Why do men cheat?

[birling]

If they're "happy"? First loves, intensive relationship, two children

Why cheat?

Itsme, yes that is the high that goes with affairs, like I said earlier, you like to have your cake and eat it, and it seems an ego booster for you. Also, its the excitement and the carefree side that comes with a solid relationship that you don't have to worry about with him.

You know that you may be able to carry this on for now.

But at some point you will have to make a decision.

Isthismylifenow- I know. Sometimes I think about the way this will end and I don't like what I see. When it started it was all instigated and maintained by OM- he made the first move, initiated messages etc. Now I'm hooked. But I'm so much happier in my everyday life. I can see all the reasons I'm doing it, and all the reasons OM is doing it. Some of the reasons are the same for both of us, others aren't. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

This is the old stereotype, but I don't believe it's true.

I'm afraid in my experience it is. And if you get a woman who cheats primarily for sex (and she's not being rejected by her main partner for one reason of another), it often seems to be a 'male end of the spectrum-brained woman' .. who compartmentalise and aren't very "emotional", empathetic, quite ruthlesd etc.

• ruthless

I should reiterate, that's not saying it's natural for men to cheat and not women, just that cheating women tend not to cheat primarily for sex ime.

Name changed for this. I'm divorced and am having an affair with a MM. He lives a long way away but is here on contract during the week. He will never leave his wife and I don't want him to, as I am looking for a long-term partner via OLD. Like itsme though the connection between us is fantastic.

I've talked to him endlessly about why he is doing this:
-he can
-he wants regular sex
-he doesn't fancy his wife
-he 'settled' for the second woman he ever slept with so wants to explore (I'm quite adventurous sexually)
-he desperately wants to be both wanted and needed.

What shocks me in his reasoning is that he was genuinely surprised when I said 'what about the promise you made her?'. He hadn't thought about it! Because of the promise I made when I married, I waited until my decree absolute to seek a new sexual partner. Because to me a promise is a promise. Whether that is a man/woman thing or just a people thing, I don't know.

morality it wasn't a serious question.
Men and women cheat for exactly the same reasons. There is no point asking why 'men' cheat. It's why do people cheat.

I fully understood the point you were making, but didn't entirely agree; hence I listed some of the main reasons women appear to cheat ime.

Women and men have commonalities (and they all vary of course) but in a broad sweeping way; they have different sexualities and different evolutionary 'wiring', and I don't think that can be dismissed as irrelevant.

What shocks me in his reasoning is that he was genuinely surprised when I said 'what about the promise you made her?'. He hadn't thought about it!

I suppose that's one of the traits/reasons both men and women who cheat have in common - a lack of integrity.

Nocountry.. don't you think you can do better than someone so disloyal? Saying his wife is unfanciable and implying she's shit in bed.

Tbh that's worse than betraying her by fucking you.

I'm afraid in my experience it is.

But presumably your 'experience' is based on what people tell you (I'm assuming you haven't cheated yourself?) And because of the stereotypes advanced by your posts and elsewhere, it's much more acceptable for women to say they cheat because they're 'looking for love' instead of saying that they want a shag with someone new and exciting. Doesn't mean those are the actual reasons.

And if you get a woman who cheats primarily for sex (and she's not being rejected by her main partner for one reason of another), it often seems to be a 'male end of the spectrum-brained woman' .. who compartmentalise and aren't very "emotional", empathetic, quite ruthlesd etc.

I think talking of "male brain spectrums' is psycho babble, mostly intended to perpetuate sexist norms. Not saying that's what your'e doing, but it is very often the end result.

But presumably your 'experience' is based on what people tell you (I'm assuming you haven't cheated yourself?)

No, I have cheated myself. And my experience is not what people have told me; going by what people say about why they do things would have one of the most naive things you could do in life. Their motivations and feelings become rather obvious from listening to what they say (not the reasons they give) and what they do.

No, I have cheated myself.

So then your experience is yours alone, it cannot be assumed to apply to all women.

From experience both of our relationships were over. But neither of us had had the courage to end or thought we had to "nuke" them to be free. We were both very lucky we met, neither of us has ever been this happy with anyone else.

I think talking of "male brain spectrums' is psycho babble

Research would say otherwise.
It only perpetuates sexist norms if people are too binary and simple in their thinking to realise that it is a spectrum, on which people could fall anywhere (bit at either end will be populated by men and women with a minority of outliers) and most importantly that the differences are relatively minor.
However I suppose since one of the UK's biggest selling newspapers is the Sun, discussing it at all and expecting people not to use it to perpetuate sexist norms is futile.

So then your experience is yours alone, it cannot be assumed to apply to all women.

I see you just conveniently ignored the entire rest of my post there - about my observation big the motivations and feelings of all the people I've known who've cheated.

rivers yes I know I can do much better, that's why I'm looking on OLD. MM knows this. He's never said that she's unfanciable, but that he as an individual doesn't fancy her any more. In the same way, for him she is shit in bed, but that may also apply to her re him. He's told me that they don't have sex any more and that she is also playing away, but I have no way of knowing if either of those things are true. Basically it seems they have a good partnership financially and in relation to their DC, they both work hard for their family but the relationship between them has broken down. He knows that, I'm not sure she does.

Also not sure if all that helps the OP, but the 'first loves' point resonated with me - sometimes, by no means always, choosing the first love and not having wider sexual experience early on produces problems down the line. Pretty sure that's why my XH broke in the end!

Research would say otherwise.

No it doesn't.

The latest research suggests that there are actually very few inherent differences between the brains of newborn boys and girls.

It only perpetuates sexist norms if people are too binary and simple in their thinking to realise that it is a spectrum, on which people could fall anywhere (bit at either end will be populated by men and women with a minority of outliers) and most importantly that the differences are relatively minor.

Again, that's psychobabble. Brains don't exist on a 'spectrum', though I know everything these days has to be on a 'spectrum'.

I see you just conveniently ignored the entire rest of my post there - about my observation big the motivations and feelings of all the people I've known who've cheated.

I haven't 'ignored' it. Those are just your own 'observations', and because you say you've cheated yourself, you might well prefer to believe that women cheat for less 'sordid' reasons then men, ie, not just wanting a shag with a fresh piece, but wanting love and attention and all that cuddly stuff.

Some men cheat because they want sex and nothing else. So do some women. Some women cheat because they feel neglected. So do some men. I don't think we can put this on 'spectrums' and say men do this and women do that.

What we can say, however, is that men and women who cheat are being horribly selfish and lacking in respect towards their partner. Whatever their assumed motivations.

*No it doesn't.

The latest research suggests that there are actually very few inherent differences between the brains of newborn boys and girls.*

Which 'latest research'?
There's a huge amount of research to the contrary. It's an ongoing debate. A few second Google shows that.

A few second Google shows that.

Oh, well that settles it!

Those are just your own 'observations'

As are your observations and opinions!!

Because they are selfish misogynistic dickheads and the patriarchal setup of our society supports it.

Oh, well that settles it!

Are you being deliberately obtuse are you just obtuse?

You said 'latest research' - I said there's plenty of research to the contrary. The easiest and best place to see it is online. I'm not searching and listing a hundred articles/studies on here for you.

Wow... I've lost count of the number of outdate, sexist, misogynistic stereotypes you've trotted out morality

I'd love to see some actual, credible research for what you're suggesting.