"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's May 2019, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Thank you Attila - I'm going to make some calls. This after a bullshit email yesterday saying "he never want/s/ed to hurt me".

Hi everyone, hope it’s ok to post here. I’ve been lurking for a while but have had a really bad day today so thought I would post for some advice.

I’ve been LC with my parents for about 18 months after realising that they have been emotionally abusive for most of my life. There is a very long backstory with this which I won’t go into just now but things came to a head and as I didn’t feel able to go NC with them, decided I was happy with very LC. My parents will not accept any responsibility for their behaviour and the things they have done/ said. They believe the whole situation has been caused by me choosing to go LC, not the reason that made me go LC in the first place!

Today I went to visit them with my dc and discovered that they have removed every photo of me from their house. Now I know I’ve chosen to go LC with them but I’m shocked at how hurt I am by this. I didn’t ask them about it as it would be a win for them to know they had hurt me. They’re also great with my DC but I find it so hard to watch given how horrible they’ve been to me. I feel like a little girl again when I’m with them, desperate for them to love me but they just won’t. I’ve been shaking and on edge since I got home and have just snapped at my dc for something trivial. I’m so ashamed and angry with myself that I’ve allowed this to effect me and then reacted the way I have, taking it out on my dc. Does anyone have any tips or advice for dealing with this?

Ah Jam that’s a bad day, you poor woman!
What’s interesting is that they’re behaving exactly how they always have probably. You’ve changed, by saying you’re not playing the game any more, but actually you’ve upped the stakes for them. They’ve got less exposure to you but they’re making it count.
You have to disengage, can someone else take the DC’s if you insist on them having a relationship? Can you drop them off? Meet somewhere and you go off for a coffee?
It still exposes you to them though. Go back to the outofthefog website.
But if I were you I wouldn’t think about it anymore tonight, watch a film, have some fun, live your nice life.

But specifically, on coping with anger and thoughts, just revisit some of the support sites, reengage with the advice you’ve been following. You can get out of this. X

I an having a lot of anxiety and guilt today over no contact with dm and df but it a relief not to have drama and criticism also. I want to get things sorted out but I can't see things improving. I know dm likes to put me down and mock and thinks it's just funny or im being sensitive. I don't think she ever loved me really. Other people would think badly of me do I tell no one about the relationship.

Not everyone will think badly of you chilled, but it’s a risk to share it with the wrong friend, who will tell you you can patch things up, family is too important etc. and put you back into fear, guilt and obligation.
Sometimes you’ve just got to feel the feelings, but keep repeating that you did not cause it and you cannot change them.

Thanks hero the thing that is upsetting is that I was so close to my df growing up. He was literally my best friend yet now he hardly speaks to me as I started to stand up for myself with dm. Not long after getting married dm would have a fall or something and ring in a terrible state that she could die and no one cared. Df took a job overseas at that time and demanded I spend more time with her. He didn't need to go overseas. He blames me for having to move back I think.
My uncle said a year after my wedding it was my mother's loneliest year of her life. She tells everyone I am selfish and yet she has fallen out with so many of her family. She didn't attend a recent funeral as she wouldn't cope. She is racist and homophobic and cruel about people. Maybe I need a thicker skin and I try to educate her but it is of no use.

Your DF has enabled your DM to behave as she has. You took the brunt of the abuse, but he let it happen. And now he’s furious with you because you’re not the whipping boy any more. See how messed up it is?
Of course you’re grieving the loss of what you thought you had. Children have a way of making situations normal to themselves because it’s all they know.
It’s incredibly painful, but you are in charge of yourself now, you’re not taking their abuse any more.

Don’t waste your time trying to educate her, spend it on healing yourself.

After a few more tough days I have finally the energy to reply. Grief stikes me every day several times, I have been sobbing every day for a few weeks now. I feel robbed of many years which could have been amazing but were just miserable. Now that I am about to recover, I see what I really missed out on and it hurts big time. Already I am crying again.

Herocomplex I appreciate your words and can only agree. I'm just not ready yet to move forward... to focus on the future. I will give it some more time and see how I get on.

ulterego It's nice to read you can relate. Thank you.

lasttimeround You are so right. I know all that, but it has not yet quite sunk in. Yes, the grieving will end.

I have been on MN for a few months now and have followed this topic for just as long. Together with therapy, it has helped me see what is normal and that my family is far from healthy. But, for a very long time I kept telling myself.... 'oh well, it's not that bad for me. thank god im not dealing with that'....when reading about narcissistic mothers, people having to go NC with parents and so on.

Upon careful reflection during and after my last visit to my parents I think that quite possibly my mum is a narcissist. It's been a few weeks now since I last saw them and I am still recovering mentally and emotionally. It's very difficult.

