Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

[MrDrummer]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

Sexual arousal through vomitting?!! That's a thing??!! 🙈🤢😂. Yeah the vampire wings did make me feel a bit nauseous hahaha. I definitely missed the vomitting thing though 😂😂.

@kerkyra

I thought you wanted more than what village man (I always think of him dressed as a Native American or policeman when I write that!) had to offer. I think "settling" is dangerous, though. I am doing it with Miss Lingua (FWB) and I can tell it is not 100% healthy for me.

@ItsAMiracle2015 I am going to have to google it now and make myself learn it. I can't remember why it came up... had to google it (not on work computer) emetophilia. Please don't say it makes you feel sick!

I don’t agree with you Mr Drummer but I’ll let it go for the sake of not derailing the thread. I have heard of vampire wings before so I know vwman didn’t coin the phrase (an accolade indeed!) We are all allowed our opinions so I’ll leave it there 😊

Anybody heard of the 5 second rule? clintonpower.com.au/2018/01/desperate-dateless-5-second-rule/
There's a link to a TedX talk on that page.
BTW. Funny story. The author was my first boyfriend, and I his first and last . Howzat for a boost to a 16 year old's confidence!

I love it midcenturylegs!

I just googled it MrDrummer. It's actually a thing. A vomit fetish 🤢🤢🤢. And I thought golden showers was vile enough 😂😂. I wonder how someone brings up that they've got a vomit fetish 🤔😂😂. Sorry, I'm probably not helping those who felt uncomfortable with the gross talk.

midcenturylegs compliment accepted.

It's the name though isn't it? I tend to try to subvert expectations about me, it's some kind of ironic reaction to years of homophobic bullying at school. Plus of course, unicorns are awesome.

@PrettyPretty Happy to hear your logic via pm. I am quite open to change my position if I hear a convincing argument :)

@midcenturylegs Thanks, I will watch the vid later. Sounds similar to concepts in "Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway".

BTW. Funny story. The author was my first boyfriend, and I his first and last grin. Howzat for a boost to a 16 year old's confidence!

Is this not very outing? Plus are you bragging??? (Only joking! ;) )

I used a 10 second rule to get my first date with a new iron on Sunday night. Am keen to meet up so gave a very blatant hint. It is worked.

@Mel6l72 Get you!!! That's brill.

@ItsAMiracle2015 It blows me away too. I can't imagine having that conversation. 99% of the time I am sure it would end in "Fuck off if you think I am doing that".

Thanks @midcenturylegs

I'm quite looking forward to meeting him. We've deliberately only chatted a bit. Just need that all elusive chemistry...

OK @MrDrummer, I'll bite and tell you exactly why I think my comment "challenge accepted" was fine coming from a woman and not from a man.

Tell me how many men you know that have been sexually assualted by a woman, men who have felt uncomfortable after having had a few drinks with a woman and then felt they were expected to put out because things had got flirty, men who have been offended at being sent an unsolicited pussy pic on WhatsApp?

The comment coming from a woman and coming from a man has very different connotations. Can I demand a man have sex with me against his will - absolutely not. Can a man push me into a doorway and sexually assault me and have me not say anything because I'd drunk too much and thought I'd probably led him on - absolutely.

I don't care what anyone says, unless you have lived your life as a woman you have absolutely no idea what it is to have low level sexual harrassment so rife in daily life that you accept it as the norm and "banter" without questioning it.

The amount of men that put "I'm not looking for hook ups or one night stands" is a standard line on most men's profiles who say they are looking for a LTR. It's something that draws women like Falaff in and makes them think "this is a nice guy" - he may be, or he may not be. Quite honestly I take it with a huge pinch of salt and would defy any man who had a strong sexual attraction to a woman he'd met on a first date not to DTD if she was also agreeable to it, regardless of what was written on his profile. Sex isn't a bargaining tool. It's an act between two mutually consenting adults - at what stage of a relationship this happens shouldn't matter to anyone else.

If you think my "challenge accepted" comment was braggy, that's your issue, not mine. I wasn't offended by the VW comments as others were.

30 going back to last night's discussion, I don't think what you're saying is "too insecure". You come across as very confident on here and I imagine you're similar IRL, so there's nothing wrong with admitting something's bothering you it just shows you care enough to be affected by it. I certainly wouldn't think any less of somebody for saying so.
For him to admit that he didn't want to come on too strong is him displaying the same insecurities about liking you and not wanting to push you away imo.

