Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

[Spanglyprincess1]

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

Why are some saying he'll never change. Some blame lies here with the OP because she too has allowed it to happen. Yes I'm an ideal world he would say that he'll so 50% and get a better job but he doesn't because his bread is buttered.

The OP needs to have a frank conversation with him. If he refuses to see the part he plays in all this and doesn't grow up then the OP has some tough choices to make.

Talk to him or put it all in an email and basically tell him things have to change. He's the one telling you how it is, now you need to tell him how it's going to be...

I should caveat I was on a higher slightly (not much), wage before getting pregnant but changed hours/responsibilities which was a paycut as the job was more suitable to fit round a baby. It was the right decision.

I wonder what would happen when he whines that he ‘shouldn’t have to’ compromise on the way he works and contributes to the family if you counter with ‘but I did?’

He’s being totally unreasonable. You have made compromises in your career, your car, your holidays for your own baby but also to accommodate him and his existing children. You take holiday to cover his childcare responsibilities for the ‘job’ he has that doesn’t cover his contribution to the family.

But he doesn’t feel he ‘should have to’ make any compromises to reflect his family responsibilities - whether through financial contribution or enabling your financial contribution through childcare.

@MrMagooo the reasons people are saying that he'll never change are related to his past. He's admitted that two relationships have failed due to his hobby related work. And when he wasn't in relationships he lived with his parents.

Aaah Yes. Well it's time to see if he will change for the OP.

Op, basically this boils down to, he'd be your perfect partner if he was a completely different person.

Well not really. He's funny, kind, interesting to talk to obviously I find him attractive. The job thing was a much smaller issue pre kids as it didn't have the impact it does now we have baby for obvious reasons.
I've changed my life to a coma date baby etc and it's reasonable to expect the same from baby's dad but from reading on here it seems common that men are les slikley to do that

The thing is I'd be worse off technically without him. As I'd have to cover all childcare rather than just 80% of it. Plus other costs.

No you wouldn't, the amount of housework, cooking and laundry drops dramatically without him. I was shocked the find this when Dh and I ended up in different countries for 6 month, even though I worked full time I spent more time relaxing with our son when Dad was away. The house stayed tidy, my food bill shrank and laundry load was about half.
I remember the other thread. He's a total cocklodger even if he does make you laugh and he's attractive to look at.

Oh and he's not kind, he's a taker. He just packages it well.

It sounds to me that, despite you arranging to share childcare equally, he essentially thinks his career is more important.

Therefore he assumes you should be picking up the slack.

I feel so sorry for you, you sound utterly exhausted.

This is not fair. It's not fair to go back on that arrangement and it's not fair to treat you and your career as less worthy than his.

On top of that, he then resents you for what? Finances being harder? Despite that being the usual thing that happens when a baby arrives?

He sounds like he's running you into the ground

It's normal isn't it? No money or time with a small baby. We'll until they get free 30 hours anyway.
I just assumed exhaustion money n holiday compromises etc was very normal. He doesn't like beach holidays. Neither to I. But 4 children under 12 do. Plus you can keep them busy for a few quid spent on footballs n crab lines etc

I think I'm just sad. Honestly he talks the talk, we discussed everything when I was pregnant. I've come up with compromises but getting nothing back

Eventually Op you will get sick of compromising and giving when all he does is take, take, take.

He will change or you will leave because noone can keep giving forever without getting something back.

So you say to him that this isn't working. You've made all the comprises and he hasn't even done the things he said he would, plus he just whinges about money. You can see why the job ended his previous relationships and you think this one is going the same way. He has four children and still hasn't accepted that his life needs to fit around their needs, not the other way round. Suggest counselling to facilitate a healthy breakup so that you can coparent on friendly terms.

Either it gives him a shock and a rethink of his priorities, or he really doesn't care about anything above his job and the break up as friends is your best option.

You are indirectly paying for his 3 other children too. In time and finances.

