Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

Oh I definitely agree with you. I was just trying to provide a counterpoint in case the OP bristles at the idea that he’s not in love or doesn’t value her. He probably does, on some level.

Yes, I think it is relevant whether or not he’s basically treating this like a FWB arrangement, while OP is thinking of them actually being properly together.

Let's hope OP comes back with some answers, or at least that she's doing some digging. There is so much to speculate on, even from her few posts.

I think that at 50 if he broke up with someone and after 30 years of working and presumably his wife working he had nothing, he doesn’t mention children or any commitments or even a hobby.

This alone would set huge alarm bells ringing.

I would want to know exactly why they split and why they ended up with no money.

I would be interested in if he ever did have a partner/wife in the first place.

I know a guy who according to his mother and him he was so hurt about a break up when he was in his 20s that he never had another gf.

Thing is I knew him from his teens and throughout his 20s, he is in his 50s now. Still living with his mother and has to my knowledge and anyone who knew him has never had a gf or relationship with anyone.

We suspect he is gay and although we wouldn’t bat an eyelid I feel he is wound up too tight to come out.

He would ask out girls and women who were patently unsuitable we think just to show he had asked someone out and he was unlucky because no one would go out with him. We tried to stop him once when he asked out a woman sitting at a table in a restaurant. Her husband had just gone to the loo.
He hides behind what ever is a convenient cover. Atm his mother is ill so he is her carer and will be her carer for how ever many years that will take and then he will blame the fact he had to be a carer on the fact he has no friends or his own family.

I am around your age op.

Personally I would rent my house out and go travelling and really enjoy the fact you have friends, a pension and your own home.

I wouldn’t be waiting for years, hanging around waiting for him to make time for you.

Life is too short and do you want to be in the same position at 70 or 80 because usually these people who act frail out live us all.

Go and spread your wings and meet someone who thinks you are number 1

@Oliversmumsarmy the thought he might be gay had crossed my mind. As you say, no one would bat an eyelid - but he may not be happy with his sexuality. Hope OP isn't a beard!

This is all speculation, however, as we have so little to go on. OP won't say if they have a sexual relationship.

Oliversmumsarmy my cousin had a bad breakup in his early 20's and he never entered into another relationship. He's now 59 and has lived on his own since his parents died.

My cousin isn't gay.

OP I really feel for you and can sense your frustration.

Could you describe a bit more about your boyfriend's feelings? I mean, does he love his parents? Does he like them? Does he enjoy his life? I would have thought he would be exhausted and depressed but apparently not??

You mentioned that you asked if you two could have a night away and he explained his difficulties and so you never mentioned it again. I am wondering how much you have spoken about the situation together? Does he have any idea how difficult this situation is for your relationship?

The thing which stuck out to me was when you said he is the most kind and caring man but I really don't think he is being at all kind and caring to you! And he does sound like a wimp, I am sorry but he really does need to start the ball rolling for change, otherwise he will be 76 and will have missed his last years of health.

Sorry for the essay . I really do hope he can change.

TroysMammy what I was trying to point out was the break up was a complete piece of fiction. He didn’t have a relationship to break up

I was wondering whether the ex in this case actually existed or it is just something to say to not actually admit he hadn’t had a relationship before.

If he had his own life then after the break up I doubt he would have chosen the path he has done

Only on mumsnet would a man trapped being an unpaid carer (a situation faced by a huge number of women and sadly children too) be so thoroughly vilified and accused of lying, having a secret family, using a woman for sex, being a wimp etc.

Wow.

He isn't trapped though. He is trapped because he won't tell them no. They have the means to get their own care. They've told him he can have his life after they've died, he might die before then himself, yet he has kept quiet.

@Hopoindown31 he works full time. He only appears to be 'trapped' when OP wants to spend more time with him!

Hopoindown31 trapped is “I live with my parents and because they are infirm I can’t currently see a point where I could leave them to pursue a long-term relationship outside their house, but feel free to come over for lunch/to spend the night/let’s go to the theatre over the weekend.”

a point where after three years the OP has never met the parents because they don’t welcome outsiders into their lives and nnever leave the house other than for hospital appointments, where he has never spent the night with the OP because he “has to make his parents’ dinner/put them to bed/spend four hours a night, every night, doing DIY and decorating, has never spent more than six hours a week outside of work time with the OP and yet has 40 hours a week when he can spend at work is bloody suspicious.

^ Indeed the op only has one version of events. I wonder how his parents view the set up?

