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Original poster

Is he attracted to me?

195 replies

TickTockClock4 · 25/05/2019 17:24

Married male friend. He calls me for chats 30-90 minutes at a time. Never when he’s with his wife. He hasn’t crossed a line in telling me his feelings but we talk intimately about my relationship and invariably sex comes up in the conversation. Does he fancy me or is he just being a good friend?

We’re in our late thirties. We met after he got married.

OP posts:
somecakefather · 25/05/2019 22:03

I’ve known plenty of people (friends, myself, partner etc) who have fancied someone else, continued talking to that person but not acted on it. It’s entirely possible

You would be happy for your partner to be telling all about your sex life to a married friend without your knowledge? I certainly wouldn't.

Samind · 25/05/2019 22:15

@Prtf1345- I'm very open minded. Consider myself mature also. No-one is saying you can't look. No-one is saying it is wrong to find someone else attractive.

The OP is encouraging something she knows she shouldn't and discussing her lack of sex life which onviojsly is evoking a reaction out of the married man is wrong. OP knows this and wants a pat on the back and a there there.

People with a decent set of morals are rightly addressing OPs supposed naivety but I imagine they know full well what's going on and is wondering how far they can take it.

No-one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes but this is deliberate on both parts.

Original poster
TickTockClock4 · 25/05/2019 22:41

Thanks Prtf1345, you’ve cheered me up!

OP posts:
Original poster
TickTockClock4 · 25/05/2019 22:44

I’m not a secret from his wife. I’ve met her several times and we get on well. I suspect that he doesn’t tell her every time he communicates with me. He certainly wouldn’t tell her about how long he spends on the phone to me as I think she wouldn’t like it. He doesn’t want to displease her so doesn’t tell her, is my guess.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/05/2019 22:46

What do you mean you hardly meet up?

And cmon, telling him things like you've not had sex for ages, what to put the idea in his mind hoping he might want to offer his services.

Cmon. Have a bit of class.

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2019 22:50

I see no reason why you should stop talking to him. We are allowed to fancy other people and as long as you’re in a monogamous relationship and don’t act on it there is nothing wrong with it

Oh please. Apply some critical thinking skills and done be so naive. She's encouraging him and hoping he fancies her back and something will happen between them. She might not want an affair but she wants something to happen. It doesn't matter how much she denies it.

Original poster
TickTockClock4 · 25/05/2019 22:50

I mean we don’t see each other in person very often. Every 3 months possibly. We speak on the phone weekly.

The chat about sex came up in a subtle way. It’s difficult to explain without the context but it was a natural conversation between close friends.

OP posts:
Persimmonn · 25/05/2019 22:56

Well maybe if you talked to your DH about your lack of sex rather than another man, maybe you’d get it regularly. 🙄

TheSandman · 25/05/2019 23:11

This is a really odd thread. The people who are responding have very narrow mindsets about what the ‘norm’ is.

Totally agree. We men get constantly told we are self-repressed and incapable of making emotional contact and are berated for not talking openly about our feelings - and when we do break though those barriers we are accused of being predatory creeps.

News, people. It IS possible for hetereo and bisexual males to talk about sex with women (married ones too) without ulterior motives.

Stop assuming we're all ONLY interested in shagging everything that moves and try and credit us with some emotional intelligence and maturity for a change.

Samind · 25/05/2019 23:19

@TheSandman. 💐

Motherof3feminists · 25/05/2019 23:23

I should add that he always encourages me to work things out with my husband yet I do get a vibe from him. Is there any way he could fancy me yet encourage me to save my marriage? The situation is a bit weird.

My exH's OW apparently tried to get him to work out our marriage problems. Then shagged him. I've known many a male friend talk to me about my relationships over the years, give advice on how to fix things, then hit on me. They play the nice person to stop you thinking they are hitting on you. Then once you've started fancying them because they listen to you, they care about you and want what's best for you and for you to be happy as well as paying you lots of attention and no doubt compliments, they hit on you. I bet he's said things such as your Dp is lucky to have you and how if he was your Dp he wouldn't treat you like that etc along with comments about how pretty you are, how good you are at xyz, how you're such a good friend etc.

Ugh. I fell for it so many times Blush

He's married. It doesn't matter if he fancies you or not, he's not available and neither are you. And he's shown himself to be untrustworthy in a relationship. Back away and stop stroking his ego.

