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Original poster

DH wants to move out and date me

181 replies

canadianflower · 25/05/2019 20:37

My husband has said he's not sure what he wants and says he wants to move out. We have a tiny house we have been trying to sell and he wants to move in here while he works out what he wants and "date" me. He also wants the kids there 50% of the time.

I feel it's unfair to disrupt everyone for a while but obviously appreciate this would be the new normal if we divorce. He's not saying he wants to divorce though, just that he needs space and wants to date me to revive the marriage.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Ruru8thestars · 26/05/2019 00:29

I would give notice on your rented property and move into the home you own - should be big enough without him. He can stay with his mum sod his desires. Then you can look at selling later.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2019 00:33

@TheBubGrower nope, all fathers are feckless, dislike their children, do not hi g in the house that isn't a way to manipulate their partners and have no desire to support their children unless they're having sex with the kids Mum. Apparently.

OP have you asked him how he intends to accommodate the kids 50% of the time in a too small home? Does he currently do school runs, holiday cover? Is he aware that 50/50 means he's covering over 6 weeks of holiday a year?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2019 00:35

Does it genuinely make a difference to custody or financial split that he would be living in the family home with the kids 50% if custody is 50/50 he's not liable for CMS becasue he had them half the time.
You'd have to apply for benefits for rent etc. and / or look for work when he has them.

Original poster
canadianflower · 26/05/2019 00:38

@SleepingStandingUp I think he means 50% of the time he isn't at work.

He talked about dropping the kids back for school before work and that's partly why I am worried. It feels hugely disruptive for them. The eldest goes to school near the new rental not near the old house which is actually in a different town. So it would mean waking them very early, scooting them across town to get back to me each time to take them to school. He doesn't seem to have even considered the impact all of this might have on them both and I understand it would be a necessity if this is a permanent split but wouldn't want to put them through all of this if he just wants a holiday from the marriage for a few months.

Part of the reason he wants them to stay is due to me though as I've said I need some sleep. The baby isn't sleeping at all and I'm dealing with it alone while he's at his mums so he's saying he could help give me a break at nights if they went and stayed there with him.

OP posts:
Stroller15 · 26/05/2019 00:49

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a really shitty situation. It doesn't sound right to me and it also sounds like you're in a very vulnerable position. I would get legal advice asap without telling him and you move into the house you own etc. Do you have good support irl? You deserve more than this.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2019 00:56

CMS goes on sleepovers I think so even if he's collecting them at 7pm and dropping them at 7.so literally just doing bed and wake up, it would still count

NumbersStation · 26/05/2019 00:56

His intentions might be honourable.

I suspect they are not.

I wish men would polish the balls they are born with and end things properly instead of fannying about.

You've had some cracking advice on this thread OP. Take heed.

From someone who was out-fannied by a ball-less wonder.

Flowers
TwiceAsNice22 · 26/05/2019 00:56

I think you need legal advice and you need to proceed as if you are getting divorced. Having the kids overnight then dropping them to you to take to school is not practical or in your child’s best interests (or yours).

You are a SAHM now, but what about in the future when you go back to work? Think how much this will impact what jobs you get.

If you feel 50/50 is best for you and the kids, great, but it has to actually be 50/50. And with that there are impacts on work hours etc and each parent has to sort that out. He can’t just dump all the inconvenient bits on you and call it 50/50.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 26/05/2019 01:04

I think he means 50% of the time he isn't at work... He talked about dropping the kids back for school before work

He's having a laugh. Echoing PPs to please get some legal advice - then tell him he's either a cheeky fucker or he's shit at maths because if he wants 50% he's going to have to arrange and pay for breakfast club/childcare for 'his' days as you're not at his beck and call anymore to facilitate his career.

The baby isn't sleeping at all and I'm dealing with it alone while he's at his mums so he's saying he could help give me a break at nights if they went and stayed there with him.

He will or his Mum will?

SandyY2K · 26/05/2019 01:08

but doesn't want to come home as he still says he doesn't know how he feels

Perhaps I have too much pride, but if my DH said this to me, the decision would not be his to make.

I would decide it's over, because unless I had done something wrong (like have an affair), I wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to decide. I would no longer be an option, as those words from him, would change my feelings towards him sharpish.

HennyPennyHorror · 26/05/2019 01:16

He's trying to get his claws into the property you own OP. He figures if he's living there and has the kids there, he'll get to stay...his "50%" wil turn into "70%" and he will claim he's the main carer.

As someone else said MOVE INTO THE HOUSE YOU OWN YOURSELF. Now.

RagingWhoreBag · 26/05/2019 01:18

I'm confused, why does everyone assume 50/50 childcare is just a ploy in divorce to avoid child maintenance? Surely some men just actually want to live with their children??

