Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

[MrDrummer]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

I get that shitwith - it shows that Mr Bookworm is holding you in mind which is lovely. Actions, not words, are what counts. At my age (and this has been corroborated by my counsellor) I think relationships move a bit faster. My age group have less time left on the planet and don't tend to hang around. That said, I don't actually know what I want (marriage, living together). Five years ago when I started my divorce I just wanted out of an unhealthy relationship, my life back and a bit of fun. Now 60 is staring me in the face (although with 5 years between me and it!!) I am slowly changing. I have adult DC, extremely elderly parents but no other family. That's a lonely old age right there ...

BatshitCrazyWoman you're a couple of years older than me, and like you, my children are both over 18. Due to bereavement, my older son may only just be off to uni this year, as is my daughter. Double whammy empty nest. 😢 I'm an only child, and currently NC with my parents and my in laws (late husband's side) couldn't care any less about us if they tried. However, I'm not finding any men in their 50s who aren't pissing me about...

Spurred on by the age gap conversations and a rather lush Merlot, I lowered my expectations age range, and I have been swiping. Honest. No matches this morning but there's time...

Wow batshit you are spot on there - I’m in exactly the same place is you and am dragging myself, screaming and kicking, to the conclusion that I haven’t got time for ‘just fun’ any more. It sucks.

shitwith - teabags, now pillows, what next!? Lol.

As for the grand declarations of love, I got that in buckets full with MrWow when we got back together. It's what I needed to hear as it's helped me relax about 'us'. Seems like he needed that time apart to realise what he was missing! It's been just over a year since we first got together, just to put things in perspective.

@Ash559 another Match user here and I will probably try pof when I have time to sit down and write a new profile / get new photos.

I signed up for 6 months with Match so will see it through and in fairness I have dated two men which is OK given how busy I am. @HairyArsedMan and I have the same experience of people favouriting us and then rejecting us when we send them a message. I think sometimes people favourite through the shuffle tool and then look at the actual details and there's a bit about you they don't like so they reject you but I have to say the first couple of times I got rejected for that reason it stung. Also as mentioned by a pp lots of people set up an account without paying, you message and they never see it.

My main problems with Match seem to be lack of local guys and guys of my age (40s) only wanting women in their 30s yet no shortage of men in their 20s and 30s being interested in me to the extent I am considering dating someone young enough to be my son!

Batshit I am a couple of years older than you and I feel the same about relationships. I really don't want a series of ONS or FWBs, I want a proper relationship where there is an 'us' and we plan things for the future. I don't want to live with anyone again but I want to have someone I see a lot of. Both my children have left home and my parents are sadly no longer around, and even my cats are getting old!

@DaffoDeffo I feel ya on that slow mo thing. It's probably 30% of the reason I ended it with my iron. Except my iron at 40+ had a past littered with short dating scenarios and never lived with a woman. Have you met his pals and has he met yours? For me that's the point where I feel like it's going somewhere because you're actually in each others lives

Yeah to irons popping out of the woodwork. The guy who cancelled coffee on me TWICE then came back around 2 months later asking to call me, then called me at 7am! I told him to bugger off. Yeah he called me out of nowhere again a few weeks back. I didn't pick up obviously

batshit is bang on the money, it's all about the actions.

batshit cassette nest I am in a very similar position to you though slightly younger. Adult dcs, only one of my parents still alive and quite poorly. I find myself wondering what a relationship looks like because I'm not sure if I want to live with someone again or not. I probably would have said I did but now I am really not sure.

I may be being unfair with MrF. It has been a bit on and off, for all sorts of reasons and he has told me he wanted to take it slowly as it started with a bit of a bang. We are gradually integrating into each other's lives but I would echo what nest said. Far from finding men in our age group don't want to mess around and are keener to settle, I'm finding the total opposite. Almost as though they have suddenly realised there is a sweetie jar out there and they want to make sure they've dipped their hand in it!

Well MrSAS came round last night for dinner and sleepover. It was lovely (he was impressed by my cooking) but I got 3 hours sleep and he just wants to go and go and go (and again this morning). I don't exactly tell him to stop as I enjoy it too much but if Tuesday nights are going to be a regular thing then we need to go to bed earlier or something as I am falling asleep at my desk!

The sexual chemistry between us is unreal and he agrees...there's just this amazing connection. He keeps asking me what I'd like him to do to me though when we dtd and I don't know how to answer as I'm perfectly happy with what he does anyway!

To live with someone or not live with someone is such a tough choice; most of us have taken great pain in extracting ourselves from someone else's life, then built something for ourselves. Do we want to risk it all again?

I felt I would, if I met the right person. Maybe those thoughts sabotage my attempts to find the right person, though.

The word "sabotage" gets used an awful lot on this thread.

