'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

[ImMelanieNotScarlett]

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

Move to London. So much as leave the house and someone will hit on you.

I haven’t read all of the comments..

However, I am much like you, I am 31 now and love to bake, stay home and read watch tv and do a bunch of nothing, I’m not a person that goes out a lot... I don’t have many friends.. I was on badoo for a little while which didn’t work out, dated a guy I met there for 2 months but it was non exclusive and he was also seeing someone else and decided to go exclusive with her... someone recommended plenty of fish and met my partner on there 11 months ago and we’ve moved in super fast we were both ready for more then casual dating and so our relationship progressed really fast, moved in together after 2 months and are expecting our first child together in August..

Be yourself and don’t change anything about you.. the right man will come along one way or another.

@bogglesgoggles I lived in London for a year and I must’ve been the ugly one because I didn’t have a single date while there.. and I was available and on the market for it...

I do hope you aren't a journalist. If you are, please don't print my pm. I like my life as it is!

The bread making course suggestion is genius. There’ll be loads of men!

Homebird friends of mine met their husbands through:

Ceroc classes
Singles walking holiday
eHarmony
Guardian Soulmates

I can remember being your age and single and it can be horribly depressing. But life can turn on a sixpence - you never know who is literally round the next corner. Don’t despair.

I haven’t RTFT (apologies) but I think you sound bloody great!!!!

I didn’t meet my DH until my 30s and although I had had relationships before then, they had ALL - I repeat, ALL - been miserable because I wasn’t really able to me myself (I’m a home bird too, and I was always trying to be more outgoing, throw parties etc - it was shite and I hated it and I was miserable).

It’s a cliche, but it’s true, that you have to love yourself first before you’ll find the right person who loves you ‘right’.

You sound absolutely fab and if you were my friend I’d be bloody well telling you so xxxxxx

YY to dance classes where men would be there, so salsa, ceroc etc.

Go on Twitter and check out local charities that fit with your values where there may be men. So e.g. Environmental, soup kitchens, sustainable food projects

Amateur dramatics

And/or just widen your social circle generally, arrange funky little dinner parties and ask people to bring their friends.

Tennis clubs also sound hugely sociable IME!

I think you sound wonderful btw!

Mainly just do things you may well enjoy that have a reasonable chance of men being there.

Stop trying to find a boyfriend and focus on doing things you enjoy, maybe joining some regular clubs or activities, join friends for drinks etc. You'll meet somebody eventually.

You sound like me. I was always the 'mother' of the group. I spent years on OLD with one or two dates here and there but nothing serious. I had just about given up but then started talking to a guy who is now my fiancé. Don't worry. There will be someone out there for you.

This is going to sound horrible but you sound dull to me but that is because we are different I am genuinely into skiing hiking climbing riding etc. Yes you can find men that way but it won't work either you lie and pretend to be into say climbing and then you have to a admit you aren't or they think they can be out all weekend and you will do all house stuff.

This is so shallow but online dating as a whole is. I know when I started really getting into makeup (watching lots of tutorials) I made myself look wayyy better and it’s like an art where you can make yourself look twice as attractive.

Again it’s super shallow but a lot of first impressions are about looks and doing makeup very very well is a big advantage.

Read the first two pages then skipped to end, but it sounds like you are doing yourself down as boring. If you were in London with those outfits and hobbies you’d probably be a massive hipster and be in the Shoreditch WI and be a trendsetter.

I used to sit in the achingly cool pub in dalston and knit .

These are great interesting hobbies!

Don’t rule out older men. They can be calmer and more appreciative of your skills. May be worth a look at MuddyMatches?

OP, dogs are people magnets and great icebreakers so (your cat will hate me for this, sorry DPuss) maybe you could borrow a friend's dog and spend some time sipping your beverage of choice at a cafe or perched on a park bench somewhere :)

I listened to a podcast where this woman experimented with her online profile . Instead of doing the ‘ look at me, I’m sexy and attractive ‘ She showed her real self - a photo of herself with her cat and she got a couple of nice messages from cat lovers . Another photo showed she was into cooking and a bit of a foodie and the same. You don’t need to appeal to all men just the niche you’re interested in. There are all kinds of men out there , you just need to avoid the ones with no interests but going to bars. I think be yourself more rather than trying to look like ‘ generic girlfriend image ‘

If a male person used the phrase in the thread title, it would be immediately recognised as sexist bullshit. The fact it came from a female friend doesn't stop it from being sexist, just makes it less obvious.

Do not change yourself. There is no point attracting a mate who is attracted to a fake version of you.

Stop OLD and stop trying to find a man at all. Focus on finding some new good female friends who know and understand you, share some of your interests, and don't tell you sexist bollocks like the thread title. One of these new friends will turn out to have a brother, or their boyfriend's brother, or their best friend's brother, or the best mate of one of the above, who happens to be single and is just right for you. It will happen.

Don’t panic you still have plenty of time even tho it prob doesn’t feel like that to you. It will happen you will meet someone. Do you ‘doll’ yourself up more for dating sites? Personally I would say NO but you could try it if you feel like it.

Things that have helped friends of mine.

Read the book 'Attached' to help you reconsider your approach to dating. It's cheaper than therapy. www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139

Do a paid online dating thing if you want to continue that. Guardian Soulmates or the Christian Fusion101 somebody mentioned upthread.

Get political. Not necessarily party politics, but a campaign. Most environmentalists are pretty young.

Mine your acquaintances. Can you see any as potential dates?

Get a life. Accept invitations to see friends and make sure you make time to see them. This will make you a more attractive prospect to future partners than some twee make over.

Get rid of the friend who said you were 'a wife not a girlfriend'. You don't need naff Cosmo-style advice now.

Sorry you feeling left out it’s horribke when feels everyone settling down around you. Your time will come just believe. I would suggest that you look at solo holidays and weekends as more time to get to know someone or make other friends. You are a teacher so lots of holidays. Maybe go to Bucharest they have a cat cafe my daughter had an amazing time there. Just choose something outside of comfort zone after all it doesn’t matter if your dream man likes knitting he should have his own hobbies. You like to cook offer to volunteer sandwiches at charity cricket match or some mans type club whee they be grateful for your skills. Decades ago a lovely electrician very introvert took recommendation of my dad to join a amateur dramatic society and did the stage lighting for them. He at his wife they are opposites been together for years.
Failing that ask your class to keep look out
Good luck xxxx

Maybe pen pal one of the army soldiers ? X

Are you me OP?
I’m 28 and a teacher and am also eternally single. Much like you, not into the whole clubbing scene. Do have a second job at a restaurant but not met anyone through that either. Any experiences I’ve had with men have been pretty horrendous so far to be honest. All I want is to be a mum and it doesn’t feel like too much to ask for because everyone else seems to manage to find a man ok but I seem to repel them? It’s like I’m either invisible or so hideously unattractive that no one would ever be interested. (I also have terribly low self esteem) Oh and I’m in rural North Wales where there are very few men!

Often cry because I’m just so lonely. Would love to meet someone but don’t think it’s ever going to happen!