Your opening post is fascinating. You value his feelings far far more highly than your own. He's top dog. The boss. Even though I bet you both think you are the one in control.

It is OK for a man to be grumpy you know. You can let them be grumpy. Man with sad face isn't a reason to panic yourself and scrabble to do whatever will stop the sad face.

See, he talked the talk when you were pregnant. Then he realised he didn't like the reality of parenting and the uncomfortable choices normal people make when they become parents. You then made a schoolboy error. You treated his reaction as acceptable and took responsibility for fixing his discomfort. Your posts are full of your solutions for his situation, his moaning. He's a grown man FFS. Stop treating him like your idiot child.

Forget deciding which job he should get. Forget finding ways for him to stop moaning.

You know what you want. You want what was agreed. That is him doing more days of childcare and more evenings. Demand that. He will moan. Do not engage "you'll have to work something out".

He didn't engage with your complaints did he? He didn't take responsibility for your feelings did he? He prioritised his and you allowed it. Encouraged it in effect. His sad face is an exemption from adulthood. Your sad face is not worthy of acknowledgement.

He has left it to you to work something out for you, and what you chose was stupidly long hours, most of the childcare and paying his share of costs for him.

Stop prioritising his feelings. Allow him to feel shit. Allow him to feel the intense pressure to earn money. Allow him to suffer the natural consequences of being an adult and to find his own way to resolve the issues. Currently he resolves it by getting you to pay the bills and do most of the childcare. And how? By finding a woman that will pick up his slack when he has a whinge.

You'll never be able to lean on him so long as you are carrying him around on your back.

Your problem isn't him moaning about how uncomfortable the piggy back is. It's the piggy back. Drop him onto his own feet whether he likes it or not.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread but no one is going to validate his position. Yes money is tight with a baby, yes we are tired working and yes spending time together can be an effort. But we make that effort and your OH is not.

When I met my DH he had an ex wife and 3 DC's and paid £600 a month out of £1400 take home pay (it was many years ago) and contributed to our mortgage.

Then we had a child. The difference is that we worked and we saved so that I could have my full maternity leave. He did equal child care, including evenings, bed time and night waking. He did equal housework. He did not shirk any responsibilities.

I did subsidise him and indirectly his children, I paid for holidays for us and the DC's, contributed to school uniform and presents. He could not afford to do that without my wage. And rather than blame me for his situation he appreciated that I was doing this.

What do you get out of this? If you can't see a way out then it would seem he has already ground you down to the point where you make excuses for him. And you don't have the energy to fight it.

Have you wrote a list of time, money, effort and assets that each of you bring to the relationship. You know it will be massively unbalanced.

TowelNumber42 - Well written and spot on. We can totally see OP is prioritising this man's 'needs' over herself and HER actual needs.

Well its not even a career is it, its play time...
And you pay for his kids holidays, what kind of madness is this?
And living at home with his parents didn't even allow him to clear his debts because he has always lived above his means, because he doesn't have a bonafide job
He is a cocklodger & you need to give him an ultimatum now, because it will eat you up

Thks guys. I guess I wanted to know I wasn't mad. Sometimes when your in a situation you start wondering if your being unfair.
I had a horrific time with baby one weekend while he was working away as baby was teething and up constantly overnight. He came home and I would have expected him to feed and bath baby so I could have a break but he wanted to work and was busy. Then wondered why I was very annoyed.
I think that tbh is what prompted this post well that followed by moaning.
It's been a bit shitty with a teething baby and I did/do have pnd.

Try reading TowelNumber42's thread and process what she is saying.

Do you believe he can and will change for you? If not, are you willing to put up with his whining forever more? If not, then show him the door and let him off back to his parents.

he manages to be amusing and decorative because you OP are doing all the work, if he had to do a fair share of the load you'd see a different side to his character!

he wanted to work and was busy
busy in his case = busy doing nothing

and great post from TowelNumber42 :o

He might have been busy but this is never a reason to just ignore your partner and ignore them when they ask for help.

Did you ask him to feed and bath the baby?