Plink42 · 25/05/2019 23:35

Ticktockclock
I think you are trying to justify yourself tbh.
How would you feel if this was your husband speaking to another woman for hrs??
You have made your mind up so why come on here and ask a question if you don't like the answers.
IMO you are having an affair with a married man whether meeting him or phoning him. Shock

Scarlettmaid · 25/05/2019 23:44

Prtf1345 I also find the MN community quite judgemental at times to be honest. But I completely see how this whole situation seems off.
Of course it is normal to fancy other people, and to hope that they find us attractive.
But when you start spending a lot of time talking to them about personal stuff, when there is teasing, and when you end up going on a forum to ask " do you think he fancies me?", it's starting to add up to something that goes beyond innocent banter or just flirting. If anything the OP is giving this a lot of headspace and in my experience it is best to nip this in the bud.

Walnutwhipster · 25/05/2019 23:45

Your ego boost could cost you very dearly, tread carefully.

Scarlettmaid · 25/05/2019 23:50

To clarify, it is best to nip this in the bud before she gets seriously hurt. No need for it to become an affair for her to suffer- and no, this is not an affair. It could certainly lead to one though.

Nancydrawn · 25/05/2019 23:57

My best friend is a man. We've been friends since we were kids, we talk on the phone often, and he knows pretty much everything about me. Except about my sex life: not because it's oooh-so-tempting, but because it's an intimate part of my marriage that would feel uncomfortable to share.

We have in the past, when we were in our late teens/early 20s, but not since we've been in our marriages. It's part of growing up.

Icandothisallday · 26/05/2019 06:38

He certainly wouldn’t tell her about how long he spends on the phone to me as I think she wouldn’t like it..

Then why are you involving yourself in this. I have several Male friends. We tall about all sorts. But I know without a doubt that all their wives or partners arent in the dark about our friendships at all.

You want him to fancy you, happy to chat to him, knowing he hide it from his wife, knowing she wouldnt be happy if she found out about these chats.

Why do you want to put yourself in the position where his wife, would be entirely reasonable to suspect an affair?

somecakefather · 26/05/2019 10:14

I’m not a secret from his wife. I’ve met her several times and we get on well

You know fine well he's not telling her that he talks to you about your sex life.

IMO you are having an affair with a married man whether meeting him or phoning him

Yes exactly. I said earlier that an affair starts the minute you start having secret phone calls/ text messages. I don't know why OP posted to be honest, she so blatantly wants to have more with this man.

Icandothisallday · 26/05/2019 10:25

Some people dont call it an affair until it gets physical.

To me it doesnt matter wether its physical or not or technically an affair or not.

Once you are hiding phone calls, what you are talking about is deception wether you agree with the affair label or not.

It's the deception of an affair that does the main damage, imo.

Why the OP would be happy to go along with this man deceiving his wife, take part in it, then have the front to meet the wife, is beyond me. And encourage to massage her own ego.

OP, in a few months, will be moaning her friends wife is being controlling and making him end the friendship, even though it's always been platonic and they are just good friends. Wanting everyone to give her sympathy for losing her friend and calling the wife for being abusive.

FabledChinHair · 26/05/2019 11:28

I bet he has other people he calls or talks to like this. You're taking the bait, if it works he will move onto the next one. Maybe time to work on the self esteem op.

Would you be happy for your OH to sit in the room whilst he calls? If not you've already crossed a line.

Think of his family and kids and all their memories together, every time you're desperate for a shag with him or a bit of flattery picture other people's pain maybe? Might throw some cold water and show it for what it is.

FabledChinHair · 26/05/2019 11:29

And it's kind of telling that the only post you respond positively to is the one that says it's not that bad. So you want him to fancy you. Don't shit on other people's lives for your self esteem. Get a hobby or make some new friends maybe instead.

somecakefather · 26/05/2019 11:39

I bet he has other people he calls or talks to like this. You're taking the bait, if it works he will move onto the next one

Good point. The OW my ex had an affair with had tried it on with a few of the other men at their work before they started their affair. Even when they were together she was trying it on with other men...the ex thought he was 'special' and 'the chosen one' 😅.

FabledChinHair · 26/05/2019 11:48

Exactly @somecakefather these people have a void and they fill it with stuff like this. It's nothing special. They are tossing bait left right and centre usually, at work and at hobby clubs etc etc. Some people are naive enough to fall for it.

Original poster
TickTockClock4 · 26/05/2019 11:57

I don’t think he has any other people that he talks to. He doesn’t have the time. Also he’s really quite shy around women.

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 26/05/2019 11:59

I don’t think he has any other people that he talks to. He doesn’t have the time. Also he’s really quite shy around women.

I bet his wife would be surprised he has time to speak to you for an hour or two as well.

He is shy around women, but (let me guess) you are different. He feels more comfortable around you, then other women.

You can not be this naive.