Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

I met Mr Carpet, he lived with his parents and cared for both of them as well as working full time and running the family farms. I understand the strong feelings of obligation (also a very religious family) etc. but mostly he did it because they were all very close and he wanted to.

In my case, it worked out because my late MIL (FIL died before we actually started dating) was a lovely woman who wanted to see her son settled before she died (which was imminent at that time). It took some juggling and planning for us to go out and do normal dating things, but because she wasn't a controlling witch she helped us and was fine with accepting help.

In your case, OP, there are too many things against you. He is clearly being controlled by his parents, but he doesn't seem to be pushing back against this. His parents sound very unpleasant, and you may be able to fight them and win, but in the long run that victory would poison your relationship. You would always be the woman who kept him from his elderly, vulnerable parents.

I think that you have three choices. You can accept the status quo (painful and likely to lead to an explosive build up of resentment), insist on meeting them and trying to reassure them/work something out that suits everyone(unlikely since one or both would likely have a "stress-related" chest pain/dizzy spell at the very suggestion), or you can walk away. Frankly, I would walk away. On your current path, there is nothing but heartache for you.

Just out of interest, is meeting a woman in a hotel room compatible with his religious beliefs?

I actually don't think it matters much why he's behaving as he is. Only that it isn't going to change. If he is being abused, if its FOG, whatever, I am sorry for him but those things aren't a reason to stay. You have to act in your own interests so the only question is whether leaving or carrying on like this would make you happier.

I had another thought just as I pressed post. Since they are very religious, is there any chance that a leader from their community (rabbi/priest/minister/elder etc) could be roped in to speak to them?

@SarahPickles

I get where he's coming from. My grandparents live on a farm in the middle of where. It's done up like Fort Knox. No one can get near it without their approval via CCTV, and they only allow family members into their home (even then, only two people pass the grade). It was fine to live like that when they were only a little infirm, but then my DGM fell and broke her hip. She never walked again. Was chair-bound, trapped in one room with a commode someone had to lift her onto. Carers came in to help her four times a day... for about three days, before my DGF had enough and banned them because he couldn't handle the outside interference.

If your DP's parents are really that stubborn and reclusive, it will only get worse as they get older and become more frail. Does he realise this? It may very well be that he can't work, or see you at all, because he is needed full-time at home. Has he ever talked through such a scenario with you?

He sounds lovely, and you sound incredibly supportive to have put up with this situation for three years, but let me spin this around the other way:

He is willing to put his life on hold for them, to do everything for them, even though their is other help available (just because they don't want it doesn't mean they wouldn't take it if they had to). He is doing something selfless, right? Only, he's not behaving that way towards you at all. He's telling you that you're the only thing keeping him going. He's trapping you, in a half-life you don't want. It's emotional blackmail, and although I'm sure he's a good person, when it comes to your relationship, he's being selfish. If he gave you half the time and consideration he gave his parents, he'd either insist on alternative care for his parents, insist on having you in their home, should they wish for him to remain their sole carer, or he'd end things with you so that you could have a chance to meet someone else.

If you know for a fact that you would be happier with him (a few hours a week) than without him, keep going (but do not sell your house), but if the situation gets you down and he isn't willing to do anything about it, you have to ask yourself if he really loves you as much as you love him, because it seems you've made huge sacrifices for him, but what has he done for you?

Just to add, I guess, that people might tell you to leave him, and you might think that means staying with him makes you weak, but I don't think it does. Staying with someone you love and believe in, when loving them is actively hurting you, is the opposite of weak.

I wonder what he would say if you suggested a compromise? Maybe one weekend in every two he organises carers for his parents whether they like it or not. Otherwise they will need to manage alone. They can eat pre prepared meals and heat them up. I don't know if you've said how fragile they actually are, if they can get to the toilet or bed independently? I'd agree with the poster who suggested he's co dependent. I also think it's highly commendable that he's caring enough to do this for his parents. However we can care without being a doormat

Your friend is right.

And everyone on this thread is right.

He has the the life he wants and you have yours on hold. Hoping that in 10 or 20 years you might be together. Even you must accept this is foolish.

