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Original poster

Worried about my sister - her DP trying to get her to have abortion

270 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 15:39

I've just had a call from my sister, in tears, telling me how she's recently discovered she's about 2 months pregnant. Her and her DP are, on the face of it, in an ideal situation to start a family - been together a while, just got engaged, comfortably off, big house together, etc, etc. But her DP has been married before and already has children and absolutely doesn't want any more. He has various reasons, e.g. he's a bit older and doesn't want to go back to the sleepless nights, not being able to go out so much, less money, etc and also has issues with his ex wife trying to get more maintenance out of him.

My sister really really wants children of her own (rather than just helping to look after his at weekends) and this has been an issue with them for a while.

They've got an appointment at an abortion clinic this afternoon and I'm worried he'll talk her into agreeing to an abortion even though its not what she really wants. She's terrified of him leaving her if she keeps the baby, but I said if he's the kind of person who would leave her for that he's not worth being with anyway.

I've had an abortion and I know its not the kind of thing to enter into if you're not 100% sure - I knew I was too young, couldn't offer a baby a stable home, not in a good relationship with partner at the time, etc and I still had problems dealing with it afterwards and have been through several counselling sessions to help me with the decision I made. I just don't want her to have the abortion knowing that she really wanted the baby and then have to live with that afterwards.

I know there's nothing I can do now - they're probably at the appointment now - I've said most of what I've written here to her on the phone so she went off having decided to keep the baby and confront her DP. I just hope he doesn't talk her out of it by threatening to leave her. Not sure what anyone else can say - I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

OP posts:
krang · 10/09/2007 20:06

Well, this is the first thread ever to have me in tears.

I think your sister may need you a lot in the future, iwouldgooutonight. I understand those who say they'd break off all contact but there is always someone in a family who has to pick up the pieces. In my family it's me.

I hope your sister doesn't end up going through with this.

expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 20:10

'While I still maintain that it doesn't actually make one a bad person to want a comfortable hedonistic lifestyle rather than parenthood, if that's what you want it's your responsiblity to make sure no unplanned pregnancies occur.'

Exactly, madamez! I couldn't agree more. If he truly didn't want any more kids then he should have had the snip (or if a woman felt the same way). I've got three close female friends who are childfree by choice and were sterilised by choice in their late 30s because they just didn't want to go there. They prefered a more carefree lifestyle and greater disposible income. Nothing wrong in there.

All their spouses were fully aware of how they felt. Two never wanted kids, either, and one had completed his family in his previous marriage.

madamez · 10/09/2007 20:18

Expat, I'd also add that if you think you don't want kids now but feel you might change your mind, it's still your responsiblity to use contraception and use it properly. I really do get the impression that the man in this scenario is the sort of muppet who leaves it all up to the woman because condoms 'spoil things'...

tribpot · 10/09/2007 20:52

I have to second pooka's point, about what this man is going to say to his existing kids, having announced the pregnancy to them. "Hey, she was pregnant but luckily for all of us, I forced her into an abortion, hello to an entire adulthood spent in therapy".

My god. I know it's easy for me to say because I can earn enough to support myself and I haven't been through some of the sh*t that other posters have been. Could anyone, really, contemplate this act in these circumstances? I'm not sure I would have felt that different prior to having ds and knowing what being 18 weeks pregnant is all about.

I'm absolutely pro-choice, but here I wonder who is choosing.

LadyTophamHatt · 10/09/2007 20:59

18 weeks??

isn't she feeling the baby moving?

How can she do this for such pathetic reasons??

Do you know what?
We have 4 children, Dh works his bollocks off for us, so that I can stay at home with the children, we have a comfortable life but we certainly aren't loaded. He's a brilliant dad and (although annoying at times) a pretty damn good husband too but if he ever gave me a ultimatum like your sisters DP I would leave him.
There would be NO question of having an abortion because it didn't fit in with our lives.

