Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

[Spanglyprincess1]

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

Got a sorry for being a grump message. Fingers crossed!

Just to clarify he pays 450 and I pay the same. But this covers childcare bills as well as household bills and all insurances including illness/life insurance etc (expensive due to medical history). Plus anything spare is used for kids clothing/books etc.
This is for a three bed semi with a separate garage that double up as his office/workspace.

OP do you really have PND or do you have the overwhelming responsibility of the mental load, a house to run, someone elses kids to consider, a job to hold down and the underlying crushing feeling of realising you can't depend on your DP for an equal, supportive and loving partnership? Because that, that is soul destroying.

Men with 4 children to support dont have the option of doing their hobby as their job and earning peanuts.

Or rather they don't have the option unless they like off other people and don't fully meet their responsibilities.

Many of us would like to do our hobby as our job, but realise that it's not financially possible while pulling our weight. His "lack of realisation" about that is rather convenient.

• live off

Im going off health visitor etc. Partner does help with baby and tries. He does some housework but not the majority he thinks.
I'm getting less overwhelmed the more into a routine I get and older baby gets. But I can't cope with the additional stresses as I have too many plates to spin.
I sort all bills, paying, organising etc.

£450 is an absolute bargain for 1/2 Of all bills and office space too. He's a lucky man and it's about time he realised this.

Well done spangle ! That's an excellent start. I probably wouldn't have been able to avoid adding "... that is, if you're still living in my house", but hey-ho

I still can't wrap my head around one thing, and I beg you to consider it: how can a man have such a disjoint between fantasy and reality of a baby when he's had three children before yours? I truly believe you're trying to find excuses for him. Please stop that, for your own mental health.

My mother thinks he didn't do as much with the children as he said he did. He told me he was sahd for the first year with his kids.
I'm not sure now tbh.

I agree with a pp regarding PND. I had a hv and also a gp question if I had PND when my middle child was a baby. The reality of it was that I was coping just fine with a new baby , it was the constant effort of having to do everything at home plus pick up after an extra child (exh) that was leaving me drained. So much so that being a single parent was an absolute breeze in comparison to being married to him.

Well done OP.

You do what you have always done, and you will get what you’ve always got. Presumably he had no reason to look critically at these things before now, because someone else —you— facilitated it for him.

Now the sands are shifting slightly. He will probably feel disconcerted and may push back but stand firm.

Remember that you have tried to settle this (and many other things) reasonably and as you’d wish to be treated - but crucially he is not you and he hasn’t reacted like you would have reacted. It sounds like his default position is to look outwards rather than inwards when apportioning blame or tasks. Kind words and reasonable conversations haven’t worked, so maybe a more blunt and hands off approach will have the desired effect.

It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, it means you don’t like his behaviour. That can be changed.

Sounds like he gave you a big pile of bs about how he was with his kids when you first got together.

I do think he saw you coming. I seriously doubt he would be with someone as flaky and childish as he is. Only one child allowed per family and that is him!

I bet his exDW worked and did everything while he screwed around with his hobby until she was ground down and sick of it.

You keep defending him. The thing is you have made every sacrifice in this relationship. Everything. He has not done one damn thing to make your life easier.

I would actually lay down the law about the stupid hobby that doesn't pay anything. Tell him that you agreed with it at first because you thought he'd actually earn enough money with it but he misrepresented it to you. I'd give him 2 months to find a real job that pays enough to support 4 kids or he is out.

You may love him and think he is funny and attractive and all that but his actions say he doesn't really give a shit about you. Words and talk are cheap. He knows how to say charming things, but his actions don't match.

A man who truly loved you and his children would never behave so selfishly and let you shoulder everything.

