'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

[ImMelanieNotScarlett]

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

You sound a bit like me.

I would suggest be more specific in your choice of OLD sites and possibly spend money (I don't know if that's a thing anymore but it was in my day and it definitely weeded out people who weren't really looking)

Find an OLD site that relates to a specific interest not just Tinder - so it might be religion, music, pets, politics or whatever but you are already off to a head start. One that costs money to join is even better to get rid of timewasters.

DH and I met each other through one aimed at people who like classical music. For us we found it just filtered out loads of people who didn't share our interests and he was my date number 3, and I was his date number 4.

Join a steam train preservation society. Super twee and full of single men.

Have you tried SPICE UK? It puts the emphasis on meeting people through events and activities rather than OLD. Never been myself but have a number of friends who did, and expanded their network of friends / met partners etc

If you change yourself to meet men, just remember you won't meet the sort of men you are hoping to meet!

Ok, I am going to be a bit different and say maybe you do need to consider changing how you present yourself.

My BIl is now approaching 50 and has not had a girlfriend since school.
He constantly tries to meet people, from what I have seen of him he is a really nice person, lots of friends male and female. BUT, he does have real issues with how he presents himself (unassertive, silly face pulling that he thinks is funny, stinky cheap body spray) Y'know a long time ago there was a tv programme where a panel of 'experts' taught people who were socially unsuccessful how to present themselves differently, in demeanour as well as clothing, and it did completely change these people's success socially, including romantically. BIL needs this.

A few tweaks to how he comes across I am absolutely certain would transform his success.

It may be that something like that could work for you. You don't need to ditch your hobbies or change who you are, but maybe some small changes to how you present yourself could make a big difference.

BTW, my success in getting boyfriends was transformed for life when I had a haircut - previously always pulled back in a pony tail- (summed up by male colleague asking if my hair cut had changed my libido - no I replied puzzled, why do you ask?. Because its changed mine, he replied) and stopped living in chunky jumpers and got myself some new clothes. Sometimes small changes do make a difference.

People will be nice and tell you 'just be yourself' but if being yourself isn't working then is nothing wrong in looking at whether you do need to change, even if only in presentation.

In my experience a lot of walking groups are mainly full of very elderly people. I've done a lot of walking over the years and was always the youngest by decades. OP look for younger walking groups, if you fancy this.
I think sports groups are the way to go, climbing,road cycling, kayaking, running, etc. They tend to attract a lot of men of all different ages.

I wanted to come back and say I understand how grinding it is to be be the single friend, to feel unattractive and unwanted. It looks like you’ve had lots of really helpful suggestions!

Just wanted to echo all the posters who have said don't change - you're great as you are. You want to be with someone who loves you just as you are (and I say this as someone who has spent the whole day sewing).

When I was OLD I used to joke that my future dH was out there but he was reading a book. Turns out this was the case. We met when I was 32 - he was a friend of a friend. Like me he loves making things and he is a nester. Oh and he had a cat

Try to take "wife not girlfriend" as a compliment as it means you are someone the right man will want to be with forever. In the mean time your cat is far better company than any boy who sees you as just a bit of fluff. You are far more valuable than that and you're not rushing thank you very much!

You sound lovely. With all these events you have planned until September you might well meet some lovely bloke.

There ARE men out there who will think you’re perfect for them, but as most people have said, you need to change where you’re looking.

Have you looked on meet-ups? It’s not a dating site, it’s just groups of people doing stuff. From movies to scaling MtEverest. There are singles groups too and it’s a nice way to meet people.

It’s a very low hit rate on popular dating sites for people who don’t just want to party & have sex, it’s a numbers game. Just be you and weed out the players.

Try to enjoy your life, you really don’t need need a man to determine your direction. Probably what you need is the Summer Holidays & some time out from teaching.

You sound lovely - agree you should change where and how you're looking rather than yourself. Rambling groups, meetup and photography groups all have a fair amount of men.

Weirdly enough my ds has the same problem. He's quiet, geeky, history nut, not into clubs and pubs. Met his only gf at work, she hurt him quite badly and now is sadly single. He shies away from old, because he feels it's not for him. I may get his sister to suggest Bumble and Spice.