I hope to god you sister doesn't go through with it because it WILL destroy ther relationship, with a doubt it will destroy it and then she'll be left with nothing.

tribpot · 10/09/2007 21:06

LadyTH, with a first pregnancy you wouldn't necessarily feel movement at 18 weeks - I was at least 20 for example. But I certainly take your point. I didn't need to feel those first movements to truly 'know' I was pregnant.

I cannot imagine in what world, in what emotional landscape, this is the 'easier' option. In my antenatal club on MN, we had a lady who lost her baby at 16 weeks and we mourned that baby, she went through utter hell as a result. This is - unspeakable.

mrsdarcy · 10/09/2007 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tribpot · 10/09/2007 21:27

MrsD, I'm so very sorry for your loss

berolina · 10/09/2007 21:30

I'm sorry too, Mrsdarcy. This thread must be extremely upsetting for you.

My goodness, this is dreadful, utterly dreadful. I would be tempted to pitch up at hers and/or the clinic.

LadyTophamHatt · 10/09/2007 21:34

Mrsdarcy, your post has made me cry.

iwouldgoouttonight, tell your sister to read MrsDs post then MAKE her dp read it. Shove it down his throat if you have too...
Hopefully she won't go trhough with it, and hopefully he'll realise what a selfish, coldhearted wanker he is.

berolina · 10/09/2007 21:38

Oh MrsD

Hope you're OK.

LadyTophamHatt · 10/09/2007 21:40

MrsD...

tribpot · 10/09/2007 21:41

bero - I know this must strike a nerve with you too I'm not surprised MrsD has withdrawn her message, this is such a raw area. What can any of us say.

berolina · 10/09/2007 21:47

you're right, trib. When I had the big bleed at 17 weeks this time round I didn't know about the placenta and was certain it was yet another mc. I remember begging the doctor who examined me to let me give birth to the baby and not do a D&C.

tribpot · 10/09/2007 21:58

I remember the "bloody hell" bero, I just don't know what we can say here to be of any comfort to the OP. I think we know to a (wo)man what we think of a decision that we can't control, I am just gutted at a life wasted. There surely can't be a reason. I know I shouldn't post, because people must have been in the same situation for medical reasons but - Jesus Christ. I have never heard the like.

madamez · 10/09/2007 22:02

Sad though this particular story is, be wary of blanket condemnations of late abortion. There are times when it is necessary and it's never going to be a pleasant experience. But it's every woman's choice, her body her pregnancy her business.

However in this case I do get the impression that the woman in question is being severely and unduly pressured. It's very hard to start thinking of your pregnancy as a problem to be solved if you've spent any length of time thinking of it as a possible baby (when I was PG my son's father did suggest terminating. I told him to fuck off - and would add that he's now very glad of the fact, but the circumstances were very different).

EscapeFrom · 10/09/2007 22:02

Send her the pictures describing what an 18 week feotus is like. Make sure that when she makes her choice, it is her choice^.

FWIW, there is not a chance on Earth he will stay fertile. He will hotfoot it to the vasectomy clinic so fast!

If she says goodbye to this baby, she says goodbye to babies full stop. And to do that on the whim of someone else is a bleak thing to contemplate.

HansieMom · 10/09/2007 22:57

Oh, dear, no answer yet. I was out for a few hours and logged on to see what had happened. I have two sons. When I was first pregnant almost 40 years ago, all I had was a book that told what was happening with the baby's developnment. Now there is so much information available. When my DIL's were pregnant, I'd go to websites every few days to see what was happening with the baby at that time. I went to Barnes and Noble and browsed their pregnancy books, and bought one with remarkable and wondrous pictures of developing babies. When my second grandson was in utero, we had an ultrasound pic of him at five months (just a couple weeks further than your sister) and I kept that picture at my bedside until he was born. He was a real baby in that five months pregnant picture! I'd say good night to him every night. For each of my three grandsons' in-utero time, it was such a relief when they got to the viable stage of 25 weeks. I've always been pro choice as are so many others here, but to abort a healthy baby like this is unthinkable. Baby's father is an ass of the first degree.

