Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

cruelstepmother

"just so my son can have a shag with some woman who hasn't even had the politeness to come and meet us in three years..."

I don't get why you would post such a nasty thing to me. I explained why I have not visited and it's nothing to do with a lack of politeness. And this has got nothing to do with "shagging".

I said if you are young and attractive you have a much wider choice of men because that is exactly what men like: young and attractive.

With this logic, you'd be better off cutting this one loose because you've already got 3 years older while you've been waiting on him. Every minute that passes just narrows the field even more.

You're not getting anything of any real substance out of this so why are you apparently willing to accept crumbs from this person?. Is this all you think you deserve from being in a relationship with a man?.

I would agree that he needs counselling - but he is unlikely to entertain the idea. On some level it suits this man and his parents to be living like they are; they are getting what they want out of the relationship.

Do you have sex with him on the Saturday visits?

I can understand where you are with wanting to spend more time with him etc. The main question you asked in your original post was should you sell up to be closer so you can spend more time together. I fear that may backfire as the DPs clearly resent you already if you moved closer they would not be happy at you taking more of his time and the relationship could crumble as a result.

You clearly love your house and garden and have an active social life. I think until he is able to give you more of himself I don't think your situation will realistically change, but I agree with your best friend and urge you to not sell your house.

Enjoy your friendship with him, but be realistic that unless he becomes more assertive with his parents your situation is unlikely to change, even if you do move closer. Please don't feel that this it, your one chance at love, you are only 60 that is not old, but enjoy it for what it is.

Okay fair enough. I only read the quoted bit so maybe there was more context to it.

But in the context of this specific situation I think that’s a terrible attitude to take. If I cannot find a man who is free and available and able to love me in the way that I need, I will be happy alone until he comes along, or happy alone without one forever if need be. I won’t be settling for some sad existence of pining for a man who supposedly loves me. It’s horrible to be lonely in a relationship. I’ve been there and I’ll never go back to it. I’ve also been alone for years at a time before, and I could do it again if I needed to.

We are the same age, OP and I spent 15 years as an only child caring for elderly parents. That situation has just ended, very recently (the last one died). I had to contend with an awful, awful lot of FOG, too. One of my parents - the last one left - would have absolutely loved me to be there all the time, and constantly complained about being lonely and feeling abandoned. There was even a suicide attempt. If I hadn't been strong, and fought the FOG, I would have been totally sucked in.

I certainly didn't escape scott free. I spent the 15 years trailing up and down the country, doing regular visits, and to a large extent it did wreck my life. However, I maintained a home with my partner, and I did hang on to a lot of my old life. I put carers in place, and farmed out the stuff like gardening and house maintenance. What I went for was a compromise - a situation in which I was still doing far more than I wanted to do, but which did leave me free to maintain a proper relationship with my partner. I hope you can somehow persuade your boyfriend to do the same.

I can totally understand what your boyfriend is feeling, having been there myself - although my parents weren't as demanding as his. His sound really toxic.

The most valuable thing I have to say to you, as a result of my own experience, is that your boyfriend needs to be made to realise that now, the situation of his childhood is reversed - he is the adult, and they are the children. It's his place, now, to take charge and tell them how things are going to be.

I think downcasteyes has the most sensible take on this situation, and I hope you will follow her suggestions.

Good luck, OP. Come back and tell us how you get on. I really want to know - I feel for you.

And I did also think to myself I wonder if I should check if it was the OP who is being quoted there. If it was I was going to word it more gently but my ire got the better of me so I apologise. I thought it was someone else saying that to you and I was cross on your behalf!

Oh actually, sorry - we're not the same age, OP. I'm the same age as your boyfriend - not that it really matters.

If he's 56 his parents might only be early to mid 70's this a ridiculous situation. I doubt very much they want him to have no life and be some sad single lonly old man once they die in 20 or so years. Why do they even need carers? My mother is 80 and her friends are older, they live very well with no help from daily carers, some have a cleaner and theres a gardener.
You need to have a proper visit with him and his parents, you may find he is the one who thinks he needs to stay so entwined with them as he knows nothing else.