I do not see my parents much. I do not live in my home country, for which there is a very good reason. As a young teenager already I could not wait to get out of their house and live my life. I left home when I was 18. I'm doing well on the job front and financially, but have always been struggling with relationships. This is what I missed out on. I will quite possibly never have my own biological child, simply because the clock is ticking and I never managed to build, let a lone maintain, relationships. It's all quite sad really.

I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the state of my relationship with my older brother

He's less than a couple of years older than me. We used to get on well, despite being very different characters. We'd phone regularly, visit one another etc. He married late and I like his wife. When I had a daughter he was pleased to be an uncle.

Some of the differences between us can be linked to different lives. I have stepchildren and a child. He and his wife weren't able to have children - late marriage, some medication his wife had to take at the time, then unexplained infertility. As a female my parents treated me differently from the way he - and my younger brother - were treated. My mother was more engaged and supportive towards the two of them. I was expected to 'behave' and look after myself. I have a more open temperament and - even as a child - would challenge my parents if I thought they were unfair. He is a very contained character, who prefers trouble

But things started to go pear-shaped after my father died. It was then that I started to be able to fact the fact that my father had been controlling and violent and that my mother had enabled this sort of abusive behaviour to take place. As a parent myself I can't imagine quite why or how she allowed this to happen. (I can understand that times were different and she let herself be controlled by him for an easier life. But I suppose I'd imagined that after he died that she'd want to talk to me about this and explain the choices she'd made.)

When my mother didn't do any such thing, I realised it was getting hard for me to support her in her widowhood, as if she'd been a fantastic Mum all along.

I tried to talk to my older brother about this and he really really didn't want to know. I had to insist that it was really important to me that we had this conversation. In it I told him that in retrospect it seemed clear to me that our father had had an undiagnosed mental illness and that he had subjected me to a serious assault when I was seventeen. He conceded that sometimes our father might sometimes have lost his temper, but insisted that our mother was/is a 'nice kind person' and said the main problem was my being 'angry.'

Since then - about six or seven years back – he hasn’t once been to visit me. If I visit him he ensures that other people (our mother, his father-in-law) are present, so that no kind of personal conversation is possible.

I grieve that it seems only the most superficial, ‘polite’ kind of interaction with him is possible. On another level he really doesn’t want to know.

Has anyone else had a similar difficult with siblings when their upbringing has been very dysfunctional?

she'd want to talk to me about this and explain the choices she'd made
This resonates with me, I am very aware of the ways in which I have failed my own children, now that they are adults I have taken opportunities to discuss things with them, and I have tried to make amends, I have expressed regret 4 things that weren't so good, for the times that I behaved badly, I have apologized, I have really tried to be open and to be real with them whilst avoiding burdening them with my guilt

When my mother didn't do any such thing, I realised it was getting hard for me to support her in her widowhood, as if she'd been a fantastic Mum all along
Yep same with me the 'rents reacted with hellfire and brimstone when I tried to get answers, they expect to be indulged in their dotages
truth is I can't wait for the fuckers to die so I can be released from their weirdness and their denial

@hostof
I'm sans siblings so I can't personally relate, but I can appreciate that it must be extremely painful not to be given the validation that you need from the only person that shared your childhood with you,
It's a cruel denial of your reality 😔

I'd like to tell all those of you struggling, you have my empathy. I'm on the far side of NC, I was 13 when at last my cries for help ended up with me being taken into care. I'm now 49. Until my mid 20s the conditioning that stays with you when you're abused by 'parents', still worked and I would try intermittent contact every few years. Which just prolonged my suffering. So, now I've been completely NC from both of the sexually, physically, emotionally torturing abusers I termed 'ex parents' for 25 years. My route was to isolate myself, stay alone, remain childfree ( it was vital not to pass their genes on). I've had life threatening cancer twice, one linked to the early sexual abuse. I know you might be finding it very difficult to break the chains tying you to your abusers, this is part of the damage parental abuses causes. Please read as much as you can of the book list, especially the Susan Forward book. Listen to audio self help books, be a sponge ready to absorb knowledge to empower yourself. It's part of the antidote to how you've been 'programmed' by the abusers. Learn about Attachment Theories, and how abuse makes us have unhealthy attachments. And, a simple way to help reframe and learn to prioritise your own happiness is to repeat the mantra ' If this was a friend, who all this had happened to, who was in such pain because of an abusive childhood, who asked me for advice....what would I tell her, with utmost love'? That's the important answer you need, and could be the start of healing. You matter, your feelings and mental health are important, you don't need to be a punchbag for abusers for the rest of your life. Nothing can undo what was done to us , but ending the cycle by NC means we can get the space we badly need to begin to heal. Most have other family members, good friends, siblings, children, partners...you have support, then. Even if you are all alone, like me, you can still do it. Anyone who is also alone, dm me. I see beauty in everyday, I have the joy and peace I was denied for half of my life. You can and will come out the other side as a healthier soul.If you know or think you need to go NC, don't waste another second of your precious life. Protect yourself and definitely protect your children. I wish you all peace, it won't come easily, but it is so worth finding, I promise. Take back your power. Love and light

Your experience with your older brother mirrors mine @HostofDaffodils , the exception being I'm male and the age gap is more towards 10 years.

