Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Yes I'm very glad I took your advice and invited him round. It's typical him not to invite himself round with dc here and he said as much. I guess I'm just used to fwb/fb who wouldn't think twice about asking (and it would be a no with them, anyway).
At least now this opens up opportunities to see each other more, as it can be difficult as he has dc too and our schedules clash quite a bit plus, he lives 20 miles away which is a pain but I live in the middle of nowhere.

@Ant330 I agree with shit- cut yourself some slack!

@ant330 your comments have caused me to have a real lightbulb moment.

Recently a friend died and when I mentioned it to ex and said I'd like to go to the funeral he didn't ask how I was but just when the funeral was i.e. when he'd have to be off work to look after dc. It's just occurred to me that actually he never asked anything about me in the last few years of our relationship and I can't remember when he lost interest.

That explains why I find it stressful when guys like MrEnthusiastic and MrEvenMoreEnthusiastic messaged me. I'm just not used to men showing an interest in me. Lesson learnt. Thanks.

Stealth I can sympathise a lot with that, I don't think my ex ever understood what I do for work and I've been in the same industry for about 15 years. She just never wanted to know, but I got an incredible amount of grief when I was stressed with work and just shut myself off.
When MissOz asked me if I was ok after a difficult day and I just went to gloss over it as usual, we ended up having a long chat about it. It's nice to share :)
Anyway I don't come on here to whinge about my ex, but MissOz is causing me lots of lightbulb moments that maybe I'm not that bad a bloke to be around and reflecting on the past realising it wasn't as good as I maybe thought it was.
It's actually quite an upsetting realisation that there's a fair amount of rebuilding of me that needs to happen.
Enough wallowing anyway, I have a house to tidy, dog to walk and food shopping to do. I'm picking MissOz up at 5 to go to the pub and then back here where I'm cooking risotto and then we have the rest of the bank holiday together 😁

I think if we'd all been in blissfully happy relationships none of us would be here. Even though I was widowed, my marriage wasn't great and I'm now finding out the extent of what was wrong. As Ant330 said, I'm having to work on changing everything I ever knew. Heavy, painful work. Some people might say that I shouldn't be dating, or attempting to, but I think of it as part of the work I'm doing - recognising where my boundaries are, and what behaviours I will and will not tolerate.

Ant- I totally get it. 18 years of not saying things to avoid an argument. Hard work but also hard to adjust.
Mr races is meeting me half way! Feel a bit nervous now hate the initial meet bit

Totally agree about the lack of interest/kindness from an ex. I spent a good 10 years walking on eggshells, not expecting intimacy/support, expecting to be undermined. And I don't know how to move on from that. Mr Unsuitable is strong silent type which works as I put no emotional demands on him. Or practical for that matter. I've absolutely no idea how he feels about me. We never speak about where it's going or how we feel or anything. It's going to start getting to me at some point. He also is very quiet and says most women chat non stop so he's used to just listening. I'm not used to chatting away as it used to irritate my ex when I spoke to him. It's all such a steep learning curve

God reading that I wonder if I'll ever be able to have an open relationship again. Not Open but emotionally open.

Aw stealth that’s awful and I know what you mean. I was in an abusive marriage. He isolated me from my friends and family and tore away all my confidence. Any good pieces of news were stripped of joy and I dreaded sharing anything with him. It was such a miserable way to live.

I think you and Miss Oz both sound lovely ant. And a good match so far 🤞

So I’m off for a few drinks with friends and then Mr S is going to pick me up and we will spend the evening snuggled on my sofa. 👍 any good film recommendations?

Peanutz I could have written that same post. I couldn’t cope with mr engineer not telling me though just reinforced my insecurities. Think we all just learning as we go

Afternoon all, placemarking on new thread.

Lovely night with Mr Cornish - we were supposed to be going out for a meal. We didn't make it 😳, he's overcome his "shyness" in that department and I think I've opened Pandora's Box 😂🤞.

He's definitely as slow burner. The wanting to be with someone who gives me fanny gallops 24/7 strategy hasn't worked out well for me previously and this is so much more relaxed and laid back. It's a very strange feeling for me - no anxiety over when he's going to call/message me/game playing, does he really like me? etc. His family know about me (his sister in law tried to stalk me on FB but my settings are so locked down she couldn't find me...) My mum and best friend know about him. I've got no other irons and my profiles are hidden.