Gosh the old irons really are coming out of the woodwork! I have just had a message from a guy on POF who I met last year and had the most excruciating evening with where there was clearly no chemistry and nothing in common. He has clearly forgotten all about it and messaged me saying I look lovely and he would love to meet me. And another one who I spoke to on the phone last year and felt that we really didn't click has been in touch asking if we can meet. At least he acknowledged hat we had spoken before.

I have just blocked someone else on POF who was quite odd last year. He got in touch again on POF insisting that he and I are made for each other and we should meet immediately. I politely explained that we had spoken on the phone last year and he had behaved quite strangely (won't say too much as it is outing). He made an excuse about having had a crisis in his life but insisted everything was fine now and that we should meet very soon. I explained that I didn't think it would work between us and he started to get weird again. Luckily I blocked his phone number last year so he couldn't call me this time.

I guess they all want a date for the bank holiday weekend!

Sunshine I am very envious of your relationship with Mr SAS. I would love to find someone that I want to shag, let alone have amazing sexual chemistry with. I sometimes wonder whether there is something wrong with me as most of the time I just can't imagine sleeping with any of the guys I date.

My last two recent long terms were both in their fifties. Both great in bed with no issues. Both vanilla ish. But one was forever going on holiday,lads trips to Butlins and so many stag do's that I felt invisible. The other one last summer just wanted to move in after a few months. Too needy.

I also dated a thirty one year old who was great fun and had a really great outlook on life. Didn't seem to have many worries and i found him refreshing.

I have date,what forty( in the last 5yrs!) in two hours,pleeease let there be a spark on both sides. It must be my turn surely! I took lifes advice and have been messaging loads as he is a keen txter

@LilyRose88 I've dated a few guys post separation and pre MrSAS and while the sex was fine, it didn't blow my mind until now so I'm sure your time will come. You wouldn't be very envious of my aching legs and under eye bags this morning!

I do also worry that it's all about sex with us. We get on really well but a lot of our time together is spent having sex, unless we make the effort to leave the house so that we can't have sex! He's very complimentary while we are intimate and says how much he feels a connection but he hasn't said much about his feelings other than that and I don't want to push in case it's not what I want to hear...

I'm very good at burying my head in the sand.

And re the living with someone thing @MrDrummer...it's something I think about too. Mr SAS spent the night last night and while it was lovely to go to bed together/wake up together, he didn't leave until I left for work so I was getting ready with him there and it threw me! I am so used to doing my own thing, my own routing in the morning, etc that I felt quite self conscious and aware. Dtd multiple times = no problem but getting ready for work in front of someone else = scary and weird!

Ash and @StealthNinjaMum I think this is the norm across most of the platforms. It's certainly my experience with Bumble - where matches lapse without a message. I've mentioned it before but some people online are liberal swipers/fav'ers and do it to see who swipes/fav's back before making their choice about who to message and reply to. The thing is to not take it personally - one day you will be someone's choice.

lily I think meeting someone like that is very rare. I would say in my whole life, I have probably only met 2 or 3 men where I felt that way and it continued. So don't think it's you!

@mrdrummer I am fairly open to all possibilities and you should be too. At first I thought I'd never want another man to move in with me but someone I really respect is very happily married to her third husband - and has been for 20 years - so I don't think I will know what I want until I meet the right man. I'm hoping things would develop at a natural pace like with the other three men I lived with . In the mean time I am wondering if I should look for a gay lodger as I would really like a man around the house to remove the spiders.

@Sunshineandflipflops Mr SAS sounds perfect and I don't think you should worry about things just being about sex. I personally always thought for men, if there is sexual chemistry, that is pretty much it for them as in its love!

MrDrummer it is hard to know wether I would let someone into my life (live with them) as I’m sure it would be for many of us. Since I split with my ex husband I had one relationship and he moved himself into my house quickly, it ended very badly and I don’t think I could take that risk again, especially whilst I have dc living at home.

SunShine Mr SAS sounds just like Mr SA, the sex was amazing and we had a real connection (or so I thought) but other then the sex there wasn’t that much between us, I ended up getting hurt as I wanted more than just the amazing sex and he didn’t. He had a great way of making me feel special and amazing in bed. I would like to find someone that I have that chemistry with but be able to have a relationship with out of the bedroom too.

@LilyRose88 I feel the same as you, sometimes not even wanting to have sex with the men I've had dates with. However this thread should show you that it's definitely possibly. So many smitten kittens so there has to be matches out there!!!

It's def the season for ex's not only did I receive that text the other day from an old iron. I've just received a text from an actual Ex asking how I am. After 18months 👀👀👀👀

@Love this is my worry. We spent the last bank hol together and did some really nice 'coupley' things together and we will be spending this sun/mon together so I'm sure we'll make it out of the bedroom at some point. He's also bought tickets for a gig on 5 weeks time for us both and booked a hotel so that's more than just sex I guess, and looking to the future a bit...?

@Stealth...MrSAS removed a spider from my kitchen sink this morning
I could have done it myself but he's already done it!