DH wants to move out and date me

[canadianflower]

My husband has said he's not sure what he wants and says he wants to move out. We have a tiny house we have been trying to sell and he wants to move in here while he works out what he wants and "date" me. He also wants the kids there 50% of the time.

I feel it's unfair to disrupt everyone for a while but obviously appreciate this would be the new normal if we divorce. He's not saying he wants to divorce though, just that he needs space and wants to date me to revive the marriage.

What would you do?

What a massive bellend. What I would do is tell him to fuck off to the far end of fuck & then fuck off some more & shut the fucking door on his way out.

Does he care that his little whim (or more likely strategic exit plan..) will be disruptive & confusing for the kids? I’d be very very wary of this 50% suggestion too - he establishes that, you get no maintenance or settlement in the divorce - gives you a much harder fight later on..

I’d take bets on him either being a selfish twat who finds family life terribly inconvenient or he needs more free time to shag another woman, or he’s paving the way for a easy divorce & being fucking sneaky about it. If it’s the first one I bet he’s a hobby cyclist (random I know but every one I’ve got ever met is like that!).

Don’t be a doormat OP, if you really want to be with him tell him to step up & get with the programme - relationships/parenting are a team effort, not something you can dip in and out of (but do you really want to be with him? What he’s suggesting would be a dealbreaker for me..)

Because, Cruella, 99% of the time mothers do these things. They also handle registrations for extracurricular activities, arrange play dates, buy clothing, and on and on.

How the hell do you know this with the text of the OP

Common sense, statistics and grim experience does the job there.

Wow, this is a new one! Sounds like he’s been briefed by someone as to how things will pan out if he dumps you, and is trying out a cunning plan. Laugh in his face and tell the twonk absolutely not.

Who has the kids while you date.

I would get legal advice.

My first thought...he's shagging someone else and he thinks this is a great way to make that easier whilst being a coward by not ending your marriage.

Plus his wanting 50/50 childcare is BS. He will soon backtrack when he realises how much work is actually entailed.
I would put good money on him ending up as a weekend dad and a pretty crap one at that as he'll be too busy 'finding himself' to do any practical parenting.

80+ replies. Nothing further from OP.

I wanted to write some advice but...

Oh just fuck off.

is the response I'd give to a dithering dickhead of a man who wants to end his marriage but is too much of a coward to be direct.

How rude is he to think he calls the shots? Having the kids 50% of the time - hmmm. Make sure that arrangement is drawn up properly and that he doesn't develop the lazy entitled-itis that many do, of soon enough wanting this to mean he visits the kids at yours as it's easier for him. Then his home space is entirely his own (nice and conveniently private for him) whilst you have to have him sitting around in your home.

Once he's left let him stay out. Don't be a halfway-house for him.

The nerve of some men. He needs the door slammed in his face so hard his big head will ricochet off it

He does not really just get to say he wants the children 50/50. Presumably they are settled in the family home and depending on their ages, they will also have views. Many jurisdictions give some weight to the views of the children. You (both parents) also need to consider their welfare, education, all of those things, he cannot just carve up their lives because he decides he wants to move out and ‘date’ you. There are legal processes for this, and first stop in your case would be a solicitor and then mediation to sort out what is best for the children. That may be 50/50, it may not, but both parents should be involved in those decisions and the children’s wishes and needs also considered.

I would not agree anything until you have taken legal advice. Treat this as if he is leaving you (which he is) and I would also make that clear to him.

ahahahahahahaha and then
Fairylea this.
fucking fuckety fuckwitting fucker what an insulting fuck.
oh yes darling how would you feel about that.
good grief.do some men/people really think this is ok

Get thee to a lawyer. He's been to one or taken advice from someoen who knows how to make the divorce easier and finanvially better for the H. At worst he wants a divorce, has OW and at best wants you to work very hard to "reignite" things. Giving him half custody is a big, big red flag!!

I wouldn't be ruling it out yet.

What is his actual problem? Just him feeling unsure about the marriage or is there mental health issues? How has the relationship been previously?

Before making any decision about it first I would expect him to go to marriage counselling. This option can be discussed there also.

if this was on aibu i'd be a bit about the lack of response from op by now.

agree to nothing with regards the kids, it's a financial trap... and tell him to GTF.

I really don't think the 50/50 thing is a red flag because I honestly think your DH is under some delusion that he will be able to handle it. I would play him at his own game and agree.
Let's see how he copes with getting them to school/picking them up. washing clothes, ironing school uniforms, helping with homework, remembering PE kits, filling out consent forms, supplying baking ingredients for domestic science, remembering to buy presents for friend's parties, cooking meals, shopping for food, etc,etc.
Not saying for one moment that a lot of dads who share childcare 50/50 aren't doing this, but your DH sounds a bit too selfish for that role.

Think you`ve hit the @canadianflower with a thunderbolt of replies. Not sure how I would reply to be honest.

Oh - and he gets to nob the BOTS in the nice, big house (and probably move her in) whilst his 'date' is expected to dutifully remain loyal to him in case he gets bored after a couple of months of fucking the pair of them under the pretext of being only seeing them.

Don't agree to anything without getting legal advice of your own. Whatever the circumstances, this sounds like a man who cares about what's best for him and doesn't care how you and the DC feel about it. Never, ever agree to suggestions from a partner who wants some sort of trial separation/'time to think' etc without taking independent advice when you have a shared home, finances and DC together.

The most cowardly way to tell you it is over, whilst still hedging his bets. He definitely has someone else, he is still unsure what she is going to do. I'd smile and say ok (get him out) and then cease any contact, see a solicitor and get very thing you are entitled to. I would not engage with this piece of shit personally ever again.

I'd tell him, 'I'll think about it' and then on Tuesday I'd see a solicitor. And file for divorce. He's full of shit. Wants to see if OW will have him and fuck you over in the divorce. Cob onto his shit.

"He's waaaaay ahead of you on this, legally, which makes me suspicious that he has a plan and probably legal advice. And I'm so sorry, but there's probably someone else. This "dating" you business is a touch too "the gentleman doth protest too much". flowers"

This ^, is worth reading twice, @canadianflower.

Talk to a solicitor, before you discuss this any further with your husband, then tell him how things will be!

He will already have the information he was given when obtaining legal advice.

(Hope you are not off discussing and agreeing things with him, before returning to read all the mostly good advice on your thread, OP)

I'm confused, why does everyone assume 50/50 childcare is just a ploy in divorce to avoid child maintenance? Surely some men just actually want to live with their children?? I'm pretty sure if my OH and I ever divorced he would want to share childcare, and maintenance would not be his main motivation. I genuinely don't get this

The 50% sounds fishy, ot sounds like he is setting himself up to show a court that you agreed to it and it 'works'. I'd be concerned he has gotten advice on how to leave you.

Sorry @fecketyfeck21 I went to sleep. I've got a 15 month old who is up multiple times in the night so I tend to sleep on her schedule. She just woke for a feed so I'm back up too.

He's already moved out and is staying at his mums. This has been the case since he said he needed the space and doesn't know how he feels about me...
but he is now getting fed up of living in a spare room, but doesn't want to come home as he still says he doesn't know how he feels.

We own the other house. We rent the one I'm living in. We were all living in the rental together. This happened because we couldn't sell it but with the birth of the baby completely outgrew it. It's just the state of the housing market where we are. It's still on the market now.

So he would be moving back into our old 2 bed (which is too small for the kids permanently). I hadn't thought of any divorce consequences of doing this. Does it genuinely make a difference to custody or financial split that he would be living in the family home with the kids 50% of the time even if the house is too small for the long term?

I'm a SAHM.