Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

196 replies

ImMelanieNotScarlett · 19/05/2019 15:06

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

OP posts:
SherlockHolmes · 19/05/2019 18:44

Try the Meetup app. It's a way to meet new friends (not dating). They offer all sorts of things like 20s age group meetings, going on walks, theatre trips pub quizzes etc. A great way to meet new friends.

yabadabadontdoit · 19/05/2019 18:45

My brother met his wife through a singles meet up for activities group, I think it’s Spice? They met on a walking day. Much more natural than OLD even though everyone there is looking for at least friends if not a partner. Might be more your thing?

1tisILeClerc · 19/05/2019 18:45

Well I'm available, sort of house trained and whatever.
Not been on a 'date' for 30 years and the idea worries me.
Looking for 'girl' in big jumper (cardigan is fine), jeans and no makeup.
Into doing things that are interesting and traveling.
OK this isn't a dating website but I feel you 'girls' need to get confident and do things. The world is a big place and you only get one chance to live.

NoNameIdeas · 19/05/2019 18:52

You sound like you're describing younger me!
I joined match after turning 30 but otherwise job, interests etc all the same. When on one date with one guy...we've been married for 3.5 years a have a 2.5 year old now. Best advice I have is to be honest about who you are and what you like, don't pretend you want to be out partying every night.

Original poster
ImMelanieNotScarlett · 19/05/2019 19:06

My biggest dream is to be a mum, tbh. I don't care about seeing Australia or sky diving.

Running or rock climbing will not make me happy or confident! I think I will need to change my search tactics.

I have read every response and I am grateful for them. Just need to work out the way forward.

OP posts:
1tisILeClerc · 19/05/2019 19:16

Being a mum and seeing Australia aren't mutually exclusive, Be positive, think big!

Dumplingfan · 19/05/2019 19:20

Already been mentioned but the Meetup app would definitely be worth a go

Vesper8 · 19/05/2019 19:25

Hi OP! My advice would be to try other dating sites which are less about short messages and more about getting to know each other from the start. I found on sites like Plenty of Fish, people were much more chatty and real dates came from them! You can also see how much people have written on their profiles beforehand and it will give you an indication of whether you've got things in common. Good luck:)

RuffleCrow · 19/05/2019 19:25

I'm not sure what your friend thinks magically happens to girlfriends after they get married? Do we all exchange our girlfriend personalities for wife ones?! Dammit i'm divorced now, I want my old one back! Grin

The truth is you haven't met a suitable man. You are great just the way you are

RottnestFerry · 19/05/2019 19:29

Not sure if this helps but you sound just what I was looking for when I was in my 20s, especially the cat thing. In my 40s I met my now wife. She was bit of a frump, to be honest. Shapeless floral dresses, venture scouts, rambling and narrow boat holidays etc. Once we got together, she gained loads of confidence and became quite extrovert. The shapeless floral dresses are long gone.

We visit Australia regularly. Sky diving... no way!

Beautiful3 · 19/05/2019 19:30

Please dont change yourself as you'll only attract men not on your wave length. Be yourself, keep going out to social events. You will meet someone absolutely perfect for you.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 19/05/2019 19:30

Spice is a great shout! You'll only meet other women on MeetUp, but Spice is full of blokes.

www.spiceuk.com/eventsholidays?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

woodcutbirds · 19/05/2019 19:32

I was on a train the other day and got chatting to five men who were all off on a rambling holiday together. They were so sweet and wholesome and friendly and lovely and happy and polite (and tanned and fit). Made me think if I were single I'd join loads of walking clubs.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 19/05/2019 19:34

The brackets here really made me laugh!