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/financial-support/help-with-benefits/carers-allowance?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIiMfptPSO4gIVWfBRCh3B_Q3kEAAYBCAAEgK4rvD_BwE

Having had to care for an old relative myself whilst working a 40 hour week I can tell you that the time you have available where you are not shattered is vanishingly small. I was doing mornings before work and also dinners and bedtime. I certainly wouldn't have been in the mood to drive 20 miles anywhere and although I wasn't live in I was 'on call' incase said relative had trouble. Luckily it wasn't a long term thing (well not that lucky as the relative passed away) but it was very limitng on what I could do. Even if funds are available getting care teams in place can often be a difficult and drawn out experience.

Casting aspersions on people in these kind of situations shows a lack of empathy tbh. Obviously the fact that this person is a man and his situation is inconveniencing a woman then he obviously deserves this kind of character assassination...

Of course the guy needs to start standing up for his own life but it can be very difficult when you are put in a position where you feel aged or infirm relatives are reliant on you, especially parents.

I would recommend some caring support to this man if she wants to help him get out from this situation, stamping your foot and giving ultimatums won't work and neither will accussing him of all sorts of nasty things either.

OP, have you ever had sex? Is it possible that his reticence is in that department? He may have a physical problem?

@SarahPickles - I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to post as I feel you are being given a hard time by many of the posters.

Ignore anything that isn't helpful.

I suspect that if you posted on gransnet you would have received a whole different response.

In many ways your relationship with this kind, genuine man does sound perfect. You get to do all the things you want to do. You get time and space and freedom and don't have the nitty gritty annoying things that many people get with a living together relationship.

There are also many people that are single and would welcome the opportunity of a fulfilling relationship with a kind man.

Perhaps concentrate on what you do have and let go of thinking about what you haven't. Perhaps you already do have the best of all possible relationships.

The trouble is, though, Inner, is that I don’t think OP is happy. She’s not unhappy as such, but from I read, has reached a stalemate situation. She wants the relationship to move forward, for him to show a bit of commitment to her, to spend more time together etc, which is natural after three years together. He is refusing to, due to the stranglehold his parents have over him.

I suspect he is a kind, genuine man who means well, and has done right by his parents. However, Oliversmummy raises a lot of valid points, about how he came to this situation at this stage in life. Why is he letting his parents control his life upon this way? Why is he beholden to them? Is he a kind, generous son, or a wimp?

I think the relationship has reached a crisis point. Op has three options

1. to continue as they are2) to make changes in the relationship, or 3) to walk away

Op, you're the same age as my mum. She has a new boyfriend and teenage children (2 of my siblings). She isn't old and neither are you! She gently mortifies us all by still going out to clubs/concerts/pub crawls.

You are talking as though you're old and have no choice in partners. You actually sound really nice and interesting and I think you would be surprised how many men would be interested if you decided to do something like online dating (obviously would have to just weed out the time wasters). You aren't limited to this boyfriend or nobody else ever again.

I agree his parents are extremely selfish and do appear to be quite manipulative. They know that refusing to let anybody else help them means he will do it all. Is there really no chance that he can claim carers allowance and use that to hire some help? Maybe just someone to do the garden at first as they don't want people in the house and work up to a decorator?

Dmil has had 3 bfs since DFIL died 12 years ago.
Dmil is 92.

It really boils down to what you want for your future.
You say you're happy with your life, but would just like to see more of him.
If nothing's changed in 12 months is that ok? How about in 5 years, or 10?
Realistically, nothing's going to change on his side.

Also, you've mentioned the time other couples spend together.
A normal situation for a working couple could be being home by 6:30/7 weekdays, bed 10:30/11, so x4 hrs daily, and around 30 hours awake time together over the weekend. So maybe 50 hours a week. (A semi-retired couple could obviously spend a huge amount of time together.)
And of course, going to bed with and waking up with your partner, and the comfort of them being there all night.
If this is what you're looking for, you won't get it with your BF. If after thrashing it out on here you decide you're actually happy with the status quo, then accept it and stop blaming the parents. He is the only one with the power to change the situation. The only thing you can do to change it is end the relationship, and you really don't seem to want that.

Agree with VforVienetta. Being in a long-term relationship is not really about going out, it's about staying in.

It's not really satisfactory as a long-term prospect for the OP to keep meeting her friend in a coffee shop etc. Stolen moments can be very exciting, but at the end of the day everyone wants someone to slump on the sofa with and watch Line of Duty.

@Oliversmumsarmy

Go MIL!!! 😃

She plays a lot of Bridge.