Dh says the spark has gone !

[sparklyunicorntits]

So I've namechanged for this.
Sorry if this is abit waffly, I'm just typing it out the way I'm thinking it so bear with me.

Dh and I in bed last night just laying there chatting /getting in the mood, and dh says he misses the feeling of being in love. well I didn't see that one coming ! We had a conversation about how he feels like the spark has gone and how to get it back, and what do I think?! Well I guess I've been feeling very flat lately myself, definitely do not get butterflies anymore when he walks into a room but I just thought that was a part of a long term relationship/marriage. He also added that he thinks I am an absolutely amazing mum to our 3dc but our marriage is a bit neglected and that he's not blaming anyone but that's just the way he feels.

So as not to drip feed, we have 3 young dc like I said to whom I am a sahm, he has a demanding job with long hours but it pays very well so we can afford a very comfortable lifestyle, big beautiful house, nice things , meals out etc. However I have zero help with childcare (I have lost both parents in the past 8 years) so most of my time goes on the dc, all the housework, dinner, dc homework, clubs that kind of thing. Dh can't usually take off during school holidays so during school holidays it's even more of a juggle for me trying to maintain the home, abit of routine, taking the dc out etc. Come evening I am absolutely drained and have very very little (if any) interest in adult conversation. My sex drive is non existent (sorry if tmi but I think it's relevant), I thought it might be due to the fact that I was a stone heavier after dc3 (who is 20 months old) so I went on a diet and lost the stone but I still feel the same and I think dh takes that a bit personal but honestly it isn't , i just can't be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is! Before anyone asks, I am not depressed or on any oral contraception/any other medication. I have been through a fair bit with the loss of my parents but life stops for no one unfortunately and we carry our grief within us every single day but I have young children to attend to and life must go on. Dh does what he can (school run in the morning, putting out the bins, gardens maintenance) but as he works long hours it's hard for him also. He is usually home for the dc bedtime but I always do bedtime alone, he doesn't really help out with the dc and then wonders why I'm so tired 🙄 We havnt been out in ages just the two of us, the dc are always with us and it is abit of a drain to be honest but we don't have the childcare and we dont trust to use any babysitting services that we don't know on a personal level so that rules that out. Our relationship has actually been reduced to funny anecdotes about the dc, requests for milk or cake on the way home and/or home renovation talks. Fuck that makes us sound so dull

I feel a bit annoyed actually, and I don't really understand why! I guess it's because although I know how he's feeling and I feel the same way, i just feel like he's rocking the boat for no reason, does that make sense? I just feel like I'm working so hard to keep on top of everything and he's now saying the spark has gone or is going. I mean after 16 years together (I got together with him when I was young, now in my mid thirties) , 3dc and a fuck load of responsibilities, what does he expect ? He's always going on about the 'good old days' (at uni, when we lay in a single bed all day and HAD NO CHILDREN) but it's a completely different life now! Did I mention the 3dc

So anyway, don't know if anyone has made head or tail of this load of waffle but I guess what I'm saying is what do you all think of it and any pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

So i was tutoring my eldest for the 11 plus which was a massive drain on my time and energy , now she has a tutor for that so that's saved a lot of hassle for me and she seems to work harder for the tutor obviously .

I used to have someone coming and doing my ironing but that's stopped a while ago because I just thought I'll do it myself. Dh and I went to my sisters house and she said in front of dh and her own dh why don't you do the ironing yourself instead of paying someone else to come and do it, and it just made me feel embarrassed and inadequate so I started to do it myself. I know i know I'm a sensitive idiot. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree you've enough on your plate, this is something he's brought up and so he needs to come up with a plan.

Personally I think he's taking you for granted. I think if you can carve out some time to do something without him it may reignite the spark as he will wonder what he's missing. But if you're off sex do you want him sparking at you?

