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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

196 replies

ImMelanieNotScarlett · 19/05/2019 15:06

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

OP posts:
Halo84 · 20/05/2019 14:01

Men are visual creatures. I suggest if your hair is blah, get a good cut and highlights. Go to Sephora and get a makeover. Update your wardrobe beyond cardigans. Don’t do anything you are uncomfortable with, just increase that “wow” factor a bit. But I agree with all others, don’t change who you are as a person.

AsleepAllDay · 20/05/2019 15:17

@missmouse101 I'll take him! I've never been to South Wales though...

missmouse101 · 20/05/2019 16:15

@asleepallday, there's always a first time! It's beautiful here. Where are you? Grin

AsleepAllDay · 20/05/2019 16:18

@missmouse101 I'm an Aussie in London and have been here for several years :)

woodcutbirds · 20/05/2019 16:18

OP, in my twenties I was single the whole time. No one ever asked me out. I despaired of ever finding anyone. Then one night a newish but really close friend told me about a friend of hers she didn't think I'd fancy (because she didn't) but she was sure we'd get on and we had to meet. We did and that was it. Within a few minutes I was thinking: Oh you're why I've not met anyone. Because it wasn't the superficial stuff we had in common, it was the (very geeky) aspects to our personalities that put other people off which made us click so well. I was 29. We got married when I was 31. Been together 25 years.

ginghamtablecloths · 20/05/2019 17:45

I had the same problem - wife material but not exciting as a girlfriend. Eventually I did find a husband (at work, we were colleagues first) and you probably will too.

Do you have a hobby or interest for which you can join a club or go to night-school? Do any of your friends or colleagues know of the male equivalent - there has to be one. If a shy, quiet home-bird like me can find a partner so can you. In the meantime enjoy being single.

FairyFlake45 · 20/05/2019 17:48

Young farmers?

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 20/05/2019 17:59

Dr Phil, the American tv psychiatrist says if you want to meet someone you need to go to ‘target rich environments’ and I think he’s right. As you have consistently found out, teaching in a primary school and enjoying the mainly female hobbies you have is only exposing you to other women. If you were gay that would be great but as you are looking for a male partner it’s no help to you.

You have weddings coming up which might be a way to meet new men face to face but as well as that I think you will have to move out of your comfort zone a bit. You are unlikely to meet anyone while sewing in your front room.

Alpal1 · 20/05/2019 18:15

Oh yes, , I know that single teacher, hard to meet anyone, not enough time problem well and yup, I wear dresses and cardigans too! You could be me!
So, KEEP GOING. I met a lovely man on Match a few years ago. it will happen. You have to believe that you are worth it. Don’t set your sites too low. I took my time and rejected all the men looking for much younger models and then found my man. They are out there and don’t be shy. You should message them too.

Minta85 · 20/05/2019 18:31

OP have you tried going to dance classes? Ceroc/Ceildhs/Salsa etc. I met a boyfriend and my husband at one of these!

Theoldwrinkley · 20/05/2019 18:38

You sound just like me 30 years ago, with the sadness of no relationship that mattered.
But you also sound ideal for my son.....home owner, solvent, good job, nice car, and a cat lover! He is v shy, especially around women. Went to single sex grammar school, (all Male, obviously) then engineering (90% Male) then into v small company doing web design (him and the company owner, Male). He is doing a lot about his weight and fitness and is growing (a bit) in confidence. Anywhere near MK?

AsleepAllDay · 20/05/2019 18:52

And definitely engage in the conversation if you feel that you like that them. I've suggested a date and if they're into it they'll be thinking along similar lines

MoonstoneMagic · 20/05/2019 19:00

@TheOldWrinkley, I was about to say the same about my son!! Just thinking how I could get them together!
Are you willing to say where you are OP?

Spudlet · 20/05/2019 19:11

I met dh on a specific countryside-focussed dating site (Muddy Matches). It helped to have that intital thing in common - bumpkin-ness, in our cases Grin

So maybe reconsider the dating site you're using - I always thought Tinder was more about hook-ups than meeting potential partners.

Bizawit · 20/05/2019 19:11

Ahh keep going OP! You’ll find someone sooner or later :) :). Online dating is a numbers game- mustn’t get demoralised. Have you tried Guardian Soulmates? From how you describe yourself it could be a platform that better suits your style than tinder. Also the men on there tend to be more serious about a relationship/ commitment in my experience!

pollymere · 20/05/2019 19:23

I wonder whether you actually send out signals that you don't need a partner? My dh loves the fact I wear dresses and cardigans, and that I bake and sew. A teacher with a cat is a successful, confident professional who knows what she likes so maybe potential partners can't see where they fit in that? If you're doing lots of weddings maybe you'll meet someone that way? I met mine having a drink with friends in a pub. I also met a past boyfriend after getting chatting in a shop. Don't feel bound by dating apps.

LondonJax · 20/05/2019 19:27

I met my DH through an organisation called SPICE (Spiceuk.com).

It's been going for years and was set up, initially, by a man who moved to a new town. He knew no-one but wanted to have a go at things like abseiling or theatre trips where a larger group would get a discount. So he began advertising in his local paper, then when that got a group of people together, he started organising events (like theatre trips, then things like walking holidays). It grew and is now franchised country wide.

