Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

You could both move in with his parents

Lots of people his age need to be carers for aging parents, but throwing away your life to be one is a choice, not an obligation. I suspect he prefers the arrangement just as it is.

My mum was the sole carer for my grandparents. She did it while working full time, with a long commute, being a single parent to me and living 1.5 hours away. She was there nearly every day and hired in help when she couldn’t be. And she still dated, still travelled, still had a life. If they are well enough to live another 10-20 years, I can’t imagine they need 24 hour care. It sounds like an avoidance/control tactic. Beyond that, I can’t imagine any relationship lasting 3 years where you’ve never been to his home or gotten close to his family.

They sound incredibly selfish and he sounds like a martyr, to be honest. Why has he never broken free of them? Was he living with them in his 20s, 30s, 40s? Why?

I would enjoy your lovely home and your retirement and make other friends. This man could be hanging around with his parents for another twenty years.

If he is "trapped" its only by his own complete and utter lack of anything resembling a spine. There's a very good reason he's still single at 56.

You have a "relationship" of 6 hours a week. In your shoes I'd wave goodbye and find something more fulfilling to do with my time and leave him to his parents' apron strings.

Are they infirm?
Incapable of cooking?
How old are they?
This seems very odd.
Very few parents would want to burden their children like that.
He has to live his life.
Sod what they say.
He needs to contact adult SS and other organisations and get this sorted.
He can't live like this indefinitely.
They are truly selfish.
But..... He isn't standing up to them either.
Cut him loose and find someone who you can share these years with.
This guy is not that man.

He's not going to change. If he can leave them while a work he can leave them fir more time with you.

Make your retirement fun, go travel or whatever you enjoy but don't waste more time waiting for him to come round.

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that he is codependent. It makes so sense otherwise. Has he EVER lived away from them? Had he ever had another relationship?

Either way, I would be extremely wary for continuing a relationship with such a weird set up.

I am new on here and struggling with the interface and keeping up with all the questions asked of me ....

Singlenotsingle

"Have you visited, introduced yourself, socialised with them at all? What happens at Christmas? Do you spend it on your own?"

They don't like outsiders coming in "poking their noses in". They are frail and have multiple health issues. They do not socialise with anyone and only leave the house to be taken back and forth to doctor and hospitals. I do not feel that I want to push myself on them when I know they resent me and hate outsiders invading their home. There is no need for me to get friendly with them; it's not like I'm going to bear them grandchildren.

Christmas he spends half a day with me and half a day with them, both Xmas Day and Boxing Day and New Year's Day.

So despite the fact you have the landline number and the address you would never actually feel comfortable going there which means that you don’t actually know for certain that these parents exist.

OP wake up. At worst you are the other woman and he’s married. At best he doesn’t love you anyway and you don’t feature in his life’s plan. Plus a man who still lives with his parents at the age of 50 odd is no catch.

Get rid. I promise you he won’t care if you walk away now.

Absolutely do not sell your home. Never, ever do that for someone who doesn’t really value you very much.

It’s awful, but I think you will need to let him go. The situation is untenable - it’s really not fair on you, and he is unwilling or unable to make any adjustments to his side of things. He is trapped, because rightly or wrongly he feels a duty to care for his parents. That’s not wrong of him, it’s just that he’s unable to find a better balance in order to fulfil some of your needs too.

I am not going to advise you to leave.
You do have to decide if you are prepared to accept what he is offering you at the moment. .

I have a friend who feels trapped with caring for her brother. Its destroyed her mental health but she feels unable to walk away.

If I was your man I would walk away. I would not feel obliged to care for parents who clearly did not care for me.

But if he won't, you are left deciding if what he is offering to you is enough for you to accept.

I have to look at you in all this; what are you getting out of this relationship exactly?. What are your roles here?.

You are on a hiding to nothing with this person and you are wasting your time on him. He is really not the man you have been waiting for your whole life; he is mired in FOG up to his eyeballs re his parents. Your friend is right, do not sell your own property!.

My opinion on such matters is unequivocal (and I have some personal experience here in that my BIL lives with his mother). I have yet to come across a man (I am also including BIL here) who lives with his mother/parents and can also have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. Your relationship is unhealthy.

His primary relationship is with his parents and they are holding the house over him as an incentive to keep him with them; this may also not happen either. HIs parents may well decide to leave their property to the local dog shelter or some other charity; its certainly not a given they will leave this to their son.

He is also choosing to live with them as well. He’s living there because he wants to. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle of his parents. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or father or you weren’t as perfect as you should be. Such men too also tend to be emotionally unavailable and dodge any sort of commitment.

No relationship should be about using your efforts to prove to a man that you love him and you’re the woman to make him change, in the hope that one day he might reciprocate. You certainly shouldn’t have to have to concern yourself with getting him out of his parents house.

