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Original poster

DH wants to move out and date me

181 replies

canadianflower · 25/05/2019 20:37

My husband has said he's not sure what he wants and says he wants to move out. We have a tiny house we have been trying to sell and he wants to move in here while he works out what he wants and "date" me. He also wants the kids there 50% of the time.

I feel it's unfair to disrupt everyone for a while but obviously appreciate this would be the new normal if we divorce. He's not saying he wants to divorce though, just that he needs space and wants to date me to revive the marriage.

What would you do?

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 25/05/2019 21:34

PicsInRed is so right. He's acting on legal advice. You are being set up. Get a lawyer and Do Not let the children be dragged from place to place until legal visitation and Child support are arranged.

WeAreTheWeirdosMister · 25/05/2019 21:34

He wants you to leave, so it looks like it's you who has left. It would potentially make him entitled to stay in the house if you divorce.
If he needs space he needs to go and find that space himself.

floraloctopus · 25/05/2019 21:35

He's an idiot. Tell him to fuck off and let the courts sort out the children.

GabsAlot · 25/05/2019 21:35

No dear you got it backwards weve done the dating part already

A friends years ago lived with a man he wanted his space so they split so to speak except she kept seeing him i told her she was a mug

tararabumdeay · 25/05/2019 21:35

So you've got the house you all live in and a 'tiny' one he wants to bolt to? No wonder he kept the 'tiny' one he's been thinking of this all along. Demand avoidance and abject selfishness.

If the two houses are jointly owned they both go into the pot but the 50% child care is a scam so you have to sell both and share the proceeds.

Dating you! It doesn't work like that asshole.

RainbowWaffles · 25/05/2019 21:35

He is dumping you but doesn’t have the bottle to tell you. This is his was of letting you down gently and establishing 50/50 contact (so he doesn’t have to pay you any maintenance) before you get all divorcey and combative.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 25/05/2019 21:40

@canadianflower.....you haven’t given a lot of context but from what you have said, it doesn’t sound good. Is there a back story?

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 25/05/2019 21:41

What do you want?

BruceAndNosh · 25/05/2019 21:41

What if you made it clear that you no longer have sex with people you date?

OrdinarySnowflake · 25/05/2019 21:41

God no, as others have said, there's only 2 reasons for this -

he's dumping you, but making you put yourself in a situation first that enables him to walk away easily with the minimum costs, or
he has decided he wants you at your best, all dressed up, fancy matching underwear, when it suits him. Half the week off from family responsibilities, still has you as his wife for family occasions/work events, still gets to sleep with you. He doesn't have to tell his family he's left his wife and kids, he doesn't have to deal with other people's disapproval.

Agree that even if this is not the prelude to him wanting a divorce, this is about him getting rid of all the difficult bits of your relationship and just keeping the best bits. I agree that he would expect you to do all the family admin, even bet you end up arranging the babysitters for your date nights. He gets your undived attention when you are together and tonnes of free time to do his own thing.

I would tell him you won't tell him what to do, but you will not date him after he's left you, if he leaves, you will view that as him leaving.

Then get some legal advice.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/05/2019 21:44

Fucking weird. I think it’s a not paying maintenance trap too.

OrdinarySnowflake · 25/05/2019 21:45

The only other thing to add - is he having some sort of mental health crisis?

Just because it sounds like he's trying to go back to a stage of his life when he was very happy, when you were first dating. Is this part of a general breakdown and his clutching at straws to try to recreate a time when he was happy because he's miserable now? It could be he needs help, rather than is being a bit of a bastard. (and if so, moving out and living alone half the week with noone to keep an eye on him, and no other adult in the house when he is responsibile for the DCs is not a good idea)

Strawberrypancakes · 25/05/2019 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CruellaFeinberg · 25/05/2019 21:47

Why/where is the OP saying he wants her to move out?? I'm not seeing it

I would tell him, that if he goes, then he goes, and that's it.

His 50% of the time with the kids is a ploy to claim he is 50% Dad whilst you will still do all the drudge jobs like doctors, school, buying clothes etc for child support and financial matters.

Are you happy for the kids to live away from you half of the week? Because this could set a precedence for custody if you do end up divorcing.

Why would OP be doing all the 'drudge' jobs? you've taken a lot from a scant OP. Why cant (STBX)-H have 50/50?

Deathgrip · 25/05/2019 21:47

To try the relationship with a degree of freshness
You can’t have a “fresh relationship” with your spouse. Your relationship is changed by your shared experiences, that’s sort of the point.

OP, I don’t know about you but “not having to date” was way up my list of “reasons to get married”. I’m not sure how “but we can date each other” is meant to be a consolation.

So even if you take him at face value which you shouldn’t, because he’s full of shit he wants all the fun parts of a relationship and none of the drudgery or responsibility. What next - is he going to go out and get a convertible? Hair plugs?

He thinks he’s being so smart with his plans to manipulate maintenance and getting his foot in the property. What a twangleberry.

TanMateix · 25/05/2019 21:50

Good grief, tell him to grow a pair, tells you what he wants and then fuck off. This letting you down “kindly” is a mere act of cowardice to feel better about himself.

Michelleoftheresistance · 25/05/2019 21:53

So he wants you to provide him with a pick me dance to try and keep him, and sex, in a fun way for him, while he debates 'what he wants' and whether or not to leave you? How lovely for his ego. What does he think is in this for you exactly? If he wants to leave the relationship he needs to behave like a grown up about it, and it's not all about him and what he wants.

So sorry OP, this is a well known script. Take a look at www.chumplady.com/ there's a lot of support there.

londonrach · 25/05/2019 21:55

He wants to leave but doing it slowly. Marriage is over sorry op. The dates never happen. Has he any female friends as suspect he got someone

Halo84 · 25/05/2019 21:55

Are you in Canada or the UK?

How old are your children?

PicsInRed · 25/05/2019 21:56

Why would OP be doing all the 'drudge' jobs? you've taken a lot from a scant OP

Who do you imagine presently schleps to M&S for the kids' pants? Who do you think takes them to the doctor and deals with school bollocks admin? I would bet cash money that he thinks 50/50 means that the kids sleep at his half the time, not that he's given one whiff of thought to the rest that goes into everyday parenting.

53rdWay · 25/05/2019 22:01

How grim would those dates be? Imagine getting all dolled up and spending the evening trying desperately to be as fun and witty and gorgeous as you can, while you’re desperately trying to hold your marriage together and he’s thinking “ehhh, do I want this or should I play the field a bit?”

jessicawessica · 25/05/2019 22:01

Tell him you're quite happy for him to move into the tiny house (which will have to be sold on divorce)
Also tell him that the dating idea is a good one and you are looking forward to going on dates.....with other men, not him as that will add a "degree of freshness" to your life.

CruellaFeinberg · 25/05/2019 22:03

Why would OP be doing all the 'drudge' jobs? you've taken a lot from a scant OP

How the hell do you know this with the text of the OP??

Aridane · 25/05/2019 22:05

Marriage Counselling!

JustHereforHarriet · 25/05/2019 22:06

If he wants to date you, he can do that without moving out. Just... go out.

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