Is he attracted to me?

[TickTockClock4]

Married male friend. He calls me for chats 30-90 minutes at a time. Never when he’s with his wife. He hasn’t crossed a line in telling me his feelings but we talk intimately about my relationship and invariably sex comes up in the conversation. Does he fancy me or is he just being a good friend?

We’re in our late thirties. We met after he got married.

What does it matter op. He's married. He's off limits. You are sounding a bit obsessed if I'm honest. This will start affecting your relationship with OH if you are spending all day thinking does he fancy me, does he fancy me.

I was just interested to hear someone else’s perspective on it.

My perspective: by discussing your sex life with this man you have already started to betray your husband.

And if she was discussing her sex life with a woman this wouldn't be betraying her husband?

The OP is attracted to the married man hence the inappropriateness @TheSandman.

The OP wishes for the man to feel the same but not act on it which none of us her believe.

I haven’t rtft but I think it’s not that “it’s inappropriate for this board”, just that it is inappropriate.

"I’m scared that he’ll say no and mean no, because that would really hurt and ruin our friendship."

Have I read this right? You want him to fancy you and if he doesn't it'll hurt your friendship? How can not fancying you ruin the friendship? I don't want my friends to fancy me, what an awful thing, to want someone to fancy you while also simultaneously (apparently) not wanting to act on it. You're not a friend to this man. You have a really warped sense of what friendship is. You want this man to make you feel attractive and wanted. You're really really bad for each other.

You're clearly looking to start an affair. Why don't you do the decent thing and leave your husband? You obviously don't care about him. You've not mentioned him once in all this, it's all about you. Imagine how mortified he'd be to know what you talk to this other man about while you're hoping he's interested enough to cheat with you. Ick.

Op isnt bothered about her friendship with him.

She said herself

If he tells her he fancies her it would ruin the friendship

If he says he doesnt, it will ruin the friendship.

The only situation OP can put forward where this converstation wont ruin the relationship they have is if he does fancy her and leaves his wife for her.

She has also said she can not lose him as a friend. If, just the friendship, was soooo important to her she would put boundaries in place (like telling him, him hiding conversations from his wife isnt ok) and put all thoughts of wether he fancies her or not out of her head.

But then she wouldnt get the drama of living this out in her head all the time. It's quite clear a friendship isnt what she is after, because she is willing to risk and the only outcome she will be happy with is him leaving his wife and her leaving her husband for eachother.

Shame she doesnt have the bottle to actually she end her marriage.

Oh and while this is all what she wants, she insists she doesnt want to hurt his wife.

Whether you can see it or not, you're crossing boundaries OP. No good can come of this, back off.

This is ridiculous. You're banging on about how you "don't want to hurt his wife", yet how would your husband feel if he knew you had feelings for another man and instead of doing the sensible, mature thing to do - ie stepping away from the situation and letting your feelings fizzle out - you're keeping it going.

You're undoubtedly pathetic, you cannot be this dim. Although people like you often play ignorant on purpose to justify your vile ways.

You know damn well what you're doing and that normal friendship boundaries have been crossed. I seriously hope your husband finds out and tells you to leave. He does not deserve this.

As for his wife, I wish the same for her, but I hope she puts you in your place first.

Here's hoping karma finds you.

Please do clarify why him not being attracted to you would ruin this "friendship"

Also there's nothing honourable in any of your actions. Neither of you sound to be good people.

If you're at this point, address your marriage and leave. Clearly you're not happy, but go search for single men not married men. But of course, people like you can never just leave an unhappy marriage unless they have someone else lined up.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a man and woman being friends, talking on the phone or talking about personal issues. That's what happens in friendships.

But it shouldn't matter to you whether he fancies you or not OP. And that's where you're crossing the line.

The OP is attracted to the married man hence the inappropriateness @TheSandman.

So...? It's her sex life. Surely she should be able to discuss it with whomsoever she wants (age restrictions applied) whether the other person is male, female, or other, whether she is attracted to him, her, or them or not.

Discussing her sex life with someone else is not the same as doing the deed with someone else - and, even if she was, if she made her partner aware and he's happy with the situation (and I've been there done that and we're still married several years later) and the other woman is ditto ditto ditto - what's the problem?

This knee jerk, heterosexual strict monogamy, sex = guilt, mindset is just so destructive.

Mind you, it does look to me as if the OP is a bit of a drama queen, looking to make her life more interesting, and flattered by all the attention, his and ours. I get enough of that with my kids - so that's me away.

A fair number of my male friends discuss their sex lives with me, and I with them. It's often useful to get different perspectives on things and truly isn't a big deal in isolation.

A fair number of my male friends discuss their sex lives with me, and I with them. It's often useful to get different perspectives on things and truly isn't a big deal in isolation.
Its not in isolation, in this situation, though.

This knee jerk, heterosexual strict monogamy, sex = guilt, mindset is just so destructive

Except the OP and the OM have both promised strict monogamy. If that's not what they want.....they need to speak to their respective spouses. Not deceive them.

That's where the guilt comes from. Not from sex. But from him hiding the extent of the friendship and the OP, hoping he does fancy her leaves his wife for her.

In a full blown affair, the sex is probably the least damaging part for a lot of people. Its the months of lies, that's the biggest thing to get over for a lot of people.

So no. Sex doesnt = guilt. Lying to your partner = guilt. As it should.

Discussingher sex life with someone else is not the same asdoingthe deed with someone else - and, even if she was, if she made her partner aware and he's happy with the situation (and I've been there done that and we're still married several years later) and the other woman is ditto ditto ditto - what's the problem?

If they did that. There would be no problem. But they havent. OP wants to know his feelings, ending the friendship is not an option for her. The only positive outcome of this, in her own words, are that he wants her and leaves his wife.

The OP doesnt want an open relationship. She wants him to fancy her and leave his wife. That's not an open relationship.

Karma. Honestly. She’s spoken on a phone with a guy and has a little crush she’s not going to act on. Hardly a hanging offence.

This kind of "friendship" happened with my partner and to all intents and purposes has pretty much destroyed a relationship of 27 years and destroyed my kids relationship with their dad. You're a fool op, an utter fool.

Are you the other man@TheSandman 😂😂

No-one has stated that sex=guilt. The OP has stated that this man is having hidden and lengthy conversations with her about her lack of sex life etc etc etc

My partner has female friends and some of them are single with occasional tendancies for some tinder action. That doesn't bother me in the slightest if said person wishes to talk about their encounters.

However if my DP was sneaking these lengthy conversations about sex/lack of/teasing with another woman etc you're bloody right I'd have a knee jerk reaction to his balls.

They're BOTH married. They're both being inappropriate and instead of focusing the attention on their spouses, they're sneaking about having these conversations and being selfish

Emotional affairs ruins trust and relationships- spending less time on/with your partner, can't seem to go through day without contacting other person, daydreaming or fantasising about them which the OP is doing now.

It's selfish, prolonged and egotistical behaviour so shouldn't be seen as two old friends having a natter.

She’s spoken on a phone with a guy and has a little crush she’s not going to act on. Hardly a hanging offence.

That's not true.

If you read the thread, she clearly does want it to go further.

And yeah, of course long secret phone calls arent a big deal