The thing with OLD is a LOT of people will chat to you for a while and then eventually disappear. I've done it to other people too. Chatting through messages just feels weirdly remote and I think that's why it so often fizzles out. It's not the same as talking to someone face to face where there's body language, you can build a rapport, judge chemistry, etc.

I started meeting much more people when I started being more direct about meeting up in person. I usually say hi, do the usual small talk about who you are and what you do etc., then if I think they're attractive and not a creep from the small talk, I go straight to "let's go out for a drink". If they're not really interested, then you've saved a few more days of pointless conversation.

I’m a teacher (yr 3), I’m 33. I don’t really like going out out I love to bake, knit and read. I have a cat, a weird dress sense - but not quirky Zoe deschanel style! I don’t want all the drama of meeting someone, I want to fast forward to the boring, safe bit and tbh no real life man is ever going to live up the men in my novels so I’ve given up looking!! Maybe we should set up a support group because I bet there’s guys out there that feel the same and don’t know where to meet girls!

I used Ok Cupid. Depending on when you live it was packed full of twee hipster guys who would love you!

Oh and to add - I was very forward. I’d i liked the look of someone I’d invite out in the first message. Life is too short to waste time messaging and back and forth when you can finally meet and not like them at all.

There are lots of people like you and I am sure there are plenty of men who would be perfectly happy with how you describe yourself.

It doesn't matter what you are like, inside or out, you have to be meeting people to meet a man.

Do you ever meet anyone at these functions?

Don't change yourself. But do try to meet people.

This is a normal life stage, your contemporaries are pairing up and because you are less socially out there you feel left behind. You are you and have to be true to yourself.

Get off Tinder and all that, it's not right for you. If you're not meeting anyone interesting as things stand with your social activities start following your dream. Is it travel, working abroad or moving somewhere else?

Shake it up, in a few years time you could be loaded with responsibilities and will look back fondly on having this time as a free agent.

Have you thought of Meet Up? Or maybe joining a political party or debating society?

Your main problem is your job. So many people meet their other half at work. Your second problem is that your main interests are traditionally feminine so don’t offer a route to meeting potential partners. So you will have to try more than most other people, but not because there is anything wrong with you.

Hi,
I think you should stick with the OLD while being honest about who you are - in a positive way. So I wouldn't necessarily say you don't like to go out drinking or whatever just go down the walks in the country, meals out and cosy nights in cooking at home etc route. I think in the early days of meeting someone it doesn't hurt to go out for a drink even if it's not your usual thing - you are going to all those hen dos so you can't find it too excruciating.

You could mention that you are looking for a relationship to help avoid timewasters. It wouldn't hurt to look out for other teachers or at least someone that understands times of long hours/work pressures like maybe doctors/nurses etc. No point meeting someone that expects to be able to go out meet up a lot on weekday evening and then gets the hump if you can't.

You only need to meet one person after all - if it's the right one.

You do sound really lovely OP.

However, if you think you look a little old fashioned in your dress/hairstyle and would like a more contemporary look, I think that's ok too.

Lots of women at different stages of their lives like to shake it up and update their style.

Whatever people say, for lots of women, feeling we look well does give a nice boost to our confidence and I certainly don't believe there is anything wrong with wanting to make the best of yourself.

Is there anyone in your circle of friends whose sense of style you admire. Could you ask them to give you some advice or see if you could find a personal shopper to suggest other styles that you might like to try.

Perhaps if you wanted to do this and enjoyed the process it might encourage you to feel more confident meeting new people.

Good luck OP.

In my experience cycling groups are full of middle aged men trying to get away from their wife and kids

But just stay true to yourself OP, plenty of men who prefer a twee homebody. Not sure where to meet them, but they do exist

Have you tried Meet Up? It's not a dating site but you can meet people to do nice things like gigs, walks, discussion groups, all sorts. You could potentially meet someone nice through that and get to know them without dating pressure. It isn't just single people on there but often they are.

My friend met her very lovely kind husband through Guardian soulmates. They spend time together growing food in their garden and cooking it. And pottering. Both late thirties/early 40s. There is hope!