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Original poster

Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

187 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 05:53

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

OP posts:
jay55 · 21/05/2019 10:41

You're not expecting too much or asking for too much in a partner.
You are selling yourself short putting up with him.
You know this.
You're using so much energy defending him when you know you're in a shit situation.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 10:48

Baby's teething at mo so I'm knackered, which isnt helping tbh!
Ta everyone for being, for the majority, helpful

OP posts:
CalpolOnToast · 21/05/2019 10:49

Mine was doing that, I wonder if it's the same sport? World Champion is LT? He packed it in of his own accord with similar circumstances after it nearly wrecked us.

MrMagooo · 21/05/2019 11:13

How old are you / him.

If he worked more could he earn more money?

What do you pay for?

How much does he contribute with what he's got left?

You work and so does he but you earn more and do more of the childcare.

He really does sound like a bit of a man baby. I get frustrated when I hear stories like this. I just want to come around to yours and tell him to grow a pair and lay out all the things you are doing and the little he is and that while you are doing all the work he is just having a jolly.

Is he away on the weekends too?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 11:18

Away 12 - 15 weekends a year with work from. Friday to Monday. I take leave sometimes to do drop off for baby at childmonder if he's away.
Were 30's so not old but not young.
The 450 pays the household bills, insurances, TV etc etc.
We then pay our own car running costs, mobile phones, fuel etc from our own money.
I save. He doesn't.
That's it really.
He pays for his kids from. 1st marriage out of his money.
I pay for our joint baby, he obviously buys bbay food n nappies. But most toys and all clothes I buy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 11:20

I also have a holiday property I own jointly with siblings which I pay each month. Means we can always go away and works out way cheaper than holiday with 4 kids in school hols.

OP posts:
MrMagooo · 21/05/2019 11:44

I think he works too much for the money he earns.

I think he should be doing more child care because his work isn't paying enough.

He should stop moaning. He can't ask for more time working if he is not going to earn more

But. If he did go get a job, your childcare will probably go up.

I suppose a question therapists actually ask. If you could wave a magic wand what would the outcome that you wanted to see?

fedup21 · 21/05/2019 11:50

This didn't happen as he was panicking about it

Can you elaborate?!

If he doesn’t earn very much, it would make sense for him to do childcare.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 11:51

I'd like him to get a job 9-5 ish and we'd manage the childcare costs. This way we'd get evening and weekends as a family. We could share childcare on weekends and socialise. Or even if he worked weekends 9-5 we'd have the evenings to spend time together.
If he was paid regularly then he could meet his bills. As the money would be there and guaranteed rather than sparodic as it is now. The money sint massively the issue.
Its the money, moaning, lack of family time and support combination.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 11:53

Fwdup21. Yep panicking he wouldn't have time to do his work and worrying. Tbh it was a good call as baby loves his childminder and is happy there
He still has baby 2 days. Childcare 1 day and I do. Other 4. Plus all evenings till bedtime

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 21/05/2019 12:39

Cocklodger.

Please tell me you aren't married and he's not entitled to the house (and share in the holiday home) you bought.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 12:42

Already answered that one earlier, no not married and pre cohabitation assets are ringfneced in writing.

OP posts:
fghkhfdryjkv · 21/05/2019 12:44

Oh op. He is a prize twat.

Hearhere · 21/05/2019 12:45

So he deliberately clings onto this very low paying job
It's very useful to him this low paying job, he uses it as grounds to get away with everything he wants to
He's having a laugh at your expense isn't he

Moralitym1n1 · 21/05/2019 12:51

Already answered that one earlier, no not married and pre cohabitation assets are ringfneced in writing.

Sorry, skim read the thread.

Brilliant!

Moralitym1n1 · 21/05/2019 12:53

So he deliberately clings onto this very low paying job

It's his hobby really - he pretends his hobby is his job, but it isn't really.

He's just looking for someone to subsidise him while he does his hobby.

Hearhere · 21/05/2019 12:56

In that case I would start by always referring to his job as his hobby, and correcting him if he tries to pass it off as a job

FrogFairy · 21/05/2019 13:00

I think you have to accept that he is very unlikely to change, then think where you want your life to go from there.

You can continue as you are, subsidising his life and hobby while flogging yourself into the ground.

Or you can consider life without him bleeding you dry.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 13:02

The thing is I'd be worse off technically without him. As I'd have to cover all childcare rather than just 80% of it. Plus other costs.
But stress wise and house space wise it would be easier.

OP posts:
Hearhere · 21/05/2019 13:05

It isn't going to get any better and you will be constantly struggling with him to prevent it getting worse
If you keep him on you will have an uphill battle with him, because keeping him on is tantamount to giving him permission to exploit you
because he has your permission to exploit you he will continue to try and take more ground

GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 13:11

You may not be worse off without him op. Lower bills , less money on food , you'd also have cs from him plus you'd get some time to yourself/time to work when he sees your child. No doubt he'd move back in with his parents if you and he split up.

GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 13:14

Also , you may get some UC towards childcare as a single parent.

Mix56 · 21/05/2019 13:16

& you won't need the big car

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2019 13:16

No. You wouldn't have to cover all childcare because a. three of the kids are bloody HIS!!!! and b. he would have to contribute to childcare and everything else for HIS fourth child.

I would strongly, strongly suggest kicking him out, as everyone else is saying. Even if it is only temporary, in order to bring hom to him just how bloody cushy he has it!

Home provided.
Wraparound home-making provided (second adult, second car, cooking laundry bloody everything covered)
Some one else constantly picking up the pieces/bills/late stuff.

He really thinks he does most of the household stuff and childcare. It's insanity. Yes. So separate the households and let him EXPERIENCE what 'doing most of it' actually means.

Then you can really talk.
I think you'll very soon get used to not having him around though.

There is so much wrong here - so many things he clearly doesn't even factor in to your daily lives - for example, you don't need a six seater, do you? YOU bought one to facilitate HIS CHILDCARE RESPONSIBILITIES! So for example, you could sell that car and buy the car you'd need for you and the baby, lower fuel costs, etc. So many things like that - you say you'd need to be 100% responsbile if he went but factor in how much less you'd actually have to do...

Separate, if only to hold up a mirror so that he can see clearly. Get him out. Then give it six months and see if you love him and miss him, or whether you breathe a massive sigh of relief.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2019 13:20

Also - your list of who pays what, who does what... he's feckless. It stands out a MILE that he lived at home for free. He's a manchild, playing at his hobby job and moaning because boring drudge things keep getting in the way of him swanning around.

Do you REALLY want this particular man, out of all the ones out there? You sound forward-thinking, solvent, sensible, active. You could do so much better, plus in ten years he will just make you want to SCREAM.