very likely he has an OW - prob why he's not so settled at his mum's. He wants somewhere to shag the OW, but also to be able to keep you 'interested' as he lines up the finances for his own benefit.

I'm sorry, OP. I know this sounds harsh, but every piece of info you give screams that he's trying to shaft you, AND the kids.

No one takes a break from marriage, he's testing the water of having his freedom.

Please listen to pp. He's also going to stitch you up. Why is your owned house too small for you and the DC, but fine for him and them if he's going to have them 50/50?

What a fabulous idea! Does it work for mums too?

I’m off to check the classifieds right now. Neat little bachelorette pad, plenty of time to do my hobbies in peace. Come home from work and do a quick little FaceTime with kiddos down the road, before putting my feet up for an evening of TV, delivered food and Tinder.

If I get mega-horny, but don’t feel like putting on my ‘best game’, I’ll text the hubby and alert him that a shag with dinner is coming his way, so he’d better get a wriggle-on finding childcare.

I’ll wake up on the weekend around 10.30am, and spontaneously pick up the kids for some fun outdoors time and a ‘sausage in a bun’ lunch. Catch a movie with them, then drop them back 3hrs after bedtime, full of pep. Make sure I attend all the sports/plays/recitals so I can prove my masterly parenting, but never offering to drive, make costumes, coach, etc.

In my back pocket is a plan to have the kids sleep over more often, but not until I sow some wild oats, and maybe find some willing wide-eyed sucker to actually cook and clean for them.

Such a cool plan! Wonder why more mums don’t think of it. Your DH is a genius!

Who dies he expect to watch the kids while you guys are in dates? And more so who is he expecting to organize these baby sitters?

Skittlesandbeer genius. Make this into a book and we can all do it! Vive la revolution!

OP the 2 bed is the house to think about. It’s the main marital asset. If it’s mortgaged, he moves in, 50% time with kids, you are still going to be liable for paying half the mortgage but you’ll also have to pay for somewhere else to live. You won’t get any maintenance either because he’s got the kids half time. So no money plus half mortgage payments plus keeping your own property. How are you going to afford that? You MUST move back into the 2 bed. Baby sleeps with you. Other kids share a room. Do that until your divorce is finalised.

you need to give notice on the rental and move into the family home, so he cant take it and be living in it when the divorce happens, also if he wants to go 50/50 ( to make sure he doesnt have to pay CS) make sure its a fixed term, like Wednesday to Wednesday and all child related issues that happen on his time are his to deal with, no dropping them to you for school drop offs, no after school care, no taking them for hair cuts or the dentist cause hes at work ... for 2 weeks a month you both can be single parents
hes got a end game in mind that leaves you with nothing and very very little money... be smarter than him and cut him off at the pass... get in that house because once you are there he cant take it or sell it until the kids are all over 18

OP,

If someone “didn’t know how they felt about me” I’d make it a whole lot easier to figure out by removing myself as an option!

Get rid of him, you will be fine with the kids.

I second what everyone else is saying, he says he wants 50% but that will change later down the line when it begins to compromise his new lovely bachelor lifestyle!

Move back into the owned house asap - just pack up and go straight away without warning him. Leave him with the rental. Change the school if necessary. If he gets into the owned house, plus kids most of the time, you're going to be left high and dry. I would put money on him either seeing someone else or wanting to, he's thought this through and is trying to get what he wants softly softly. If he thinks that's not working he may get less pleasant.

And why would he be dropping at yours and then you take to school? Why isn't he taking DC to school on 'his' days? With uniform, packed lunch, swimming kit, water bottle, and on and on.

Hi is he going to date a woman who always is free to date when he has the children?

This then leads me to believe he I hasn’t thought through his lies

He’s seeing someone else
He’s not being fair

Ask him out right if he is keeping anything about this arrangement from you? Do you have the entire story

He’s hedging his bets and moving out to freehimself up, when your at home with the children he can do what he likes

I’m sorry OP, You was loads of good advice on this thread but I know the relentless brain fog of non sleeping children.

Agree with @Peacocking. Pack your stuff up without warning him and move in. Don't let him beat you to it. His plan is to financially fuck you and leave the logistics of childcare to you.

On the one hand he is currently still at MIL's , he has declared his wish to move into the owned property so he hasn't just gone ahead and done it.

He may be counting on OP not thinking to move into the owned property herself because of the DC's school.
It does seem suspicious though, and absolutely not acceptable whatever his motives.
If OP is SAHM she is financially very vulnerable at the moment .
I agree that OP should get her arse back to the owned property ASAP to be on the safe side.

Yes, as previous posters say, the owner house is the marital asset, and 50/50 means he would not be liable for maintenance. You are a SAHM so it is not at all clear how you would support yourself and DC. The risks to you in this situation are high.

The immediate points I think are, aside from see a solicitor which is no 1:

You are currently the main carer, so you need to move into the marital home with DC.

His contact/overnights needs to be discussed with DC best interests in mind. He has not considered these. Aside from anything else 50/50 means 50/50, not dropping back at yours before school. It is not clear that going from you being the main carer to 50/50 is in the best interests of the children, and splitting DC up so that the two oldest have contact and the toddler does not is certainly not in their best interests. The plans should work for all children, not least because they are siblings and will have that bond but also because you need to know when you will be able to work, as you will need to find a job. Looking after the 15 month old full-time whilst he takes the older ones 50/50 effectively means you cannot find a job but he is not liable for maintenance.

You will have to adjust your ideas about the two bed house being too small - that is unfortunately the reality of life as a single parent (and many two parent families). Too small also means more affordable on a single income, speaking from experience. You need to become very creative with storage and space solutions. The fact that the older DC school is not close is a bigger problem, but he or she will be less disrupted with a consistent travel pattern and home arrangements (I.e keeping as much as possible the same as now).

I understand that you are exhausted with little sleep, which is why he is doing this now. But he stays at MIL and you need to find the strength and energy to get yourself with DC into the more secure owned accommodation and to a solicitor.

I think (as other pp have said) that he's asking for 50% to avoid paying child maintenance. I have a friend who is in process of splitting up with her H, he asked for the same, odd thing is until they split I'd never seen him at a football match, school event, sports day etc. Suddenly he's demanding FaceTime every day and all sorts of overnights.
Speaking as the child of divorced parents, keep them at home as much as possible, especially for sleeping, of course they need to see their dad, but a sensible length day out is good for this. I found the packing my bags every weekend exhausting and emotional. My step mother was and still is very hard to spend time with.

This is a textbook situation, OP, the Beautiful South even wrote a song about it

It is very good, and apt here.

It's called "a little time", listen to it

I agree with everyone else. I understand this will be hugely disruptive. But you do really need to move in your owned house before him. And if you don’t make it, you can still move in anyway. It’s your house and legally you can live there.

Can your parents help you? If they're not working, can they come and stay over and sort this all out with you? Is your owned property currently tenanted?

Other practical stuff. Is his post still coming to the house? Can you get together all the financial information you have on him - pay slips, pension, mortgage, bank statements, any other assets etc?

Idk if a court order exists to somehow ban you from seeking residence of the owned property once he’s taken residency. But this is something I would look into with extreme urgency.

You must have friends you can call on. Or kind people you know. Can I suggest you use them right now to help you with childcare to ascertain your legal position.

My ex DH left to "find himself" there was nobody else. He found himself round the corner in my best friend's flat !