Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

When I’m 92 I want to have three boyfriends. At the same time .

Well, it gives me hope

But also, mainly, for putting "bad ideas" in his head -- he stupidly told them it was ME who had suggested carers allowance and getting some respite for him.

This isn't stupid it's cowardly! Perhaps intentionally, perhaps part of his character that he isn't aware of, depending on how charitable you're feeling.

And it's a HUGE sign he'll play you off against each other in order to never take responsibility for his decisions, make tough choices or confront anything head on.

Please don't prioritise someone who won't / can't prioritise you.

Some really not very nice comments on here. I have a friend who is the female equivalent of OPs BF, and a bit younger. She’s spent 15 years looking after her DF and now her DM also needs care. She sees her on off BF (of the whole 15 years) once a week. She’s given up any chance of having children. She is totally trapped, and short of turning her back on her parents there is no way out. Sometimes life is messy and complicated.

escapingtothecountry

There is always a choice.

I really don’t believe that your friend cannot have a life and children and care for parents. Other people do

Like the 2 girls i mentioned. The doors aren’t bolted and the windows aren’t barred.

It takes guts and hard work to make a full on relationship to work.
I think for some hiding behind a parent’s disability can be the easier option than exposing themselves to the rejection or heartbreak going on dates or trying and failing at a relationship can bring.

The situation ops dbf is in though doesn’t add up.

How do you come out of a long term marriage without even a stick of furniture. Then go to living with his parents and taking a poorly paying job

If your bF is happy with the status quo then he has no reason for change.

If he isn't happy then counselling for him could really help move things forward.

How do you come out of a long term marriage without even a stick of furniture. Then go to living with his parents and taking a poorly paying job

I suspect the OP has gone now as this thread must have been quite upsetting. She's gone from thinking she has a good relationship with a lovely man, who she would love to see more of but can't because he's trapped, to having every aspect of that questioned. There may well be things about his situation that she cannot really share here, that would make more sense of this.

What I would be suspicious of is the lack of any corroboration of his situation from anyone else. It's very convenient for him that OP hates his parents and does not want to meet them. Personally I don't doubt that the parents are around - after all she's seen them on Skype. But I would like to know their version of all this and wonder if it really does fit his version.

I was more questioning his previous relationship, as far as we know no one has ever met the ex wife or if she actually exists.

He seems to have rocked up at this work place fresh out of divorce and with a complete career change and moved in with his parents as their carer.

I would hope the op doesn’t waste her life waiting because I think she could wait forever.

oliver . Yes. We all have choices. When my friends DF was first diagnosed with a debilitating illness that will eventually kill him he was given a year. 15 years on he’s still going. He has complex medical needs and requires 24hr care. She has the skill set to provide said care and ends up filling the gaps in his care schedule; probably 24-36 hrs a week, on top of her own job, which is 70 miles away from her DP house, and seeing her BF who lives 120 miles from her DP and occasionally getting to her own house which is 40 miles from her work (in the opposite direction to DP). Sure she could walk out, say to DF she wasn’t going to care for him anymore but she knows he would end up in an institution and die fairly quickly (all his faculties are in tact).....and she’d live with the guilt. It’s not much of a choice, is it?

escapingtothecountry
Your friends problem seems more to do with geography.
It would be simpler if she moved nearer to work and her df and dbf moved in with her.

How many hours per week does she spend travelling between bf, work and df?