Dating Thread 158 - Don't wait until the iron is hot to strike

[Greenland55]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

vwman and DaffoDeffo thanks for your views and input. I thought Bumble and Tinder would be the better ones. Anyway, I do take care of myself, have always looked young, do not post bitter messages about exes or passive aggressive stuff on my profile or messages as I often see. I mentioned before that I think I have strong boundaries, for instance, the type of man that was messaging Wading wouldn't get a look in with me once that behaviour started. I'm just so fed up with getting about 4-5 matches a week, and finding I get unmatched, or not replied to, or the man can't even be bothered to message once the conversation starts (Bumble) or they turn out to live outside my search radius. Even when it's got to a date (rarely) , I've been ghosted or had excuses sent to me. I signed up to Bumble just before Christmas and had precisely zero dates from it. I've been OLD for a year and met 7 men. Seven. Either I'm way too fussy, or really ugly... 😭

Can I join you ... I recently signed up to POF and arranged some dates...POF deleted my profile as I was on the way to the first one. I tried making a new profile but it was deleted almost instantly. Any idea why this might be? Not married, decent photos, not been rude to anyone.
Still got a couple of people to see but just in case, can I get back on? I live in the sticks and a lot of sites don't have many men in my area.

Just checking in and going to read through all the posts in a min.

But I just want to say I'm getting really really fed up of any man I speak to start to question who else I'm talking to, how many guys I'm meeting, going out on the pull or stating I must have loads of guys chatting me up.

Whilst I know it shouldn't bother me, I think even you all know I really struggle talking to more than one guy at all time. They all do say it in jest (but I never feel it is in jest) and I find myself justifying that I'm not like that. I don't know if it's a trigger from my ex who constantly accused me of seeing other men. But it's really starting to wind me up and I don't know how to reply anymore to it.

He's also started doing this thing where if I don't reply to his last message, simply because it doesn't need a reply, he sends emojis !!!!
Wits contact admin perhaps?
Nest I think strong boundaries are excellent....so what if you don't have as many dates, these things can take time, and as I said, it's a minefield, such a throwaway culture, I'm sure you're not ugly at all!!

@Wadingthroughshit just read you posts. Wow!!! I'd be very very careful, he sounds very controlling from the start and I don't like that at all. If he's like that now, what will he be like in the future.

New here.

Oh wade, run! This will not end well.

I would just like some casual coffee/wine dates though! If I don't actually go on dates, I won't meet anyone!! 😂 I know it only needs the one but I thought I might have some fun trying. Rehearsal tonight (on a bank holiday!), at least I'll speak to an adult or two.

NestOfSwipers it doesn't happen to women it happens to men, who knows the reasons why. I'm sure some people simply don't have the confidence to actually date you, think that they are not perfect so no one will want them or are intimidated by the imaginary person they have constructed in their head, being you. You should not lower your standards, the probability is that you may be too attractive rather than ugly so some may think they have no chance with you. I am sure that a high quality man will recognise you sooner or later, the ones that you have been messaging think they are not good enough for you I am sure.

Best excuse not to go on a Sunday afternoon date was (sent at 10:30pm on a Saturday night) :

My mum's come to stay unexpectedly, I won't be able to get away really. Perhaps we can sort something out another time."

Bearing in mind we were both of an age when our parents are knocking 80, I admire his mum's sense of spontaneity!! 😂

vwman thank you. I'll find and dust off my confidence, and have another go. 😊

But it's really starting to wind me up and I don't know how to reply anymore to it.

"That's for me to know "

I don't think there are any good reasons to ask it, it smacks of insecurity, or looking for someone vulnerable, or even hinting at cuckolding, at best it's an attempt to give you an ego boost by saying you must be in demand.

@StarryUnicorn good reply actually.

I really don't see it as an ego boost. I do get this Is maybe an issue of my own I have to resolve. My ex accused me ALL the time mainly as it turned out it was a reflection of what he was doing. But it really triggers something inside me and I feel I get defensive and justify myself. I can't laugh it off as I get so angry st them for asking. I would never ask that of anyone I hadn't met or wasn't talking about going exclusive with

Wading you need more self-respect. You know it's not right to settle like this. Don't think he'll get any better.

