Dh says the spark has gone !

[sparklyunicorntits]

So I've namechanged for this.
Sorry if this is abit waffly, I'm just typing it out the way I'm thinking it so bear with me.

Dh and I in bed last night just laying there chatting /getting in the mood, and dh says he misses the feeling of being in love. well I didn't see that one coming ! We had a conversation about how he feels like the spark has gone and how to get it back, and what do I think?! Well I guess I've been feeling very flat lately myself, definitely do not get butterflies anymore when he walks into a room but I just thought that was a part of a long term relationship/marriage. He also added that he thinks I am an absolutely amazing mum to our 3dc but our marriage is a bit neglected and that he's not blaming anyone but that's just the way he feels.

So as not to drip feed, we have 3 young dc like I said to whom I am a sahm, he has a demanding job with long hours but it pays very well so we can afford a very comfortable lifestyle, big beautiful house, nice things , meals out etc. However I have zero help with childcare (I have lost both parents in the past 8 years) so most of my time goes on the dc, all the housework, dinner, dc homework, clubs that kind of thing. Dh can't usually take off during school holidays so during school holidays it's even more of a juggle for me trying to maintain the home, abit of routine, taking the dc out etc. Come evening I am absolutely drained and have very very little (if any) interest in adult conversation. My sex drive is non existent (sorry if tmi but I think it's relevant), I thought it might be due to the fact that I was a stone heavier after dc3 (who is 20 months old) so I went on a diet and lost the stone but I still feel the same and I think dh takes that a bit personal but honestly it isn't , i just can't be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is! Before anyone asks, I am not depressed or on any oral contraception/any other medication. I have been through a fair bit with the loss of my parents but life stops for no one unfortunately and we carry our grief within us every single day but I have young children to attend to and life must go on. Dh does what he can (school run in the morning, putting out the bins, gardens maintenance) but as he works long hours it's hard for him also. He is usually home for the dc bedtime but I always do bedtime alone, he doesn't really help out with the dc and then wonders why I'm so tired 🙄 We havnt been out in ages just the two of us, the dc are always with us and it is abit of a drain to be honest but we don't have the childcare and we dont trust to use any babysitting services that we don't know on a personal level so that rules that out. Our relationship has actually been reduced to funny anecdotes about the dc, requests for milk or cake on the way home and/or home renovation talks. Fuck that makes us sound so dull

I feel a bit annoyed actually, and I don't really understand why! I guess it's because although I know how he's feeling and I feel the same way, i just feel like he's rocking the boat for no reason, does that make sense? I just feel like I'm working so hard to keep on top of everything and he's now saying the spark has gone or is going. I mean after 16 years together (I got together with him when I was young, now in my mid thirties) , 3dc and a fuck load of responsibilities, what does he expect ? He's always going on about the 'good old days' (at uni, when we lay in a single bed all day and HAD NO CHILDREN) but it's a completely different life now! Did I mention the 3dc

So anyway, don't know if anyone has made head or tail of this load of waffle but I guess what I'm saying is what do you all think of it and any pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

Can I ask why you have no help with the DC or the house? Since your income is so good?

I don't know it just seems like a waste of money to me as I'm a sahm so I just think I should be doing it ?

I couldn't have a cleaner. I'm so particular about the way I keep my home , I don't even like dh touching most of the cleaning. If he does help I redo it

No! God no!
As you say, you're knackered...no time for yourself etc! Get a bloody cleaner and some childcare!

Do you and DH have any time alone at all? Nights out? Or lunch together or other things like a nice walk in the country and a pint?

These are the things which keeps the spark going OP.

Well there's an issue right there. Do you suffer from anxiety? Re the "couldn';t have a cleaner"

I feel like your H to be honest, just there to raise kids and as a coparenting relationship. Seems to be not that unusual from many MN threads. I'd be surprised if marriage doesn't fail when the nest is empty.

Sorry for the downer!

Hmm I do suffer from anxiety after losing my mum and maybe some control issues if you spoke to dh but I honestly don't think that's the problem here. I'm just a fussy cow, and I like doing things my way in my home that's all it is.

Childcare I would love to have help with but it would literally be just for an evening or day here and there, when dh and I want to go out alone, so nothing regular iykwim.

What you say makes perfect sense to me, it’s not woffle.

I also think your situation is very common. Being married with three small children is like running a nursery with someone you used to date.

But given that your husband has raised it and you agree , I would start off by asking him what HE is going to change to fix the problem.

Then make a plan together. He makes some changes first and sustain them and then you will make some agreed changes. The initiative and ownership of the plan needs to come from him.

Take no action yourself until you see sustained change from him. You need to see the commitment from him first.

Otherwise what will happen is that you will perform a long list of stuff that he wants while he will think about ( at some indeterminate date ) “trying “ to change . It won’t happen and you will become angry and even more tired.

This pattern will repeat until the resentment destroys your marriage.

Do not I repeat NOT get sucked into thinking that this is your problem to solve. Or that coming up with a solution band the monitoring of its implementation should be added to your extensive to do list.

