Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Newtothis2019 Did you have a conversation about it prior to seeing him on there? When you spoke about it did you explicitly ask 'Do you use Tinder still?' or did you just ask about the photo? Sounds like he's fudged the question a bit however you said it....that said, if neither of you had discussed ditching the apps he's not technically doing anything wrong. So, it might be worth a convo about exclusivity/ditching the apps?

Thanks for replying Crustaceans. I did talk to him once we had started to sleep with each other and said that I wouldn't be very happy if he was doing this with anyone else while he was with me. But I didn't talk to him about removing his Tinder profile. I am very new to all this and just thought he would as we were seeing each other. I guess I have a lot to learn about this OLD lark. I think a conversation with him is needed.

@Newtothis2019

Is there a chance you are giving mixed messages and he also thinks you are "shopping around" so why shouln't he - these two comments seem at odds with each other and I think you need to have a talk about your expectations now you're a few months in if you think you get on well and there may be a future?

"I made it clear that I didn't want anything too full on"

"It has made me think though that if you are seeing someone when would you expect them to delete their profile from dating site?"

@Newtothis2019 You may want to think about whether you want to reverse your position on not wanting anything too full on ahead of that conversation too. He may have formed the impression that he in a footloose and fancy free casual arrangement.

@Newtothis2019 "I wouldn't be very happy if he was doing this with anyone else while he was with me." Cross posted with your lastest update - what was his response to this statement from you?

high five for the cross posting same thoughts @JeSuisPrest

@SuperHairyArsedMan Great minds think alike fools never differ

I agree that you might have been giving mixed messages a bit. But mostly it sounds like a lack of clarity.

It’s just not very ‘British’ but OLD really does require you to make things explicit rather than working on vague assumptions. You do need to have a chat about being exclusive and removing profiles/deleting apps. And you do need to talk about what you’re hoping to achieve/where it’s going.

I think lots of people on the thread have been caught out a bit by this aspect of it initially.

Thanks for the responses everyone. When I explained that I wouldn't be very happy if he was seeing other people while he was seeing me and sleeping with me, his response was that I had nothing to worry about with him. I really couldnt have been any clearer when i said it. It may well be the case that I have nothing to worry about but it still doesn't sit comfortably with me that 3 months or so down the line he is active on Tinder still.

@Newtothis2019 Ia Lao think it’s one of those things you need to be explicit about with him.

I have been seeing someone for 2 months and we haven’t had the chat about Tinder status but I did make it clear I did t want to sleep with him if he was sleeping with others and he assured me he wasn’t so I guess I am trusting that he isn’t active on there any more. After being cheated on by my exh, I don’t think Tinder makes me any more mistrustful as he could go and meet someone else anywhere is he wanted to.

*I also think

newtothis it sounds like you will need a direct conversation with him. You have probably been a bit unclear yourself as you said you didn’t want anything too serious and created a new tinder profile.

lifegoes I read that thread. I’m not sure. I think I’m pretty nice and make someone a lovely Gf. But I know my deepest darkest thoughts and insecurities. Which is a bit offputting!!

@Newtothis2019 I agree. As a bloke wanting to make something last with someone, I would not be on Tinder at that stage of a relationship. Given what you've said and him telling you that you have nothing to worry about and it looking like a lie, I think you have a right to ask for honesty on his part. It seems clear that you don't want to live in each others pockets but that you, at least, do want an honest and exclusive relationship.

@Crustaceans I agree, I think we are all good people on here (from what I've seen) and I'm sure we would make a great GF @Notcoolmum I agree with you about it's hard, when you know your own faults really.

I’m think so too @lifegoes. It’s just a matter of everyone finding someone who is right for them.

Thanks Super, you've summed it up perfectly. I think though that whatever happens it's really put a dampner on things and although I never actually asked him to remove his profile after 3 months I would have thought that he would have done so if he saw any real future with me. You're right in saying I don't want to live in each other's pockets but I do expect honesty and not to be messed about. It's common decency

I've just found a condom at the bottom of my bin that missed the bag. Don't panic, lol, but it reminded me of MrWow's dramatic not very romantic gesture of throwing them away in front of me when we got back together. Similarly he deleted his dating apps in front of me.
Some might think that's a bit OTT but it was exactly what I needed to hear/see to know that we are exclusive/in a relationship.

newtothis it's disappointing but also not unusual I have to say

I am still not back on the apps but I really must make an effort soon! Mr Flakey is still lurking, we're talking often but in a friendship way, nothing emotional at all if you know what i mean but I will have to knock it on the head before I do the apps. We have quite a few things we booked (historically) coming up (weekends away) and we will need to decide to untangle them so I think that will bring it to some form of conclusion. In the meantime, I'm enjoying having a break and bizarrely, not missing men/sex!

I would date me btw! I think I'm fun and happy, don't have trust issues etc. I'm a bit like jesuis, we have discussed this before on things like timekeeping, organisation and messaging so I suppose that's the only thing that might be difficult for some people.

newtothis the first person I dated this time round kept his profile and his location updated regularly. We didn’t discuss exclusivity but I took that as us not being and I carried on dating. We saw each other for about 4 months but only about 7/8 times as we lived a distance apart. I should have ended things sooner really as multi dating (and shagging) wasn’t really for me.

oh and I'm sure there are more irritating things but given the list of irritating things I've seen in men on OLD, I think most of my annoying things pale in comparison!

@lifegoes

On a purely vanity basis, no. But ignoring that I’m not sure I would as I have a child, I’m quite shy unless I know someone quite well, I have little child free time and I’m a bit mental at times. I’d be sexually frustrated too 😂

What an attractive picture of myself!

I see we have another LilyRose on the thread - or LillyRose - welcome

I have a date on Saturday and am now managing to talk myself out of it. I am not sure whether I am doing a self-sabotage routine or whether I really should cancel. I have chatted to the guy in question twice on the phone and I am not really feeling it to be honest. He is a bit 'braggy' about how comfortable his life is and how much money he has. He has also mentioned in a bit of a braggy way that he gave his ex a very large sum of money when they split up and raised the funds by selling some property that he owned. He dropped into the conversation that she is still driving the (very expensive) 4x4 that he let her keep when they split up and he is not sure whether she will be able to afford the tax and insurance on it as she is not working. They have a child together who he sees regularly and he was quite braggy about how clever the child is, how much money the child will inherit etc.

I am comfortably off financially, but I never brag about money and I found his comments off-putting. But I'm not sure if I am just looking for excuses to cancel the date. On paper we have a lot in common and he doesn't live too far away. I am getting a bit fed up with going on dates and finding there is no chemistry, so having been put off by some of the conversations we have already had, I am even less enthusiastic about meeting him. So, wise ones on the internet, should I meet him on Saturday or cancel?

newtothis re honesty, I think it really has to be a frank discussion. There are also so many definitions of coming off the apps. You can deactivate your profile and delete the apps off your phone which still means it's there if you need it or you can totally delete your profile (which can be a pain as if it doesn't work out as you sometimes have to start from scratch). It's a minefield!

lily I would meet him if he's convenient. I find some men do the money thing because they think it impresses you. What they don't realise is in most cases it doesn't :). I do think in person people can be different so I think, if on paper it looks good, it's worth it but i TOTALLY get being fed up of no connection.

Would I date myself? Not at the moment.
I think OLD has sucked the fun out of me. I've realised that when I started I had no idea what I was doing. So I just enjoyed meeting different people.
I also had less work and more free time. So now I don't want to give up what little spare time I have, to go on another mediocre date.