'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

[ImMelanieNotScarlett]

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

I don’t know what she means at all. That now she’s married she doesn’t have to make an effort?

I don’t have any advice OP but you sound lovely. I bake, I sew, I read as much as I can, I watch politics on tv, I love a puzzle book, lots of people are a bit twee, it’s great!

I can only speak for my own experiences, not who goes to yoga where you live but in that case, how about ballroom dancing, tennis, mixed choir, which defnitely involve men wherever you are (presumably!).

Running and cycling clubs are full of men. But I second the idea f sang your best friends to help you find someone. They will know who would suit you.

Maybe join a gym or sports club? I am married, but see quite a few nice young men and women in there! I heard they are like the new clubbing alternative. I guess in primary school it is mainly women so not much chance there. It sounds like you need to meet people outside, maybe a club or something. I know, maybe a community allotment or charity type project, might be your cup of tea? Might be kind types of males there perhaps...

I agree with @JamHandPrints - I found my husband on a very specific online dating site (I presume that is what OLD stands for?) - anyway, the one I tried was a countryside one.
Have a bit of fun meeting people who you actually share interests with - don't go out with people just for the hell of it.

Swing dancing? 1950s groups?

If you said to your good friends, "come on people, i need a date for Tara's wedding, and a date for Lucy's wedding - who do you know?", what do you think they'd do or say?

I suggest Bumble rather than Tinder. I've had some lovely dates with really decent men. Be really specific 'I'm a home bird, I love cooking and sewing, I'm looking for a decent man for a good relationship'.

I agree about the running club idea - that's perfect! Especially cross country running. Or, if you don't like running, what about a climbing club?

... even if you hate the idea of climbing, and think that you're terrified of heights, give it a go! I did - and I'm loads better, and have loads of lovely new friends of my own age (both male and female) too!

Basically what we are all saying is, change your search tactics, not your appearance or character. That dosn't work anyway - you'd just end up with someone you didn't even like.

My stepmother is super twee - a quilter, cat lover, lived with her mum, wore Laura Ashley. Dated (via an agency back then) with no luck. She met my dad at age 39 I believe. He's also a homebird, loves cats (they had 9 at one point), listens to classical music, plays with his model railway, goes rambling. That's how they met - on an HF holiday.

... if I wasn't married, I'd hire a mountaineering guide and go and climb some mountains in the alps, and meet other guides/mountaineers.
Those French, Switz and Italian mountaineers have to be the hotttest / men everrrrrr!!

(...errrm, apart from my husband of course.... )

Oh this is interesting. I have the opposite problem OP - loads of dates (London - its easy as everyone is on the apps), they nearly always want to date me for a few / weeks months (aka sleep with me) and then they NEVER want a relationship. I am now super boundaried, but it still happens. I also feel lonely and down about being single. I think there are A LOT of guys out there who don't want a relationship. Or maybe i am doing something wrong.. who knows..

Anyway sorry, back to you.. Have you tried Hinge and Bumble? Both miles better than Tinder, much nicer people on the whole. Also Meetup? Maybe walking / outdoorsy stuff where there might be a mixed crowd? Are you city based?

Don't change.

I am also a homebird. I bake, I quilt, I cook, I garden. I met my DP when I was 30, on OLD. (She knits and cooks, btw.)

There are loads of people out there who will love the things you do.

Ramblers good.

OP it’s hard when you feel out of kilter with everyone in your friendship groups. And there’s nothing wrong with twee, or having a cat or being a home bird. Don’t lose yourself in the search.

in the same OP. I can’t get anything going and everyone else is getting married or buying houses.
I Love your username by the way.

No... I'm a bit old fashioned. I like dresses and cardigans. I have a cat. I'm twee.

And pray whats wrong with that then?

My first wife almost always wore Edwardian style long dresses and blouses and was well old fashioned, and that was her lovely charm plus a beautiful toned voice. Just used to love the way she refered to me as "young man" despite me being some 8 years older.

