Why do men cheat?

[birling]

If they're "happy"? First loves, intensive relationship, two children

Why cheat?

Fromablokespoint- you're probably right. But people are not perfect- cheaters and non cheaters alike.

People cheat because they are selfish, they have no morals and they don't care how much they hurt their OH.

I think it's perfectly possible to say you would never cheat. I know I never would because I think it is totally wrong. If you love and respect your OH you just would never cheat on them. If you don't love and respect them then you should not stay with them.

Thankfully DH feels as strongly as I do about infidelity

@ItsMeAnnie

You're right nobody is perfect. I have (rightly or wrongly) a very fixed view on fidelity. If you are in a long term relationship or marriage you do not cheat (interesting, the word "cheat" is universally accepted).
For me it's not about perfection, just a basic sense of decency. The fall out from what I have experienced myself and seen in many others is always huge.
Sorry to be blunt but you just need to sort your shit out, if you are not happy then go, life can be better, just do it with a bit of dignity and respect for everyone involved, especially yourself.

People cheat because they are selfish, they have no morals and they don't care how much they hurt their OH.

It feels more selfish to destroy my children's home and family unit because Mummy wants good sex and intimacy

I have morals, and understand I will be judged by most people for breaking the social norm

Hurt my OH? Maybe, and perhaps there is even a sense of payback.

No one cheats because everything was perfect in their marriage
I've tried to fix things

Exactly, VirtuallyConfused.

Virtuallyconfused and Annie I'm glad you've both posted, because I find the majority of MN think cheating is exclusive to men.

Virtuallyconfused, do you not feel guilty. Can you sleep at night? Not meaning to be nasty but I know I couldn't not that I would ever cheat. I just think it is so wrong.

No, I don't feel guilty.

I feel guilty sometimes about taking time away from my children but not DH.

Men are always excited with a fresh pair of legs, bearing in mind it's not always about love. It could be anything really, from boredom to seeking excitement...

The question is not why people cheat but why do they stay. People stay in unfulfilling relationships for very pragmatic, practical reasons usually to do with young children or money.

VirtuallyConfused

Why don’t you separate? Staying together for the sake of children is disastrous for them, they’re not stupid.

From the outside our relationship looks ok, there's just no affection or intimacy.

DH wants to, I no longer can.

But we get on well as friends

And he’s happy that you’re sleeping with someone else?

Put your children first and go your separate ways.

I had an ex who cheated on me with the same girl on and off for 5 years (Depending on whether she was she was single or not). He used to date this girl before we got together.

How do you explain this behaviour? She wasn’t new

Puzzles me

I've met a lot of married men who are looking to cheat, mostly due to lack of intimacy

But some have said they had mistresses who were dating and then married other guys, while carrying on an affair.

Not sure understand that?

Joining this late but as another woman who cheated on a couple of partners there are different reasons. Mostly because they weren’t giving me what I needed either physically or emotionally yet I wasn’t in a position to leave them. Expect most men are the same.

I would never cheat but I know I could not live with the guilt. I once lied to DH about how much an item of clothing cost and then could not sleep. I had to tell him.

But some have said they had mistresses who were dating and then married other guys, while carrying on an affair.

Unless they are 19th century aristocrats, they didn't have 'mistresses', they had side pieces, ie women who are free to do what they want, including being with several men, at least one of whom is deceiving his wife.

@VirtuallyConfused @ItsMeAnnie

I came close to having a physical affair and am still close friends with that married man. I’m not judging anyone my own marriage is floundering and my DH is quite cold and lacking in emotion.

I honestly believe though that in the long term you are damaging your children, by staying in an unhappy marriage and by sleeping with other men. Once your affairs are discovered (and eventually they will be) your children will find out and it will impact their whole adult lives.

If you separate you can both be free to meet new people, men who love you and you’ll get that genuine intimacy with... you may even still be friends with your husbands and have a better parent/child/family unit relationship.

I’m currently having counselling and my counsellor recommended I read “Women who love too much”. I think you’d both benefit from reading it. I know I have!

I hate the word ‘intimacy’ , let’s face it most men using that mean they want more sex , whereas I genuinely think more women mean a stronger emotional tie, I realise that is stereotyping but I’ve met very few men who would use that expression and not mean sex .

Yep. Intimacy for them means a wet hole.

Virtually, why not have an open marriage?
Or do you suspect he is also seeing someone else?

Completely agree user - the type of men who cheat on their partners are the same men who studiously avoid any meaningful emotional interaction (aka real intimacy) with said partner prior to cheating

Because they can and they are so cock sure they can get away with it. I think most will chance it if they think they can get away with it.

Didnt Bill Clinton once say when asked about why he had sexual liasions with Monica something along the lines of.... because I could