Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

rich fantastic update! Sounds lovely.

NestofSwipers if I get any matches or messages then I have same problem. Trying to get a conversation going is hard work.
I usually just unmatch. You only have to look at the smitten bench to see that, if you get on then messaging is easy.

My new strategy is just to smile at men in coffee shops. Or accidentally walk into them like I did in Tesco yesterday. Unlikely to get me a date but less stressful than OLD 😀

@richdeniro So pleased for you, have a wonderful day together and enjoy the fuzzy feelings, you really deserve an amazing woman in your life. She's a lucky lady 👍

MyOldBrainStoppedWorking so I must be a complete idiot then when a woman dropped all her shopping in front of me yesterday and she smiled and said thank you when I went to help her pick it up. I could have had a moment over the frozen peas.

@vwman eyes locking over a bag of frozen peas and fingertips gently grazing against each other whilst the air fills with electricity is the stuff of fantasy for me and makes a great "how we met" story. Sounds much better than "I swiped him on Tinder" 😂

Blinkin eck!! I am on holiday so just catching up jesuis you scared me- phew

rich ah super pleased for you!

@JeSuisPrest it was a movie scene from my own Rom Com and I never realised

rich that's lovely. You and your new squeeze are very close neighbours to me ... I'll wave as I walk past the park .... 😂

JeSuis I'm glad you've found a counsellor - I've been having counselling on and off for years now - got me through the dying years of my abusive marriage, divorce and everything. It's so helpful.

That’s brilliant @richdeniro. Have a great day today.

On height, I measured myself last summer so I know exactly how tall I am. The reason I measured myself if that I met MrSG (who is not tall) and we are about the same height. He’s maybe a centimetre or two taller than me (which, I’ve decided, is the ideal height - it’s very convenient). I suspected from his photos on tinder that he wasn’t very tall, so him being short was not a surprise really. Although he is shorter than I’d suspected.

On our first date I asked him his tall he was and he said 5’6. I’d always thought I was just under 5’4 so I was wondering if he was over estimating (because men often do 😆). I measured myself and discovered that I am, in fact, just under 5’6 and MrSG is actually entirely realistic about his height.

I think it’s that I do actually stand taller than I used to. I’ve been doing lots of Pilates over the last year, and I think it’s improved my posture to the point that I do actually stand 2” taller than I used to.

So MrSG is pretty tiny. But he’s also very muscular, so he doesn’t feel tiny (if that makes sense). I think he could also ‘grow’ 2” if he stood up straight though.

Really pleased for everyone on the smitten bench, I am. And I know people in real life that this has happened for from online dating. So I have hope. I also know a few who met in real life, I met my ex through a hobby, but believe me, there's nobody currently at any club I'm in who's single and/or fanciable!! Not one of my friends knows any single men to set me up with. And those that do wouldn't wish them on me ("I know why he got divorced, Nest. Not a good idea.") So this leaves me OLD and old... My first date this year and I'm not feeling it. He's very "business like" in his messages and it's not any better. The strange (inconvenient) time also feels like he's shoehorning me in at his convenience. Going to cancel. I shouldn't feel dread about having a date. I'm not having one for the sake of it... 😢

@NestOfSwipers I personally think go. Your anxieties might be nerves and if it's the first date this year, see it as experience for what you like and don't like.

I wouldn’t go if the time is inconvenient. But I would probably just give it a go if you could find a mutually convenient time to meet.

OLD can be demoralising - but it does work for lots of people. It’s hard to find someone that’s right for you regardless how you attempt it. Especially in your 30s/40s/50s with otherwise full lives.

When I’ve been asked how I met MrSG (and said tinder), most people have made a comment about how everyone they know in a new-ish relationship met on tinder (OLD in general). Loads of people (including ones who’ve been together for 10+ years) have said that they met on OLD. It really is totally standard these days.

The ‘our eyes met across the frozen peas in Tesco’ situation is probably very uncommon in 2019.

Great update @richdeniro

I have half fallen off the smitten bench today.
MrFox has gone back to his distant messaging, I'm only seeing him once a week at the moment. Maybe I'm being needy too, but I want to see him more. Once a week just doesn't quite cut it. When I've tried to arrange to see him more he seems quite reluctant.
I feel like I'm not any kind of priority in his life 😏

I agree OLD is pretty much the way to go these days. It's the way that we all become so judgemental and potentially miss out on great matches. But then again, how many "Sliding Doors" moments do we encounter in real life? You'd never know that you'd walked past the perfect partner in Tesco. In a parallel universe, you would've dropped your frozen peas at his feet and started a conversation! Mind you, strike up a conversation in a shop these days and people start edging away...

OK, I'm going tonight...Mr Swiss.

I’m sorry to hear that @30somethingandsingle. Maybe it’s worth having a frank conversation. After all, you don’t have anything to lose from saying you want something more.

Good luck with MrSwiss, @NestOfSwipers.

It is hard to not become too judgemental. But you’re right, there are loads of potential ‘sliding doors’ moments that we might walk straight past all the time.

