Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

He says he suffers from anxiety but it seems more than that. I know some people are just miserable 😂. It’s a shame as we share lots of interests and if it wasn’t for his moaning about being ill on our 2nd date it wouldn’t have been too bad.

I don’t mind him not being a fan of kids, I’m not a fan of other people’s kids, mine are both teenagers but because they have sn’s I can’t leave them for a weekend, he doesn’t seem to get that. I’m not looking for anyone to be involved in my kids lives but would like them to be understanding.

Quick update - I spoke to a therapist today on the phone. Have been given some techniques to try before my first face to face session hopefully in the next week so I can let them know what is and isn't working. He said I need to be comfortable with being vulnerable (exactly what the Brene Brown TED talk was saying) and get out of the freeze, flight, fight mode which 9/10 is ending up with flight for me - the overwhelming impulse to end a relationship rather than face the issue head on. This has really struck a chord with me. I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving it a go.

Seeing Mr Cornish tomorrow night and spending Thursday together. He's been so lovely and reassuring today and says he still feels bad I was so upset yesterday.

I'm going to give a big ol' shout out to @MrDrummer (who is notable by his absence lately ) who really persuaded me in PM that Mr Cornish was probably a great guy but probably a little shy/nervous when I was reluctant to have a second/third date with him. You were right MrD

@Lovemusic33 he sounds like a right fun sponge. We all have our moaning Minnie moments but god, he’s supposed to be wowing you and trying to win you over - if this is him at his best what’s he going to be like at his worst?

I’d be switching him off, I like a bloke who is interesting and exciting, and also excited by life. Not some Dementor who is the antithesis of positivity. You can do better! And that’s without all the kid stuff.

@JeSuisPrest that’s great news, I’m so pleased for you. It sounds like Mr Cornish is just totally on board with you, so hopefully therapy will help you let him love you (to shamelessly misuse a song title!).

I’ve made an appointment to see a therapist next week, she’s been recommended to me. I have more issues than Vogue, many are childhood/family related and I’m sure impact on my relationships and how I interact romantically and emotionally. If nothing else I’m hoping it will help me unwrap some thought processes, allowing me to stop focusing on emotionally unavailable men.

And yes where is @MrDrummer lately? I hope he’s ok. He comes across as such a lovely, kind man. I hope he’s just preoccupied with being loved up and fluffy.

After I texted my ex to tell him I was seeing someone and his “ok, thanks” reply, he messaged me again to say he was happy for me and that I deserve to be happy.

There are so many things I wanted to say in response...such as how I WAS happy before he had an affair and broke our family up and how that’s nice of him but I was happy before I met MrSAS and that my happiness doesn’t depend on being in a relationship (unlike him) but I just couldn’t so I said nothing at all. It’s almost worse when he’s nice to me...how fucked up is that.

I totally agree on the being nice thing. Mr S picked me up after an afternoon of drinking with my friends the other week and he was so relaxed and chilled about it. My ex would have been cross if I wasn’t waiting outside for him, would have told me I was a drunken mess etc. He also took me for dinner somewhere lovely that I’ve only been to for birthday treats before. Not just because. And he’s nice and kind in lots of other ways. That I find unsettling as I’m just not used to it.

I’ve been missing mrdrummer too.

Great news on getting therapy sorted so quickly jesuis. Mr Cornish sounds so lovely. Does he have an older brother 😂

Do you want to see him again lovemusic. He sounds like a right mood hoover.

Still no update richdinero??

Yeah. Thread isn't the same without @MrDrummer ☹️ miss his quick wit and clear judgement.

Glad you're getting therapy @JeSuisPrest. You don't mess around do you?

@Lovemusic33 Ditch. You don't need negativity in your life... no one does. I've had depression on and off forever and I steer well clear of negative thinkers.

I recently overheard a friend t her husband she'd forgotten something essential. His reaction? Oh don't worry... I spent so much time worrying about exes reaction it made me fuck up stuff even more.