They could be alive for another 20 years. I feel for him but I couldn't put up with feeling so second best.

And no I'm not a pretty young thing either.

The OP has put the age of the parents upthread. 77 and 80something.

I'm older than you OP. I would hate to be like this with my DCs. I've already told them to enjoy their lives and not feel beholden to me when the time comes. It's the height of selfishness for his parents to be like this.

I would lose all respect for him that he won't tackle the problem.

What he is doing is kind & admirable. But he/they should be allowed to employ some outside help & have time off
He has not changed in 3 years
The situation suits him perfectly, he continues to care for his parents & he spends brief time with you & has some communication with you. This status quo could continue for another 20, 30 years !
Personally, I would end the relationship, go traveling & meet someone new. You deserve a more exciting life.
Are you afraid of making changes too ?

OP, I haven't read all the other posters' comments, but what struck me is that you're in a similar (not the same; similar) predicament as your boyfriend: you are putting an aspect of your life on hold through a sense of commitment that curtails your own relationship autonomy. He jumps through hoops for them; you settle for less that you want with him.

I also wonder if a part of you feels the safety of your distance from him, even while you want more. You wouldn't be the first to feel ambivalent about getting close to someone who is simultaneously unavailable.

*than

RussianSpamBot

"Well, are you happier with him than without? That's the nub of it really."

I am happier to have him in my life than to not have him. I just want more of it.

I enjoy the short time we have together. We've never had a row because that time becomes precious. I like him phoning several times a day and is interested in what I am up to, and cares for my welfare, and advises me when I am in a pickle, and helps where he can.

There is nothing wrong with what we have, I just want more of it.

cruelstepmother

"Could he buy or rent a small house near theirs, so he's always on hand but independent? Or if he likes DIY so much, maybe he could convert part of the house as a granny flat for himself?"

None of these are possible. They can't run their house without his income - he has to pay 1/3 of all the utilities etc. He does not have the money to buy anywhere, renting ditto, and you can't DIY a granny flat - it costs thousands (architect, council planning, builders etc) that they don't have -- and for what? He would still be at their beck and call 24/7.

It's a bit hurtful reading some of these messages which try to find a sinister motive to everything he does. Even phoning me is twisted into controlling me or having me "on a leash". It's nonsense. If I am not in he doesn't call my mobile, he just tries again a few hours later, or else I call him when I get home. It's normal but people are trying to pathologise it. He also has no problem with me going on holidays or anywhere I go without him. In fact he is glad that I am not letting his imprisonment stop me from doing what I want.

I am grateful for the replies. They have helped me a lot but please don't be so nasty to him. Yes he's being manipulated and guilt-tripped by them and too stupid or weak or brainwashed by religion to stand up to it, but that doesn't making him a liar or evil.

Dad 87 mum 78

Realistically if his Dad has multiple health issues he is not going to live many more years tbh. Men go downhill fast, quite quickly.

If his Dad goes, the landscape might be different. At least it will break the cycle.

Most people here haven't been in this situation. I have. 7 years trapped. I won't go into detail, except I may as well have tried changing the course of a juggernaut, it would have been easier than changing one part of my parents insistence on carrying on as normal. A normal which was only possible with me as their full time carer.

7 years which left me a shadow of myself, and as each year passed it became even more impossible to change anything because it was all highly functional, wasn't it? Everything was fine. I actually got on pretty well with them. We were pals. As long as everyone, including me, ignored my needs. But that was far far easier than uprooting 2 people who were vulnerable and frail and scared to death.

And of course you have absolutely no idea it will go on so long. At first I thought they'd be dead within the year as of course these things happen in the first place because of a severe health crisis. 7 years! If I had any idea I'd have put my foot down in the hospital when things were being decided.

I was lucky. I was already married. He stuck it out. It was a living hell for him really, always at the bottom of the list. But he stuck it out. Thank god.

