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Original poster

Worried about my sister - her DP trying to get her to have abortion

270 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 15:39

I've just had a call from my sister, in tears, telling me how she's recently discovered she's about 2 months pregnant. Her and her DP are, on the face of it, in an ideal situation to start a family - been together a while, just got engaged, comfortably off, big house together, etc, etc. But her DP has been married before and already has children and absolutely doesn't want any more. He has various reasons, e.g. he's a bit older and doesn't want to go back to the sleepless nights, not being able to go out so much, less money, etc and also has issues with his ex wife trying to get more maintenance out of him.

My sister really really wants children of her own (rather than just helping to look after his at weekends) and this has been an issue with them for a while.

They've got an appointment at an abortion clinic this afternoon and I'm worried he'll talk her into agreeing to an abortion even though its not what she really wants. She's terrified of him leaving her if she keeps the baby, but I said if he's the kind of person who would leave her for that he's not worth being with anyway.

I've had an abortion and I know its not the kind of thing to enter into if you're not 100% sure - I knew I was too young, couldn't offer a baby a stable home, not in a good relationship with partner at the time, etc and I still had problems dealing with it afterwards and have been through several counselling sessions to help me with the decision I made. I just don't want her to have the abortion knowing that she really wanted the baby and then have to live with that afterwards.

I know there's nothing I can do now - they're probably at the appointment now - I've said most of what I've written here to her on the phone so she went off having decided to keep the baby and confront her DP. I just hope he doesn't talk her out of it by threatening to leave her. Not sure what anyone else can say - I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

OP posts:
sfxmum · 11/09/2007 11:33

yes rationally, but people's capacity for self deception and self justification can be huge.
doesn't make her less in need of some compassion, I don't think deserving it comes into play

warthog · 11/09/2007 11:38

this is so sad.

she's going to need you big time when she wakes up to reality. and it's going to be awful.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2007 11:41

Then different strokes for different folks, sfx.

Some of us have extremely little sympathy for a grown woman with a great job who 'gets rid' of a healthy 18-week-old foetus because it doesn't suit her lifestyle.

pooka · 11/09/2007 13:20

I was tryng to think of things that might have made me do somtehing similar, against my wishes, and then realised that no... the bottom line is that she has to stand up for herself and for her baby. If she isn't going to do this, then I really don't know what you can do. I think I'd have a tough time being the one to pick up the pieces...

lanismum · 11/09/2007 13:50

I rarely post here, but just have to say never have I felt so frustrated, upset, and angry at a thread, almost dreaded getting to the end in case the abortion had gone ahead, I really hope she is unable to go through with it.

minouminou · 11/09/2007 14:46

is there any news? I've been watching this truly harrowing thread.
I hate this guy.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 11/09/2007 14:48

No news I'm afraid - not answering phone/texts so I daren't think what she's doing. I've decided to wait until she contacts me now, can't handle thinking about it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/09/2007 14:58

You poor soul, IWGOT! Poor you! You must be just sick with it all.

I have to admit I am very upset by this thread, too.

The midwife could not find my second daughter's heartbeat when she was 18 weeks along, and so I had to go for a scan. I remember just crying and willing my baby to be alive en route to hospital - I lost a much wanted baby at 10 weeks in the past - and then being overjoyed to see her moving around on screen.

P.S., the miscarriage I had, just for contrast: I fell pregnant during an unstable, on/off relationship and even though we were off at the time, the father would never have suggested I terminate because a child didn't suit him. Even though we were both in flux with our careers and he was still had two years of training left as a medic.

He accepted full responsibility for the role he played in creating that child, and even though we weren't together, he stuck by me.
That just goes to show you how vile your sister's partner is even more.

beller · 11/09/2007 15:04

and mine expats..just hits it home...some men really are not worthy of that title x

minouminou · 11/09/2007 15:08

Maybe if she's at the clinic and is very distressed, the staff won't go ahead with the procedure.
They must be able to get the measure of the men and women coming through their doors, and will see this situation for what it is, and will dissuade her.
I can quite honestly say that I read through threads and almost instantly forget about them, but this one is haunting me - I really hope it has a happy ending.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 11/09/2007 15:30

Minouminou - I'd also be surprised if they'd agree to perform the procedure - I would hope they have a record of her going twice before and not being able to go through with it, and then coming back at 18 weeks, surely they'd have to ask some very probing questions to make sure she is sure she wants to go through with it and what has made her wait until this late.

