Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

I do think he should contact social services to arrange a package of care to help reduce his burden, even if it's just meals and medications.

I agree he won't fully choose his parents over you, OP. Either accept this is the way things will be until they die or cut your losses. He does need to realise though that are unlikely to die at the same time though and this may well be his life for years to come.

Sorry OP but he doesn't sound a catch and it does seem you've woven a narrative that doesn't exist where is would be 'perfect' if not for his demanding parents.
He is an adult man, his decisions are his own and he can walk away if he wants, reduce time spent with them if he wants or any other thing. There is no 'trap' he has fallen foul of at all, though he clearly wants you to believe there is.

I would be very, very dubious about anything he says OP, you only know what he tells you and as you can tell from these responses you're getting, it's red flags galore that you've never been there once or met them. Visiting isn't going to have them drop dead fgs. If they were that I'll they'd need a lot more than occasional help from their son. He doesn't want you to meet them, he doesn't want you to go there. If they exist he has turned them against you, or more likely, made you feel they hate you so you won't ask further questions about going and he gets to keep it as it.

Have you really waited your whole life for this OP or do you just want it to work? Occasional meeting when it suits him, no life together, no holidays, second best to whatever he has going on with his parents. The biggest commitment he has is to securing his inheritance, which reflects poorly. He's not 'owed' anything for choosing to engage with his parents, bitching about them while waiting for them to die because they have assets, is a bad look.

I would go there and see his parents and see if my time was being wasted. Even of they exist he isn't offering a relationship and if I could shake you re:selling your lovely home and moving for this, I would. Please don't do that OP, listen to your friends counsel.

If it were right it would not have you bending over backwards to compensate for his lack of input. His lack of input is choice based no matter what he wants you to believe.

PS I don't think he is a spineless wimp. It's clear he puts his parents before his relationships, for better or worse. This is him.

Frankly I think my husband was earmarked for this role (as youngest of 4) had he not come to England and married me. It is an impossible situation. It is not going to change. The parents will die eventually and frankly if one or both need residential care that will take the equity in the house.

If your boyfriend really wanted to be with you he would. I am sorry, but social services could step in and advise about benefits and help if he asked them to. They choose to be helpless and dependent and he is letting them manipulate him.

I'm really surprised by the tone of this thread. There are plenty of "toxic parents" threads on here and I find it extremely easy to believe that a person could feel trapped by this kind of parental pressure, and are possibly struggling under a lifetime of emotional blackmail. It's very easy to say "if he loved you he'd just..." and all that, but I can well imagine it's almost impossible to do. The parents sound like difficult characters, and it sounds like they're making it very difficult for their son to have a relationship outside of his "obligations" to them without it being a "her or us" scenario, which means choosing between a 3-year relationship and, well, his actual parents.

There's also the possibility that this is compounded by a cultural expectation. OP when you say they're religious, are they by any chance Muslim?

I'm not saying he is blameless in this situation, but I feel the parents are the real villains here.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes OP. I think, sadly, this situation is too daunting to do battle with, without making enormous sacrifices as you suggested, so you would be better off accepting your lot (i.e. a relationship consisting of one afternoon a week, with no guarantee of more) or walking away. I've found it's an unfortunate truth that extreme kindness as you describe in your partner often comes partnered with being extremely passive and downtrodden, and you are in the best position to gauge whether you can see your partner summoning the assertiveness he'd need to extricate himself from this situation. It doesn't sound likely from what you've said so far.

I dont think he is a spineless wimp. I don't think he is trapped either. I think his life is exactly as he wants it.

I think there is an element of him being abused too. I work in care and in my experience elderly couples who live in their own homes seldom need this level of support. If they do the end of life would probably be quite close, not 10 or 20 years ahead. Lots of older people do have live in carers but they are rarely funded by Social Services because a lot of the stuff is domestic rather than care. If your "boyfriend" put your situation to the fore and didn't want to upset his parents he could go some distance forwards to achieve this. He could insist on proper holidays and a live in carer could be there while he was away. He could engage someone to do the domestic parts of the support for relatively small expense. Attendance allowance is not means tested, it is an entitlement if you fit the criteria. I think you could feel happier if he would do something, but for whatever reason he is unwilling or unable.I think you should end the relationship now. If he really wants you he will put his house in order and get back to you.

They sound as though they are very odd people, are either of them mentally unwell ? I do understand how this sort of situation can arise though, it is very hard to be firm with this kind of emotional manipulation. It also often falls to childless children to become the carer. Does he have any siblings ?

The only way forward is for him to be firm and to put some boundaries in place, to state that he will help as much as he can but that they also need to accept that he has his life to live too. It isn’t very caring to force your child to be with you constantly.

Does either parent have dementia ? My mum was in a care home close to me for the few years before she died, so I saw her very often, but she would still put a lot of pressure on me to be back the next day. I had young dcs so it wasn’t possible to go every day. If she had been well she would have understood this, it was only her diminished capacity, but it still made me feel hugely guilty that I wasn’t with her more.

I think he should have a chat with age concern, as this situation must be common. Also he needs to see that his parents have each other, they have had a marriage and a family life, and that if they love him they would not want to deprive him of that. I think there are either deeper issues at stake, or they are frightened of having no help and support as they get ever more frail.
I feel for you both op, what a difficult situation.

He like it the way things are, OP.

he says that I am his lifeline, that seeing me means all the world to him, because he hates his situation so much - and the way he acts backs this up. He is a very sincere person.