It's very normal in marriage to get to this point, mine ended eventually but in a way that is what was best. Just be honest with each other. If the sparks gone for him and you that may mean your relationship has run its course. Doesn't mean you can't be amazing friends and co parent etc. I just wish we could all be more honest. I'm sorry if that's a bit upsetting, I'm not saying 'leave the bastard' just have some honest chats. You sound like you communicate well together, that's a great start.

My mum passed away a few years ago. I haven't ironed anything since. I buy clothes that don't need ironing or wash & hang up.
Cleaning, approx 30 mins per day
Life is too short !
Do you have any hobbies ?
Do you volunteer ?
Do you have a job ?
Do you have holidays ?
Do you appreciate each other ?
What is HE going to do to bring back the spark/dates together ?

@Connieston we definitely do not want to leave each other! Well I hope he doesn't no I don't think he's laying any groundwork, it was a genuine conversation. He's actually brought it up a few times recently but I've not really taken it seriously , until the words 'the spark is going' . That made me sit up abit tbh!

I agree you've enough on your plate, this is something he's brought up and so he needs to come up with a plan.

I don't. The only way this will work is if you come up with a fair plan together. Sitting there passively waiting for him to come up with the solution is terrible advice!

Oh hun, sorry this is how your DH and you feel. I agree you definitely need to let go of some of these things about - cleaning and childcare.

Sending children to childminders/nursery for at least one day a week while you get out to do something you is not a cop out or unreasonable in any way.
If you really can't let go of the cleaning I'd say you're seeing it as one thing you can control and it takes away responsibility or a small way for your DH to show he cares for you. And that's not a criticism but I think you need to review that.

Try to have some little dates with your DH without your DCs and visit some new places/do things you used to do.

Hoping you can work together to sort this

Why does the cleaning have to be done your way?
Can you work on letting that go? It's energy directed in the wrong place and makes all of you feel shit.

I have no hobbies, no volunteering !

We haven't been on holiday in the past year as we've had various projects going on that made it impossible. I think we definitely need a holiday though.

Being married with three small children is like running a nursery with someone you used to date

I love this

@Connieston we definitely do not want to leave each other! Well I hope he doesn't grin no I don't think he's laying any groundwork, it was a genuine conversation. He's actually brought it up a few times recently but I've not really taken it seriously , until the words 'the spark is going' . That made me sit up abit tbh!

Hi OP,

MN relationships is a board that is full of examples of poor male behaviour so a lot of posters are cynical abiut everything.

The fact is that your H is telling you he is unhappy. Take it seriously. Work on it together. Seek outside support (counselling) if there isn't an improvement after an agreed time.

I would actually be a bit concerned about this conversation. Of course the feeling of being in love has gone after all these years. That feeling doesn't and can't last, with anyone. He's also not come up with any suggestions himself to change things.

Its one thing to discuss improving your marriage but conversations about sparks and feeling in love is unrealistic and ridiculous.Sorry to say I would wonder if he's had his head turned.

I really think you need to sit down together and plan how you can make some changes. It's something you BOTH need to commit to.
I know it's hard logistically but adult time together is so important. Sometimes that needs to be a priority.
I'm sure your friends wouldn't mind helping out.....me and my friends struggle for babysitters but happily have each others kids. Sometimes overnight and yeah it's manic but you don't mind every so often to help friends out!

And ignore what other people think....how you choose to run your house is your business! I kept our cleaner on while i was on Mat leave and couldn't care less what people thought!

How many years have you been married?

Such a classic situation. Made worse by the fact that your husband has no idea what your life is like.

How old are your children?

I second what everyone else has said - get some childcare! You need to get some time for yourself and you need to get some time with your husband.

Keep talking to your husband. Make sure he realises that this is normal but it means that you both have to take action to solve the issue otherwise your marriage will die. And unfortunately for you, as he is the one out to work, it is likely that it will be due to him meeting someone else.

Take action. And let him do household chores - otherwise you could end up with an immaculate house, a pile of immaculately ironed clothes but no husband.

Being married with three small children is like running a nursery with someone you used to date.

Best summary ever ImNotNigel!

