Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@LilyRose88 TBH that's quite a lot of bragging so would probably put me off. A tiny boast here or there doesn't matter to me!

I posted on that thread about dating oneself! I'd definitely date myself, I think I'm fun, have loads of friends, financially solvent, no big trust issues. My downside was having limited free time so I wouldn't date myself because there are so many more available women out there.

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking I think OLD does tend to lose its appeal after a while. But sounds like you seem to meet more people in real life via hobbies etc. I don't think it helps here at times when so many are on the smitten bench but I think it does give hope that OLD can have very successful results.

DaffoDeffo it would be convenient to meet him as he has offered to drive to the area that I live in and I can walk to the place we are meeting. I think it is just that some of the things he said on the phone last night made my skin crawl. I really dislike people that show off about money and he was exceptionally bad. He also showed off about his lovely his house was, how much work he had had done on it, how many holidays he had taken his son on last year, how clever his son was etc etc. It was all so superficial. He was also quite negative about his exes, and whilst not actually being totally critical of them, he did run through a list of recent relationships and what had gone wrong, and it all seemed to be about what the women had done wrong. He didn't ask me many questions about myself, and I found myself not wanting to tell him very much. Of course it may be that he was nervous, or thought that the information would impress me, but I am beginning to dread the date and woke up in a cold sweat this morning thinking about it.

@LilyRose88 I'd find all that money talk very uncomfortable but it is something that a lot of guys think impresses women and in a cackhanded way maybe he was trying to "set out his stall" to ensure you'd think he's solvent, a good catch etc. I think you just need to be honest and say that money, material possessions etc don't impress you - kindness, honesty, integrity, faithfulness etc (things money can't buy) are much more important.

crikey lily that does sound awful. It could well have been nerves - it sounds like he had a stream of consciousness but tbh, that does sound like enough red flags that you wouldn't want to meet him.

if it's making you feel shit already, then I wouldn't do it

btw I am dreadful on the phone, I get nervous and I absolutely rattle and rattle and rattle on so I don't speak to people on the phone before I meet them!

JeSuisPrest that is a good point and maybe he was just trying to let me know that he is solvent and generous. I didn't like his attitude to his exes though - it was as though he thought they were 'beneath' him. To be fair he did mention one that he had been fond of but it had been a long distance relationship and it didn't work out for that reason.

If I do meet him on Saturday - and at the moment it still is an 'if - I will definitely make it clear early on in the date that values are more important to me than cash in the bank!

I'm almost tempted to say I wouldn't date me because of the depression/self recrimination I experience when hungover

LilyRose - Yeah he is maybe trying too hard, waving his willy ,and trying to distance himself from his ex-s. Perhaps just see whether he eases off over the next couple of days now the date is arranged.

How is your ankle doing btw ?

@SuperHairyArsedMan thank you for asking about my ankle. I am still limping a bit and am not able to do any running at the moment which is a massive pain. I think I may have torn a cartilage in my ankle . That will teach me to fall down stairs on dates.

I would rather the man in question put his willy away and stopped trying so hard, if that is indeed what he is doing. He hasn't been braggy in his WhatsApp messages, so maybe it was nerves or over compensation. It has invoked a strong reaction in me though, so it is clearly something I find extremely disagreeable. Or maybe I am just looking for reasons not to go on a date. Actually no, scrap that last sentence as I have another date on Friday (coffee) with someone else who is far less suitable on paper, but actually seems quite funny and likeable. Although I haven't spoken to him on the phone ……….

I don't get nervous on the phone, but I probably talk too much - I've been lucky to travel a lot through my job - Caribbean/Indian Ocean type places because of HNW clients but I try not to talk about it too much in case it comes across as braggy, unless it's a place of common interest to both of us.

I always speak on the phone first because if I don't like someone's voice it's a bit of a passion killer for me. Co-incidently I mentioned to Mr Cornish last night how much I liked his voice from the first time we spoke on the phone and he said no one had ever mentioned it before - to me a voice is just as important as how someone looks etc and is part of their persona. I might look at David Beckham and think "I would", but when he speaks I shudder to think of him whispering sexy things in my ear and then I think actually "I wouldn't"....

Back to the height discussion of earlier he's 10 inches taller than me - I think I should have been careful what I wished for - that's a lot of leg and arms on the sofa, then with the 2 dogs as well I'm pretty squished!

Does anyone else notice how many men say "I'm really fussy"? I told Mr C that I was quite fussy, with lots of criteria (height/hair/nice teeth/job/car/age bracket etc) and probably only swiped right on 1:40 profiles. He couldn't believe it - he thinks he's fussy but was probably swiping 1:10. Our ideas of fussy are very different it would seem...

@JeSuisPrest I am another one who isn't the slightest bit nervous on the phone. I also never talk about my job other than in very vague terms, as it could be thought of as braggy (although it doesn't impress me that much!)