Nearly at 3 months with mr Unsuitable and that's always crunch time. He's been away and I'm worried he's going off me. No idea why. He rang me while away which is keen. I've got over the novelty factor and I genuinely like him. A lot. Have a feeling I'll be on the heartbroken bench soon. Not for long but it's still an unpleasant place to sit.

So I'm meeting my first iron on Saturday and I have another one booked in for next Thursday. It feels weird if I'm honest. I've literally had one date since doing OLD (and one failed relationship) so I've never been in this position before. I think I have already over-invested in the first one (I;m a bit useless at holding back when I connect with someone) but I'm determined to meet the other just to be sure. I hate the thought of having to let anyone down.... I mean they might not like me anyway but that's fine.

Hello again
I have a little break and come back to find lots on the smitten bench . Plus some drama, which I hope has been resolved and all is well again.
A friend has managed to prove that OLD can work. She's met the man of her dreams. All that stuff about doing little things for each other and nothing being too much effort. It is true. There are relationships like that out there.

Meanwhile, my attempt to stay off the apps failed at the weekend with a girls night out. We all loaded up Tinder and got swiping. The idea was not to be too picky and just swipe right to see what happens.
As my friends' matches started clocking up and messages started rolling in, my match queue sat stubbornly at zero.. In the end I left early, because it was just too painful to watch their excitement.

I got one match yesterday. Who promptly unmatched me when I sent a message. So I deleted the app again.
I haven't come close to meet anyone in RL yet but I concentrating on that instead. I even exchanged a small smile with someone in a coffee shop the other day. There may be hope!

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking I've been off now for almost a week. I'm so happy I have, it was really starting to impact my mood. Take a week or so off and then go back with an updated profile.

I miss @mrdrummer too.

, I'm new to this so please be kind! It is so nice to read through posts and realise the thought processes I go through are kind of normal!!
I split with my ex last year due to numerous reasons but he cannot let it go. He drank heavily and towards the end mixed it with prescribed drugs and took an attempt on his live three times (once with my kids in the next room and they had to witness two ambulance crews work on him).
Crustaceans, he was the same as your ex. Came into my daughters life at four and I think he disliked her from the start but he claims he was an amazing stepdad. Noticed a massive difference in his behaviour towards our son and my daughter.

I started seeing someone three months ago and we were in similar ish situation, he'd split from his wife last year and he has his sons three days a week for three days. My ex sees his son 1 day a week even though he creates arguments on how much of a priority he is to him 🙄.

So anyway this guy is lovely and we see each other probably once a week to 10 days, he's affectionate, always checking I'm ok, will kiss my head and stoke my back etc when we watch tv but then he seems distant on text. I've asked him if he's interested and he said he really likes me and likes spending time with me but is unsure if he wants a super serious relationship (however that is defined). We've never had a phone all it's all through messaging and I just feel as if I like him more and I'm pestering him when I message. I've asked if he minds me messaging him and he said not at all. Think I'm just being super paranoid but I wish he'd stop being a laid back Larry and be a bit more impulsive. I asked him if I could see him and he gave me dates of when he's not got his kids so I passed it back to him and told him to choose when and let me know but he's not 😫. Am I just being silly and need to accept this is how he is? I don't want to keep asking for reassurance in case he thinks I'm too needy!! Thanks!

Hi - I’m a newbie round here!
Dated someone from OLD for 3 months but he got too keen and it put me off. Guess he wasn’t the right guy...
I have kids most of the time so my distance set so low which mean right swipes are few, and matches even fewer. This is my main problem I think.
Yesterday I had coffee with Mr Uni. Nice enough if a little boring. Usually I wouldn’t think of another date if I don’t feel instant spark, but wondering if I need to be a bit more patient; this could be where I’m going wrong.
Tomorrow I have dinner with Mr Sexy. Obviously somewhat favour this one hence his name - however his situation is dire - still lives with ex whilst house on market and whilst I do believe they are pretty separate, they still do family stuff together. Not a good situation to get into I know, but omg is he just delicious. Wondering if a little fun may be what I need or whether it will totally mess me up if/when it goes pear shaped.
One other iron - Mr Bike. Lives very near but just doesn’t sound very interesting and dynamic, and I get bored so quickly....
Anyone else live SE and find the pond pretty empty?