I’m also wondering when you repeatedly refer to yourself as old. Are you severely disabled or in very poor health ? Because many 60 year olds are out doing sport, hobbies, seeing friends and family with fulfilling and rewarding careers.

I’m only a little younger than you and I have a job, three kids still in school, hobbies, I volunteer and I run and go to the gym several a week.

You sound more like 85 than 60. Or a younger person’s idea of what they might be like at 60.

What on Earth are you doing with yourself all the rest of the week that you are not seeing this man ? Even if you don’t end it with him, you need to take care of your mental and physical well being, so you stop feeling old before your time.

I suspect you ladies are all young and attractive and have the choice of many men, and so, yes, I can see why you would chuck this one to the wall.

Nope, fat and old. But I'm not desperate, and I wouldn't want to be wasting the last quarter of my life flogging a dead horse.

Daenerys77 "I would not settle for an unsatisfactory relationship because nothing better was on offer. A single woman can have a very pleasant life, post-retirement, without any man in the picture."

But I still have my single, very pleasant life. I don't have a partner, just a man whose company I enjoy for a few hours a week.

I'm not losing anything by this. I don't consider myself to be engaged, or even reserved. If by some miracle I met someone else that I could love, well, I am a single lady. (Mind you, that hasn't happened in these three years.)

Whether or not he intends it, don't forget that this kind of language is what he's grown up with and lived with

Perhaps, but in his case it is probably a true reflection on how he feels.

PP saying he likes his life like this are talking through their arse and have clearly never met someone in this situation.

My Auntie was brought up to be the lifetime carer for her mother, and to have no life of her own. Catholic. She had a miserable life and felt completely trapped by it., She certainly did not like it.

I agree with some PP that he is being emotionally abused.

BTW none of what I have said should be taken to mean OP should stay with him. That is entirely her choice as to whether those few hours a week are enough.

Wtaf? So if one isn’t ‘young and attractive’ one ought to be content to be thrown a crumb of attention once in a while because that is all one is worth?? Absolutely no fucking way. I’d rather be alone than begging for brief moments of companionship from a man.

I don't think you are a mug. You clearly love him.

Maybe he is codependent, maybe his parents have groomed him and are abusive, I don't know. Whatever label you put on it, he is in a difficult situation.

Whatever the ins and outs of it, he is not available to have the kind of relationship you want. You can't change him, only he can change himself. As you say, you want more and he can't give you that.

None of this makes either of you a bad person. However, I still think the choices open to you are to either continue the relationship on the current basis or walk away.

OP, if you want to inspire him to change this situation, you need to make it uncomfortable for him.

At the moment, you're driving 40 miles to see him every weekend. Stop doing that.

You're patiently waiting, for over 3 years. Stop doing that.

I imagine you're in contact with him every day? Stop doing that.

He needs to feel the pain/fear of losing you in order to be motivated to take some action. Without any fear, he has no motivation to push past the guilt his parents are ladling over him.

So don't get stressy or angry or bitter. But say to him, "My life is slipping through my fingers while I wait for you. I understand you feel responsible for your parents, and I admire that in you. But I have a life, too. And while I wait for you, I'm neglecting it.

So - I love you, I've never met anyone so lovely. But this is now causing me pain, so I'm going to go and live my life. If you can change things, contact me. But otherwise, I can't go on like this any more."

Or something like that. And then don't contact him. It will take about 8 weeks of no contact from you for him to feel the physical LOSS of you, and that's when he'll take real action.

Oh gosh there are so many questions, I am sorry I just cannot keep up with answering them ... OK here is one

ImNotNigel

"What on Earth are you doing with yourself all the rest of the week"

I'm very busy. I not only have multivarious absorbing hobbies, but a home and a garden to maintain. TBH there are not enough hours in a day. I go into town, meet with friends, go to the theatre, concerts, restaurants. I guess I have a pretty normal life for an active-minded, retired single lady. I Facebook, I Tweet, I read the news, etc. Just a normal life.

My boyfriend phones me three or four times a day. Pretty much every tea break, lunch break, and then from home after dinner. If I am out then I'll phone him back when I get back. Some evenings we are on the phone an hour or two chatting about this or that. My life is normal, his is not.