MadLabOwner · 11/09/2007 08:35

I second EscapeFrom - I virtually guarantee this man will be at the vasectomy clinic within the month. Useless bullying git.

beller · 11/09/2007 09:57

Iwouldgoouttonight - I used to be like that too..Have always gone from one relationship to another...but this time I had to make a stand. Im 37 years old, do want children, so even the fact that im going to be a single mum (which scares the begeezes out of me), there was no way I could go through with it. I suppose I was lucky in a way, as when I took X out of the picture, the decision became easy. I would have only had a termination for him..how could I live with that? Plus what if i had never become pregnant again..how would I or your sister come to terms with that?
I have had phone calls from ex saying that i have trapped him (how..hes nowhere to be seen and i have asked for nothing?), but to me, like some others have said, at the age of 42, he was and is welcome to use any contraception he likes instead of blaming me!
I hope somehow your sister backs out of this, my thoughtd are with you xx

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 11/09/2007 10:27

Hi - sorry I didn't get a chance to check the thread again until now. MrsDarcy, your post has already been removed so I don't know what you wrote but I'm really sorry if this thread had upset you, or anyone else. It has helped me a lot to hear other people's thoughts and experiences and I really appreciate people being so open and honest.

I've been awake most of the night thinking about it. I just can't get my head around it - I have asked her if he's physically threatened her or anything but she says not. I have been trying to be supportive to her but last night I just got so angry and upset and told her exactly what I thought about what she was doing. I've told her what the foetus is like, how she'll feel after, how her DP will never want another, she definitely shouldn't marry him, how me and my DP have been in tears thinking about how selfish and unfair it is that they're thinking of terminating a perfectly healthy 18 week baby when other people are trying desperately to have one, etc, etc.

God knows what message it gives to his kids, especially his 12-year-old daughter, thats its fine to get pregnant and get rid of it whenever you fancy??! She already thinks you just take a pill and it goes away!

But she just seems totally in denial - she said she knows he probably still won't want any children after this but she hopes he changes his mind once they're married (he won't!), she knows she'll be devastated but she'll get over it, etc. If she KNOWS she'll be devastated why on earth is she going through with it??! However many times I've told her how horrible it is to have a termination she just doesn't seem to understand. I don't have a car and I'm at work so I can't get to the clinic to see her in time (its 1.5 hours drive from where I live). I just don't know what else I can do. She is just stupid and he is, well, I can't find the words to describe what I think of him.

I've not heard anything else this morning and no reply to texts so I'm assuming the worst.

The only way I can bear to think about it is that at least they're no bringing a child into the world who has to deal with that monster as a father.

OP posts:
LadyTophamHatt · 11/09/2007 11:21

What I just don't understand is how on earth shes going to be able to say she loves this man after the baby is gone?

WHY would she love him??

I feel sorry for your sister, I really do. She's going to left with nothing at all.

LadyTophamHatt · 11/09/2007 11:24

I just told Dh about this and his exact words were "What type of man is this...."

I urge your sister to think the same thing.

sfxmum · 11/09/2007 11:25

I am sorry this is happening but maybe it is best you just be there for her and help with the fall out without judging.
she will need you, your love and support and not I told you so.
you know it is not going to be pretty but we all make our own mistakes and really some compassion is needed for her in this situation situation

expatinscotland · 11/09/2007 11:29

Well, my sympathy for the sister is limited.

At the end of the day, she knows how wrong this feels, she knows how upsetting this is.

She's a grown woman with a good job and career. She's intelligent enough to realise this chap is never going to have kids with her. He's already told her that - over and over.

But she's willing to do this for some bloke.

At some point, no matter how bad it gets re: addition, abusive relationships, etc., there's a bottom line.

Poor baby. That's who I feel sorry for.