If you decide you're better off walking away, I would prepare yourself for lots of this kind of talk. I can well believe that he is sincere when he says this, but please don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed in turn. Whether or not he intends it, don't forget that this kind of language is what he's grown up with and lived with, and is how his parents have managed to entrap him. Don't allow yourself to be entrapped via the same mechanism.

At the moment, the situation works enough for him to be happy, or at least not miserable. You might be his lifeline. If you remove that, he might be forced to consider if this is working for him. You might find removing yourself from his life is the best way to make him realise how bad it is.

I can assure the OP that I am not particularly young or attractive, but I would not settle for an unsatisfactory relationship because nothing better was on offer. A single woman can have a very pleasant life, post-retirement, without any man in the picture.

I also think he is in an abusive relationship and FOG is a powerful thing. Even if he walks away from his parents and moves in with you, OP, they will put terrible pressure on him and your relationship from a distance. Whatever happens, please do not give up your home because this man may never be able to break away from his parents influence. You don't want to give up everything for him to find he can't or won't choose you. Protect yourself as much as you can.

I would say cut him loose, he needs to know that your no longer going to put up with the situation and if he’s not willing to make any changes then nothing will change.

He’s giving his parents far too much control over his life and by telling him that you cannot live like this so are ending the relationship, you never know it will make him realise what he’s losing and will hopefully make a change.

I don’t think he is a spineless wimp.

I think he is staying in a situation that has become unbalanced, that he resents but feels powerless to change.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing in and of itself to want to help his parents when they are old and infirm, but he has been swallowed up. You can’t change the situation, you can’t change him. You have only two options - accept the status quo (I don’t think you should do this as it is already making you sad and it will only get more problematic as you become more and more emotionally invested and feel more and more invisible), or leave him.

Suebnm we did not become au fait with the correct names of the State allowances because as soon as he mentioned to them applying to the State for help at all they immediately, forcefully, adamantly refused to ever "sponge" as they call it, on the State. Hence, no point in looking into what the allowances are called or how much you get or who applies etc.

beachysandy81 When you are younger, you need to forge a relationship with the in laws because you expect to have kids and they will be the grandparents. It's different when you are my age.

They resent me for putting subversive ideas in his head, and I resent them for stealing his life by emotional blackmail.

Someone asked "what do I get out of this"? Well, I feel that I have "someone in my life" instead of no one at all. I dislike most men, but this one I do truly love. I love being with him, the only problem is, I want MORE of it and I can't have that. If I wasn't involved with him I would not be with someone else. That never happened in all these years of dating. Most of them are just horrible.

If the choice was laid before me -- him or another man I like/love as much but was available obviously the latter would be the choice. But it's not like that when you are 60. I suspect you ladies are all young and attractive and have the choice of many men, and so, yes, I can see why you would chuck this one to the wall.

Sarah

I asked you what you got out of this and unsurprisingly your answer was very brief, nothing for instance like you feel respected or companionship. He being "someone in your life" does not count for much if anything really, its really the barest of bare minimum requirements.

Why is it that you dislike most men and state that most of them are just horrible (they are truly not, its the ones you have chosen to involve yourself with). This may actually stem from previous experiences of them and/or your childhood in particular. Were any ex's of yours abusive?.

Do you really love him or are you really confusing this with actual codependency on your part?. You also sound really isolated socially as well as lonely.

I am not all that much younger than you are actually and I strongly feel you are selling your own self well short here with this man now. Its sad for me to say that and I also write that as someone whose BIL moved back in with his parents and is still there with his mother in his late 50s. He does this because he can and wants to. Their dance of codependency is an ultimately destructive one.

I'd don't think you are or mug, and I've no idea if he is trapped or happy to be in the situation he's in. Either way though only he can change it. Don't sell yourself short.

Listen to @QuimReaper do not let your own precious life be sucked away into this co dependent mess.

I also don't thinks he's a spineless wimp - merely that your relationship serves his needs much more than yours and if he truly loved you he would acknowledge that he is not in a position for a serious relationship with anyone right now.

If your Bf really wanted to be with you he could be. If he does want this then he needs to tell his parents they need to have other care arrangements, whether they like it or not.
e.g.
1) Retirement Village living - they seem to be popping up all over. Lovely flats where you can opt for nursing care as appropriate with a hairdressing salon, bar and fitness facilities as part of the complex.

2) Carers coming in to help up to 4 times per day (doesn't sound like they need getting up or putting to bed atm but will make meals etc). If deemed necessary the local council will contribute/pay depending on income.

3) Hire the services of a handyman, gardener, cleaner, rather than bf doing it.

4) Equity Release - to pay for 2) or 3) above.

If they say no and your bf just accepts his life as it is then he may be just either very weak or very money-grabbing (waiting to inherit their home). Either way, not good partner material.

He's made it clear that you're never going to be his priority. He's the only one who can extricate himself from his parents and he hasn't chosen to do so. Walk away

QuimReaper No, Christian. So called.... Hmph!

Had your boyfriend married, had a home, had children, his parents would not have expected him to be their live-in housekeeper, head cook and carer. Even if there had been an expectation, he would have had to say no. At which point his parents would have had to make alternative arrangements.
THis is no way for either of you to live. He should not spend the rest of his life looking after them, and you should not spend the rest of yours waiting for him. I don’t think ultimatums are normally a good idea, but in this case it may well come to that.

Oh - and I'm 64 and single OP - and no way would I endure this 'relationship' for the sake of having a man. You don't actually have him at all, do you?