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Original poster

Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

999 replies

MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 20:23

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

OP posts:
NestOfSwipers · 02/05/2019 23:23

I messaged my two (slightly younger) Bumble matches earlier tonight. No replies as yet. I don't have a good feeling about either of these. I've been swiping too but no more matches. I feel like the most unlovable person on the planet at times...

Ant330 · 02/05/2019 23:38

Nest you need to keep reminding yourself that it's nothing to do with you, these guys just aren't the right ones.
It is tough because it makes you wonder what's wrong with you, but the answer is nothing! We've all been there ;)
Keep your chin up, keep swiping, are you on Tinder as well?

30somethingandsingle · 02/05/2019 23:38

@Ant330 I think I will have to talk to him about it on Saturday but I don't want to come across as too insecure (though it appears I am?!). Last time I dated I was young and free with no responsibilities and little care as to what things meant etc maybe that's why I ended up with the stbxh Hmm

30somethingandsingle · 02/05/2019 23:40

@falaff ThanksThanks

falaff · 02/05/2019 23:45

Thanks for the flowers. I don't get it. I've just asked him what happened and he said he didn't mean to lead me on. He gave me zero indication that he didn't want to be with me. I told him I don't like sleeping with people for the hell of it. He instigated most of the dates, said he wanted to see me, kisses me, made me feel like he really wanted to spend time with me. But now he says it happened too fast for him to process how he really felt and it was too easy to go with the flow, and he didn't want to lead me on. What the actual fuck.

I'm so confused and hurt.

Bluezoo123 · 03/05/2019 01:11

So sorry falaff - how long were you seeing him for? I know it hurts - be kind to yourself.

vwman · 03/05/2019 02:40

@falaff I can understand where he is coming from. Men are often not in tune with the way they feel to the same extent as you are, and often they have to have sex with you to work out whether they have a connection. Whereas you would dtd if you felt a connection. It makes him seem like a player however he was honest with you as soon as he sorted out how he felt. So in the future maybe it feels right for you to hold back, a man who truly wants a relationship will accept that plus it gives him time to work out how he feels about you without you getting hurt

StealthNinjaMum · 03/05/2019 06:36

Thanks vwman that comment has pretty much put me off men for life.

Falaff I hope you're ok. Flowers

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/05/2019 06:40

@Falaff sorry to hear this, I’ve been there and it really sucks.
I was dating a guy last year and he was very keen, arranging nights/weekends away, planning things for weeks/months ahead and then he came round one evening for dinner and told me he felt the spark had gone and ended it. I was shell shocked...not because I even cared that much about him but because it was so unexpected.

I took a few weeks out and then got back out there x

Mel6l72 · 03/05/2019 07:24

@falaff Really sorry. There was a really good discussion on here a few weeks ago about how the ending of short term relationships can be more of a sharp shock than the ending of a long term relationship because we often see the ending coming of a long term one.

@vwman you really need to stop speaking for the male gender. What you've said is only about your experience and you.

putastrawunderbaby · 03/05/2019 07:25

@falaff so sorry - how horribly unexpected Flowers
@vwman if that's true - and I hope it's not - then men go down in my estimation too

StarryUnicorn · 03/05/2019 07:26

@Falaff Flowers
This is probably the thing that scares me the most about OLD, that someone would do this to me, or even worse that I might do this to someone else due to my naivety.

vwman yet again with the tired old clichés?

vwman · 03/05/2019 07:26

Men are often not on the same page after dtd. You can have a huge release of oxytocin and jump on the smitten bench, he doesn't necessarily. It then becomes a shock when he says he doesn't feel it for you some time afterwards.

Mel6l72 · 03/05/2019 07:31

I wish there was a block poster option on here...

ItsAMiracle2015 · 03/05/2019 07:35

falaff I hope you're okay. Flowers

BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/05/2019 07:35

Falaff Flowers it's such a horrible feeling when this happens - such a rejection. Be kind to yourself, take a break, then get back out there.