Because she hasn't told my parents, my mum is happily planning a birthday surprise for my sister unaware of what she's going through, and has been texting my sister's DP today with ideas and he's texted her back. I'm hoping that means he can't be in a clinic, surely they wouldn't allow mobiles? Maybe I'm clutching at straws, I suppose he could have popped out to check his phone? I can't bear the thought of ever seeing him again but don't want to upset my mum by telling her everything, she'd be distraught.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/09/2007 15:38

If this were my daughter I cringe to think of what I might do to this excuse for a man.

minouminou · 11/09/2007 15:39

Is your mum quite elderly? I ask this as you mentioned your sister's age. Could she not influence her in any way, if she were to know about the pregnancy?
Obviously if the worst has happened, then this is a moot point, but if your sister's still vacillating, then maybe (if your mum's up to it) she culd be an extra support/lever.
I just hope, if she did go to the clinic, she got into theatre, realised what she was doing (i'm pro-choice BTW, and had a TOP aged 21, as I really wasn't in a good position at that time)and jumped up off that table and ran.

tribpot · 11/09/2007 15:56

Another one adding her voice to the hoping and hoping she won't go through with this in the end. Poor you, IWGOT. What a burden for you to carry / hide from your mum.

Dropdeadfred · 11/09/2007 16:20

Could you not ask your mum to text DP and ask where your sis is cos she isn't answering her phone?

expatinscotland · 11/09/2007 16:23

it would be like him to sweep the whole thing under the rug and pretend it never happened.

i feel sorry for his other kids.

bet his ex is glad she's well shot of him.

LadyTophamHatt · 11/09/2007 16:41

this thread has been on my mind all day.

it breaks my heart to think of that poor little baby.

I'd stand by anyone who wanted/needed support through a termination but this is a whole differnet thing IMO.
I think if it were my sister I'd never be able to forgive either of them. She HAS to stand up to him...I just can't get my head around the fact that shes doing this because of him., because it dosn't fit into their lives.

No man in the world is worth the haertache that this will cause.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2007 16:47

Not to mention, then putting her own sister, in the position of having to hide such a thing from their mother.

What an awful thing to put upon a loved sibling. Or any sibling, for that matter.

Like I said, I feel sorry for his kids. I had a gob on me even at the age of 12, and if I'd found out my dad had done such a thing to my baby brother or sister, you can better believe that as soon as I turned 16 that would be the last he ever heard from me and I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire.

HansieMom · 11/09/2007 20:36

Did you call the clinic? They need to know she is being pressured. There's more I want to write about this poor baby but I won't.

tribpot · 11/09/2007 20:39

Hansie - the clinic can't place any weight on a phone call from some random stranger claiming to be IWGOT. As tragic as this is, it's IWGOT's sister's decision (note I do not say choice) and the horror and frustration we all feel on her behalf is because of that.

I still hope for a happy outcome, I still hope that either the clinic wouldn't do it or she wouldn't do it.

KaySamuels · 11/09/2007 20:50

Oh god I haven't been following this thread as I read the OP and hoped it came to a happy outcome. I can't believe it's still going on, this man is vile and I hope your sis realises it before it is too late and she makes a terrible decision. I am prochoice too - but lets face it if she goes through with this it will not be through her natural choice.

I am gonna keep hoping, that's all I can do. I have had a termination in the past at a young age and although I don't regret it, I do still have moments of sadness about 'my baby'. Especially when I was pregnant with ds (esp reading pg books, or feeling him grow), or when I see a child the age mine would have been. And that's with it being my decision that I still stand by!

Your poor sister. Poor you too to have to watch this unfold must be heart wrenching.

kindersurprise · 11/09/2007 20:58

I too have been watching this unfold with a mixture of sadness, misbelief and dread.

It is difficult to comprehend how anyone could put their partner through this hell.

I really hope that your sister found her spine and told her bastard partner to get lost.

She is lucky to have you, you have been a wonderful support these past weeks.

princessandthepea · 11/09/2007 22:05

Just had to add to the thread. That poor little baby , like everyone else, I really hope that your sister did not decide to go through with the abortion. No wonder she hasn't told her mum about this whole dreadful situation as I think that your mum is likely to be quite ashamed of her. I realise that there are genuine reasons for having an abortion but surely the fact that she wants a bigger house is not a valid reason ? I also think its awful that they are making a decision to abort this pregnancy under the belief that they will have another baby in the future (as if that is going to happen anyway judging by him). No baby will ever replace this baby which is obviously something your sister seems not to be thinking about .
I am so, so sorry that you are having to go though this, like it has been said before, I would find it so difficult to be compassionate towards my sister if she aborted a baby for the same reasons as the ones that your sister has given.
I really wish you well & truely hope that this has some kind of happy ending.

fireflyfairy2 · 11/09/2007 22:22

I think, if it were me, weeks ago in front of our parents I would have made some reference to her pregnancy.

Especially knowing her dh wanted her to have an abortion.. I would have made sure family were aware of the baby's existence.

What a slimy spineless bastard & I'm sorry, but your sister is playing the victim & if she is unwilling to defend her unborn child, then he/she really had no chance to begin with

Jackstini · 11/09/2007 22:23

IWGOT - you must be going through hell still not knowing and your poor sister is being put through hell by this monster.
I have been praying my head off she did not go through with it.
Poor poor baby