It's taken me about 2 years of off and on OLD to find someone I actually want to have a second date with. He's respectful about my boundaries and clear about his. Even if nothing else comes of this, I won't be lowering my standards to meet someone new.

Wading Sounds like absolute torture, especially from someone you barely even know. I can’t handle it when my friends or partner want to talk constantly and do the emoji because I didn’t reply 😂 Have you spoke to him about communication and how often it should be at this stage? You could always drop it in, not as a big deal just a jokey ‘haven’t you got anything better to do than message me all day’ sort of thing. It sounds totally like controlling behaviour though, he wants you to be talking to him so he knows you’re not talking to other guys. I’d be very wary and try and slow down contact a little with him.

@lifegoes the oft repeated line in therapy is that you can't change other people, but you can change how you feel about something.

So decide not to get annoyed, decide not to justify. Fob off the question with a canned reply so you give it minimal headspace, and if they push against your boundary then either warn them you will block them for it, or just block them straight off.

So I met Mr Foodie for coffee this afternoon. We really got on well, had lots in common and it was a very pleasant afternoon. But …… I just didn't fancy him.

I am beginning to think that there is something wrong with me. He ticked lots of boxes and he wasn't ugly or anything, but I didn't want to kiss him, let alone shag him. I was thinking as I was driving home, and I do still fancy lots of men, but just not the ones that I seem to meet on OLD. Well, not entirely true, as I met Mr Tiler on OLD and fancied the pants off him as soon as I saw him. I also fancied Mr Much Younger but there was no real connection in terms of interests. It's not fair on Mr Foodie to see him again as I wouldn't want to be anything more than friends with him, and he lives over an hour and a half drive away. I'm going to have to text him and explain this. He was so keen that I feel awful, and he kept on saying how glad he was that we had met, and how much he was looking forward to getting to know me better. It just made me shrink a bit inside. He kept strolling my hair and saying how lovely it was too.

Just got home to see 5 messages on POF. One of them looks reasonably decent and he lives close so I will see how I go with him.

Aaargh this is so difficult!

@StarryUnicorn if only it was that easy.

@LilyRose88 that was unfair of him, because he played on your emotions, not positive ones but negative ones. I'm not sure whether he thinks that it works but its the same ball park as buying you an expensive gift creating an obligation, this time by invoking guilty feelings within you so you will see him again.

No wonder you did not feel attracted to him.

@vwman I didn't get the feeling that he was trying to play on my emotions in an unpleasant way - I think he was just really keen and wears his heart on his sleeve. The hair stroking was a bit invasive as it was an afternoon coffee date and we weren't sitting close to each other or being flirty. I actually realised that I didn't fancy him as soon as I saw him, and my heart sunk a little bit. I tried hard to think positively during the date as he is such a nice man, but the chemistry just wasn't there.

Oh bother just realised that the one guy on POF that I liked the look of has put down that he smokes regularly. That is a no go for me as I don't smoke and don't want to date a smoker. Why is all this so difficult!

Ew hair stroking - that would put me right off LilyRose... don’t feel guilty. He wasn’t really polite invading your personal space...

Emojina thank you - I did wonder whether I was being precious or a bit frigid, but I found it very off putting. I always tend to doubt myself, but it was a bit much. He also lurched in for a snog at the end of the date when we hadn't had any physical contact at all during the date - not even hand holding when we walked to the car park. In the end I made an excuse about wanting to go into a particular shoe shop that we had walked past and said a quick goodbye and made my exit. It sounds weird, but I didn't even want him to see what car I drove.

Lilyrose why didn't you tell him not to to stroke your hair if you didn't like it? Smoking is a deal breaker for me, too.

LilyRose88 there is a fine line between flirting and harrasment, stroking hair is sexual, he was trying to create some false intimacy where there was none

Do you think they could make up an entire series of First Dates from us mumsnetters...?