They were so sweet and wholesome and friendly and lovely and happy and polite (and tanned and fit).

youkiddingme · 19/05/2019 19:36

You sound lovely. My DD is a home-bird who loves to knit and crochet. (She is also a wheel-chair user which could easily put some men off) but she met a lovely man on Bumble who is now her BF. And he told me 'I saw a picture of your daughter in her lion hat (that she had knitted) and I thought, I like a girl with a lion hat!...'
So my advice is try bumble (much less about sex meet ups than tinder according to my dd) and put on a pic that shoes you exactly as you really are and wait for someone who will love exactly that. xxxx

youkiddingme · 19/05/2019 19:37

shows not shoes!

riotlady · 19/05/2019 19:43

Have you tried okcupid? It’s younger leaning than match but more personality focussed than tinder, I think you’d find more of your type there. I was on it when I was single a couple of years ago and met some nice people

Mymessymind · 19/05/2019 19:48

I know someone who deliberately signed up to a sailing course to meet a man - and she did! He’s lovely too (and rich as it attracts a certain type.) I wouldn’t call her twee but she was not the type to go clubbing so was never likely to meet a man on a night out.

I also know someone who met a man at a bus stop and they married within the year.

I don’t know why I’m giving advice as I don’t have much luck myself but I did meet a man in Tesco and he followed me out with his trolley and we swapped numbers. Moral of the story - be open to meeting someone anywhere any time.

Original poster
ImMelanieNotScarlett · 19/05/2019 19:53

I think I may try Bumble.

OP posts:
dandelionandmurdoch · 19/05/2019 19:56

I'm a similar age to you OP and have been single for about 4 years. I can honestly say that I used to hate it, but in the last year or so I have come to love it. Some advice:

  • being single isn't a disease and it doesn't mean you have a defect - it just means you haven't met someone right for you - be that their personality, compatibility or the situation. There is NOTHING wrong with you. My life got a lot better after I started ignoring people who made me feel that there was.
  • Tinder is fun if you use it for the intention which is to meet people. Take the pressure off yourself and them and you will have much more fun. I've been on lots and lots of dates with a whole host of men I would never have otherwise met and my friends are quite jealous. If nothing else it's opened my eyes to all sorts of different people, backgrounds, occupations and I've genuinely met good friends through it.
  • be honest about the men you swipe and the men attracted to you. I have a friend who gets upset with her lack of matches but she is very quirky and always swipes for very groomed, player types. I'm a bit quirky and have learnt to spot a guy who will be into me.
  • you don't need to change who you are but you may want to widen your interests. Do you do a sport? I run a lot and it always resonates with men.

Above all, please stop panicking. You could meet the one tomorrow and start wishing for all the freedoms you had when you were single! Make the most of it.

overdrive · 19/05/2019 20:14

Tempted to join a rock climbing club now!

SonataDentata · 19/05/2019 20:22

I agree with trying OKCupid - I’ve had some interesting and deep conversations on there. It also, frankly, has a lot of people on it, which isn’t the case for every dating website!

I would try to take the “wife” comment as a compliment. You do sound pretty bloody fantastic. I’m a similar age to you and also struggling to find someone; I suspect my friends would put me on the “girlfriend” side which, believe me, is no fun either. I feel like most men see me as a bit of fun rather than a serious relationship.

waterrat · 19/05/2019 20:26

Op you have my huge sympathies. I am 41 now and happily married with kids but I was also 28 once and crying into my pillow with loneliness and sadness. I thought there was nobody out there for me

I think - and this is based on a lot of experience - that it is always worth pushing your own personal boundaries and trying new things if you want change in your life.

I really don't think a primary school teacher should give up their free time to volunteer at scouts !!

Think of a list of ways you could make new friends of similar age to you - even wacky ideas - enlist friends as well and tell them you want to try new things and go to New places.

You will benefit from meeting new people of both sexes because it will widen you social circle. Be brave be bold and get out of the house.....I promise you can make big changes. You have a long life to be a home bird but for now you need to get out into the world.

waterrat · 19/05/2019 20:28

And btw I met my soul mate and love of my life outside a pub near work when I was just about to turn 31.

Michaelbaubles · 19/05/2019 20:30

OP do you use Twitter? There’s a really active education community on there and there’s always discussions etc going on. Find a few people whose educational philosophy you like, follow them, follow commenters that you like, and you’re bound to come across some nice young men! I don’t suggest doing it explicitly for dating purposes, but I’d think it’s a good way to make like-minded friends and get to know people - and there are quite a few RL meet ups and CPD things where you’d meet people too and it’d benefit your work.