@Lillyrose19 God knows after yesterday's debacle I'm not really the best person to be offering advice but I think its really important (to me at least) to have a someone who has a similar take on communicating as yourself. I love messaging, I love talking on the phone, sending little quotes, cards in the post, leaving notes on pillows/in pockets etc. It makes me feel really connected to my partner and when its reciprocated it's the best feeling.

I'd hate to feel I was inconveniencing them. My current iron is exactly the same as me and it's great. My previous one of 4 months wouldn't answer any messages after 9.30pm. This drove me nuts. I like checking in, saying goodnight etc. Some find it too much and that's fine, but it's what I need after a pretty emotionally devoid marriage.

Not one phone call in 3 months?? I don't think you're being needy, but I'm needy AF and admit it, but I've got some good qualities as well. I just need to rein in the crazy sometimes. Are you always initiating the contact? What would happen if you didn't contact him - how long would he leave it before checking you were OK? Do you go out on dates or is it always Netflix and chill?

Lily rose 19 the last iron I dated -6 months- was the same great in person but not on messages. He did call every day though and I think the no call thing is odd. I still didn’t feel secure though. But then like Jesuis I know I am needy!! Is everything else good as on reflection I don’t think it was for me. I thought it was more sexual as we didn’t talk a lot but even that I’m questioning as new mr races is so much more in tune with me. Maybe it’s your gut?!
Savoretti - I’ve learned from this thread that some people just nervous on date one so I’d give mr uni a second Chance. Mr sexy might not be as complicated as it sounds. A few of us on here are separated. So long as def separate!!
I wondered where mr drummer was too. After three good dates I feel a bit frustrated that next one not booked but know it’s my issue as is sats week and don’t have sitter! 😩

lifegoes I'm enjoying not having the stress of being on the apps. But I do miss that little thrill of getting a new match and message.
My profile has been revamped many, many times over the last 2 years but I remain stuck on the invisible bench.

Savoretti welcome. I'm more E than SE but the pond seems to be quite sparse and very lucky.

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking I found deleting them all and starting again worked with getting more matches, as at the start it boosts you to the top.

lifegoes thanks but been there, done that, many many times. Have tried all the apps.
New profile, new pics. Lots of reviews from helpful people on here, friends, family even strangers.

Same problem no matter what I do. I get very little interest, then end up going on a date with someone who I know isn't right for me. But I go because they ask and I just want to get out of the house.

I've been told I look 'nice and normal but just a bit ordinary'. No idea how to change that. It's who I am.
I've tried photos in dresses or jeans. Outside, inside, with friends, smiling, laughing, more serious. You name it, I've tried it.

Just back from my date which I had high hope's for,but he had a very high pitched voice and I just couldn't see myself with him. Be great as a friend though!

“he had a very high pitched voice” I wonder if I have a secret twin?

It’s a shame there wasn’t a spark, but at leaat it looks like you met a nice person you clicked with in other ways.

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking then I think a break is def what you need. I'm focusing on me and enjoying my life as it is. It really helps not focusing on looking for someone 😘

It wasn't just the voice, he was tiny! But relationship material in the sense he wouldn't muck anyone around.
Oh why do I like the ones I shouldn't

Savoretti - I'm SE and there's a lot of potato heads! It's not very cosmopolitan, lol.
I always would have been wary of seeing someone who was separated but still living together, until I was in that situation - I was living with my ex. There was really nothing going on between us, it was purely just the best thing to do for our son at the time. Mr Wow met my ex several times and it didn't put him off at all. However, he's not the jealous type. Horses for courses.