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Original poster

Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

999 replies

MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 20:23

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

OP posts:
SimonJT · 02/05/2019 21:17

I’m still tired after Tuesday, I’m not sure I’m cut out for late nights when I have work the next day. He messaged me a few times earlier today then I called him on the train home, I don’t have ang childcare for a while now, but we’re going to be at the same two day conference next Wednesday/Thursday. I guess I need a nickname for mine, but I don’t know what.

30somethingandsingle · 02/05/2019 21:19

@Ant330 yes I tried to end it a few days ago and he phoned me straight away and said he had been holding back so as not to scare me off and absolutely didn't want things to end and arranged to come over that night but then cancelled (genuine enough reason) He text a few minutes ago to say he's looking forward to Saturday (when we are next meeting). I think it feels worse than it may be is as it's been 2 weeks nearly since I last saw him (work and dc schedules clashed).

TooOldForThis67 · 02/05/2019 21:20

Sidge - my experience of being a cougar is that they were the ones who were a bit insecure. Being older means you have more stuff sorted and they envy that, no matter what or how that is. From my POV it was purely a 'they'll wake up one day and see the wrinkles' and I hated that thought.

falaff · 02/05/2019 21:45

Ugh guys I need a bit of a handhold. So I'm supposed to be meeting up with my guy, let's call him MrBusy, tomorrow. I'm on a little UK holiday, been sending the odd picture, trying not to be in touch too much. If you remember this is the guy who never replies to messages.

Day before yesterday we messaged a bit, yesterday he replied with a short message, today I text him briefly about an idea for our date tomorrow (which he suggested) and nothing.

I'm really worked up about it. I know part of it is me; I'm not used to people not replying for hours or even days. He's so lovely in person and I know he's a really busy guy with his own business etc. Also he's an introvert, and he told me he's terrible at reading a message and then not replying for a while. I've turned off read notifications but I doubt he hasn't got my messages.

So part of me is saying this is normal for him and it's my problem, the other part is saying he's lost interest. I'm so gutted. I feel like we have a connection and it feels like now he's slept with me he's either lost interest or I've scared him off be being too keen. I thought he would be different. I feel bloody awful and so rejected.

:(

lifegoes · 02/05/2019 21:48

@falaff what time did you text him??

Ant330 · 02/05/2019 21:55

30 it sounds like you've got too much thinking time in between seeing each other.
But if you told him that part of the reason you wanted to end it was his lack of communication between dates you'd think he'd be trying harder? Does he just have a lot on with work and kids?
It's always sounded like you've had a great time when you've seen him so I'm loathe to say anything negative, but if you're back on Fab because you're bored then something's not right.

falaff · 02/05/2019 21:57

I asked him if he'd been to a place about 8am and then sent a sort of a firmer invite about 6pm when I got back. He suggested tomorrow night as he knows I'll be back then. I don't feel like I'm being needy or texting too much. But I'm trying to plan my day too and feel like I'm hanging onto meeting him. I just feel bloody anxious and awfully rejected, I had a bit of a cry to my friend about it. I'm on bloody holiday! I really opened up to this guy, he seemed very genuine and just lovely with his head screwed on. He knows I don't sleep with people willy nilly and told him I was worried about being hurt. So unless he's totally stupid will have some idea that I'm probably thinking about all of this. I can't imagine him ghosting me but maybe I'm just a terrible judge of people and am destined to be fucked about and hurt.

lifegoes · 02/05/2019 22:01

Being honest @falaff and I don't know this guy so could be any reason.

But I recently had the same, he swore he wouldn't hurt me like the rest. I opened up and then found out he had a GF.

I'm NOT saying it's the same, but if he's not replied by in the morning I would be making alt plans. Even if he gets in touch after, nobody should mess you around like this

30somethingandsingle · 02/05/2019 22:03

@Ant330 yes he's been busy working lates this week hence not really having chance to meet up. We usually see each other once or twice a week.
That's it, when I'm with him I always have a great time and there are no doubts at all. We have already arranged a mid week date for next week too.
I think a little bit of it is possibly boredom and the other part is potentially self sabotage/excuses as we may be heading past the 'dating' stage. This is the closest and longest I've been involved with anyone since my marriage ended and it's freakin' scary!

