'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

[ImMelanieNotScarlett]

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

OP, you sound lovely. Very much like my friend who is 30 and met her DP on Tinder two years ago in fact! I think sometimes it may be down to where you live. I live in a university/art school city, very strong indie music scene, where being a bit twee and creative are not that unusual and definitely not negative things.

Are you into music at all? I’m 33 and I met my DH at an indie night and I know loads of other couples who met at that same night. In many ways it was twee central (Belle and Sebastian etc).

Cut loose at one of the many weddings
Let the hens etc know you’re not nec after a quick bonk 4 weddings style but someone who likes a bit of homely
FWIW get yourself in the farming set, you’re a match made (it’s my circle, I know!)

Instead of being hurt by your pal's comment, why not use it as your blue print. Not every man is seeking a fake glam, nightclubber. Some men would like the 'wife' image, some would not. The ones you will be compatible with are the former. I hope you click with someone soon.

Are you into music at all? I’m 33 and I met my DH at an indie night and I know loads of other couples who met at that same night. In many ways it was twee central (Belle and Sebastian etc)

Oh Belle and Sebastian are far too cool for me. I'm not ironic enough to be a hipster

I'd love not to date a teacher. I would like to broaden my horizons slightly but the idea of a walking into a new club or something alone freaks me out.

I agree with people who say not to change who you are. You can do little things like get a haircut, put some lippy on and get out there

Just in case it helps - my circle got married years ago. Literally. I was perpetually single at every single one.

I got engaged this weekend to a man that I can't imagine life without. We met randomly and he loves me completely for who I am, as I do him. 75% of my friends are divorced.

Bumble sounds worth a try, but don't change who you are. You want someone who loves you for who you are.

Are you musical at all OP? I wouldn't say I'm twee but I'm a bit of a nerd and clubbing etc isn't my scene at all.
I met my DH in an orchestra, and have made most of my non-work friends through choirs. Almost all my boyfriends pre-DP I either met through work/study, or orchestra/choir.

Yes, think bigger! So, you imagine yourself being a mum. What will you be doing with your kids - it can't all be sewing and baking! Will you be going for long walks, talking to them about history and clambering over ruins, telling them all about your favourite films? Or are you desperately hoping they aren't sporty as you can't think of anything worse than weekends spent in the rain and washing football kit?

Just from that you can get what you would love as a shared interest in a partner and what would be a massive turnoff - and places to meet.
What about hiking/walking groups, history re-enactment groups, film clubs, sports clubs or supporters groups?

And Spice sounds like a good shout - I've never heard of it before. I'm 28, never married, know that I'm pretty and have a good job but am more of a homebody type.

Have done the shags and one nights but not interested in that on an ongoing basis. Have always been looking for someone smart/arty/relaxed - my last bf definitely ticked those boxes and we met on Twitter!

But now putting myself out there for something more healthy and long-lasting. I moved here a few years ago so still feel like I'm building up my social circles.

I try whenever I fancy someone - recently asked someone out at work! Got fobbed off after we swapped numbers and planned a date but I'm always willing to be outgoing and give it a red hot go. I'm proud of myself for having initiative (this was at work drinks so I know boundaries!) - years ago it would have terrified me.

Which is why online dating REALLY helped. Try the more 'date' websites and apps - although I know plenty who have had relationships off Tinder. Always scroll past men who say they 'don't know' what they're looking for or have shirtless bathroom pics

I was almost exactly you at 27 - different job and no cat. Recent immigrant as well so my social circle was quite small.

It was awful. And I had to really push myself to do things because it was depressing and I’d rather be at home.

My now DH was the friend of an acquaintance. We all ended up at a random geeky activity one bank holiday Monday. I’d never have come across him otherwise, and he was just like me. Full on job, bit of a homebody, not into ‘dating’ or any of that scene. It just clicked.

I met him when I was 29. Now married with 2 kids and living in the suburbs. I never thought it would happen for me when I was in the midst of The Years and everyone I knew was getting married to the person they’d met at uni.

