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Original poster

Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

187 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 05:53

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

OP posts:
Outanabout · 21/05/2019 08:03

The nub of the matter is that he's had four children, but supports neither them nor himself. If he's on such low earnings he won't be contributing much to the older three's upkeep, no matter what he claims. He's living rent free.

I know from being in a situation just as frustrating, though in a different way, that it wears you out and makes you doubt your sanity when you're trying to reason with someone who can't be reaso ed with. Things as they are suit him, everyone else is picking up the slack so he play the pater familias while indulging his hobby and contributing nothing.

GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 08:04

Who knows op? I guess you just need to decide if this is the life that you want. It sounds like he's always had somebody subbing him and that person will be you as long you stay with him. Fwiw it sounds like he earns less than I did as a teaching assistant , and that job served a purpose , I worked a 35hr week and so was available evenings and during the holidays to look after my kids. His job doesn't really justify itself.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 08:06

I've said a teaching assistant or college would be ideal as he has a degree. It would mean he could do school holidays and earn enough. Wins all round

OP posts:
Mix56 · 21/05/2019 08:07

plus he well you repays his debts...... Super

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/05/2019 08:08

Excuse me a moment

WAKE UP

You have very clearly described a man who has never taken repsonsibility for his own life. You say he pays for his previous kids, but what you then outline shows that YOU DO. You huse him, you let him play at working, you let him absolve himself of the day to day repsonsibility of life nd he, in turn, plays at work and gives much of his money to his exes, which he can afford as you then pay for the rest of his life!

WAKE UP

You have clearly described a financial situation that means YOU are running yourself ragged to support yoruself, you child and this other person who seems to expect you to do much much more than he is willing to.

WAKE UP

You have clearly describes yoursefl as a woman who has sorted out her life, wrestled it into manageable lumps yet has somehow picked up a passenger along the way

Ask yourself a single question: is he a nett giver or taker in your relationship?

And then wonder if that is what you want, or deserve, for the rest of your life?

KTara · 21/05/2019 08:13

Are you the same poster who had the DP who was complaining about you taking your baby on holiday without him, but you had paid for a holiday for all of his DC?

elsabadogigante · 21/05/2019 08:14

What a loser. Your self-esteem must be in the toilet to have even given the time of day to this utter mooch. He's a douche canoe and a parasite with 4 kids. He's an expensive pet but if you want to keep him, carry on. A dog is cheaper.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 08:20

I'd love a dog when baby is older. Too risky now as he's poking.
Yes same poster as holiday one.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/05/2019 08:22

Oh! Are you?

Please take back your life! You can't carry on like that!

notapizzaeater · 21/05/2019 08:29

He's being ridiculous- I'm sure most of us would love to do our hobby as a job but unfortunately real life isn't always like that. So he's paying over the odds for his other children but not the same for yours. Get rid !

category12 · 21/05/2019 08:31

No offence, but you're the rhino and he's the bird.

Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 08:35

I love rhino's so no offence taken - saw them on safari. Ace.

OP posts:
MrMagooo · 21/05/2019 08:37

What everybody else says x 1000

I think I would be sitting down and telling the other person that this has to stop. He either gets a job or he takes on more of the responsibilities of the house and kids. He needs to face facts. His job isn't working and he needs to call it a day.

If I was working 60 hours a week and earning very little I would get to a point where 1)This isn't working and 2) I'm not working 60 hours for this tiny amount of money, it makes no sense.

What is this job/hobby? Sound like he is eating his cake and having it.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 08:43

It's far too outing. Selling items related to a sport is best way of discribing it. But means he gets to go and see the sport and travel and work closely with people in the sport.

OP posts:
Imnotbent · 21/05/2019 08:59

It's far too outing. Selling items related to a sport is best way of discribing it. But means he gets to go and see the sport and travel and work closely with people in the sport.

My friend does this, his hobby is golf, however he was properly self employed, worked very hard and is now MD of his golf shop, lives in a big house, drives a big car, lives the life of Riley but then so does his wife and children.

It really sounds as though your OH lives this life but without the family part. However you sound as though, apart from blaming you, you don't really mind.

Ruru8thestars · 21/05/2019 09:26

Well he sounds a prize twat who is coasting while you work your guts out. Depends if that’s what you want out of life.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 09:38

He isn't a prize twat he just is a bit selfish when it comes to this.
We did discuss him changing jobs when I got prganant and he said he would but then changed his mind. As it was his dream - I did roll my eyes.
The job is one of the only things we row about as its not just money, it's the blame, the lack of free time in evening or at weekends for family time. It's wearing

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 09:39

I do mind but you can't force someone to change and I'm not the kind of person who would. I want him to see it himself.

OP posts:
GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 09:47

Why would he change when work is such a jolly? He gets to watch his favourite sport , probably socialise with players and he gets to make a few quid while doing it.

All the while you house him , make all of the responsible decisions and look after his child. He also probably loves the status of being self employed.

GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 09:49

Ask yourself op , what would he do if you lost your job or were to sick to work? Could you rely on him to step up? Is he a true partner?

GlossyTaco · 21/05/2019 09:50

*too

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 10:23

Thanks everyone. I know I sount a bit soft but I've honestly tried to be fair to him and everyone, but seem to fail.
I want someone to lean on a bit, same as I want someone to feel they can lean on me a bit sometimes.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 21/05/2019 10:34

So you want to be fair.

Is he fair on you? Seriously. Has he been fair on you at all?

Is he taking any of the burden off you or is he adding to it?

Sounds like you think if you be fair to him, he will be fair on you.

It doesn’t work that way. He will treat you how he wants. Your decision is whether you want to be in this relationship as is.

HelloYouTwo · 21/05/2019 10:38

He’s leaning on you so hard he’s squashing you into the ground love.

Could you lean on him? Could you be aired to yourself? He’s not going to be fair any time soon is he? Out of his £1000 pcm earnings (is that gross?) what does he spend on his first 3 dc. What does he contribute to your joint dc? What’s left over? I don’t understand the maths. How can he be contributing to all of this fairly? He can’t be. YOU are enabling his ever-so-generous contributions to his dc. And getting none of the credit. How dare he whinge and whine at you?

HelloYouTwo · 21/05/2019 10:38

fair to yourself, not aired to yourself!

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