'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

[ImMelanieNotScarlett]

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

There's nothing wrong with you OP. There is someone out there for everyone!

Personally I met my husband on OKCupid. I messaged him first... From the States. We talked on Skype for 2 years before I flew out to the UK for a holiday. 2 months later we were married and 5 years later we are still married but have children as well now.

I feel like you need to be the one reaching out to guys. Be very honest with your profile and feel people out online first. You can kind of tell what kind of guy the guy is when you message them, stay far far away from anyone that sends you pics of their you-know-what or gets hyper sexual in their early messages.

Message guys that take the time to fill out a profile thoroughly. You'll need to find someone who is a bit quirky and not just looking for the closest/hottest girl they can have sex with immediately. Try to avoid narcissistic guys. I really feel this is not a problem with you but a good % of our generation of guys is out there just to exploit women for sex so it's a tough search for most women these days, but when you find that guy it will be so worth it. You cannot wait for this guy to find you though, because the guys that are more likely to hit on you early on are probably less interested in a relationship imo.

{There are lots of people like you and I am sure there are plenty of men who would be perfectly happy with how you describe yourself.}

Apart from the 'man' aspect, have you thought how you would like your life to unfold?
I would suggest volunteering as a Scout leader (assistant). While the majority of the adults there would likely be married it is a fantastic opportunity to be 'out there' and stretch your 'bubble'.
In a good energetic group and you could find yourself being involved with anything from making mugs of tea to bungee jumping (not together obviously!). You can either 'just' help, or go through Scout leader training which stops basically when you fall off your twig.
Yes it is 'for the youngsters' but the adults get a go at the fun stuff too!
Scouts, 10.5 to 14.5 years are probably the most interesting and you will get a buzz seeing them develop. Camps and meeting up with other groups widen the outlook and an ideal excuse for being 'out there'.
I have stopped now and really miss it.

If you are a teacher - you have longish holidays - so do some volunteering for the national trust or similar. Learn to dry stone wall, clear footpaths, lay a hedge - the world is your oyster.

‘well nothings working the way I am’

That’s a good thing, not a negative thing. The right person will come in time, I’m sure. Good luck!

I agree that Scouts or similar would be a good idea. You have skills with children so this should be in your comfort zone, and even if you don't meet anyone in your local group, you will have to engage with other groups and go out and meet people to organise activities.

Stay true to yourself, but you will have to accept that to meet people you must leave your house. You are only 27 and you have huge amounts of freedom. Get out and live. If you are good at sewing there are plenty of organisations that need people to make costumes - amateur dramatics societies, historical re-enactment associations.

This maybe a bit counterintuitive, but why don’t you join something like the WI and do the things you actually enjoy like baking, sewing etc.
Get to know some older women; they will have sons, nephews, even grandsons and if you are perfect “wife material” would probably be delighted to introduce you.
Make it clear that you are looking and get practice in getting other people to look for you.

I still call my early to mid twenties "the years" as well.

At that time I worked with three other women and two male managers in an office environment. The fact that these 3 colleagues at the time were all partnered up never helped matters either because I felt like (and was) the odd one out - the single lady. I tried to keep busy outside work and enrolled in some evening classes but I did not meet any men that way either. The men who did attend such classes in my years of experience of them were without exception married or retired. I still attend a language class now and the men there are married and or retired.

Many people do meet people at work to date though not always. For example my husband worked for a company with at least 500 others in it and yet he never went on dates with any fellow employees.

Stay true to yourself indeed OP.

I would have a look at sites like the Guardian's soulmates for instance or the likes of Bumble and Spice. Get yourself off tinder as its not working out for you. Try other sites like these instead, there are more options around these days than there was even a decade ago let alone in the dark days of the early 80s.

Get to know some older women; they will have sons, nephews, even grandsons and if you are perfect “wife material” would probably be delighted to introduce you.

I agree with this - the more people you meet, the more people you meet, and even if you don't meet anyone, at least you are having fun.

I'm also not sure what she means. Does she mean a bit staid and old fashioned, not very exciting? I Hope not.

The bottom line is unless you get your self out there you're unlikely to meet someone. So you need to decide if it's worth going out of your comfort zone to try new things, meet new people, or if you'd prefer not to and stay as is?