He was the quintessential golden child whilst I was the fucking runt, the baby who dared be born male (apparently, I should've been female, even now 40-odd years on), the baby who dared almost die. Criminal errors obviously.

My mother is a psychotic narcissist, my father her passive willing enabler. A weak man who chose his wife over his youngest child.

I tried to have a conversation with my brother a couple of years ago, and his response was staggering, that my reaction to "the situation" was "tearing the family apart" (I'd gone LC at that point and had a couple of emotional kick-offs), yet, reminiscent of childhood, it was me who was the problem. Cue threats to disinherit me, I give zero fucks.

It's a sad state of affairs to realise that two people can have such different views and experiences of the same situation.

What's given me most strength are these threads, and the amazing people here who provided my lightbulb moment, and realising that whilst my childhood manifested these demons inside of me, I don't have to chase after them. Of course it's never quite so easy and I have (many) bad days, and all-nighters when my trail of ghosts come out to play.

I hope you can find your peace

I have stepchildren and a child. He and his wife weren't able to have children - late marriage, some medication his wife had to take at the time, then unexplained infertility.

This is a direct mirror too, same your mother's unwavering support for them and not you.

Sorry one more, the book "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa really opened my eyes.

Hello everyone.

I’m getting married on Saturday.

My dad passed away at the start of the year (suspected suicide) so won’t be there. After he died our family imploded, I didn’t realise he was the glue until he had gone.

Family feuds, the realisation that I’m the golden child and my sister (same mother, different dad) using dad’s death as the chance to topple me from my ‘throne’ has left me with no family support during the darkest months this year.

This culminated in my fiancé and best friend being accused of abusing me. After my mum and sister told everyone we knew that this was the case I chose to go no contact. The stress was too much on top of grieving for my dad.

So no family of mine will be there.
Iv kept it together so far, it’s a small wedding as per my request. Iv got some close friends going. My partners lovely dad is going to give me away.

But my mum is guilt tripping me that she won’t be there. She has apologised for the last few months but not really at the same time. She hasn’t made any action to take back her false claims about my partner. She seems to just want to relieve her own guilt for her dreadful behaviour and that’s all.

I actually feel like she only wants to come to the day because people will think badly of her for not being invited.

Or am I being a cynic? We were very close before dad went, and I miss her. Of course I wish she was there but I’m just not over all the awful things she’s said about me when I was at my most vulnerable.
She even said ‘I would like to support you, but my parents haven’t died’

I’m fearful that instead of the stress free day I wished for, I’ll be upset that my entire family are missing. It doesn’t seem real in a way. Or that I’ll regret my mum not being there on such an important day.

:( I don’t know what I’m asking for, I just needed to say it.

the realisation that I’m the golden child and my sister (same mother, different dad) using dad’s death as the chance to topple me from my ‘throne’ has left me with no family support during the darkest months this year.

Hi @SailorJerry13

In whose eyes are you the golden child? Were there marked, obvious, differences between the treatment you each received? The behaviour of your sister and mother is extremely callous and they are gaslighting you.

You need to recognise a very important point - you no more chose to be golden child than your sister did scapegoat. Although your post makes me wonder if you have things the wrong way round, and that your father, your protector, stood against your sister/mother.

My mother attempted suicide multiple times, I'm so sorry 

It's sometimes quite healing to understand that , even though siblings may have been 'the golden child', they have not escaped conditioning by 'parents' to think about their siblings in a dysfunctional way..toxic parents are incapable of healthy parenting, and as we know, use one sibling , or more, to keep the scapegoat of the family in that position, during childhood. The fact that the toxic conditioning of childhood, be it keeping the secrets of the dysfunctional family , or continuing some form of abuse, (and stonewalling / rewriting history is abusive), continues into adulthood and very often for a lifetime, is a marker of exactly how toxic the parents were. Also, toxicity can be passed down through the generations, as most families sadly know. It does make healing even more difficult when our siblings can never break out of the toxic behaviour that has been programmed into them, but it can help our healing by keeping expectations of them extremely low if it's obvious they are incapable of shaking off the toxic role the parents gave them, often these siblings have been bought and paid for and cannot gain the insight needed in order to find their own voices. I pity my only sibling as he is exactly this, a reinforcer of parental abuse, an abused child himself , as he was never allowed to develop free will. He may not have been tortured in all the ways I was, but that is a comfort to me, and I have learnt to try to be objective about the sheer scale of dysfunction that implants loyalty to the abusers of his sister, because at least his life was easier that way. The way siblings can 'deal' with things is simple denial, because to confirm your worst memories is pathologically impossible. He is his parent's son, after all. We escaped, we hopefully have joy in life in spite of what happened, and the denial of what happened. Siblings are still under the influence, they've probably been under the dark influence for a lot longer, and are still playing a toxic game you are free of.

