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Original poster

Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

187 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 05:53

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 07:01

Junebirthdaygirl - a sensible approach

OP posts:
category12 · 21/05/2019 07:05

You sound very sorted and capable.

He doesn't.

If he makes you happy, then grand, but if not, you've got to accept this is how he is. He's never going to have drive and ambition, he's never going to make sacrifices, he's going to whinge about paying perfectly normal bills and "adulting". You're going to lead the relationship and not have a partner who steps up equally. If that is okay with you, then no worries.

AloneLonelyLoner · 21/05/2019 07:14

Juts a thought, it can become a habit to complain and be negative and not realise you are doing it all the time or even realise you're complaining about things which are within your control.

You need to tell him, his life is within his control. Hand the baton back to him. You're his partner not his parent. Well done on being so strong and capable OP. After dealing with him you could become a life guru. Seriously.

barryfromclareisfit · 21/05/2019 07:14

I had a husband.
He said - and I think he believed - I was ‘taking all his money’.
That is, he had to pay bills and I was at home with the baby.
We split up. It was cheaper for him and I didn’t have to put up with his nonsense any more.

HelloYouTwo · 21/05/2019 07:19

So if he genuinely works a 60hr week then his hourly rate is around £3.85 - £4.25 depending on whether he takes holidays (but being self employed he may often carry on working on holiday depending on what he does). Can he not see that this is his problem. Not even earning min wage? He could have his hours and earn the same, be available for childcare etc. But no, it’s his hobby so he gets to do it. Has he ever asked you to support him or does he just take that for granted? It’s not like he’s a SAHM doing all the childcare and wife- work is it, he’s doing his hobby and you’re doing the heavy lifting. How long is that really sustainable? What about as the dc get older and costs go up? What about retirement - has he got a pension or is he relying on you for that too? What if you were ill and couldn’t work?

HelloYouTwo · 21/05/2019 07:20

Oh and how on earth does he support his other dc?!

Imnotbent · 21/05/2019 07:27

60 hours on minimum wage is £1746 a month net before pension costs so his self employment really isn't working is it? Employment would give him at least what he gets now, for half the hours.

If he was spending 60 hours building up a business that will have rich rewards then fair enough. Or if he was working those hours so that he could be flexible and provide full childcare and enable you to work reasonable hours then you would both benefit.

But he's not he's doing it to suit himself while you pick up the responsibility. Providing the actual home, working compressed hours, minimising his childcare, returning to work early...

Is he exhausted too, is he compromising at all? And then to moan about it, blame you and refuse to make it better? It doesn't look promising does it?

I think some people become used to being disappointed in a relationship and accept it as the norm. It wouldn't do for me but I agree with category12 if everything else is great and it suits you then so be it.

MN is here when you're fed up and need a moan Smile

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 07:27

There was another thread on that. He wouldn't dream of cutting the other three support it's over the cms calculation n pays for older ones expensive hobby. Fine if u have the money but if you don't then that's taking the mick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 07:29

I love him but his job is a big issue. Its the reason his last two relationships failed. So clearly I'm not alone... He said that not me

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 21/05/2019 07:32

OP, You sound really together financially etc, with a sound head on your shoulders. It very much does sound like he's taking you for a bit of a mug though.

My friends are like him - wanted to "live their dreams" by going self employed to earn money from their hobbies. They could've scraped by on their own, but decided to have children without any guarantee they would be able to up the income to match the cost of children. Subsequently, they are severely struggling and finally after a decade have realised they simply cannot support two children on hobby job income. He needs to grow up and realise he has a household to help support, not sponge off of.

Wildorchidz · 21/05/2019 07:32

How much maintenance does he pay for his older 3 children?

MrMagooo · 21/05/2019 07:34

He sounds a bit of a baby.

If he can earn more getting a steady job then he should. He can't have it all and it would piss me off. He needs to face reality. If he can get a mind till five without it costing an ATM and s leg in childcare then he should.

I'm also curious. Do you earn / have lots of money?

If my partner earned lots of money, I would be happy to stay at home, sort the house and kids out and look at that as my job until the kids were old enough to stay at home and take care of themselves in holidays.

He does sound a bit Whiney and he just needs to be told straight.

Ounce · 21/05/2019 07:35

He spends 60 hours a week... tatting ?!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 07:37

I earn and no not lots. I've saved hard. I'm on reasonable wage but under 35k.
We would be better off if he was a sahp. But he won't as that would stop maintenance to his older three, which I understand isn't fair.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 21/05/2019 07:37

So maybe your ds would get a fairer contribution through CMS, ‘more generous’ even as he is such a generous guy.

GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 07:38

He's a very selfish man and you're defending him.

He absolutely did see you coming , because without you he'd still be living with his parents or have to get a properly paid job to pay rent/a mortgage and also make his cs payments to his other children. YOU make his current lifestyle possible , you are not to blame for any issues he has.

You can do better.

Outanabout · 21/05/2019 07:40

Reading this is exhausting, so I can imagine what it's like dealing with him.

He has three children, so he SHOULD be supporting them and paying over the odds. The problem is not his children but that he wants a job connected to his hobby. Well, doesn't everyone? But everyone else has to work to support themselves. He's not supporting his children, you are.

I'm afraid that you'd find life easier on your own - it's wearing g to spend time coaxing and negotiating and trying to find ways to let someone else, an adult, see that they're being unreasonable.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 07:41

I should caveat I was on a higher slightly (not much), wage before getting pregnant but changed hours/responsibilities which was a paycut as the job was more suitable to fit round a baby. It was the right decision.

OP posts:
Imnotbent · 21/05/2019 07:49

@Spanglyprincess1

I love him but his job is a big issue. Its the reason his last two relationships failed. So clearly I'm not alone... He said that not me

So he has allowed two relationships to fail rather than step up and take responsibility, and he's not going to change to save a third relationship is he?

Sounds very selfish to me.

GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 07:50

So he's cross because you get paid less now? Is this his actual issue?

HelloYouTwo · 21/05/2019 07:54

He's not supporting his children, you are.

^
This.

Troels · 21/05/2019 07:55

Chances are he only has a job (related to hobby) because he wants to do the hobby full time and can't get anyone else to pay his way. 60 hours a week probably includes his hobby time.
He's moaning about costs even though there is no mortgage or car payment becase he's a massive man child and wanted you to earn more to cover all the bills so he can do his hobby.
Do you really want to spend the next 30 years supporting his hobby. He sounds like a big whining baby. I hope you bought the house in your name only.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 07:56

No he didn't know what I earned before and tbh I doubt he does now. Maybe that's the issue? Sess me as rich when I really am. Not!

OP posts:
Ruru8thestars · 21/05/2019 07:58

I think he’s a pisstaker but whatever floats your boat

Aussiebean · 21/05/2019 07:58

Whinge whinge whinge

‘Oh that sounds tough. I’m sure you will find a solution. What do you fancy for dinner?’

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