You might have to rethink how you present yourself, especially when going out out. Nothing silly; I'm not suggesting tattoos, caterpillar eyebrows and trout pout! Just a smart jacket instead of the cardi, a slick of lippy, and hair done. (I wear cardis, but I'm 67!)

I would take it as meaning you're not particularly flirty or sexy. Have a friend like this and shes great but just a little serious.
She has found a nice man at the gym who is kind of the same and it's going really well. Someone out there for everyone!

Tinder sounds totally the wrong thing for you. OLD might work, but it is probably important which site you use. Have you thought about dancing? My niece met her husband at a swing dance class.
Think about the sort of men you want to meet and what their interests would be. If you would like someone active and outdoorsy, join active and outdoorsy clubs. Do things which are mixed sex and favour younger people. Maybe learn some new skills ?
Guardian soulmates is supposed to be good.
I have a 28 year old son who would love to meet someone like you!

I think it's more of a judgement of the men who use OLD.

They're looking for free sex with as many young women as possible and, at best, feel that it wouldn't be fair on a person like you because they can see you're nice - or more likely that they can see they'd have to put some effort into getting you to sleep with them, which they aren't prepared to do.

(I have a very low opinion of Tinder et al, having seen the sort of people friends have had to deal with through there - some are frankly terrifying and most are simply horrible).

A friend who wasn't looking to settle down, though, but is a genuine, caring and pleasant man, went to activity meetings through an agency (possibly eHarmony, but I don't know) and met his partner that way, as they were doing something that was interesting and there wasn't the expectation to get pissed and have sex within a couple of days.

The right man for you will be looking for a "wife", not a "girlfriend"-- "wife material", I mean. It's "just" a matter of finding that right kind of man.

I think you've had some good advice. Definitely resist the impulse to change or disguise your true self! You want someone you can be yourself with! That said, it doesn't hurt to do a little makeover, if you feel that it might make a difference in your self-confidence. A haircut, some perfume/a new lipstick, a few new pieces in the wardrobe? Just don't try to present yourself as something you aren't. First, because there's no need to do that you're great as you are and second, because you don't want to attract someone who isn't going to like the real you. It's just a waste of time and energy for you both.

Ultimately, I think the key is to keep trying. Keep putting yourself out there. Be open to possibilities. I'd let trusted friends/family know you're looking, so they can keep an eye open for you, too.

You’d be the dream woman for many many nice men, you sound absolutely lovely. If you feel you’re not making an effort on the initial first impressions appearance front then ask an honest friend - does your hair suit you, do you have decent skin & teeth which are easy to remedy, don’t change your style but check it flatters you. Get off tinder and try other sites, and assume it will take many first dates to make a connection. Try a course or running or metal detecting or cave diving, whatever floats your boat - the more interested you are in things the more interesting we become. Date all your friends mates and put the word out! Date, date, date!

Get yourself back on the OLD scene:

Trust me write your profile and put your interests in bullet points. Be clear about what u want out of it and just block anyone who sends u a message who u don't think u match its harsh but easier. Also don't be afraid to initiate conversation if you have matches. You might meet 20 guys before u meet the guy you click with. I met many a frog before I met my frog! It's a process of elination I've had many a friend and even my mum meet their fiancee/partner/husband on OLD

I really don't think you need to change - for some men you are their ideal, its just finding them and I think Tinder is more for men looking for a quick fling whilst married

I often dress in flowery dresses, cardigans and high heels and can sew, have a cat, don't drink and live in a thatched cottage I love being in. Husband is an engineer and have had a couple of friends say they would love to meet very feminine girls like me and can't find them. Maybe as its very male dominated. We meet via friends but I would say easiest way is an interest club but may take a few - they do things like restore steam trains, cars etc, windmill restoration, National Trust, jazz music, piano in spare time, well ones I know do. If there's anything like that you are interested in join it, you won't meet people at home. I was a member of sports club before, David Lloyd, and lots of relationships started there although would say fair few of them would guess were married. Or political group or church, anything really where you will meet other people but would do something that interests you.