**I actually feel like she only wants to come to the day because people will think badly of her for not being invited.

This is just part of the bigger post but it really stands out for me. Your gut is telling you that she’s only acting for herself and not for you, on a day which in a loving family would be about celebrating love and support following a terrible family trauma.
Do what’s right for you. X

Sailor

I hope you go onto have a really happy wedding day on Saturday and subsequent marriage .

I did also wonder if you were infact the scapegoat here in this family unit too.

It seems to me that your mother has not apologised nor has taken any responsibility for her actions here. Many adult children of such toxic parents are mired in their own fear, obligation and guilt. I do not think you are being cynical re your mother at all; she probably wants to be there simply because of what other people may or even may not think if she is not invited. What does your fiancé too think of your mother and sister?. Not much I daresay.

FWIW I did not have any family present on our wedding day either and its a decision that I have never ever regretted for one moment (particularly after my dad's comments about getting married on a Thursday so no-one will attend and overhearing my mother being frightened about the fact that I could go onto get divorced from my then fiancé. We have been married over 20 years now ).

Sorry, above reply was to Steve, am so sorry to Sailor Jerry for your pain..guilt is a marker for abused children...please don't be hard on yourself, you were a victim of a dysfunctional dynamic too...sending empathy and support

Thankyou for your kind replies.

My sister named me as golden child, in her many Facebook rants she calls me ‘Little Miss sunshine’ and after I mentioned a golden child set up to my mum, she sent me a birthday card without my name but addressed to ‘The Golden child’

She meant it as a joke but I felt like our heartfelt discussion about it all was minimised. And just a joke to her.

Our family set up was like this - my sister who was an under achiever. She filled the gap with having lots of children with lots of different men and became very bitter.

I was an ugly gawky child, but as I got older must have grown into my face or something and without sounding vain - I’m a pretty young woman. I have a solid relationship, lovely home and life.

My sister resents this, her and my mother pick at this and try to find fault. When they both put on weight they said I had an eating disorder. When I got a boyfriend they said I was a slut. Etc.

But at the same time, I feel my mum has also obviously favoured me more - every achievement I have had has been due to her parenting of course. She feels popular because I am popular. My sister is her ‘back up’, who she goes to when I’m not around or if I didn’t answer her calls.

I do feel since going no contact with them both my mum has realised she fell for my sisters manipulation (although I think she resents me for the same reasons, even if only slightly) and wants to board the train into my life again.

My mum has enjoyed the show of my success (without outing myself, Iv become quite well known for something in our local communities. I live elsewhere in the country.) and has made a persona where our falling out doesn’t fit.

My wedding will emphasise that, and probably put her as a liar. I think she does want to be there as my mum. But mainly to be ‘seen’ there.

So I’m not sure if I am the golden child. It’s felt like it sometimes, but the dynamic changed when dad died. As younger kids I was often favoured by strangers too - a neighbour of ours was a kind old woman and she would invite me over for tea. When my sister asked to join us the lady said no !
But I was very shy, quiet and polite.

My sister has always had a toxic, bitter and spiky personality. I cannot think of one instance inmy
Life that I have enjoyed her company, or left feeling fondly of her. Usually I leave feeling worse about myself, or ashamed of her behaviour. (She picks fights with waitresses, strangers that she thinks are ‘staring at her’ etc.)

Oh also - not to go on and on...

Both my mum and my sister have been gas lighting me. Without a doubt. Now I’m out of the situation I see itveey clearly.

My sister has made tall claims about me to friends, stolen my dad’s ashes and scattered them without me, decided I am not allowed any of his belongings etc. All the while writing comments like ‘she’s vile, she needs to be smashed in the face with a brick, she’s a bitch’

And then messaged me (I don’t reply) saying ‘I need a hug’ or ‘I know this is hard, I’m here for you if you’d stop being so dramatic’ and even wishing me happy birthday ! As though nothing has happened.

Iv had to reread messages from her to confirm things did happen how I thought they did.

My mum is much the same. Sends long messages of love and affection, but then will discuss my ‘abuse’ and that she hopes I come back to her one day. That’s I’m over reacting and playing up to people.