Suspicious texts

[MrsSeanBakedBean]

I have found some suspicious texts on an iPad linked to DH's phone. Just called the number (withholding mine) and it went through to voicemail.

Texts from DH were asking 'when are you working next?'

The reply is addressing DH by a wrong (made up?) name saying 'I'm in flat d'. There are later texts arranging to meet for lunch / coffee.

It sounds like he's been texting a Dec worker. I'm feeling sick & shaky.

What should I do- confront him or wait?

We have been married 13 years and have one DS.

Lawyer up, ASAP, OP!!!

Message the person and arrange to meet?

Thinking of you OP. Hope you’re okay this morning sending you strength x

My thoughts Are with you OP. What a horrid shock.

The false name is worrisome. I get the strong impression he's done this before.

The porsche is such a cliche. I can't believe men do that in real life.

OP - not sure why you think that he won’t be getting the money.
Unfortunately - he will be - and half of everything.
Affair or any proof of sex outside of the marriage does not make any difference for the financial settlement.
Really - go and see a solicitor. You may now have to do damage control as you have escalated it.
If he is smart - he’d file now and get the max of what he can.
If you want to protect your assets - try to get your emotions under control and plan.

Lifegoes - no I haven't messaged OW. Still feeling shell shocked about it all. I haven't been sleeping well.

H won't file for divorce. He wants to maintain his lifestyle!

@MMmomDD that isn’t necessarily the case , inheritence is treated differently to joint assets but it depends on the entire set of circumstances of their marriage. I agree though that OP needs to see a solicitor and fast to get the bell rolling .

Sorry OP , the adrenaline tends to wear off and you may feel a bit numb about it all. It’s a betrayal and it’s going to hurt. Be kind to yourself lovely and try and get as much real life support as you can, is there any family / friends you can reach out to? X

It depends on a duration of the marriage and OP mentioned that hers is a long marriage.
So - she needs to get smart. Is all

Do you earn significantly more than him-I keep seeing you mention money?

Fedup, not necessarily but my family has money/ property.

He thought he was in line to benefit from it all. We were in fact separated when I received the inheritance and I had already consulted a solicitor over child access.

I think an earlier poster had it spot on when they said he is no longer committed to the marriage but couldn't resist the lure of the money.

I don't even like Porsches. If I got anything I would replace my everyday brand hatchback for a newer model.

Lefty1- thank you x

OP - unfortunately none of your history and temporary separations matter here - since you are still married and not in divorce proceedings.
His behaviour is grounds for divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. But that’s all.
He is still in line to benefit from all your assets. Until you legally divorce.
There are ways to protect your assets, but you need to go and figure it out for your specific circumstances.
I think you think that morally he isn’t entitled - and despite that being possibly true - it has no legal basis.

He thought he was in line to benefit from it all. We were in fact separated when I received the inheritance and I had already consulted a solicitor over child access.

Ah, I see.

Will he still be entitled to half the inheritance if you split up?

Yeah he was only back for the money. He has blown that now. Time to LTB

If someone has mentioned this I didn't see it.

Given the scratches and bite marks OW knows he is married and wanted to be sure you knew about her. Especially as he says her met he while you were separated. Perhaps he told her about the inheritance and that he needed to stay for a while so as to get half in the divorce. She may be trying to precipitate another separation.

But as there's other family money he may be playing both ends. He strings her along and keeps her on the side while staying with you. He took your son last time and may try to use that as leverage to keep you from throwing him out. After all, if he can keep you sweet, you might buy him a Porsche and he can live comfortably while waiting for the next inheritance to increase his half.

If it were me, I'd make sure of the legalities before ANYTHING ELSE.

Don't text her.
Behave as though you've had time to think overnight and are going to let it go.
Don't act lovey-dovey because that's not believable. Just stay calm and be as normal as possible.

Get legal advice as soon as possible. I hesitate to say shark, but try to choose one who has the reputation of getting good results for his clients.
make the appointment first thing tomorrow, if possible.
Make them with several if you don't know who to see. You'll get a free consultation with each.

I don't know if it's true in the UK, but in the US once you've seen an attorney, the other party cannot use that person. Limit his choices.

And all the while, be calm. Be strong. It will be hard, but as someone else said, it will help your case to keep your son.

Try your hardest not to engage with him. He'll probably try to smooth things over and I'd let him think he has. After all, he's been lying and got away with it for a little while. Now it's your turn to gaslight.

I know it will be hard, but you can do this. If you need to scream, get in the car, drive with the music up loud, and scream and cry until you get it out. It works.

Do you have a ride-or-die person IRL? Someone who will have your back and keep your secrets?

Keep up this thread. You'll get lots of support here.

Be strong. You can do this.

Beenwhereyoyare- I was inclined to go along with your line of thinking myself, but DH's behaviour today has changed that.

He started shouting and swearing at me earlier ("no you're not looking at my f-ing phone, piss off, you're doing my f-img head in nagging me like this") with real rage in his face, slamming his fist into things.. when I asked for further details.

He said (with no irony) I was making him ill and asking why was I still in bed (I got up late as haven't been sleeping).

He seems to swing between 'saying' he loves me my money and then raging and shouting as if it's me that has caused the problem.

If anyone's head is being done in, it's mine.

I want to add that I am getting legal advice but would appreciate continued emotional support on this thread.

Popping up to say hello and you have a supporter here @MrsSeanBakedBean

He is literally as idiotic as Mr Bean!!!

I think you're doing really well considering and he's making it easier by being such a baby about it all, running away from talking it through.

Keep going xxx

His behaviour is telling you exactly what kind of person he is - so that is a positive thing. If you needed any reminders that he is not worth your time then he is giving you those reminders. A loving husband who had strayed whilst on a break and desperately wants to make amends would be open and honest with you.
It must be difficult and stressful at home. Could you get him to leave?

Hi OP I don’t think this has been mentioned and I’m not sure if it even matters at this point but on ipad you can see any passwords which have been saved on safari, under settings. I think it’s under ‘safari’ then ‘accounts and passwords’

Any saved passwords should still be on there even if the browser history has been deleted. It might be worth getting as much as you can from that ipad before he thinks to change the password.

Good luck, I hope you can get the inheritance thing sorted so that’s it’s safe for you

sorry I meant to say, on iphone you can see the passwords but I’m assuming ipad will have the same functions and lay out etc

He’s a real piece of work this knob rot is , isn’t he! the audacity of him to raise his voice , you have the patience of a saint OP, a lesser woman would have shoved the phone with his sleazy message up his backside , or better yet , the iPad!
You’re doing amazing at holding it together
Have you tried some nytols ? They’re only herbal but they’ve helped me before.
I think you’re definately doing the right thing by seeking legal advice.
Can you ignore him for now and go grey rock on him? Or does he keep trying to engage with you? Just thinking that the less unpleasant conversation you have with him , the better?
Sending hugs xx

I would give your solicitor the timeline of when you first separated, when you received your inheritance, when he came back, your discovery of the text, your suspicion that he’s been seeing the OW since before his return, and maybe even his plans for your inheritance and your suspicion he came back because of the money.