Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

[MrDrummer]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

Mr Drummer like you and many others I have had painful experiences when ending 'living together' relationships and I am loathe to put myself in a position where it might happen again. I am probably older than quite a few posters on this thread and would rather not entwine my whole life and finances with another person at this stage in my life.

I am not sure whether this will sabotage my chances of a 1-2-1 relationship. Most men I have spoken to about it have agreed that they would prefer a 'close but living separately' arrangement. It is mainly the younger men who have questioned it.

Stealth spiders are such a nuisance. I'm sure there is a gadget somewhere that you can use to trap them and release them outside. Failing that then maybe a lodger is the answer .

@lilyrose88 the spiders example - while flippant- shows how much I have developed in a short space of time. I was so frightened of being on my own but as I loaded an old fence into my car on Monday to take to the dump on my own it really did occur to me my only use for a man is to remove spiders!

@LilyRose88 there is a relationship choice called "Living Apart Together" LAT where you agree that you are a couple and have a commitment but maintain your own place. That way you can decide how much time to spend together. It interests me as well but I think you really need strong trust to do it as obviously you don't know what that other person is doing.

vwman I didn't know there was a name for a LTR where people live apart. I am not so worried about trust issues as if someone wants to cheat or behave badly they can do that if they are living with you or living apart from you.

I am not so worried about trust issues as if someone wants to cheat or behave badly they can do that if they are living with you or living apart from you.

My thoughts too. My ex husband cheated right under my nose so i think I'll always have trust issues, whether i live with someone or not to be honest.

Stealth I have actually spent more of my life living on my own than as a couple. I brought my children up on my own and have had to do all the stuff like taking the rubbish to the tip, dealing with spiders, sorting out flooding washing machines, leaking taps, car breakdowns etc. and as a result I am very independent. I wonder whether that puts men off?

I don't mind a man offering to help me with something, and will gratefully receive help, but maybe outwardly I project such a capable image that it scares men off.

LilyRose88 it would not put me off, in fact I am better with someone like you than a needy woman, I want someone to stand up to me

vwman I know what you mean - I am not very good with needy men either. However, I am not attracted to a relationship with an alpha male either so I suspect this limits the available pool of men. I have seriously thought about dating women recently.

LilyRose88 I would not say that I was an alpha male as I can easily switch into a caring, listening type of guy, there is always that person for you, but it is like a needle in a haystack

sunshine sounds promising, I think it’s easy to get a bit carried away with the sex when it’s really good but it sounds like you are both making the effort to do other things too.

Mr Anxiety has disappeared on me, I think he had a bad day yesterday and maybe he’s taking some time out but it’s a bit annoying as he was messaging quite a lot and we were arranging to meet next week.

I haven’t heard from Mr No hair since his visit yesterday.

Everything’s a bit quite at the moment and I’m unsure if I should get some more irons or not. Might venture onto POF later and message a few people.

Lovemusic33 I dated someone with anxiety once and it was hard work as he often had meltdowns or withdrew completely. I was very sympathetic and understanding to start with but I found that the relationship was all about him and his needs, and my needs were always ignored.

I would try POF as it seems to be quite busy at the moment in my area, but I think we are in different age groups so maybe it is the oldies that are out in force

but maybe outwardly I project such a capable image that it scares men off.

LilyRose88 It is a deeply ingrained gender stereotype that men are good at practical things, and that women need help with them, while I do think there is a slight bias, it is probably one of the least true stereotypes.

There are many men whose practical abilities extend only as far as googling a phone number for a tradesman, and it is something that I think they feel quite insecure about, due to the stereotype expectations.

So if you have picked up these sort of skills then I think you are right, some men will find this intimidating. Doesn't mean you should keep your talents hidden though.

Lily I suffer from anxiety myself but I find this makes me want to rescue others with it (not a good thing), I have days where I vanish from the world and don’t want to text and it probably annoys people 🤣 My Anxiety is pretty much under control and I have found ways to cope, I don’t think he has. I will just give him some space, I’m not going to keep messaging him, I will leave it with him.

Well I'm not worried about a date for the bank holiday weekend - I'm spending Sunday and Monday with the most wonderful man in the world, my father, for his 85th birthday. I'm firmly on the smitten bench re him - since my divorce and my mum's death we have finally got to know each other properly and he is my best friend

That all sounds great @Sunshineandflipflops

There was a phase where every week I was suggesting a menu of activities (pub/club/walk/etc), and she was less interested in them than just time in bed. Took me a while to get the hint. She later said it felt a bit like I wanted to do those things more than see her. I still think a relationship should be about intimate time together and enjoying a variety of things like seeing friends, visiting places etc. Surely both is good?

All will happen in good time I guess. We still can't usually see each other more than once a week, but we're off at the bank hol for a party with some of her friends, another significant milestone!

Cassettes that is a lovely way to spend the bank holiday. Sadly my lovely Dad is no longer around but he was an absolute darling and I would love to be able to spend this bank holiday with him.

Ah, I'm sorry Lily . What a blessing though to have had a lovely father in your life.

Cassettes that's lovely. I am not close (emotionally or geographically) to my parents. Which is becoming problematic as they age - I have no inclination to be a carer (disabled adult DC only just in supported living), have a full time job and they are 2 hours away. I think they expect that I will though ... it's going to be tricky ...

Thanks shitwith. And oof batshit that sounds rough. Do you have siblings you can share the load with?

VWman Didn't know there was a name for it but I've been with someone for 3 years now, we live apart and have no intention of changing things. It works well for us both.

Cassettes no I have no siblings. Hence my 'lonely old age' comment earlier in the thread.

Woah, we're half way there
Woah, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand, we'll make it I swear
Woah, livin' on a prayer

So the swipe-right-on-everyone game...

I tried this and matched with a fairly unattractive woman whom had messages me. Simply unmatched. But they straight away, I realised that the woman had Down syndrome and I actually knew her. She works at a local upmarket food shop and see her quite regularly. Won't be going there again.

Despite my place in hell confirmed, I won't be playing the swipe-right-on-everyone for a while.