So when they died, I was FREE. And DH and I have had a wonderful life since.

So I wouldn't do anything hasty.

But however I would urge you to keep your house. Don't get sucked into their nightmare.

OK, here's a different perspective. My father died 2 weeks ago today. I have been his 24/7 carer for the past 2 years - living apart from my husband because we're actually resident in another country. Throughout that time, my husband has been amazing, and has been my 'lifeline' as your man puts it. I am so grateful that he allowed me to be Dad's support by never complaining about the situation, being there to listen to me when I railed against being trapped by it all (even though it was my choice), visiting when he could, and just being there for me. I believe our relationship has deepened as a result and I love him even more for it. Now I'm 'free' we're looking forward to doing our stuff - I'm around the same age as you, OP - and there's a lot of stuff we want to do!

It's your choice obviously, but I can understand how your man feels too - if he's anything like me he loves his parents dearly, despite their peculiarities, and probably feels totally torn in half by his desire to be with you whilst continuing to care for his parents.

If I were you, I'd continue with your active interests, decide if you can settle for a 6 hour a week relationship - if not, break it off with him, but don't ask him to give up his role as a carer for his parents. I could never have done that - or if I had I would never have forgiven myself. I wish you all the best in your decision.

The parents cope Monday-Friday when he is out at work. Surely he can give you the equivalent amount of time on Saturday and Sunday, not just the 6 hours you currently get.

Why not visit the parents and discuss why they are so selfish it with them. What's the worst that could happen? - that the relationship founders, like it's going anyway at this rate.

MollysLips

"You're not that busy if you have time to speak to him 3 times during the day and then for over an hour every night. It's actually more like you're just filling in the hours between his calls."

Why are you twisting everything? I said he calls several times a day, I didn't say that I wait in (I don't) or that I am in every time he calls. IF I am in then I answer. A lot of the hobbies I do are home based, as are domestic and garden work. If I am in, we chat. If I am not in, we chat later. Same at night .. if I am in, we chat. If I am not, we don't.

My mother is very demanding and claiming she needs all kinds of help from me and my sister, my mentally handicapped brother lives with her, so that does alleviate some things, but we were determined not to enable her demands on us, so we applied for attendance allowance on line. It was granted, and used to pay for a carer to go in in the morning, she refuses to let the carer help, but it means she has no argument to say she needs us to help, we arranged a cleaner, the poor woman is only allowed to clean certain areas, but again she can't complain about the dirty house, as it's her fault because of the restrictions she has put in place. My point is, if she really need help with these things she would allow the professionals to do their job, but by managing without them means she doesn't really need the help; and can't use my sister and I as unpaid skivvies.

This is not for you to change or for them to change, this is for him to change. You sound unhappy with the status quo, so does he. I would give him an ultimatum and a deadline. My demands would be that he starts to have some evenings and weekends away from them, that he tells them he will be moving out by X date, and that he prioritises living his own life. Within that he can do odd jobs and see them several times a week. Ultimatum and deadline, or you will regretfully walk away with a tear in your eye.

You could reman friends & you could find a new boyfriend. The boyfriend who is free to go on holidays, move in with you etc
You sound like you are putting your life on hold. Life is too short !

X-posted with Elspeth - but wanted to say - wow, 7 years! Bloody well done you. It was actually 6 years from when I first started being Dad's main carer - but I was able to go out and travel home for a week or so earlier in the 'experience' - it was just the past 2 years it was a 24/7 commitment. There are more of us full-time family carers out there than people realise!

He's not your ideal man, is he? He's an approximation of him. Your ideal man would be like him but able to deal fairly with you.

This is his situation, and you are powerless in it.

The only thing you can do is remind yourself that you are worth more - you are - and that you deserve more - you do.

Do not sacrifice your home and friends for him, especially as he won't sacrifice his for you.

If he were actually your ideal man, neither of you would be sacrificing anything.

You will find another.