I totally believe you OP. I don't think this kind of situation is all that uncommon, sadly.

The problem you have is not a practical one, but a psychological one. Your partner's entire life is being dictated by FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It's essentially a type of abuse: he is being made to feel utterly responsible for his parents' physical, emotional and material wellbeing. He is essentially unable to live a fulfilling, normal adult life because he is constantly being sucked into the role of a carer, in a way that leaves him no time or energy to be a partner.

I think your first step needs to be to get him to a counsellor to talk about this and to find what he actually wants. There needs to be a balance here between his filial responsibilities and his need to have a life of his own, and this will involve some changes to the routine. Psychologically, for someone who has been burdened in the way he has been, this will be very difficult to deal with and it is highly likely that there are all sorts of bullying behaviours involved. Hence the need for a programme of emotional and psychological support. Of course, all this is premised on his being willing to see the problem and to engage.

I have dealt with something similar but at a vastly reduced scale - bullying inlaws to whom my DH could not say 'no', however unreasonable the demand. We worked through it and things are now very, very much better. But it did take significant time and energy.

He's not going to change.
You are basically a mistress, great for a bit of company (on his terms) but not good enough to finish his main relationship (with his parents instead of a wife).
If you are happy to be a bit on the side, then carry on, but I would let go on any ideas that this relationship can develop further.
It sounds like you have a nice life, go live it.

PS. I thought I was a confident women who didn't take any shit from any man....turns out I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 15 years....I had no idea until we separated and I emerged from the fog.

"They don't like outsiders coming in "poking their noses in"."

They don't like it because, at some level, they know what they are doing and asking is wrong and open to challenge.

If something happened to him, they would have to seek alternative help wouldn't they?
It's never going to be any different for you. Have fun in your retirement, travel, go abseiling.
Don't move, and don't sit in gloomy hotel rooms, measuring out your life in coffee spoons, waiting for his mobile to ring.

I honestly don't see a way forward, op. Your boyfriend doesn't have the balls to live his own life, and you selling your home would be total madness. It's very telling that your partner won't even work out a plan so you could at least spend weekends with each other. He's like a little boy when it comes to his parents.

it would be Attendance Allowance that his parents would claim. Carers Allowance would be claimed by your partner if he met the criteria.
Attendance Allowance is about the only benefit that is not means tested.

He's only trapped because he's chosing this life - which is the life he's always chosen.

I presume hes never lived independentally from his parents, never had a co-habiting relationship with a girlfriend. Never had more than someone he goes to their house to have sex with then leaves - bit like a mistress.

As he's 56, he's been an adult for 38 years. Yet not left home. While they might need him to care for them now, has he had nearly 4 decades of avoiding adult life? Having his mum cook and clean, do his washing/ironing, his parents paying the bills, sorting the DIY etc, and now are just expecting him to pay back some of that care?

Have they kept the house so he could live in it, whereas if he'd left home at 18 they might have sold it for something smaller/more suitable for them decades ago?

Is it only a problem now becuase they need him to care for them, when he's happily let them care for him for years?

Be careful about promising to be his new mum now his parents aren't able to care for him.

I have a friend in a similar situation to your boyfriend - in fact he's the same age and I wondered initially if it was the same person. He used to go on cruises with his parents while they were still able to travel because he was needed as a carer, he never once was able to do his own thing. He isn't in the best of health himself, but always puts his parents first. It's very sad to be honest. I don't think I would be willing to give up my lovely house though.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Yes he left home years ago like normal person, had normal relationships, a career, lived and worked abroad; it was only when they became incapable of managing alone they appealed to him and he gave up his own place and moved back in. He had no idea it was a trap. He seems to have done it as a spontaneous reponse to a need without thinking it through to the point of realising that he would be trapped for life. He's very big on "duty" and "doing the Right Thing". They are all very religious BTW.

hellsbellsmelons
Are they infirm? Yes
Incapable of cooking? One of them can a little.
How old are they? Dad 87 mum 78.

Has he always lived at home? His entire life? If so, that is one massive red flag. That is a man who has avoided the real world for decades. No way in hell is he changing now.

Sorry, cross post.

oh sorry OP- see you said he has lived independently!

But still, he's chosen this life. It isn't a trap, he's 56 and capable. It might mean losing his inheritance if they pay for care. It might be that he doesn't want that. (the living abroad thing and relationships - does he not own property and feels he needs his parents house?)

Stop calling it a trap, stop believing the same lie they are giving that he has no choice. This is a choice.

I would walk away.

I agree with your best friend. The way l see it you 1) accept it or 2) cut your losses. I can see why you don't want to accept this situation. As others have said it could go on for another 20 years and it doesn't sound like you are getting enough out of it. His parents sound controlling and smothering. Do they really require so much care and support from him? E.g. the endless DIY can't last forever. It’s unhealthy he can never have a break or go on holidays