Fret not, there will be someone out there who will appricate you for what and who you are one day!

Do you like writing OP? Maybe look at creative writing groups? Not the small local library type ones (in my experience, most people in those are much older/retired) but larger independent groups? Nanowrimo run area meet-ups and there’s often PROPER MEN there! Or there are many other “quieter” online dating sites — perhaps try the Guardian/Times ones?

I’m like you: love my little house, my dog, my garden, my writing and books...luckily my lovely dogwalker was single 😉 and he appreciates me very much for who I am. The idea of being with someone who wants lots of excitement and drama scares the life out of me — and on Tinder I met someone exactly like that...it didn’t last.

The most important thing, regardless of whether you meet a partner, is to live your life independently and continue to take pleasure in the things that make you happy. Your “loved up” friends no doubt have their rows, their anxieties and their insecurities; you only have to read the MN relationships posts to see how married life is not always the picture-perfect paradise that some people make it out to be!

My friends use bumble and happen, I think they're more for people who want relationships so maybe give those a try x

Was your friend that said this married or single?? I think at different points in your life you want to be girlfriend/wife "material" so to speak. Same as when you are a teenager and just looking for a good time, you are not looking for a potential husband and good father material etc.

So at 27 some people are ready to settle down and start a family/be a wife, others are happy working/travelling, partying and dating/being a gf. It sounds like you are wanting to settle down as your friends are, I can understand that especially if your friends are all married off then who do you go out with to potentially meet someone, it's hard work, more so if you are homely or shy! Maybe some guys at 27 are not ready to settle down, so you might be looking to guys a couple of years older, be open minded.

Online dating is successful for a lot of people but also you will meet a lot of less desirable types! If none of your friends know anyone suitable to set you up with, you have to find a way to meet people so you probably will have to step out of your comfort zone.

Don't change who you are because the right person for you will be looking for a wife, not a girlfriend!

What about a less party based activity aimed at younger people. For example there are quite a few young ramblers groups for people in their 20s and 30s. Or cycling groups too, both of which are less likely to be female-centric but are also not going to be so party-party orientated.

Also doing activities and meeting others may help with confidence and meeting friends of friends.

Do you have any friends you can go on nights out with? I struggle to see why anyone needs online dating when you can go out. It doesn’t have to nightclubs if your not into that, there are nicer bars depending on where you live.

Have you read “ The Rules”? It get slated as being horribly sexist but I think it has many sound points.
The first is to change your thinking from all my dates have fizzled out as something you are at fault for to “none of those were right for me”.
It’s a good thing. You are vetting the wrong men out.

Secondly you do have to get out more. Second job in a pub or restaurant, gym, dog walking for someone.

Third. Don’t panic.Look around and see that all sorts of people find love at all ages. My old, very overweight, ungroomed, and slightly irritating friend has been seeing a kind,gorgeous man for a good few months now. She absolutely isn’t standard “girlfriend” material but just an example that it happens when it happens.She is sociable though and that’s the trick to speeding up the meeting someone process.

bumble is a good app because men cant message you first. After you match its down to the woman to send the first message.
im single in my 30s (but I am getting a divorce and already have kids) and I would say that you don't have to wait for the man to ask you out. If you like someone then ask if they fancy going for a drink.
it doesn't matter if you think you are twee or your mates opinion, men like different things and there is someone out there for everyone. you don't need to change yourself, you will meet someone that loves your cardigans.

also its possible to meet someone at a hen or wedding, if you see someone nice then chat and swap numbers.

You sound quite similar to a friend of mine. The likes of Tinder are not right for you I don't think, too many people looking for a quick hook-up. The site I recommended to her and that I will now recommend to you is e-harmony. You fill out a personality questionnaire and they match you with people who share your values and interests. My friend met someone she never would have crossed paths with otherwise, they got married last year. He appreciates and loves her just the way she is. Don't think you need to change how you are, the right person/people will appreciate you for you.