Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Yes yes to work mode! I do lots of presentations and meet lots of new people through work. In fact Mr Big told me his first impression when we met was that I never stop talking!!

Just had a tiny swipe in Spain. Gorgeous men but no good to me as away with family and kids 😂

@LilyRose88 what you are experiencing with this iron is a difference in values. He values money you don't if money is his highest value then it will never work between you in the long term as there will always be conflict as he will chase the money. He will perhaps rather spend his time making money rather than being with you, you will want other things a feeling of love for example.

@Notcoolmum I think we have only ever spoken on the phone twice, I don't feel I can just phone him. I also don't have a clue what I am going to say!

I want to ask him where he sees us heading, what we are. He told me he wanted someone to share his life with, it's still early days really but I feel like I'm sharing one evening a week with him and that is it.

@30somethingandsingle agree with notcoolmum, wait and do it in person or over the phone. So much can get lost in translation by text. Good luck though, I know it's a tough thing to do. Part of you wants to know and part of you doesn't, but either way you deserve to know how he really feels about you 🙁

@30somethingandsingle Why don't you speak on the phone? You've been seeing him for at least a couple of months now haven't you?

@JeSuisPrest I'm not really sure, communication has always been a bit lacking. I'm a bit like you and want the texts and phone calls, I want to know I'm on his mind. He texts in the morning and then we usually have a few messages back and forth in the evening, but that's it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not on his mind or because he is so laid back.

@vwman yes that is what concerns me. Values are very important to me and if money is his top priority we will not be a good match. Financial security is very important to me but I don't feel the need to tell all my potential irons about my finances as I consider it a more private topic.

I am still not 100% sure whether I want to go on the date. I know I could go for just one drink but it is the thought of all the anticipation, getting ready, setting my face when I walk in to the bar, and making small talk that is putting me off if I am already having doubts.

So I am going to delete my POF profile. It's ridiculous, I can't even use the word naughty without it getting blocked now, bed and sex are also prohibited words for me. I would understand if I sexted or was a sex predator but I am not.

Whether I start again on the app I am not sure, I know I should be on Tinder, never been on it, but I have such an aversion to judging and being judged purely on appearance.

A lot of women do read the bio on tinder @vwman it's not just on pictures for lots of us. And the last time I was on bumble it let people send pics so I'd be surprised if they blocked messages for language

@vwman is it POF that is blocking the use of those words in your bio or messages or is it users who are blocking you when you use those words in messages? If the latter, do you think you are sending the mixed signals to women in your messages? I only block guys who send very obviously sexual messages, is start out nice and friendly and then switch to double entendres or suggestive stuff.

Why would the words ‘naughty’, ‘bed’ or ‘sex’ need to come up in a POF message, @vwman?

And it’s obvious why they might be on a banned list on OLD. Because they are all words that would clearly be used by sex pests.

If I were constructing an automatic blocking list of words for messages on OLD, I’d have all of them on it.
Because I cannot imagine how an initial message including the word ‘naughty’ cannot be a clear indication of the direction a conversation would be going in. And I’m not interested in sexting strangers. or sexting at all really; it’s just not me

@Crustaceans @LilyRose88 its the messages

she says "what are your wishes in life (nothing naughty, thats for later)", I wanted to reply "of course I will not be naughty"

Or: "Goodnight I am going to bed now" very innocent

I just don't put out sexual messages

People ask 'what are your wishes in life?'

That's a bit deep, my irons ask what my hobbies are.

Yes. But you can probably see why they might get auto-blocked, even if you aren’t using them in a suggestive way.

@vwman so why does your reply get blocked if she has already used the word 'naughty'. Doesn't POF block her message too?

I can see why there is a list of blocked words as there are so many sex pests on those sites. Unless you have been on the receiving end of a barrage of filthy messages it can be difficult to understand the need to have processes in place to protect women from such unwelcome attention.

Maybe you could suggest moving chats into WhatsApp once you have made an initial connection, to allow you to use those terms in a non sexual way.

😂 @StealthNinjaMum.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone about their wishes for life.

Surely if naughty was banned vwman then her message to you would be banned too for containing the word naughty

Me thinks you doth protest too much

@crustaceans I am feeling really stupid because I wouldn't know how to answer that.

I'm more likely to get asked if I do anal that what my 'wishes are in life'

Shall I start new thread?

I can only think three things:

1. someone has hacked my account and has sent out sexually explicit initial messages which is being flagged up
2. POF are trialling some AI which is rubbish at identifying negatives and alternative usage of words
3. I am being so bloody stupid because I am upsetting women and not realising it

No it doesnt block her using the words just me

I do go to WhatsApp later if it progresses to an acceptance of a date but not necessarily to talk about sex

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3586776-dating-thread-159-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-now?msgid=87087187#87087187

New thread

See you on the other side