Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

[MrDrummer]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

@Ash559 for me there has to be some attraction, but I can find that I think someone is 'ok' looking from pics but when meeting them I fancy the pants off them... and vice versa.

Delurking to ask how much personal info you share before meeting someone. I know some have said they ask for a date's full name so they can check them on social media.
But do you share your full name as well?

A few weeks ago I met someone on Fab for a coffee. I only knew his first name - James. And he knew me by one of my middle names. I would've asked for full details before I met him again.

We got on well and agreed to meet for some fun on the following weekend. Exchanged phone numbers. And then things started to get weird.

He kept asking to meet in the daytime but I said no as I was working. He was never on WA between 6pm and 8am. And only seemed to use it to message me.

The weekend date never happened as he went completely silent from Friday evening to Monday morning. But was back on Monday as if nothing had happened.

I told him it wasn't going to work and said goodbye. I suspected he was married.
But his location on Fab changes frequently to places all around the country. He's displayed new veris from last year, one of which calls him Dan.
And he's now changed his name on Fab to Ryan.

He could just be a married man trying to cover his tracks. Or more worryingly some sort of con artist using different names and locations to meet women.

I'm glad he never knew my first name or where I lived. But it's a mystery who he was and where he actually lives. And what he wanted.

@thisisalongdrive I don't think the pick up artist course he went on worked for him. Message him back "don't worry I thought I would just message you quickly before I went to my flat in Mayfair"

@Ash559 I would like to say looks don't matter but spent yesterday messaging an unsuitable guy purely because of his looks so maybe I'm shallow!

It's tricky because there's such a massive range of men in the ages I'm looking for (late 30s to early 50s) and some guys look after themselves and some don't. I'd say I dress well and exercise and eat healthily so want someone who takes similar care of themselves and just seems youthful. Of the two guys I've dated the guy in his 50s I was dating seemed younger than the guy in his 40s I dated and I much preferred him physically.

Thanks guys, i hardly get any replies on Match so it been on my mind as to whether its how i look. I dont know.

@Ash559 yes I would say just become the best version of you that you can be, get fit, focus on work, get a promotion, start a business, travel the world, have experiences you can talk about and become the man a woman wants and stop fretting about whether someone likes you or not. Most importantly don't be desperate for a relationship, women hate men who show the slightest bit of neediness

@Ash559 no man gets a large number of replies because there are significantly more men on these sites than women. Remember that you may actually be messaging women who are not subscribed on match and will never see the message because they are on there just window shopping.

vwman it depends on the area. Hairyarsedman and I did searches of men and women on our areas and found there were many more women than men in my area and only slightly more women than men in hairyarsedman's area. That could just be Match and I do intend to try pof at some point.

@Ash559 do you know how to do a pm? If you send me a pm with the search criteria of the search you do most often to look for women I will do the exact same search for men and it'll give you an idea of any difference.

@StealthNinjaMum it still doesnt tell you whether they are subscribed though on match.

One thing I have come across in the last 2 days is that I could not send messages to a couple of women I liked the look of because I do not match their criteria. So if I have an empty profile with no criteria I assume I can! What is the point in paying, even though it is only £5 a month, for something that where you STILL cannot message

Yes you're right vwman there is no way of telling who's paid but there were so many more women than men in my area I would be surprised if there were more paying men than women.

The thing where you can't send messages might be the filter thing where you can select who can contact you. I've never done it myself as it seems a waste of money - it's not like I'm inundated with men wanting to contact me!

Well it is their loss, I only saw them because they viewed my profile so something interested them

Match is full of people who look at my profile and favourite me then ignore my messages! It's very strange.

sunshine and sidge - Divorce is not my priority, having been married 3 times I'm not in any hurry to do it again, lol. Probably do a cheap DIY divorce once the financial side has been done. I initially agreed to split 50/50 due to guilt of being the one to end it. Am having 2nd thoughts plus he doesn't remember that I put in more deposit than him, which with interest will be 10K more. I just hate not knowing where I'll be in the next couple of years with a young child at home to support.

@TooOldForThis67 there is no room for guilt when it comes to divorce. Fight for what you are entitled to/need, regardless of your ex and what you have said previously. Your child needs a roof over their head and a stable home environment.

I found Match utterly hopeless. I gave up on there after a trial period and never went back. Tinder/bumble had so many more people on them and the traffic was much higher.

Ash for me it's a combination of looks and profile. You can't always tell that much from photos, especially if they're bad ones. Very few men aren't improved by getting a mate to take some properly nice, well thought out black and white photos. But I have been known to swipe left on someone with a fascinating profile if they look like a troll.

But I think most people go 90% for looks. I pride myself on my witty, interesting bio. Since coming back on Bumble, I have got about the same amount of matches as before- and only realised the other day I'd failed to upload my bio! Honestly, the superficial buggers .

Peanut OMG, we don't have the same Greek man, do we?! My iron is a good 6 years younger than me. I bet yours has explained that Greeks just don't say please and thank you, and this is true. I had a Greek boyfriend in Greece beg me to stop saying please and thank you because "people will think you're taking the piss"!

Re: the living with someone: Never. Never. Never. Any future boyfriend will be quite happy in his own home, and will enjoy coming over only to visit.

Feeling a bit pissed off because my ex has fucked me around with childcare arrangements, and I've had to cancel tomorrow's date with Mr Pharmacist. Luckily, he's been fine about it and has agreed to meet next weekend instead.

Wooooohoooo I have a new iron!!! Mr Filth. (Cos he has that glint in his eyes)

Blimey, page 24 already! This thread is moving way too fast for me so apologies that I keep dropping in and out.

I had date number 4 yesterday, went much better than previous ones. He asked me a few questions, talked less about himself! He suggested we go away for a night when DC are away, just somewhere fair local so not to far from DC. I’m not sure what to do. It puts a lot of pressure on to DTD, but it’s also nice to plan and get excited, so not sure what to do

Not long back from date number 2 with Mr Italian! OMG he’s so gorgeous. He was knackered after a long day at work, I said why did you arrange to meet me tonight knowing you had a long day today? He replied “I just wanted to see you” aaahhhh.

Too early for the Smitten Bench so I’ll stay on the Cougar Bench for now 😁

Well I think I must be in a relationship, we have plans for a night out in December, tickets and everything, his idea to come with me. And tonight there was no sex, he wanted to talk and snuggle. It's all getting very grown up and serious.

atsea sidge and likeriding - this is all positive!
atsea - do you feel ready?

simon and atsea congrats on progress made. We all make it up as we go along, just stay safe, have fun and (I would say) be open about what you want and what you expect.

So, this cougar bench is great for recovery after DTD with a younger man. My Fab guy lasts for hours and hours. I’m knackered.

cassettes - you may need some icecubes, lol.