Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

[Spanglyprincess1]

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

You have yourself a cocklodger OP.

You house him, you subsidise him, you subsidise his CM, and he won't even pull his weight with childcare.

Yes he said do I have to I have a laod of work to do that I need to get done. I don't feel well and I'm tierd

What I mean by you needing him to be a completely different person, is that his core values don't match up with yours. He talks a good game, but his life goals are not the same as yours. He likes swanning about doing his fun job, he's not interested in making sacrifices or being a true partner.

And if you could get him to take on a 9-5 job, well, you think the moaning is bad now?! Your life wouldn't be worth living.

You want him to be someone he isn't, to want the same things you do and work towards them, like you do. You may love his charm and wit and looks etc, but you don't share values.

I second @TowelNumber42 and pretty much what everyone is saying.

It's a case of put up or shut up isn't it?

So...What are you going to do about it?

When he said "do I have to?", why didn't you say "Yes, you have to" and hand over the baby?

What a waste.

You own your own house and holiday home through hard work and saving, before you're 40. And this guy plays shop while you house, transport and pay holidays for his kids?

Do you honestly think this pathetic man is the best you can do?!

I also have to say, your thread title made me laugh. I've literally had delivery today of a sleep balm which I hope does make me exhausted enough to sleep all night

I had a difficult divorce, pre this relationship, and genuinely it caused a lot of damage I think towards the end. I am a people pleaser, unfortunately. So I work hard at boundaries. I clearly need to worker harder again and insist on keeping agreements. So that is what I will do.
He is very aware I'm unhappy and he needs to step up. So I'm going to let him get on with it eg no packing babies bag etc and insisting on some me time for exercise (god I miss exercise, which is. A bit sad)

Your totally right I should have handed over baby and said yes you do but I couldn't cope with the face and moan. I just was at the end of a tether at that point and it was easier to do it myself.

Overdrive - I'm honestly not perfect and. A bit of a pain in the arse sometimes but thank you for the nice comments.
It's just stuff the house thing, it's not what's most important. It just makes having time easier when your financially stable as you can have holidays and rest or do shorter hours etc.

Damaging yourself to avoid a face and a moan is no good, however, changing your own weird reactions to man-huff won't change overnight so don't beat yourself up if it is hard.

You might benefit from a short course of therapy like CBT to help you train yourself out of man-pleasing.

I love a bit of hypnotherapy to help me get over stresses and it's a lot cheaper than therapy (but obvs you'd get more out of therapy).

I've heard this self-hypnosis recording is rather good for people- pleasers (not something I suffer from myself so can't personally vouch for it though )

www.hypnosisdownloads.com/communication-skills/too-nice

I am in awe of you OP

Towel42 said it brilliantly. Reread that post and let each point sink in.

Only advice I can give is when he tries to get out of being an adult, don't let him. You'll know he's doing it if his phrasing makes him sound like a teenager.

Do I have to? Yes.

Also, when he's moaning, doing offer any solution or opinion. Push the responsibility straight back on him.

I can't do X because of Y. Oh, so what are you going to do about it?

Listen to his response, or not. If you do listen and he waffles on a bit, or pauses hoping you'll give a solution so he doesn't have to wear his brain out from thinking, just say... and?

In summary:
What are you going to do?
And?

If I were in your shoes I might consider giving the about approach 6 weeks. If I could see no improvement I'd be asking him to go back to his teenage life with his parents. Not sure if that would work for you, but something needs to change, because you'll lose yourself if you carry on as your are.

Good advice.
Change is hard but the good thing about having a baby is it makes you want to do the very best you can for them. If not for yourself.

Hi
I am sorry I did not have time to come back to the thread after I asked if you were the same poster as about the holidays.
There is a lot of good advice on here so I am not sure I can add much, but I wanted to say you have done really well for yourself to be in such a secure position after divorce (still paying for mine...).

However, I do think you are correct that your boundaries are porous (paraphrasing what you said). You have somehow managed to end up more or less supporting a man who already had three DC and does precious little to support a fourth and you. And yet, you were questioning if it was okay to go on holiday without him.

