Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

"Which is why I am still single: I don't take any shit from [men]."

But you are! It's very easy to be "kind" when it doesn't actually involve any significant sacrifice or inconvenience on his part. He is not being decent, caring, loving or kind to you. There is more to love than saying the right words, throwing money at the problem in the form of presents or "thoughtful" cards etc (if indeed that's what he does).

My ex Mil had a man like this - not the caring responsibilities part but he was silky smooth in telling her what she wanted to hear whilst his actions told a different story. The same thing is happening here. Whether he has a secret family or not is irrelevant - he is making himself as physically and emotionally unavailable to you as if he had a wife and children.

On the plus side, a 40 mile round trip in a car does not sound like a big obstacle; I have driven much further than that for good sex.

Omg mum could go on for another 20 years ( even with health issues!)

I think you need to cut your losses. Yes he may be a lovely man but he does not prioritise or value you, religious or not he gives you little respect and treats you badly giving you the crumbs of his life.

He is weak there are many ways around this but he has to be prepared to make a stand....which he doesn't appear to want to do. So unless you want 6 hrs a week relationship for the next 20 years it's time to say goodbye.

Yeah... But it's NOT a trap though. He's allowing it to be one. He could easily take back his freedom if he really wanted to.

God, don’t sell your house to move somewhere grotty!

See now this is where I become suspicious.

I can believe that someone might live with their parents and feel unable to move out. But the separation of your lives is what makes me suspicious that there actually are no parents. It’s very convenient to say that they refuse outside involvement by anyone and don’t welcome outsiders into their lives, their homes or anything because that ensures that you will never ask questions, will never seek to meet them, will never go to the house or call him there because you have been led to believe that this will make life difficult for him.

If he claims he’s previously had relationships etc and has lived independently then the level of involvement he has at this stage makes no sense what so ever. It would make more sense if he’d always lived with his parents, but the fact that he hasn’t doesn’t add up to his now being trapped on a level where a partner is not welcomed in the house and he has had to put measures in place to ensure that she never questions or seeks to be involved in his actual life.

Sorry but I would put money on you being the other woman and his parents actually being a wife or partner, or even that he has a wife or partner which they know about. After all, apart from those six hours a week, how often do you speak to him? Every day? Several times a day? If he were taken ill would you even know?

Remember, you could put up with this for 20 years until both parents have died, then discover that actually he likes having a separate life, with a girlfirend he visits for limited times and sex, but not having to share his life with.

You are both actively chosing this lifestyle. If it doesn't work for you, thats an insane thing to do. You might find his lifestyle does work for him and he's not trapped at all, regardless of what he says.

If he wanted to he could walk away.
He doesn't want to.

If you're satisfied they do exist and he's not stringing you along, ok. However I would still not pursue the relationship, unless I felt very sure I could be ok with just a few hours a week and presumably occasional sex. Not on the basis that you will be together in the future. He's told you clearly what his priorities are and it would be stupid of you to assume they will change. You also have to assume this is going to be a long term commitment: his mother is only 78, she could easily last another couple of decades. Not especially uncommon for the very elderly to outlive their children.

In your case you're clearly not happy with the situation at the moment. Do you think you would be happier without him or with potentially doing this for the rest of your life?

Regardless of whether it is being spineless, a sense of duty or the prospect of large inheritance keeping him there, they are not holding a gun to his head and he has decided that whatever it is, it is more important than being with you.

He doesn't love you enough. That's it really. If he did, he would not want to see you unhappy and, more importantly, he would want to be with you.

He's not trapped. He has made a choice to throw his life away in favour of his parents demands. He shouldn't be asking them if they will accept outside help, he needs to just tell them it's happening and then go ahead and organise it. It's up to them then if they get on board or chose to try and manage themselves. He needs to make himself less available. They are ruining his life and he needs to stand up to them or he could be left a lonely old bachelor with little hope of building a meaningful life for himself by the time they die.