You join SPICE (no idea what membership fees are now), then you pay per event that appeals to you. Each group does things like meals, pub meet ups, quizzes, book clubs, wine tasting, cook a curry in an Indian restaurant, make your own chocolates (depending on the area) to more 'exotic' things like abseiling, learning to drive a tank (yes really, a day's course in driving a tank), to sports like badminton or parties at Christmas or New Year. Then they also have holidays like skiing, walking trips, they used to take over Centre Parcs for a weekend at one point (not sure if they still do that).

You can do what takes your fancy (depending on your budget). If you're on a tight budget you can also just go along to a social night - SPICE take over part of a local pub so you can meet members, buy your own drinks and that's it! I met my DH at a wine bar evening that they held.

I personally know 6 couples during our time who met and married/moved in together through SPICE and another 15 or so couples I heard of through friends throughout the organisation who got together during the couple of years DH and I were members. Two of our closest friends we met through SPICE - both now Godfathers to our DS. My SIL joined when she divorced. She learned to play golf at one event one weekend. She's now joined her local golf club - she'd never have bothered but for the fact that she had a free weekend, the SPICE golf event was nearby and she thought it'd be a laugh! So now she's out most weekends playing golf with her new mates.

The point is that, because you choose what you like, you end up with like minded people. One couple whose wedding we went to got together because they kept bumping into each other on walking weekends. They realised they were going to events hoping they'd see each other so got chatting and, 15 years later, they and their kids still enjoy walking holidays.

Lots of people go on to organise local drinks or meals involving the people they've met through SPICE and then class as friends. That's what I used to do - a little meet up of SPICE friends after work once a month. All of those friends came to our wedding and we still meet up as often as we can all these years later.

The more people you know the more chance you have of meeting someone - the woman you sit next to at, say, a dinner one evening may invite you to a BBQ where you meet Mr Right. Who knows? One thing's for certain, he's unlikely to knock on your door. And if you don't meet a man, you'll meet some lovely people and have a great time.

SPICE isn't a dating organisation - it's specifically designed for people who want to try a new event or want to make new friends or who just want to get out of a rut but don''t have anyone to do all this with.
But, as I said, if you're bumping into the same people because you like the same events you've got something in common. Which is a great place to start.

There's no age limit - one member when we were there was in her 80s (she used to enjoy the abseiling). Our friends at the time ranged from mid twenties to mid fifties.

Absolutely promise I've no association to SPICE now - I'm just a bit evangelical as I've known so many people find friends (or a bit of romance) through it. They used to do a 30 day trial for free in my day. Not sure if that's still the case but it's worth checking out.

Good luck!

MummasTheWord · 20/05/2019 19:29

Forget online dating - unless you write an honest profile re your interests / values and hold out for guys that hold similar - instead join as many groups and clubs that interest you and will attract guys with similar interests / values. Tinder is like a shop really and often guys are looking for ‘best in the show’ purely on looks and sex appeal - if you don’t want to compete (as gorgeous as you probably are) in that type of ‘cattle market’ as it has become - of course there will be nice guys on there, but from what I have heard there are a lot of players! Hold out for Mr Right, Not Mr Right Now only looking for a girl that is up for doing it right now!

Catastrophejane · 20/05/2019 19:40

I remember being 28...I felt like everyone was in a relationship, having more dates, more sex, more fun. Trust me, they’re not. I think most guys in their 20’s are a bit immature compared to women, so if you’re looking for someone your age, it’s going to be slim pickings for a while. Also, any guy who separates women into wife/ girlfriend material is not a keeper, so don’t worry about that. And have you tried Bumble? I did- met a lovely bloke! I found Tinder horrendous.

Catastrophejane · 20/05/2019 19:45

Ps - I’m a divorced 40 something, so recently back on dating scene. I get what people are saying about forget online dating, but that is how people meet each other these days! Keep doing it - it’s a numbers game! Good luck - you sound lovely!

omione · 20/05/2019 19:49

You sound like the perfect wife for my Son. Believe me the horrors that some Sons bring home keep Mothers awake. Be you, dont try to be anyone else or you will never be truly happy. x

Vynalbob · 20/05/2019 19:52

Church might be good but not tinder. Maybe a more suitable would be guardian singles or eharmony (know more 'grown up' people get lucky with it 🍀 🍀

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 20/05/2019 20:02

Within a few minutes I was thinking: Oh you're why I've not met anyone.
This is what meeting my dp of 30 years was like. Be brave and don’t change.

chestylarue52 · 20/05/2019 20:32

Online dating is just the same pool of men as normal dating and real life. Bumble is really great and I've had a few fun dates from it. I've never used Tinder.

beanaseireann · 20/05/2019 20:36

Op your username leads me to believe you're a fan of Gone With the Wind. Smile
You sound lovely and I don't know why your friends can't introduce you to one of their brothers, cousins or friends.
Ask them. Don't be shy about it.
I know a friend of mine fancied somebody and was too shy to tell the sister of her "fancy" who was her friend. She never did.
I found out lately if she had said something it might have come to something Sad