Ps: Good luck! Keep us posted, and do keep listening to that lovely feisty girl friend of yours because her head is screwed on right!

My boyfriend phones me three or four times a day. Pretty much every tea break, lunch break, and then from home after dinner. If I am out then I'll phone him back when I get back. Some evenings we are on the phone an hour or two chatting about this or that. My life is normal, his is not.

This is why he hasn't done anything; he's had no reason to. He has you on a leash.

How can you love this weak weak man? You sound switched on and together and yet you love him. I don't get it. I get that he is kind, well meaning, great to be with etc but all that would be overshadowed by how weak he is and unable to stand up to his parents at his age. That would destroy any love I had for him.

I am laughing at all those insisting he hasn't got parents, only a wife... the OP has skyped with him with his parents in the background. I suppose he's hired some elderly actors to play the part whilst his wife is at the supermarket....

OP you are worth far far more than this. His parents sound very unpleasant to be honest. And as for the Mum being 78. I have a friend who is 77 and she plays tennis twice a week. Are they genuinely infirm or do they lay it on thick for the benefit of their son?

There's a book written by the writers of Sex and the City called "He's just not that into you" and a very dear friend bought it for me when I was going through a bad time in a relationship.

It really was a lightbulb moment.

Read it. www.csce001.com/edit_zoop/uploadfile/system/20150408/20150408135124130.pdf

Ninkaninus So if one isn’t ‘young and attractive’ one ought to be content to be thrown a crumb..

MollysLips

"At the moment, you're driving 40 miles to see him every weekend. Stop doing that."

He drives to me. Always has. I never go to his. What I was saying was, IF I want to see him durng the week now, I would have to drive over there and sit in a cafe or something.

"But I have a life, too. And while I wait for you, I'm neglecting it."

Ah, I could not say that to him because he knows it's not true. I don't neglect my life at all: when I am not with him those few hours I am busy the whole time. I lead a full life as a single lady, doing things alone or with friends.

If your man is working but living with his parents, he must have a bit of cash saved. Could he buy or rent a small house near theirs, so he's always on hand but independent? Or if he likes DIY so much, maybe he could convert part of the house as a granny flat for himself?

His parents sound selfish, but it's understandable if he has been available for so long. In their position, I would be terrified of being shunted off to be patronised in an old people's home just so my son can have a shag with some woman who hasn't even had the politeness to come and meet us in three years. And I would hate random carers coming at inconvenient times to do jobs in a way I don't want them done.

My sister has carers: most of them cannot cook simple things (like a tin of soup with homemade dumplings) without supervision, when asked to clean the work surfaces in the kitchen they wipe about half of them with a wet cloth without anti-bac, they take 45 minutes to change the bedding because they're upstairs texting friends and one of them put the quilt cover on inside out because she was too lazy or stupid to do it properly.

But it does sound like, as others have suggested, that your man is too comfy and has no real reason to change the status quo. Start by getting him to invite you there. Don't put his parents on the defensive or demand immediate changes (yet), but scope out the home situation and see what practical options there might be.

I agree with pp that he needs some counseling to give him the emotional support to stand up to his parents. I bet that his parents are using biblical texts out of context to manipulate him into doing what they want.
See if there are any Christian counselors he could see but make sure that they have proper qualifications and adhere to BACP code of ethics

Ninkaninus "So if one isn’t ‘young and attractive’ one ought to be content to be thrown a crumb...."

That is NOT what I said or implied at all. Why are you twisting my words?

I said if you are young and attractive you have a much wider choice of men because that is exactly what men like: young and attractive. Nobody can deny that. With each passing decade fewer and fewer men are interested (or interesting!)

Well, are you happier with him than without? That's the nub of it really.

when I am not with him those few hours I am busy the whole time. I lead a full life as a single lady, doing things alone or with friends.

You're not that busy if you have time to speak to him 3 times during the day and then for over an hour every night. It's actually more like you're just filling in the hours between his calls.

Don't you see? He's too comfortable in this present situation. He has you on the end of the phone whenever he likes. He gets to know your every movement. There's no mystery or longing or missing you or worrying he'll lose you - and that's what makes people take action.