But given that your husband has raised it and you agree , I would start off by asking him what HE is going to change to fix the problem. Then make a plan together. He makes some changes first and sustain them and then you will make some agreed changes. The initiative and ownership of the plan needs to come from him.
I disagree. I think it needs both of them from the start because OP has made it clear that she won't allow anyone (even DH) to help with the cleaning to give her more energy, and she doesn't trust anyone to look after the kids so they can't go out, and I'm guessing that she has her way of doing bedtime so deep down she doesn't want DH helping and he knows it. It would be pointless DH suggesting nights out and finding a babysitter if OP is going to rule it out. Don't get me wrong, I would have anyone doing my cleaning either - I have ways of doing everything and don't want someone else doing them 'wrong' - but you can't blame someone else if you're (unconsciously) part of the problem. And I think he was right to mention it now so you can do something about it.
Sit down together and write down all the things that you would like to do together (and separately but that don't happen), all the obstacles that stop you, and then brainstorm solutions together. Pack the kids off to bed early, get a takeaway and make an evening of it. You could start reigniting the spark just by talking about what you want to do and working together to make it happen. But you'll get nowhere if you keep looking for excuses.

If your feeling like you've lost yourself your husband could easily feel like he's lost you too. As you can afford it get some help and focus on yourself more. Get the ironing outsourced again, gardener, a baby sister for an afternoon so you can do something you enjoy on your own, a babysitter so you get out every other week with just your husband. Don't feel guilty about this, loads of families do this. I love taking time to just be with my husband even if it's just for a walk around the park for a chat holding hands, is your oldest young enough to watch the others if you do this on a nice summer evening?

Definitely get someone back in to do your ironing - what a stupid comment from your sister! Three young DC is hard and you can afford help so why not?

I agree with the comments about sitting down with DH and talking about this. Both of you can think of ways to invest a bit more time in your marriage, and ways to make it happen without it becoming just another list of things on your to do list!

It’s natural for things to be different after 16 years but he’s giving you the heads up that this matters to him.

Do you have any friends without parental support who might want to swap babysitting favours?

Dh and I went to my sisters house and she said in front of dh and her own dh why don't you do the ironing yourself instead of paying someone else to come and do it

Or you could have responded - because ironing is a tedious job and both of us have ironed our last shirt, it's amazing

I don't think getting the 'spark' back is your issue to solve but your DH has raised a valid point. Spark is about 2 people together and at the moment practically everything in your lives is more important than your relationship - his job, the house, the children's homework, the ironing, the cleaning.

Both of you need to do things - how can you get adult time together with adult conversation? How can he pull his weight around the house?

And for you - yes you like things done 'your way' but is this more important than your relationship? Get rid of the ironing, get rid of the cleaning, get rid of some childcare. Get back some fun.
You have seen how it works with the tutor - it got rid of the stress and hassle for you and your child actually enjoyed it more.

Both of you need to do it together.

I think you need to let go of certain things. The ironing for one. I don't see why you are running yourself ragged at the cost of 'the spark'. If you get a good cleaner, you show her how you want things done and then relax and let her do it. It's a home, not a show house. Get a sitter, go out for dinner. I think you need to unclench.

Volunteering can be amazing for your self-esteem and widening your interests.

Remember, children grow and leave home.
You need to maintain your relationship with OH, as he is who will be left when they leave.

You sound exhausted and overworked and, I mean this in the nicest way, like you don't have much of a life of your own.

Buy in help for the house if you cannot or will not let go of how you like your cleaning done (although FWIW I think it sounds like your DH needs to start pulling his weight with his family work). And think seriously about the kind of thing YOU like to do to make YOU feel better – exercise, a book group, pottery, clay pigeon shooting, whatever you would enjoy.

My dh is similar and I outsource his share of the jobs. He had money but no time so this makes the most sense for us.

Sunday morning always let the kids watch tv and eat cereal while we stay in bed.

Make time for your marriage, your dh is asking for time with his wife and you have the resources to make this happen.

I feel suddenly emotional reading all these replies.

Tears from nowhere !