Ok so he’s not married but he might as well be. There are 2 other people in his life that come before you and will until both die at the very least
Either be satisfied with the crumbs you get or move on, he won’t change things - he could but he won’t and even if he did he would resent you for “making “ him

You're selling yourself really short here for what is a 6 hours a week relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. It also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

He is a boomerang person who after a period of living away moved back into his parents house. He is not going to leave there now easily if at all. On some level it suits him to live there; he has all his basic needs met and he most likely does not pay them any rent either.
He can and indeed is using the obstacle of his parents to not get any more serious with you.

If this person is really the man you've been waiting for all your life then I have to consider what your boundaries in relationships are like because they seem way too low here to me. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works.

Plenty of people would feel that kind of obligation, it’s not unusual at all for single people in particular to become completely enmeshed in their parents” lives like this; Fear, obligation, guilt. It’s incredibly difficult to break out of that dynamic. It’s hard enough if you want to and if you don’t want to it’s impossible.

I’ve seen it myself.

I don't really understand why you haven't met them as they are a major part of his life. At least then you could spend more time together if you actually spent some time at his.

Sorry, I think he needs to stand up to his parents and also his parents need to appreciate he needs a life of his own. They sound awful, I would never want my kids to lead such a narrow life.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

No.

Don't sell your home.

Even if he wants to change this situation he doesn't want it enough.

You will always come second while he has a parent who is alive, can you wait until you are 80 for a normal relationship. One where you come first? Where your needs and wants and his are mostly the same?

I wouldn’t want to meet them. I have no desire to become enmeshed in that kind of unhealthy dynamic.

They (the parents) cannot claim carers allowance unless they individually care for someone themselves.

It is your boyfriend that has to claim it and they have to receive a qualifying benefit in order for him to be able to claim and receive it.

Who told you that it was them that had to claim carers?

He wants the house. He will not change. It's a sunken loss fallacy.

What you want is not what he wants. It’s as simple as that. You want him to live with you. He doesn’t want to.

So you are all unanimous then, which tells me a lot.

Thank you to everyone for applying yourselves to my situation and giving your thoughts.

I feel that I know him well from many thousands of intimate conversations over 3 yrs that led me to the opinion that he is too kind, too caring, and is being exploited via guilt and religion and emotional blackmail.

In response to so many other questions ... gosh... he says that I am his lifeline, that seeing me means all the world to him, because he hates his situation so much - and the way he acts backs this up. He is a very sincere person.

Someone asked "what do I get out of this"? Well, I feel that I have "someone in my life" instead of no one at all. I dislike most men, but this one I do truly love. I love being with him, the only problem is, I want MORE of it and I can't have that. If I wasn't involved with him I would not be with someone else. That never happened in all these years of dating. Most of them are just horrible.

If the choice was laid before me -- him or another man I like/love as much but was available obviously the latter would be the choice. But it's not like that when you are 60. I suspect you ladies are all young and attractive and have the choice of many men, and so, yes, I can see why you would chuck this one to the wall.

I'm very grateful for ALL the replies, thank you so much. The unanimity that I am a total mug and he is a spineless wimp is quite sobering, tbh.

downcasteyes seems to be the only lady who has any sympathy for my boyfriend and can see that he isn't a rogue but someone who is being abused. Thanks for that :-)

Plenty of people would feel that kind of obligation, it’s not unusual at all for single people in particular to become completely enmeshed in their parents” lives like this; Fear, obligation, guilt. It’s incredibly difficult to break out of that dynamic. It’s hard enough if you want to and if you don’t want to it’s impossible

Yeah, I agree with this. I think some pp are being a bit simplistic about what it is like for him. He probably spent his whole life effectively being groomed by what sound like manipulative and deeply selfish parents. But they are his parents. He wouldn't be 'free' if he chose you. He would have to live with a deep sense of guilt - that his parents would undoubtedly play on continually.

Like I say, I have a friend in a situation like this with her brother.
She deeply resents the all consuming effect it has had on her life. But she feels unable to walk away because she knows the impact that will have on her brother and the guilt of causing that is overwhelming for her.

Having said all that, OP still needs to decide what she wants to accept.

The unanimity that I am a total mug and he is a spineless wimp is quite sobering, tbh

Its not unanimous. I don't think this. I am old enough and have had a varied enough life to know that things are rarely this simple.