I've got a few reservations (he lives 40 minutes drive away, he has no kids and I'm 5 years older with no intention of having more kids) I'm just going to see how this goes for a while, because my life is definitely better for having him in it and that's enough for me at the moment.

He was abusive wasn't he? ☹️

I think maybe I should get some counselling... but god I've already had it at least 15 times throughout my
Life. And I'm broke.

Peanut I'm no expert on this stuff, but the undermining comment I can relate to a lot. And although I'd never describe my ex as abusive as I don't think she ever did it on purpose, yes it certainly sounds it. I think my ex's behaviour was as much to do with her own insecurities and wanting to be liked by everybody, rather than an intention to undermine me.
Unfortunately over time we get used to it, which makes it all so bloody hard to deal with when in the space of a few short weeks somebody else makes so apparent what you've been blocking out for years.
At times I feel an absolute idiot for putting up with it and then not spotting that she was having an affair.
JeSuis sounds like it's going well, enjoy it!
ccgirr good luck with MrRaces, is it a 1st date? If so just remember he feels exactly the same ;)

Peanuthedz I think the key thing I've learned is that we can't change the reactions of others, only our own reactions. I don't mask the truth anymore and some people around me don't like it, but I'm no longer pretending. Those who will stick by you are true friends. Those who go off in a huff I can do without.

Peanut ccgirl and Notcool I have also been in a similar abusive relationship. I found myself apologising for things when I was with Mr Tiler (who was not abusive) and it really confused him, even when I explained why I did it. For example we were driving somewhere and I missed the turning. I apologised profusely for 'being so stupid'. He was aghast and pointed out that it was a hidden turning and he would probably have missed it too. Whereas I would have been subject to a torrent of abuse from my ex for being 'so stupid'. And to top it all the ex couldn't drive! I have considered getting counselling but what helped me was reading a book called 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.

On a different note I was due to meet Mr FX at 3.30 for coffee in a neighbouring town. We haven't swapped phone umbers so I sent him a message on POF asking if the date was still on, as I haven't heard from him since Thursday when he changed the day from Saturday to Sunday. I sent the message at 10 am this morning and he has just responded to say that he is unwell, and has asked to meet on Monday at 3.30 instead. Is he mucking me around, or should I say okay? I am free tomorrow so I could meet him.

@LilyRose88 He messaged you 2 hours before you were supposed to meet to cancel and that's only because you prompted him? Shit like this is why I like chatting right up until the date - you'd have know last night or this morning he was "feeling poorly" and would have had more notice. Sounds like he's had a better offer and is blowing you off. If you really like him give him the benefit of the doubt and agree to tomorrow, but I wouldn't rearrange any plans you already have.🤷🏻‍♀️

JeSuis I know, I get the impression that neither of us is that keen. He did say on Thursday that he was really looking forward to meeting me, but none of his messages have been interesting or showing any interest in me. I am free tomorrow as it happens, as I am not going to see the guy on the boat as we had zero in common when we talked on the phone on Friday. My usual default would be to say okay, but actually I think I am worth more than being put off twice and let down at short notice, so I am going to say that I am busy.

He's probably got a hangover rather than being unwell Lily. If I was ill I wouldn't be committing to a date the day after, so I don't believe that.

@LilyRose88 Good for you. Life's too short for mediocre meet ups. It doesn't sound like there's any sort of interest from either of you. Send him a nice (ish) "sorry, I've got other plans" message (he doesn't need to know you don't). If it were me I'd be swiping again trying to arrange something quickly with a new iron for tomorrow. Quick meet ups are the best ime. Can't be doing with weeks of messaging and then no spark when you eventually meet.

@Ant330 I did think it was a hangover as the reason he blew me out for Saturday afternoon was that he had just realised that it was his friend's birthday. I am not sure when he would have actually let me know that he couldn't make it today if I hadn't checked with him. I suspect he might have just stood me up.

I may have to start swiping although I'm not fussed about doing nothing tomorrow. I'm sure I can find something nice to do locally on my own.

I don't mind being blown off for genuine illness. But I've chucked someone for blowing me off for a hangover. I'm judgemental like that and no regrets

Date night for me tonight. Hope everyone is having fun

Just place marking

Good luck for all of those with weekend dates!

simon your posts do make me chuckle!

Just had my date tomorrow cancel, changed her mind apparently.

Got me thinking about FB stalking, I don't really use it but I had not updated my relationship status in the last 3 years, still said "in a relationship" until a few minutes ago. Anyone stalking would have come to the wrong conclusions.