I'm usually quite confident but I'm feeling more and more anxious and lonely atm. I'm not sure of myself or where I'm going. If I could only meet someone, even for a year or so, I think I could re-assess.

I'm glad you wrote this. I think you're naturally at a crossroads in your life, and you're looking for an outward signpost for your direction.

But it has to come from inside. A relationship won't help you reassess your life in any way. In fact, it could just confuse you.

I think: pick a dream, your biggest, scariest, dream, and pursue that. Wholeheartedly. You'll meet someone when you're focussed on pursuing your ultimate dream. (That's what people say when they say, "I stopped looking and then met The One.")

But it has to be your ultimate Dream. Not a compromise dream, or a dream that you feel might help you meet the most men 😆

Plus - weddings are PRIME opportunities to meet men. Just make sure you look/feel gorgeous at those.

I dont have any advice but im literally in the same boat. I teach eyfs and have a really full life with friends and family apart from never been in a serious relationship. I have had an on and off casual relationship but nothing of any value. I cant stand the thought of dates and never seem to find anyone on OLD. So you arent alone..im often left thinking whats the matter with me in comparison to most of my friends but have been contented with it the last 2 years..maybe thats part of the problem? I am 31

Sometimes the oddest things lead to you meeting someone who lights you up.

The main thing is to keep being where there are people even unlikely ones (people have friends and relations you might like even better) and to be open to something/someone different.

I also feel like I am the type peoples mums love but that I am not the fun confident girl that people seem to want. I often feel as though i have nothing to talk about too and that im boring although i know thats not really true 🤷‍♀️

Ditch Tinder for starters. Full of chancers and shaggers

I don't do any clubs or activities, but anything I want to do wouldn't be full of men either.

I think you need to push yourself outside you comfort zone.

Try a hobby not because it is something that you are particularly interested in for it's own sake, but that you know will have a good mixed social life. You might find you enjoy it! Think of it like school, at gcse you had to do subjects that you wouldn't have chosen but needed for grades. You think you need a relationship, go and try some activities that are more typically male or mixed, even though you don't think you'll be interested in them, to find one.

Research what's available in your area hiking? Golf? Water skiing? Scuba diving? Rowing? Do a part time evening class - if it's for a recognized qualification then the social life might be a bit better - wine tasting, history, Spanish? OU degree module with field trips! Go on a singles holiday, skiing, cooking or painting in Italy. Walk the Camino in Spain or attend a language school in Madrid. Join a choir. Volunteer for a charity.

Just have fun, always say yes to or suggest drinks after one of the activities - someone might bring a friend you fancy - who knows! Take up all potential opportunities and treat trying to find a connection as any hard activity or study you have to do.

Also why rule out older men? They might have interests and aspirations more aligned to yours.

You sound like you're closing down opportunities.

I second a PP - rock climbing

DH and I used to do indoor rock climbing several times a week before we had children and there were loads of men there. So friendly. Always stopping to chat and help inexperienced climbers. It's a great place for making friends, and does tend to attract a different type of person, who I think would really appreciate the things you might think make you "twee".

OLD is fine, but meeting people in real life is worth investing in; especially if your circle of friends is beginning to get bogged down with babies which limit opportunities to socialise.

Have you tried life drawing classes, photography or art classes? Younger men do those, too, and it seems in line with your creative interests.

The gym is good. I see lots of men there.

I'm 31 and met my DH whilst at uni so I had it easy and I've never do to do OLD, but almost everyone I know has met their OH through friends or family, or through a hobby/club. Be upfront with your friends - can they think of anyone to set you up with? Can their other halves? View the weddings and christenings as an opportunity to meet new people.

Also, I know it won't help, but having adult alone time is great. Don't look at being single as a bad thing. Enjoy this time as your time. I met DH at 18 and have never been able to do whatever I want without reference to another. I've never been able to indulge in my own interests without having to fit in around a partner. Sure, I don't feel hopeless or lonely, but I definitely do feel like I've missed out slightly. Try to stay positive about your current situation, whilst doing new things to meet new people. I definitely don't think you should change.

Rock climbing sounds a great idea!

Ooo I thought of another good one - first aid or St. John's ambulance.