MrSG lived in the same area as me for several years. We probably walked past each other in Tesco/on the high street etc several times. In fact, we both spent a lot of time in the same coffee shops after our respective relationships broke up (at similar times) and we still had to uncomfortably house share with an ex. I was off work and avoiding any possibility of being in the house with my ex, and he was ‘working from home’ in Starbucks/Costa to avoid his ex. We probably sat next to each other several times. He did say that he remembers noticing someone who looked like me (and who he thought was very attractive) reading a book in a cafe near where he was working in his laptop several times. It may well have been me. But you just don’t go up to someone and say ‘hi’ very often in those type of situations.

So happy for you rich
NestOf - yey! It's a night out at least. Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised.
30something - I get you regarding the once a week date. It feels like you have to start over again getting used to them. I see MrWow twice a week, once mid-week and then Sat pm til Sun pm. It's just enough for us both. Any more and I'd feel suffocated, any less and I'd struggle to feel connected. Can you explain to him how it feels to you, with the risk he might pull out altogether?

nest l met my date last night at 6.30 and it was a good time,I didn't feel the need to over dress up like I do for an eve date,the pub was fairly empty and if it had gone well,we would of probably carried on in to the eve. But for me,no spark. Just look at it as meeting a friend for an hour.
I am getting nowhere on old, one chap is chatting to me and I said I need a couple of days off to recoup after last nights date. He said don't go for long as he enjoys my chats. I bloody hate all these chats! Just ask to meet me for God's sake!
Village man is texting a bit and says he maybe able to fit in that drink soon but I replied I'm very busy . I just cant be arsed with flakes. My new idea for my child free weekend coming up is doing a day time pub crawl with my dog?! Looks better than a random women on her own. I will see where all the men congregate! All my friends are busy so might try this 😃

@NestOfSwipers Good news that you are still going on the date. What have you got to lose.

@30somethingandsingle I don't think wanting to see someone more than once a week and expecting anything other than perfunctory messages is needy at all. Personally I want to know that someone is thinking of me even when we're not together, surely that's a sign that someone is important in your life - they occupy a small part of your brain that you find difficult to quieten down. Don't settle for less than you are happy with. If you don't feel he's putting in the effort perhaps it's time for a chat, at least you know where you stand then? In fact it shouldn't be effort for either of you, it should come naturally because you want to be with each other.

Really happy for you @richdeniro

I don’t think wanting to see someone more than once a week (and have regular communication) is needy either. Tbh, MrSG and I want to see each other all the time (and keep in contact throughout the day too). We do pretty much see each other all the time really, except on Wednesdays (because he has his kids overnight - he’s got the EOW too, but we all tend to just hang out these days).

But everyone is different. @TooOldForThis67 would find that way too much (loads of people probably would). There’s no ‘right’ amount of contact for a happy and functional relationship. Part of figuring out of its going to work is determining whether you’re aligned on things like this.

So I’d have a chat with MrFox. At the moment you’re feeling like you might be off the smitten bench anyway. So there isn’t anything to lose (and everything to gain) from having a discussion about where he sees it going etc. Even if it’s bloody hard to have those kind of conversations.

@richdeniro really happy for you!

@30soomethingandsingle I often only see MrSAS once a week. He stayed over last night and that had been 8 days since we saw each other. As much as i'd like to see him more, i have the kids eow and most nights in the week and sometimes he has plans on my 'free' days/nights and vice versa and that's fine as we both had lives before we met so I wouldn't want either of us to give everything else up. It's also REALLY good when we haven't seen each other for a while and then get together

So he went home this morning and I am going to his at the weekend when we are going to discuss venues for our city break later in the summer. I have been holding back from the smitten bench as a self preservation thing but hell, I'm well and truly on it!

I took the plunge and joined Tinder at the beginning of the year. Met someone who seemed decent and we started seeing each other in Februay. I made it clear that I didn't want anything too full on but that dating and making memories with the possibility that a relationship would develop in time was what I was looking for. I slept with him after about 8 weeks and all was going well. Hid my profile on the site and that was that. I went onto Tinder last week to show a friend a picture of him and I was surprised to see that he had uploaded a new picture on his profile. I asked him what that was all about and he said it was an old picture. So this week I have been going on and every time I go on there his location has changed leading me to believe he is still active. Bit pissed off and I won't be made a fool of so he's about to get told where to go. It has made me think though that if you are seeing someone when would you expect them to delete their profile from dating site?

Interesting thread on MN

Would you date yourself.

So I thought I would open it up to you all...

I would date me, I'd have sex with me (I do often these days ha) but I'm not sure I could handle my trust issues.

It has made me think though that if you are seeing someone when would you expect them to delete their profile from dating site?

Did you have a conversation about it? I think this is just one of these things that you need to clarify in this age of OLD.

MrSG told me that he’d like to think of me as his GF and that he was going to delete tinder as he didn’t feel he needed it anymore. I had already decided I was on the same page but it made our intentions clear.

@lifegoes I looked at that thead. My thought was that I’d have said ‘no’ if you’d asked me a year ago. But now I’d definitely say ‘yes’. I’m not perfect (and I have my issues) but I now have the self-confidence to realize that I’m a great catch. 😁 I’m also a really nice GF. Luckily MrSG realises this.