Have you thought about something like a breadmaking course? In line with your interests but more likely to have likeminded blokes there. You need a James the bread maker from bake off that year.

I met my partner through Spice! It's a social club with lots of fun activities, not a dating organisation...but a word of warning for you 20-somethings, the vast majority of members are 40+. There is an under 40 section, but its activities are somewhat more limited. (Most under 40 members are more like late 30s!) Join primarily to have fun and expand your social life, rather than specifically to meet men.

I know exactly what your friend means. The same has been said about me. It stings a bit- who doesn't want to be the sultry mysterious type? But we can only be ourselves. Carry on as you are, but expand your interests sightly and try new things. Do you live near mountains/crags/a rock climbing club? Purely anecdotal but all the outdoorsy/rock climbing/hiking/eco type men I know seem to have quite home focused, crafty, working in education type wives. Then when they have kids they all go on these sturdy family hikes together. Plus outdoorsy blokes are often bloody good looking, in a rugged sort of way. That would be my first port of call if I was single now. Some six foot grizzled bloke who wrestles badgers and appreciates you sewing his khaki shorts also, whatever your minimum and maximum ages for a potential partner are, raise them by at least five years. Younger men and those of a similar age often don't appreciate women like you. And get your friends to find people to go on blind dates with. Mention you're in the market for rugged mountaineering types Will probably get flamed by the above suggestions but it's what I see around me.

Farmers too. Farmers love a reception teacher

Some six foot grizzled bloke who wrestles badgers and appreciates you sewing his khaki shorts

That made me laugh

Bread making I could do without too much angst, thank you Jassy!

It is lovely to hear of the success stories. My nanna keeps telling me there's a lid for every pot. I am beginning to feel like more of a frying pan.

My honest advice is, scrap the OLD as it sound's like it's causing more harm for you than good. Do what you enjoy doing, don't change to suit others and don't force trying to find someone, you will find the most amazing person when the time is right and you weren't even looking

"My nanna keeps telling me there's a lid for every pot. I am beginning to feel like more of a frying pan."

If you google, you will get hundreds of hits for 'lidded frying pan'

Lakeland sell an excellent one

@EdithWeston

I love your post. So positive

Op are you anywhere near South Wales? I recently posted about my amazing 27 year old single friend who is so sweet and he refuses to do online dating. He is the loveliest man, runs his own gardening business and is such a laugh. It's such a shame that he's on his own yet wishes he wasn't.

If you google, you will get hundreds of hits for 'lidded frying pan'

Lakeland sell an excellent one

You see, I just need to find the Lakeland of the dating world and hope it doesn't rely on living in a castle and shopping in Waitrose

I'm sorry, I'm nowhere near South Wales!

It’s not you. Do not change.

Bread making I could do without too much angst, thank you Jassy!

I always do better in those sort of situations when there’s an activity/where most folk are likely to be strangers rather than in a club situation where you’re the newbie.

Pub quizzes where there’s a ‘make up a table’ option can also be fun and there is something to talk about/focus on.

Such a shame you're not, OP! He even has khaki shorts, twinkly blue eyes and can bake incredibly gooey macaroons. He's saving up to buy a Morris Minor!

Rock climbing sound good!

I was in my early 30s when I met Dh, single parent of a 15 year old. I knew him through a friend. Tried OLD and most guys just wanted a shag. So if you don’t look or act like a girl that’s just up for a good time they just move on quickly.

I think at 30 ish that’s when most men are actively looking to settle down.

I knit, bake, sew, draw, garden, like quiet nights in etc. I'm a bit twee, kooky, unusual, whatever you want to call it. Always have been. I met my husband on OLD (plenty of fish!) 8 years ago so don't discount it completely. The right person is out there for you. Unfortunately there is also a lot of the wrong person too. Meeting someone on the real world (I mean not online) can be just as frustrating as OLD. I'd try another site , as PP have suggested maybe something more niche. It's really hard to meet people in real life when your pool of men is people you work with or people you meet on nights out.