Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

[MrDrummer]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

@Mel6l72 yeah there's always one....🙄

Ceebeegee I would probably walk away too. It's only a drink. Feel for him telling the truth though. If I were him, I'd have just said I was really busy at the moment but could do _ (which would be after payday) 🤷.

I completely disagree about the having sex too early or being dumped after sex. I mean, we've talked about it on here where sex being poor or not what we're after and that being enough to end things. Why would it be different for men? Sometimes men and women rush in and then realise a few weeks down the line it isn't working. It doesn't mean they were just after sex. Sometimes you never know the reason 🤷.

@falaff

Agreed Notcoolmum.

Women should've able to sleep with a man at whatever point they want to. And DTD is a big part of getting to know someone not a bloody carrot you offer to reward a man who has decided to have a relationship with you.

Although I have come across some carrots thinking about it...

notcool, he isn't in a great position at the moment,wife has told him she is leaving for another man and she is waiting for finances this side so she can leave. I also know her and am reluctant to be out in the village with him while he sorts.
Yes he is flaky but there is something there! I shall still try and date others while he sorts out his shit but if he wants to go on a proper date then yes,i will go. I don't exactly have a line of men wanting to take me out :)

Peanut I agree - sexual compatibility is hugely important for me - so I would never wait to DTD for 4 or 5 dates or whatever. I'm not sure it made any difference in the way men treated me. I was never interested in men who would judge my libido/enthusiasm for sex ...

I'm not sure I completely agree about income differences - Mr BC would only be able to date from a teeny tiny group of women (very high earner) if he was only going to date someone who's income was similar. He seems quite happy with me (I work for a charity - enough said 😂)

TooOld great news about your son's DLA. My DC eventually got an indefinite award but has recently been transferred over to PIP.

*whose !

I’ve been reading this thread for two years and posted under another name. I just want to say some of the men on here seem to think they are the authority on relationships when the opposite is apparent. Also agree with other posters re painters and vampire wings, I’m hard to offend and I’m open minded but the comments were better kept to the locker room. Made me feel slightly nauseous and it did come across as bragging

Sorry to resurrect issue but I felt I had to comment. Will shut up now 🤐

@kerkyra I think you are nothing more to him than his comfort blanket, he probably does not have strong feelings for you

It's a sad sign of the times when one of my thoughts about falaff were that he didn't ghost her but that's just manners...

@Mel6l72 I thought exactly the same, at least wasn't ghosted, so common these days

Even though it was a very short time it was intense and the thing that upsets me is that it was so unexpected. We slept together and it was very good for both of us, felt very passionate and like it meant something. I had no indication, the opposite. He was the one asking when he would see me again.

It just makes me feel even more demoralised and worried about dating. I'm a really sensitive and emotional person and it'd hard enough when I feel like I am reading the signs correctly. Being led on is just something that hurts me very much. It feels very cruel. Almost like someone allows and encourages me to feel my strong emotions and then tears it down.

I am trying to be less sensitive and emotional so I am affected my these things less but I just can't.

I worry he's just leaving a bread crumb trail for you @kerkyra Tests the water and then comes back again. You aren't putting your life on hold. I wouldn't reply quickly to him though if he goes quiet for a long time frequently

@kerkyra I think I would be happier single than having someone like Mr Village in my life. He may be having a hard time but he is still putting himself out there (i.e. proactively online dating, contacting you) and potentially / actually hurting women.

Decent men like @ant330 and @starryunicorn are aware of themselves getting hurt and of their potential to hurt others.

Awww @falaff I totally get this it's awful. You will feel hurt as you've emotionally invested. I think a lot of us on here understand as we've been there.

You have to give yourself time and then try again

falaff

I'm.really struggling with this dating lark, thet either wanna get in your knickers by love bombing then ghosting , or want a full blown rushed fling then ghost you , I'm about to give up 😭

Agree with StealthNinjaMum there are definitely decent men about as illustrated on this thread by Rich Ant and StarryUnicorn it’s just a case of finding them

@falaff aw pal. It's a right kick in the guts. Especially if you don't see it coming. I get the questioning your own instincts/judgement part too. It's really easy to get demoralised by this sort of thing but five it a few weeks. Listen to some great music. He wasn't the right man but there will be one x

@PrettyPretty

Also agree with other posters re painters and vampire wings, I’m hard to offend and I’m open minded but the comments were better kept to the locker room. Made me feel slightly nauseous and it did come across as bragging

As I previously stated, Jesuis's comment about "challenge accepted" was braggy (a"conquest" type statement), but nobody said anything about that, so I think some people really need to consider their bias on what is acceptable here. It can't be acceptable for a woman to say it and not a man and vice-versa.

I might add that the that the term "vampire wings" was not invented by vwman. It is listed an urban dictionary. Nobody here was bragging about doing it. We were just talking about it. We have certainly talked about more vile things... I can't remember the word, but a word was discussed on here about sexual arousal through vomiting.

I laughed at 'vampire wings'
Just saying

I've obviously been skim-reading far too much as I thought @StarryUnicorn was female! (Sorry @Starry perhaps you could take that as a compliment though!)

@falaff - I completely feel for you. Happened to me at the beginning of the year. First fling since LTR finished, and I was floored by it - had felt nothing when I split from my LTR! But I look back on it and see that perhaps I should chalk it up to experience. This wasn't someone I met online, by the way, it was a set-up. So it's not just OLD that causes heart-break and please don't give up. You will definitely find someone more worthy. to you x

@vwman I don't think it's a man/ woman thing at all
I've had men become 'attached' after dtd who I've had no intention of having a relationship with. I'd rather dtd early on to establish whether it's worth seeing them sitting on again and am perfectly capable of doing so without falling madly in love with whatever's on the end of it.
I'm not denying that some people associate sex with love, but I think it's a much more even split than you think. Certainly if I look at my friendship groups I'd go as far to say that it's the women that have a much more 'smash n dash' attitude to dating

I also think it's utter bollocks that making a man wait makes any difference to how they treat you. If they're going to stick around and want a relationship with you then they'll treat you right whether you've dtd on the 1st/2nd/99th date.

@falaff as hurtful as it is right now, try not to question yourself. You did nothing wrong here, but it hasn't worked out. That's all it is. Try not dwell on him, he wasn't feeling the same as you and, as harsh as it sounds, he wasn't obliged to. He's been honest with you and told you how he's feeling and yes, he maybe should have had the balls to say something sooner but sometimes it is easier to get swept along and say yes than to step back and be honest about how you feel (19 year old me did this and ended up married to it for 14 years 😬)

Take some time for yourself and do something that makes you smile. In a few weeks this will feel like a distant memory and you'll see that it wasn't right for you.