Because most often these are men who don't do 50% of the childcare or housework while they're married, but suddenly decide they're dad of the fucking year when they split up, because they realise that the alternative means handing over cash. They then go on to shirk their 50% at every available opportunity and bitch about every penny of maintenance they pay.

(no, not ALL men - yawn - but enough of them to make it the most obvious motivation in this case)

If you've spent any time on the MN relationships board at all this will not be news to you.

HennyPennyHorror · 26/05/2019 01:21

50-50 can be fantastic of both parents are actually GOOD parents. Problem is a lot of these men aren't capable of parenting well.

And yes as Raging says, they see it as a way to shirk and they DO shirk.

Rocketgirl1 · 26/05/2019 01:23

Is he suggesting having the baby as well then so you can sleep?

1forAll74 · 26/05/2019 01:26

Well, if your husband doesn't know what to do,and he needs space, tell him to train as an astronaut,, or get the next train to outer Siberia or wherever.. He sounds a trite unhinged !!

He does not sound like the perfect gentleman and intelligent person to me,, so let him get some space, a good distance from you.!!

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/05/2019 01:31

Just no OP Confused. He needs to learn that the whole bloody world doesn't owe him what he wants and that it doesn't revolve around him either, because clearly he believes that it does. Don't let him normalise this batshit idea by going along with it. You are right to protect your DC from the obvious disruption his selfish wants will cause but the person causing that is him and not you; you don't need to work out whether you'll go along with it HE needs to work out that the suggestion takes the piss, is actually (I imagine) very very hurtful to you, and decipher that he can't have his cake and eat it.

Your decision is your own of course but I would feel degraded by his suggestion and tell him it isn't for me to impress him so he can decide if he wants me and the side of himself he's shown in requesting this has revealed him to be so pathetic and self serving I'm not sure I could possibly fancy him again. PP are right that he's saying he only wants you at your best and the rest bores him. I cannot really stress enough how much of a knob he sounds. You deserve far, far better, certainly not someone who wants to demote you to give you a chance to prove to him you might be good enough Confused.

BarnabasTheMaineCoon · 26/05/2019 01:38

He doesn't seem to have even considered the impact all of this might have on them both and I understand it would be a necessity if this is a permanent split but wouldn't want to put them through all of this if he just wants a holiday from the marriage for a few months.

He has, he doesn't give a shit. He's not doing you a favour, giving you a break, being honourable. He is trying to shaft you, leave you with complete and total FA. He's had advice from somewhere. He's full of shit and treating you like it, too.

Just tell him this doesn't work for me. I'm not an experiment, you don't date your own husband. Move back into the house. File for divorce.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/05/2019 01:43

I agree with everyone else OP, he is a scheming fucker.

DeaflySilence · 26/05/2019 02:00

"So he would be moving back into our old 2 bed (which is too small for the kids permanently). I hadn't thought of any divorce consequences of doing this."

The plot becomes clearer. He plans to stitch you right up!

I don't know how you are going to get in there ahead of him (presumably he knows as well as you do when the tenants are due to move out) but, by fair means or foul, make immediate plans to move in there before he can.

Beg or buy off the tenants if you have to, if you can ... move into that house .... (wonder if any mumsnetters could come up with an idea that took the tenants secretly out and you secretely in, a week or two early) ... oh and get a lawyer!

Weenurse · 26/05/2019 02:05

Get legal advice and move into the home you own now.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 26/05/2019 02:06

He definitely has has legal advice/been on some arsenet forum. He walked out on you with no discussion with you and left you to look after the DC and not given a shit about them/impact on you. Then after having some 'space' he offers to have the DC (agree with Rocketgirl1 that I doubt that includes the baby, he's not that daft to volunteer for the baby graft) overnight to give you a break... Nah it doesn't add up because he's out to shaft you. Sorry Flowers

PregnantSea · 26/05/2019 02:14

I would tell him to go ahead and move out but be clear that it would be permanent.

MrsTeaspoon · 26/05/2019 02:19

You must get legal advice!!! This 50% is very concerning - it entitles him to half the child benefit, entitles him to a lot of things regarding children that 49% doesn’t!
Please be very wary...

pazwaz70 · 26/05/2019 02:21

Why don't you take a holiday from the marriage! Leave him with the kids,I feel so angry for you.

MenaMum · 26/05/2019 02:24

From what I've read its sounds as if his long term plan is to have the older dc during the weeks and to stay in the 2 bedder. Leave you with the baby and also to do drop offs and pick ups of the school aged dc.

I'm not sure what this would mean for a divorce (and would if be 50 50 if he doesn't care for the baby for any substantial amount of time) but you probably couldn't force the sale of the 2 bedder, upon divorcing, if the dc are there every week night. Can you afford the rental property on your own?

I would definitely get some professional advice op as this does sound complicated.

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