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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he attracted to me?

195 replies

TickTockClock4 · 25/05/2019 17:24

Married male friend. He calls me for chats 30-90 minutes at a time. Never when he’s with his wife. He hasn’t crossed a line in telling me his feelings but we talk intimately about my relationship and invariably sex comes up in the conversation. Does he fancy me or is he just being a good friend?

We’re in our late thirties. We met after he got married.

OP posts:

FabledChinHair · 26/05/2019 15:57

Ugh he's not a good man is he. Having hour long chats that involve talking about your sex life and not telling his wife. You are asking him if he fancies you, you two are already crossing lines. Come on.

FabledChinHair · 26/05/2019 15:58

*asking here I meant

IamTheMeg · 26/05/2019 16:16

I think he’s a genuinely nice person. Trying to do the right thing. Trying to be a good friend. I think he enjoys my company and maybe even is slightly attracted to me but would never act on it. I don’t think all men are sleazy and manipulative. He’s a good man.

DELUDED

Original poster

TickTockClock4 · 26/05/2019 16:17

Deluded how? You think he wants more than friendship?

OP posts:

IamTheMeg · 26/05/2019 16:22

He's a good man, he's a genuine person- I think you're being deluded and trying to convince yourself!

overdrive · 26/05/2019 16:40

He most likely just wants sex. Whether you define that as "more than friendship" is debatable.

Anyway, you've said you don't want to end the friendship and you wont act on any feelings, you don't accept people telling you he's acting inappropriately (as are you), so what exactly is it that you want from this thread?

Original poster

TickTockClock4 · 26/05/2019 16:43

I want to know if he fancies me.

OP posts:

IamTheMeg · 26/05/2019 16:49

You could always ask him?

Original poster

TickTockClock4 · 26/05/2019 16:51

I’m too scared to ask him.

OP posts:

IamTheMeg · 26/05/2019 16:52

Why are you too scared, are you too scared of his response (yes/no)?

overdrive · 26/05/2019 16:54

Why? What will you do then?

Tableclothing · 26/05/2019 16:55

I was just interested to hear someone else’s perspective on it.

My perspective: by discussing your sex life with this man you have already started to betray your husband.

If you don't want to get divorced you should stop communicating with this man and put your energy into your marriage instead.

If you do want to get divorced then crack on, but don't wait for this bloke to say he's interested.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/05/2019 16:59

If he were just a friend who you chatted on the phone to openly, you wouldn’t want to know if he fancied you. You want to know if he fancies you because you fancy him and are clearly open to having a physical affair. Why else would you want to know?

You are currently having an emotional affair with him, due to your secret long phone calls-he is putting his energies into your (you and him) relationship instead of into his own relationship with his wife. As are you. If I were his wife or your husband, then I would be pissed and would be insisting on transparency and an ending to the long secret phone calls and chats about our sex life.

BTW I don’t chat about my sex life with other people as that is between me and DH-some things are supposed to be kept within the relationship they are within.

Scarlettmaid · 26/05/2019 17:01

" I want to know of he fancies me".. You expect strangers to know what goes on in his head. How can we know 100%. Conveniently, when people claim to know that he is not innocent, then you play the "but you don't know him like I do" cars (he is nice, he wouldn't hurt his wife, he is a good friend). It is impossible to know if he really likes you and fancies you or if he is just boosting his ego with you. But you do care a great deal about whether he fancies you or not. Slippery slope.

Original poster

TickTockClock4 · 26/05/2019 17:02

I’m scared that he’ll say no and mean no, because that would really hurt and ruin our friendship.

I’m scared that he’ll say no despite feeling yes, because, despite what you say, I believe he’s a good person. Again, risking the friendship.

I’m scared he’ll say yes and then we’ll be in a situation in which we fancy each other. The only honourable way to deal with it is to both leave our partners before anything happens. And what man would ever do that?

So I’m scared to ask but I’m still curious.

OP posts:

sunnyskybluesea · 26/05/2019 17:03

I really hope you manage to get your marriage back on track and see this "liaison" for what it is. If your husband doesn't want sex with you then that must be very difficult for you. However, desperately seeking attention from a married man in order to soothe your tattered and fragile ego isn't going to help anyone. Try counselling it's more likely to help.

Icandothisallday · 26/05/2019 17:05

The only honourable way to deal with it is to both leave our partners before anything happens. And what man would ever do that?

That's not honourable.

Tableclothing · 26/05/2019 17:06

Bet you a tenner he fancies you enough to tell you that he'll leave his wife, but not enough to actually do it.

Can you really not see how badly this is going to end?

Scarlettmaid · 26/05/2019 17:06

It isn't a friendship any more, not to you anyway. I couldn't be friends with someone I fancy that much. Too confusing, too complicated.

Scarlettmaid · 26/05/2019 17:09

So you want to know from us. But not from him, because whatever he says it would put pressure on your friendship. What is the point of asking if you don't really want to know? That doesn't make a lot of sense.

SilverySurfer · 26/05/2019 17:09

Why are you asking on here? If you want to fuck him, then fuck him, but first have some respect for your DH and leave him. Unless you would be happy for your DH and his DW to read your messages and know how much you are in contact, you are already having an emotional affair. How would you feel if your DH had a female friend and was doing the same and discussing all the intimate details of your marriage?

How many more of these self obsessed threads are there going to be? Are you aware that a large number of posters are on this board because their partners have cheated and they are seeking help for getting through the pain and here you are wittering on about whether this married man fancies you or not?

Really pathetic.

Motherof3feminists · 26/05/2019 17:12

Funny how you're scared to risk your friendship with him but not your marriage to your husband

Original poster

TickTockClock4 · 26/05/2019 17:16

I’ll leave the thread. I hadn’t realised that it was inappropriate to post on here. Sorry again.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/05/2019 17:25

Hes leading up to no strings sex,and is trying to create an emotional attachment with you beforehand to increase the chances.

Its called the long game.....wake up op, you're being manipulated!

Frownette · 26/05/2019 17:34

He probably fancies you in the same way he does other women. You don't really mention a cerebral/emotional attraction, only that you like the attention and find him physically attractive.

It's obvious you're in too deep and need to step aside from it.

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