I like men who are at least two inches taller than me, and I prefer them to be around 4 inches taller than me (I am almost 5'7''). I did date a guy who was 6'7'' and that was a bit too tall actually as he had to stoop to kiss me and he would have been very uncomfortable sitting on my sofa (we never got that far).

I am mega fussy and I agree that although men tend to say it they are not as fussy as I am.

lilyrose88 I would ignore the bragging and see what he's like in real life. One of my dates dropped the make of his car randomly in a text so I ignored it. When I saw it, it was about 12 years old and less impressive than my car! Anyway he was a nice guy but just keen to impress.

jesuis lily I've got a job where I'm constantly meeting people and doing big meetings so I never feel nervous about going on dates but I have to be very careful I don't do them in 'meeting new people for work' mode if you get what I mean. And sometimes I have to really tell myself to stop it! I think on bumble it asks what your job is and I had a real debate as to what to put! I originally started on POF (but came off within a week as I found it a nightmare) but I put what I did on there and got loads of people who were looking for a financially solvent woman to help them out of their debt! errr no thank you!

I think I'm pretty fussy. I like taller, bigger men in general. I would say my swiping ratio is definitely more like 1:40. I know on bumble it went through a phase of men swiping yes on everything as it got more popular which was really tedious as you'd send a message and never hear back to a lot of matches. I think it was at that point that I gave up the first time!

JeSuis Mr Far and I are both quite fussy but I suppose everyone thinks they are, just about different things.
I really need someone I can verbally spar with. Who can be assertive back. He is very assertive and clever. I've got my shit together more than he has, I'd say. But he's more emotional /emotionally available than me. I'm more reserved.

And height wise well there's 14" difference but I'm used to that as I'm a shortarse and I like tall men (though I've dated a variety of heights, it's not essential, but tall is always a plus for me)

DaffoDeffo I am a confident person but I do tend to get the 'dreads' before a date as I have been disappointed so many times since doing OLD. I know what you mean about going into 'work' mode and it really helps that I can't say anything too specific about where I work. In fact I've just realised that I dated a guy for over 3 months last year and never told him the name of the organisation I work for

My swipe ratio is around 1:40. And I reply to very few messages on POF.

That is a massive pain @LilyRose88 If the ankle can bear weight, maybe try the elliptical to replace running. It keeps the ankle fairly immobile and you can vary resistance to work the posterior kinetic chain. Good luck for both your dates!

@DaffoDeffo I absolutely get that "meeting in work mode"

I seem to do this all the time, I get a bit nervous and then the work mode kicks in. As if it's a meeting and I'm like oh well

lily at least you can talk on the phone though. It sounds like a good way to try and weed a few more out if that works for you :). I probably need to work on that as I tend to want to see them quickly so I can suss out whether I'm physically attracted or not. Though like you, at one point I started to wonder if I'd ever find another man attractive again given how many disappointing dates I had!

It has made me very wary of coming back to it now - I think if I was new to it, I would have bounded into it. But knowing what an effort it was last time, how long it took to meet someone who seemed potentially wonderful, then have it all fall apart....you really need a kick up the ass to get back into it again!

life yes, that's exactly it. It's a form of detaching I think and it's not very healthy as it means you don't really engage. I can feel myself doing it and have to try and bring myself back in from it!

@SuperHairyArsedMan thank you for the training tip. I have started using the cross trainer/elliptical at the gym but I miss the buzz that I get from running outside. I have had to pull out of one 10k race as there was no way I was going to be able to run it and I have another one on 2 June that I suspect I am going to have to pull out of too. I would rather concentrate on recovery and be fit for the 10 mile race in October and the two half marathons I have got in 2020. Although I have been eating too much out of boredom so my poor ankle will probably give up in horror when I do start running as I am becoming somewhat heavier than usual .

@DaffoDeffo I rarely fancy anyone I meet from OLD - I seriously considered looking at the women on POF as I began to think I was going off men.

Back to the height discussion of earlier he's 10 inches taller than me - I think I should have been careful what I wished for - that's a lot of leg and arms on the sofa, then with the 2 dogs as well I'm pretty squished!

See, this is the sort of thing you’re not considering when you insist on tall men.

@LilyRose88 I think you’d have to meet him in person to tell whether it’s a crap on the phone/badly judged attempt to impress you issue or his personality in general. Maybe he’ll be great in person.

I'd add the face full of armpit as being the other downside.
But I can live with it

I am going to have a frank discussion with MrFox tonight (over text!)

Interesting reading the posts regarding going in to work mode- my job involves representing clients and talking in a room full of people. I am confident, and I am good at my job.
Unfortunately that confidence does not transfer to my private life.

Can you ring Mr Fox 30something?

Those with older teens, when do you think the time is right for your iron to sleep over? My kids are always here so unless I leave them on their own we don’t spend the night together.

Leaving in less than an hour. Sent all the details to my friend as usual! She's been a sweetie but unless you're in the middle of it, I don't think anyone appreciates how hard and soul destroying dating like this can be. I don't work but get me up onto a stage in front of loads of people, I'm fine! We're all actors to an extent...