Why are you carrying him when the weight on your own shoulders is heavy enough? You say you have PND. I think a man who talks the talk when you are expecting but does not follow through with actions will not be helping that. The best thing you can do for yourself and baby is put look after yourself and put yourself first.

OP, you have to face the fact he won’t change, so you need to change YOUR mind set otherwise you’ll tie yourself in knots.

Accept it will always be this way, and if you want something, you’ll have to sort it. Like you’re doing at the moment with YOUR finances.

If he complains, simply tell him he has a choice. If he says you made him change his car, tell him ‘he has a choice’ if he moans about money, tell him ‘he has a choice’ that choice is to continue with his job, and have the lifestyle he’s got now, or get another job. Don’t tell him to do it, that’s on him. If he continues to whinge just ignore him, but stand firm. No more ‘helping him out’, make sure he does his fair share. Being tired, or needing to work is no longer a negotiation, he’s a father and partner, his child, you and the household chores are none negotiable.

My dh could earn 6 figures and has done, he now earns 30k a year. Which is fine, but he has to accept that with this decision comes consequences, such as no flash car or holiday. I used to get het up about it, but I now don’t bother. If I want a flash car, I work hard for it. If I want a nice holiday with the dc, I work for it. I just try and take the emotion out if how I react to him. I can’t ‘make’ him do anything. That’s his choice

Thanks everyone. Ye si had pnd or do still have, bit of a blurry line. Going back to work was a hard shock to the system as well after the baby. But I'm getting there. I did CBT a long time ago and the waiting lists are hideous but I could possibly afford to try private for a few sessions.
Thanks for the supportive comments. Nice to see the wood from the trees.

I was struck by the maths here and you thinking you would technically be worse off.
He gets room and board, childminding for his child for long and unsocial hrs (childminding for his other children, plus free and appropriate transportation?) and a place to run his business from for £400 / 500 a week !!!!!
You could rent a room out + bills in most parts of the country for more than that and actually still reduce your outgoings on top.

You could also rent a room out a reduced rate as it includes childminding,
Or even get an aupair, and share the cost of this with someone else in a similar position and every single time end up better off.
Or even just work our a reciprocal child care arrangement...which is not what you have right now!

I don't think you have added up how much he benefits from you
And the reality of his contribution and where that goes.

I'm more annoyed his eldest goes to high school end this year, different town to where the youngest are at primary. We live 45 min away (ex moved away not us).
He's worrying about how he can have baby to childcare and drop others at school.
I told him he and exw would need to resolve this as it was not my concern and I'm sure he would work something out. Our son has paid for childcare and he has to be there on time. This day is his responsibility to resolve not mine.
He can speak to ex, pay for a bus, pay more additional hours for our son due to this or whatever but he needs to resolve it as its his issue.
I got a blank look.
I wandered off to work.

Slightly proud of myself - even said I'm sure you will work it out hun.
While drinking coffee

Fantastic! I do hope that he steps up as it's clear that you cannot actually do any more than you already are without your physical/mental health suffering further.

Brilliant As another poster said; In this type of situation he is looking to you to say 'Okay. Maybe I can do something to help you out of your problems, so you don't have to deal with them'

It is hard, especially if you are a giving person but what happens which has happened to you is you are making all the sacrifices. I want to grab your husband and give him a shake.

I had a driend yeas ago that didn't work because he would only do a job he wanted to do and he basically lived rent free with a mate playing PlayStation all day. This was early 20's mind you.

So he has several months to figure out what to do, so let's see what happens but stick to your guns.

Very Well done

Is he for real? When I lived in a very economical little two bed bills came to just under £400 inc broadband and £8 on sky. You can’t run a house for less than that. Plus YOU bought the house so it’s mortgage and rent free. That’s an amazing position to be in and even more amazing when it’s someone else that did it for you.
He sounds like a man child, he wants to be babied.

Keep it up! continue on this theme and he may, just MAY start stepping up. It's clear he's used to offloading HIS mental load onto you. This has to stop.

Good on you