Eesha · 03/05/2019 07:36

@falaff I didn't want to read and run but in really sorry this has happened to you. From reading this thread for years, so many similar stories yet the same people have still found happiness afterwards. Just try and keep in mind that this happened early so imagine if it were later down the line. Also, agree with PP, people never post crap stuff on social media so try and avoid if you can. Take a mini break, dust yourself off and be happy xx

kerkyra · 03/05/2019 07:42

I really do agree with vw and after dtd I just hope they are on the same page. If you sleep with someone early,which I have done many times in the past,the bloke then often dumped me after a few weeks. It's made me so wary. Unless you can have a don't give a toss attitude and keep your emotions out of it,which I can't.

Harsh words mr drummer. We are all looking for something though often not quite sure what. If I've had breadcrumbs for the last few weeks and now he seems to be upping his game,then surely that's good.You said yourself all your past relationships were infact fbw when you assumed they were a relationship. I'm busy with a child with asd and who refuses to go to his dads tomorrow for the first time in eight years and got to tell the ex, maybe the odd snog and call is all I need at the moment. His end the wife is still there. It's a little frustrating but it's ok

Lovemusic33 · 03/05/2019 07:42

vwman I’m sure this is the case of some men but not all, I’m sure women can do this too. I think sometimes it’s easy to get carried away and then when you pause for a while you realise the feelings are not what you thought.

falf so sorry this has happened, he shouldn’t have led you on. It has happened to me and yes I do think some men find it easy to lay it on thick and make you feel like they are really into you. He should have told you sooner. Be kind to yourself today, there are genuine guys out there who know how to express their feelings.

Mel6l72 · 03/05/2019 07:47

I should say I know the oxytocin thing is true and it's biological but even then women will be affected differently

Ceebeegee · 03/05/2019 07:48

Another one on the kitten bench here.

Was meant to be on a date tonight but he hasnt replied since Wednesday night so guess that's off.

There was another one I was chatting to and invited out for a drink (literally just a drink in a pub or bar) and he said it would have to wait until payday which has really put me off. I feel mean about it, but my gut is telling me to walk away from this one. I'm not looking for a rich sugar daddy, just someone adult and responsible. I had a bad time with my STBXH, I had to quite often bail him out with money at the end of each month and never saw that money back. I dont want to get back into that again.
If this guy can't afford a tenner for a drink in a bar, then he must be struggling financially. Which I can totally sympathise with, but equally, I don't really need extra stress in my life. I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable or selfish and mean.

JeSuisPrest · 03/05/2019 07:49

@Falaff I got given the same "it's not you, it's me" speech after 4 months with someone. It stings like hell, but it's a part of the risk we all take when dating. I'm so sorry lovely. It appears that he's been open and honest with you though, so you need to try and process it as best you can, realise just as you weren't the one for him, neither was he the one for you and there will be someone that thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them and you shouldn't be settling for anything less than that.Flowers

Eesha · 03/05/2019 07:50

@Ceebeegee trust your instincts, I probably wouldn't meet myself. I think when incomes etc vary significantly, it's hard to make things work

vwman · 03/05/2019 07:53

Lovemusic33 I did say some

falaff he probably liked you and fancied you, and feels bad himself about the way he has made you feel, but if he made you believe that his feelings were deeper that was wrong

Notcoolmum · 03/05/2019 07:53

sorry you are going through this @Falaff. I don't think it's a man/woman thing. I was dating someone who I wasn't sure if I was really in to but we DTD a few times before I decided that there were parts of his personality that just didn't work for me and I suppose looking back I just stopped engaging with him in the same way and then he did the same back. He told me he was looking for a relationship and he didn't think I was. I was, but I knew that isn't what I saw happening with him.

I think it can be hard to know what it is we are looking for, what we are happy to settle with, when something is fun and then stops being fun when we are feeling our way through OLD. Unless you meet someone and everything just clicks and falls in to place, which I suppose it what we should all be holding out for. But will we all get that? Sorry I'm rambling now!

kerkrya do you want to pick things back up with village pub man?