Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

[Spanglyprincess1]

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

once you were pregnant, you were stuck with him, so he could relax and be the real him, the one that has fucked up several other long term relationships. He didn't change, he just was the real him.

He'll go back to his parents. Until he can find another woman who's secure enough that he can have a decent standard of living without having to compromise on his hobby-job. He will never be truely independent as you were before you met him.

If you threw him out and no longer had to keep the large room for your DSDs, could you take in a lodger to make up the short fall in income for childcare etc?

We have a child

He has FOUR children and still hasn't grown up. Now he wants a bigger house for his other DC? Seriously, wise up. He's living in a fantasy land, with you as fairy godmother.

He sounds like a fun guy to date but not to marry or have kids with. Kick him out and have at most a friends with benefits and coparenting relationship.

I'd be cautious about a lodger with a young child. Silly but I would be.
My friends are mostly settled and stable. All have houses and or oartners/kids

As per the Maya Angelou quote, he has shown you who he is and continues to show you every day. Believe him!

He will not change because he doesn’t want to.

Do you pay business rates for council tax etc seeing as he runs his business from your house?

@FrogFairy He hasn't changed because the OP really hasn't asked him to or set out boundaries / listed her needs and wants. If she clearly states what she wants then he is refusing to change.

I haven't really seen anything anywhere in the OP's post where she tells him what she wants to change / ultimatums.

OP, in your first post you said He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. and yet he wants to buy a bigger house?
Time to bring out the famous mumsnet head tilt and tinkly laugh except upgrade them to full on belly laugh and tears of laughter with a side comment of “maybe when you get a job!”
I’d definitely start swapping ‘job’ with ‘hobby’ and if he disagrees, state factually when his hobby starts paying minimum wage per hour then he can call it a job.
Personally, reading this I can’t help but want you to kick him out so you 1) save money and 2) get some respite when baby sees dad. I wonder what your friends think of him and his hobbyiob?

Your mates all in settled happy marriages? Nope. It looks that way when you are younger. As the children get older you'll see some of those marriages ending. Don't stick with a shite man in a shite marriage because of what you think everyone else is doing.

If you demand it he can live elsewhere and still co-parent your child, and pay maintenance. If he's bothered.

Doesn't sound overly bothered about his other three to me. Ever seen him think about when they might need a dental check up then book it? Message them about something special he knew they would be doing that day? Taken them out with their best friends?

You got pregnant by mistake. You've got a lovely child, that's great. Shotgun marriages tend not to last, don't flog a dead horse: the horse won't trot and you'll exhaust yourself. Your child needs your energy both physical and mental, sounds like you are wasting energy on a proven loser of a partner.

Maybe you need to take the exes out for a coffee / wine.

@MrMagooo before the baby was born it was agreed that he would do his share of childcare/get a regular job. He backtracked on both of those.

@FrogFairy He did, but the OP caved in quite easily and let him get away with it. I understand she had a young baby but she continues to let him get away with stuff, which is why it is time for a series sir down and chat about expectations. When you have kids things need to run like a small business, so everyone knows what you are willing to put up with and what you both expect / can compromise. The OP sEems to be compromising a lot because that's what she has allowed to happen. She can give him an ultimatum to pull his socks up, then live with it or kick him out if he doesn't change. At least that way she won't have the frustrations of feeling like she is doing everything, she knows she has to do everything. Sometimes I find it easier when my partner isn't here, I know I need to do everything.