If you've read my other threads I have kicked him out once we'll asked him to leave. But we resolved it due to baby.
He's very aware I'm not happy but seems at a loss as to why, which is odd.
He thinks this house is too small. I've told him he needs to make more. Money and contribute equally if we were to buy a bigger 4 bed home as I won't take the financial risk alone.
He mentioned again today about this. I'm a bit worried he thinks money grows on trees....

the response is, 'Mmm really, How are you going to make that happen ?'
Don't engage.

Or engage totally, tell him he isn't paying his share, particularly as he has 4 DC & You only have one, to get his act together, grow up & get a proper job.

Keep it up op and well done

You can’t change him, but you can change how YOU react to him.

I’m very much a people pleaser and fixer, it’s often difficult for me not to try and fix my dh issues. I’d sometimes drive myself round the bend or end up doing far too much, trying to help him. I frustrated myself some days. I now remember that actually, he is who he is, I can’t change that, but I can make MY life easier, by not stressing or trying to fix things, he, as an adult, should do.

It sounds as if he thinks you're minted op! Even if you were you have no obligation to 'keep' him and provide housing and transport for his other children.

He sounds more ridiculous post by post.

Re the house. He obviously thinks money grows out of your bank account. Next time he brings it up, I’d be tempted to reply with;

‘I’d love to move, having the extra bedrooms would be great’ ‘as I’m already paying % of the mortgage, let me know when you’ve earned enough to enable us to move and we can start looking’

He sounds more ridiculous post by post.

Indeed.

I think I need to explain how happy I am here to him. The house isn't perfect but it's perfect for baby. It's in catchment for very good village schools, which I've already registered him for and he starts pre school in2021. Wierd but I'm organised as places are in demand.
The childminder and my mom are less than a mile away and schools are too.
Bbay has smallest room currently. His two. Younger ones share a big double and his eldest has a daybed in dining room (not ideal but it one day a week most weeks, sometimes 3 if here on weekends).
The only reason we would need anywhere bigger if for his kids not for me. I hate Big houses, always have done. They cost a lot to heat and clean etc.
At a minimum we're here 5 plus years by which point his eldest will be going to university anyway.

He didn't change for his ex or his other kids - he's not going to change for you.
He knows exactly how to play you and you don't even see it!
He knows how to play 'dumb' and force you to keep explaining. doing all the running around.
He's going to grind you down over everything....e.g you've told him why you're unhappy and even offered suggestions to improve - and he's completely ignored them.
You left the ball in his court re managing his childcare responsibilities - and he looks at you 'blankly' like he doesn't posses the brain cells or IQ to understand what you mean.
He's not going to sort it and you will be landed in the shit on or near the time and you will sort it for him - because you'll have no other choice.

you seem determined to hang on to him for some reason.
i bet he's going to try and claim money from your house if/when you finally kick him out for good.

No, he does not think money grows on trees. He knows it does not. But he is deliberately setting the answer to your unhappiness beyond him. My ex did this! Every problem would be solved by a bigger house - never mind that good schools and childcare were right close by and I could manage my job without a lengthy commute, and what I really needed was him to roll up his sleeves and pitch in. No, he was not the problem, my perceptions were wrong, a bigger house would solve all the problems.

Who was going to do the work on the existing house to enable us to sell it? No concrete answer

Where was the money going to come from when he did not pay half of costs but I did? Ditto

When was this new house going to be bought? In fact, I am not sure the conversation lasted that long.

The house is not the problem. Do not get deflected into explaining why the house is not the issue. Waste of time and energy. Because then you are having an argument about a house and not how he is going to step up. Plus the house works for you and you like it. So do not let him devalue what you have worked for, and what works for you, by saying it is not good enough.

The cheek of the man!

Ditch this idiot he is a total waste of space.

I went and read through some of your previous threads about him and his behaviour towards you is appalling.

He is going to grind you down and bleed you dry.

I truly don't understand why you are with him?

We have a child.
His behaviour changed honestly it did when I was pregnant.
Is that normal?

He can try ref houses. It's legally secure in writing as mine solely and we're not married. Tbf his business etc is secured as solely his in same paperwork