Also do not listen to any 1950s housewives who appear on this thread and tell you to fix it by loosing weight and wear pretty clothes. Or that if you don’t give him sex on demand he will look elsewhere and it’s all your fault.

You are a team and this needs a team solution .

It's vital OP that you keep a sense of self....you also need a life. As Keep says...you're not the sum total of your kids and house.

Get a hobby....start some sport or something fun.

Get a cleaner and a job - part time whatever. You sound like me, except I'm a few years older and the h that said the spark had gone a few years ago has decided to leave- you have a chance not to go down this path. If you need support, therapy, whatever get it. My cleaner does the nasty jobs like scrubbing the shower and stove, no shame in that. You need to refind your identity, I was too late

What a ridiculous thing for your DH to say! Of course the initial spark has gone after 16 years with three do one of them a baby. Kits called raising a family and being a mum and dad. Howe've friends of mine with successful relationships do have regular date nights where they can connect and talk and have fun. I think it's really important not to neglect that.

You need to take some time out, just for you. You also need time out with just your husband. If you both feel like this then it is probably a wake up call, your marriage is endangered. What about his parents, can they not step up for a few hours a week? What about using a nursery for the children or seeing if one of the employees there would do a few hours babysitting in the evening so you can get out. You both need to be proactive in trying to improve things. The easiest thing to do is to do nothing.

Oh and yes, do get a cleaner. Just tell them how you want it done, a good cleaner will oblige. Don’t use an agency since you want the same person every week.

Then you can stop redoing what your husband does. I hope he doesn’t know you do this.

@ImNotNigel like trying to run a nursery with someone you used to date.... omg I love you best and most accurate thing I have heard in years

But yes the rest of your post makes perfect sense also, I don't want this to be me scrambling for a solution just because he's raised it. Definitely not.

Hmm I do suffer from anxiety after losing my mum and maybe some control issues if you spoke to dh but I honestly don't think that's the problem here. I'm just a fussy cow, and I like doing things my way in my home that's all it is.

You're cutting your nose off to spite your face. There's no point DH doing cleaning if he knows you are going to redo it. My foster mum used to do that and it drove me insane.

Make a list of everything to do. Pick what would make the most difference to your life and prioritise outsourcing those things. Get DH to help. Arrange something that means you can spend time together and get back to being "you". There is surely more to you than having a house that's cleaned in a particular way.

What about other family members on both sides to help with DC.

What Nigel says sounds perfectly sensible. He’s raised it, so what’s he going to do to start fixing it? You feel the same way, but are too busy dealing with grief and the children to devote much thought to it.

More generally, I would be reclaiming my life from running the household. You sound bored and exhausted. Are you considering returning to work, if not now, in the mid-term future?

He knows I redo it because I do it my way straight after he's finished

Gosh Im starting to feel a bit worried now after reading some of the replies.

As you can afford it i really think you should outsource some housework and look into using some childcare. I know you say you are 'particular' but you do still need to work at a marriage and i think it is important to prioritise some adult time with your spouse. That is how you keep the 'spark'

He does need to step up and do a bit more around the house but if you're in the habit of not letting him i can see why he don't.

I think you should treat this as a wake up call and an opportunity to make some changes.

It sounds like you are in a privileged position where you could pay for some help and reduce the burden on yourself, which might help you to get a bit of you back. It does sound like you want to be in control and might take seeing any help (cleaning, childcare, grief counselling) as a form of failure on your part.

Relationships change and evolve but it's very important you and your DH have a relationship separate to your children. And I think a healthy sex life is really important. Sali Hughes has done a good podcast on the importance of a maintenance shag for keeping things going.

You must have friends who could sit the kids for a few hours so yiu and DH can go for a meal/drink/walk anything that isn't about the kids or the house. Reconnect.

*why he doesn't

@Dg89 I have no family local and his parents spend long periods of time abroad , and he is NC with the sister that would have been willing to help out with childcare so that leaves us buggered for childcare from family. All my friends have young dc and I feel bad for asking them to watch my 3 on top of their own so we just take them with us.

Oh and I agree that HE needs to think about what he can do to bring the spark back as well.

So if your husband says “ I’d like more date nights “ then it can be his job to find a regular babysitter. As you have a baby you will probably want an adult / someone experienced with LOs rather than a friends teenager. We used to use one of the nursery staff from the nursery our children attended.

Your DH can find someone and interview them, let the kids meet them, make sure you are happy etc.

Your contribution can be getting the kids ready for bed the evening you go out and booking a restaurant / theatre tickets.

If you do all the work , he has no stake in the success of it. He will come in late from work that night, you will be furious and disappointed and he will shrug his shoulders and say “ not my fault, boss/ client kept me late “ etc etc.

I think you should talk some more with him about getting "the spark" back. What does he suggest? Don't make it all your problem to solve. Hire a babysitter and have a night out or do an afternoon activity together. You need to reconnect before resentment on his part starts to set in.

Was it a genuine "we need to work on our marriage" or do you think it is more serious and he is laying the groundwork towards maybe leaving, has his eye on someone at work, wants a crack at the single life again etc.