@falaff I am just catching up with the thread and want to join the others in commiserating with you about the way you were treated. I was dumped in similar circumstances after the same length of time earlier this year and it was my first proper relationship since leaving my abusive ex. I was really upset at the time, and a bit indignant as I felt that I had been taken in by someone whose persona was 'Mr Nice Guy' but had actually led me on and then dumped me without giving me a proper reason.

What helped me get over it was making sure that I had nice things to do, especially at the weekends. I met up with my daughters for a meal and a chat, went for some days out and treated myself to some new clothes and a pedicure. I also sounded off to various friends about it. I love running and that really helped me clear my head and put things in perspective. I promise you that you will begin to feel better. If you are like me, you will still feel slightly indignant about it, but that I'm sure will pass too. I took a break from OLD and when I first went back on it I did struggle as I compared everyone I met to him (or a rose tinted version of him). It is now 3 months since we split up and I am beginning to enjoy meeting other guys. I have had a brief fling with one guy which didn't work out, but I am hopeful that I will meet someone who will love and accept me.

Look after yourself in the meantime and be kind to yourself.

The vampire wings really made me laugh though

@falaff the guy I've been seeing for 6 months (but actually didn't see the last few months as apparently too busy etc) reassured me that he missed me, wanted me, hadn't feel like he felt with me for years etc and even though I told him a few times that if his feelings had changed that it was fine, we could be friends, I only found out he was lying because I saw him on a dating site. I still don't understand what the point was other than some ego boosting stuff or to have me just in case. I would have appreciated honesty. It has made me very wary now and it is going to be hard because I'm an all or nothing type person in my relationships and have only ever had long term relationships. There were a few red flags that I ignored.

@midcenturylegs thank you for that video link!
@MrDrummer and @itsamiracle2015 someone I dated just the once messaged me afterwards to ask if I wanted an internal examination That was his fetish and he had all the equipment, hospital gown etc. I did ask how many takers he'd had (after I'd very firmly said no!) He said only one.....he was in his 50s. Just can't see what a woman would get from it, but it takes all sorts I suppose.

@falaff just wanted to say that I hope you’re okay. This has happened to me and does knock your confidence. It was a day after we had DTD and he’d been very intense before that, and he text me to say about it. I said that I appreciated his honesty but that it would’ve been better to have acknowledged any ‘disconnect’ he’d felt before we had sex rather than less than 24hrs after it. You will be fine, it sounds like he is not a bad guy but could’ve dealt with it in a better way.

I had a second date last night with someone and he seems really nice so far. He’s the first person that I’ve really liked from the first date for quite a while so we’ll just see what happens.

Also, it’s definitely made me a little wary but I like to try and approach things with the mindset that most people are good people until they prove me wrong. I’m still careful/cautious but going in with a positive mindset helps. If I feel myself feeling negative I take a dating break until I’ve re-centred back to that concept. Take care, it’s a horrid feeling.

@Ant330 I have been fairly confident in my 'encounters' (fwb arrangements) since my marriage ended because I knew where the lines were and had no interest in a relationship with them.
Now that I've met someone that I'm potentially venturing into relationship territory with, all my insecurities from my failed marriage are rearing their head again, but you are right, he did show his own slight insecurities so I will be honest with him tomorrow about how I'm feeling.

I've just come across a single mum blog (work is slow today) and found the 'Tinder Bingo' quite funny in this article quite funny and frighteningly real! BINGO!

slummysinglemummy.com/category/lifestyle/

@putastrawunderbaby Talk about red flags!!! Actually, You've just reminded me that a woman I knew that during a sexually-heated phone conversation went in the direction of her wanting to drink my blood for gratification. That properly freaked my out and when we discussed it later she said it was a fantasy and wouldn't want to do it in real life.

@falaff - so sorry to hear what happened.

sunshine - I'm tempted to go back on PoF just to play Bingo!

So, MrWow left this morning telling me that a girl he met and had 1 date with had been messaging him on and off. I told him previously that she obviously means to keep him as a 'reserve' and apparently she admitted it last night! He's told her he's not interested and thought of her as just a mate. I know he told me to reassure me but somehow I found it a bit unsettling. . I shall crawl off now and hide my insecurities under a rock. ---->