Peanuthedz · 02/05/2019 22:04

@Sidge Yes. Of course I feel insecure. I can't get my head round why on earth he's with me. I'm a menopausal housewife. He's a sex pirate. I mean WTF? I've been waiting for it to end since it started...

kerkyra · 02/05/2019 22:07

falaff that sounds so hard. I hope he txts tonight so you know whats going on.
Second date with younger man today. Still no snog,just an awkward hug and peck in the supermarker carpark. We had a lovely time though,went shopping and played pool. Really not sure what will happen here. I mean, I've done the marriage thing and kids and I think that's what he wants but he did hint about me cooking one night and that he would like to do theatre and things with me. Should I be unselfish and tell him to find a younger woman?

Tonight a txt came through from village man and I replied. Then he called me out the blue,which he has never done.Said he has a busy weekend but wants us to go out for a drink soon. I'm a bit shocked to be honest. Feels nice though

Ant330 · 02/05/2019 22:16

30 well after being given an opportunity to say what's wrong you've told me what's right instead so I'd say it's just fine, you just need to encourage plenty of communication inbetween dates so you don't get bored :)
I vompletely get the scary bit and self sabotaging I was posting the same earlier 😂 it's almost easier to look for all the reasons it won't work than accept it might be getting serious. MissOz was talking about holidays last night 😱

falaff · 02/05/2019 22:17

Well he's just text and just said he's not feeling it as much as he thinks he should be so doesn't want to see me any more. I feel fucking awful. I just want to be happy. My bloody abusive ex is in Italy right now with the girl he met 3 week after we split. He's so happy and I'm so fucking sad. I don't even know what to do with myself.

30somethingandsingle · 02/05/2019 22:24

Thanks @Ant330 makes me feel a bit better that I'm not the only one to have these doubts and look for things that are wrong. Think it's a bit of self preservation kicking in!

Typically, we're playing text tennis tonight now. Definitely put me at ease again...until the next time 😂

lifegoes · 02/05/2019 22:26

@falaff oh I don't know what to say! It's so hard to hear that and your gut was right.

But one thing I've learnt is don't look at social media and assume your ex is happy. He was obv abusive and now she has that. So thank you lucky stars you don't.

Your time will come, but this isn't the one.

These lot will tell you, my word I've had my fair share of OLD cocks. But I'm still going

kerkyra · 02/05/2019 22:28

I'm so sorry falaff, it's so horrible and we have all been there. His loss x

Ant330 · 02/05/2019 22:32

lifegoes glad you remembered to use capital letters for OLD, that would have read VERY differently otherwise :)

lifegoes · 02/05/2019 22:33

@Ant330 I've learnt my lesson the hard way on this post 😂😂😂.

Ant330 · 02/05/2019 22:43

30 if you're doing text tennis tonight it just sounds like he perhaps goes quiet when he's really busy.
It's probably the contrast between lots of texting to hardly any that's making you worry there's something wrong.
Tell him, I know that exposing our insecurities isn't supposed to be the done thing, but if it's going to progress beyond dating then being open and honest is part of that.

Fuck I sound like a right hypocrite after what I was posting earlier 😂

Original poster
MrDrummer · 02/05/2019 22:43

@falaff Just caught the tail end. Sorry to hear what happened. Threads always here when you need it and there's usually someone to talk to (even via pm if you need it).

OP posts:
Original poster
MrDrummer · 02/05/2019 22:45

@kerkyra Do you think you might be heading to the friendzone with this younger man? I think village man is friend territory I think he is going to be very frustrating in terms of dating.

OP posts:
falaff · 02/05/2019 22:56

Thanks guys. I honestly don't know what happened, last time we saw each other we were saying how great it was and it was all very passionate etc. I don't get it. I don't know how he can be so into me and then say he's not feeling it. What a complete head fuck.

kerkyra · 02/05/2019 23:04

drummer I think you're right about the younger one but i'm feeling quite hopeful that something may happen with village man. My gut is telling me he's getting keen! Might have to eat my words...and i'm not hanging about forever but I have a feeling.

Original poster
MrDrummer · 02/05/2019 23:12

@kerkyra his definition of keeness is call you up every two weeks, pop round for a snog then disappear again for another two weeks. Unless he has upped his game in the meantime, of course.

OP posts:
TooOldForThis67 · 02/05/2019 23:14

What do you do when you are on the opposite ends of a break up? Like tonite I am rejoicing a bit cos my son's DLA has been awarded the same rate as before for another 3.5 yrs. It's a lot of money and I appreciate that. But MrWow is on the opposite end and is drained financially. He feels so inadequate. I don't see him that way. It's heart breaking.